The Pits of Being Peachy

All it takes for Evil to prevail is

2012-01-18T11:12:00.000-08:00

Please visit these sites today......
http://theoatmeal.com/sopa - Cartoon explanation with Jesus Oprah a jet ski and Kittens. = Awesome

http://www.theanimatedwoman.com/2012/01/blackout.html - Best Animator on the Web supporting us all the way from Canada, this is indeed a global issue people.

http://www.beingpeachy.com/ My blog under my domain, the original and light hearted Being Peachy.

If you are blacked out or have a post about the black out PLEASE FEEL FREE TO LINK TO YOUR BLOG OR PAGE OR A POSTER OF YOU OR WHATEVER IN THE COMMENTS.

XO
PEACH OUT

That Cat

2012-01-17T07:30:00.000-08:00

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and
requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the
house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back
into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always
tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house
will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will
be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as
we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke
her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so
I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw
her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden
again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Monday Punny Monday

2012-01-09T12:48:00.000-08:00

All these jokes came straight from Facebook off JP wall.

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning!
~ ~ ~
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
~ ~ ~
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
~ ~ ~
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
~ ~ ~
Question - Are there too many immigrants in the United States ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please. Me no speaka engrish."
~ ~ ~
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
~ ~ ~
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That would be very useful."
2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says "At my house we don't need nothin."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "no I'm sure." "When my sister started going out with a pimp, I remember my dad saying, "Well, that's the last damned thing we need."
~ ~ ~
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
~ ~ ~
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well ... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
~ ~ ~
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
~ ~ ~
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
~ ~ ~
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

Suck it Monday you bitch, I will cut you.

xo
PEACH OUT

Balls to the Wall Friday

2012-01-06T09:03:00.000-08:00

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 pilot, flying off carriers back in ' Nam , but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light.

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?", the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

Don't bring a knife to a gun fight.

2011-12-26T18:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, ... ...
Love, Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy, Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas, Santa Claus

Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones

Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister-Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours, S Claus

Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT..EVER..I..WANT, MAN!
T-Bone

Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them to you right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mudhole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy

Dear Santa, bring me anything you want it will be greatly appreciated,
Timmy

That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa

Churches and Squirrels

2011-12-06T11:14:00.001-08:00

There were four country churches in a small Texas town;

The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church,
& The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church & Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided

to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were

twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.

So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the

squirrels were back.

But - The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.They baptized the squirrels and

registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas & Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him

called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

PEACH OUT

BEARS and BACON

2011-11-21T07:41:00.000-08:00

A man in rural Wisconsin wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof shoot dog!"

what? where is my bacon? oh you want bacon? you can't handle the bacon !

This glorious turkey bacon is the perfect meat for Thanksgiving!
I totally stole it from The Domestic Diva

Now that's truth in advertising, Bears and Bacon? yeah I am this cool.

xo
PEACH OUT

Don't threaten me.

2011-11-17T10:38:00.001-08:00

Did you notice who Obama threatened when he wasn't getting his way on raising the debt ceiling?

He threatened to not pay:
Social Security Retirees, Military Retirees, Social
Security disability and Federal Retirees.

Now...Let this sink in really well -

He did not threaten to stop payments to illegal aliens.

He did not threaten to take frivolous benefits such as Internet access away from violent inmates.

He did not offer to fire some of the thousands of unnecessary federal employees that he hired .

He did not offer to cut down on his or his wife's frivolous gallivanting around the country and the world.

He did not threaten to not pay the senators and representatives or any of their staff.

He did not threaten to take benefits away from welfare recipients.

He did not threaten the food stamp programs.

He did not threaten to not pay foreign aid.

I'm going to think about this for a while.......

I hope you do too.

xo
PEACH OUT

Jacked up Monday

2011-11-14T05:07:00.000-08:00

I am going to punch this day in the junk and run. I am not taking any crap from one more freaking Monday. I know how you roll you asshole. I wrote a song already today suck on that.

It's raining it's pouring, my dalmatian is snoring,
Farting from my black lab is always super suck bad
I bumped my head, I'm nearly dead
My kid overslept then he wept when I screamed,
" IF YOU DIDN'T WATCH NETFLIX ALL FREAKING NIGHT YOU COULD HAVE GOT UP THIS MORNING!"

that will be all.

Give me your song to today.

xo
PEACH OUT

the protector of italian virginity....

2011-11-07T05:24:00.000-08:00

So when I back that ass up, and drop it like it's hot there is one thing on my mind. BILF's.

How to appreciate a whisper.........

DID YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?

30 Days of Thankful, I am Thankful I am not writing that shit, I am also Thankful my husband can't lick his own balls, this would probably lesson the amount of shit he would put up with from me from tremendous to pretty much zilch.

I really don't overtly enjoy fucking Matt Damon. Yes last time I "let" him get to third base while I was doing crossword puzzles he told me that Ben Afflack had a really discolored saggy ball sack and I was like, "uhm Matt, shut your freaking mouth and do your job asshole".

Also I was calling him an asshole not using asshole as a geographic location or destination, even for Matt Damon that shit is like all of the French Quarter Streets in NOLA, ONE FREAKIN WAY.

It's about this...

Oh yeah, this award is kick ass, and I got it from the one the only my KBC Cobra Sister, and Bling Zing Creator Extraordinaire, THE RECKMOSTER !! When I say this honey got taste I mean she can tell if there is a gram of tofu hidden inside a bucket of wasabi. The mind ninja stuff with her sometimes make me think she's in my "cloud mind community". I know she would never commit me unless there was a scooter in it for me. If you don't know her, and if you don't have a piece of her jewelry in your protection arsenal well, I don't know if I can even lie enough to imply I will respect you in the morning.

Ok so in a totally non gender specific listing I give you my BILF's in no specific order because that's what they say on all the reality shows.

1- Absence of Alternatives- uh duh, awesome, what's not to freaking love, hottie photo with wigs and shit, and IQ of Mensa and body that makes Coyote Ugly weep with envy. you should read or be beaten in the brain area.

2- That Darling Lil Nikki from MY CYBER HOUSE RULES ! She's my sweets with the French accent. Cute cat masks and all. Then she became a derby queen and disappeared and blames me but it's ok because I still love her not everyone can live on a sail boat and rock it...

3- I love a GREAT GHOST STORY, I mean honestly, this chick is all over twitter, facebook, and bloggyland, yet she passes within 6 miles of my house nearly every month, has lunch in the same city some days, and we were even in the same hotel for 3 days in April YET I HAVE NEVER PSYCHICALLY SEEN HER. What does this mean? This means, this is where you get your paranormal grove on yall. She's a down home cajun gulf coast girl, who knows her fais do do and can throw back a beignet while slamming down a hurricane, it's the possibly intoxicated Kim from Livefromthe205

4- My possible future Daughter in Law, Meredith from Oh That Mer! Wait she' can't be a BILF AND a DIL. oh lawdy, wait, I live in the deep south I think by law I am required to actually make a family member present on this list, with that in mind, Mer, your on the list.

5- Everyone on here is artsy, craftsty, creative, athletic, so how could I leave out THE NEXT MARTHA, from THE MARTHA PROJECT, I can't believe Martha Stewart hasn't attempted to shank this babe with her bedazzeled shiv hand carved by Tibetan monks from the femur of an Egyptian Llama, but even if she tried she would fail, because MY Martha, the next Martha would heave a freaking empty liquor bottle at her and knock her ass out. YO!

This was hard, I want you to know everyone on The Reckmonsters lists were also on mine because she stole them from my brain ahead of me so I couldn't pick them too, that is all, other than the fact that the guy playing the new Conan is currently making me Pumpkin cheesecake and he's using a whisk while he is naked. Nice visual right? yeah YOU. ARE. WELCOME.

XO

PEACH OUT

lick lick pant pant, adoring eyes

2011-11-02T10:11:00.001-07:00

As usual I am forever in awe of you flipping amazing people. I bow to the power of social media and my rocking friends.

Last week I sent out a request that you guys, near and far, help me, help my little itty bitty local gulf coast animal shelter. My itty bitty teeny weenie local shelter that has helped so many and went above and beyond for not only our local community but the entire state and accompanying states time and time again after repeated disasters was in a contest.

They of course were the "underdog" ( ha get the pun, animal shelter - under dog?) because they were going against the entire world in a grant contest hosted by the ASPCA. To say my area is a tad behind on the technology curve would be like saying, " I may be a tad wordy".

We were up against huge metropolitan areas, with huge populations that possessed crazy things like ipads and smart phones and lap tops and more than 1 email address and something faster than dial up. So I turned to you guys for a little push.

Guess what..

YOU FREAKING DID IT !!!!!

We came in 3rd place and my little shelter won a 25k grant from the ASPCA, now normally I am a first place or nothing kind of girl, but honestly I could not be more proud of you guys or more happy for my shelter. They do so much with so little for so many.

So many paws and meows will have better lives thanks to you guys.

xo
PEACH OUT

Don't be a dog, save a puss today !

2011-10-27T13:49:00.000-07:00

Hello darlings. I have been rowing against the current and doing a ton of things that haven't been as fun as sharing stories with you good looking people. I have missed you. I tried to answer everyones emails personally over the last few months and as I said in each of those, I am not gone for good just on a hiatus. Still deep in the middle of real world shark infested undertow, it's really nothing more than what we all do everyday, but right now I have had to focus the majority of my energy in the boring grey landscape of the real world instead of on here with you indigo ultraviolet glitter slinging darlings.

So what brought me back to write this post today?

Well it came to my attention Tuesday. About 5 weeks ago, we were adopted by a litter of kittens that were more like teenagers. It became clear that the actual owners had no interest in them and the mother of the cat that had them was suspected pregnant again and would attack them.

You guys already know I have my 9 yr old black lab rescue Mei, and the Dalmatian rescue named Loki who had multiple surgeries after he had his pelvis crushed and his femur dislocated and fractured. Then of course the evil 8 year old Feral cat named Dante who has made it her lifes mission to hate me and tear up or use anything that belongs solely to me as her person restroom. ( she also hacked my facebook and when I outed her on this very blog read here, she retained the best legal council and sued me for slander). Needless to say our pet plate was already over capacity as you can see in this picture.

[caption id="attachment_3425" align="aligncenter" width="376" caption="it's like survivor island only no matter how I vote no one leaves."][/caption]

and THEN........................................

BAM 4 new very attentive and playful abandoned kittens show up. I knew they were WAY to old to be prime candidates for adoption if we took them to a shelter. Even though I am a dog person, they didn't ask for this, and I couldn't drop them off where I knew they would end up being behind bars for life or even worse, put down. If you doubt me watch this video of them that keeps us entertained when the cable is out.

The downside, 4 more mouths to feed, and the mere mathematical fact that 4 cats will be 12 cats in 4 months, which will turn into 46 cats in 9 months. We were trying to find solutions.

So I contacted the Humane Society of South Mississippi even though it was an entirely different county. There's not much as far as choice. Via a series of emails and phone calls, we were able to get the 4 strays spayed and neutered. It was at that point that the universe broke into a deep smile which caused all the stars to align.

This shelter, not even in my county, has taking in 39 pets this week from a horrible hoarding situation. They were overwhelmed from Katrina and worked years to reunite thousands of pets with their families. They turned no one do, even when there was no electricity or running water for over a month. Then factor in the oil spill. Everyone on the coast has been repeatedly slammed time and time again, yet they have figured out how to barely keep their heads above the water with the help of volunteers and donations. They are warriors for those with no voice. It's pretty amazing.

Yet they helped us by helping those strays. How, I don't know but they pulled off some magic.

While there I found out they along with the rest of the world was in the running for a $20k grant from the ASPCA. The way to vote was go to the website, click on contest, and highlight MS- South Mississippi Humane Society by clicking on it, then entering your email and captcha hit enter. In a little bit, you will get an email to confirm your vote and you have to click on the confirm link in that email otherwise it doesn't count.

Yesterday I found out about it. I logged on, and they were in 4th place of the entire planet. WOW ! Hello and MEOW! our little bitty gulf is in 4th? Mind boggling. Also this means if I can get them 6k to 7k votes by 2pm on Monday they will get the much much needed grant.

Here is the link-

A) You can click HERE to be taking to the ASPCA voting link.

B) click on MS- South Mississippi Humane Society, then enter your email and the catpcha and submit, each email address you have can vote 1 time per day.

C) whatever emails you used, make sure you check them and then click on the link in the email so your vote gets counted.

D) PLEASE ASK YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, TWEET, FACEBOOK IT. WHATEVER pass on the word, the contest ends at 2pm on Monday October 31. we are 6k away from 1st place. I have begged enough now I present animal begging.

[caption id="attachment_3426" align="aligncenter" width="508" caption="we begz u to help us ! paweeze !!"][/caption]

Here's the link again in case you forgot or don't want to scroll back.

I promise it's so easy a Peach could do it. Remember you can vote daily until Monday at noon, and we are in third place, needed 6k votes in 4 days. I have faith in you guys. NOW GO DO IT !

xo

PEACH OUT

( if you don't have the time, you can email me at beingpeachy@gmail.com send me your email address, I will vote for you, and you will just get an email to click the link to approve your vote. )

John HInkley and Nancy Reagan

2011-10-24T10:59:00.000-07:00

Subject: John Hinkley

Nancy Reagan regarding John Hinckley's release. We could all learn
so much from this elegant and gracious lady. You will recall that JohnHinckley
was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and,
in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well
known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter
from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I want to drop you a short note to tell you
how pleased
we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.

In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want
You to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.

We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such
an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete
recovery and return to your family to join the world again
as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you were incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging
Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into
that.

10 Easy steps to not look like an idiot..

2011-09-30T06:48:00.000-07:00

I know in this fast paced world of social media, fashion and the ever growing "political correctness" I thought I would just throw this out, you know like a Peachy PSA, mostly because I actually care about you guys and since the game changes faster than the banking rules in monopoly when you are playing an 8 year old. These rules are subject to change at any given moment and may be antiquated by the time you see it. In that case, you should know better.

** Disclaimer** This post was originally started for another blog, however due to the tone and nature of the none peachy topics it landed itself over here on ThePits***

10 Easy steps to not appear like an idiot ( because I love you)

1- Sunglasses: big, little, round, square, coach, or Serengeti drivers. We all know they are a great buffer for a previous late night of party making or a quick jaunt to the corner market when you don't feel like slapping on a hundred bucks worth of make up to purchase a $3.00 ICEE or Iced coffee. However hopefully around the age of 4 you have figured out that even if you are wearing sunglasses other people can still see you. You're basically reducing yourself to a 3 year old or a dog that sticks his head under the couch or pulls a blanket over their head to become invisible. WARNING others will still see you, which is fine, UNLESS- it's raining, it's night time, or you are inside a building. In any of those cases you will be stared down, at, and generally look like an idiot.

2- Fanny packs: yes I own one ( ok 3) but *cough*I got them when they were cool,*cough* ( sure sure whatever) also you CAN'T freaking go to Disney without a fanny pack, or New York unless you have a fanny pack or a book bag, especially if you have kids, it is by far the saddest product I have to admit got a raw deal because honestly when you wear it and you got curves that fanny pack will bounce bounce baby bounce bounce, which is basically a mating call at any comi-con.

3- Going to a comi-con while wearing sunglasses and a fanny pack. Really? If you are a chick WTH? If you are a dude, I'm sorry man, but buying a cat will probably be the closest you will ever be to "owning puss".

4- Allow your daughter to wear a "vamp" pirate serving wench or french maid costume before she is allowed to date ( which in my house was 18, but I am not judging you or your daughter, everyone else may be though) especially if you dress her in a fashion that basically says, " hi, please eyeball me like prime rib"

5- Allowing your child to be a jerkface. If you have decided to go forth and multiply take the extra step to actually parent your kid. What I mean by this is, if you have them and notice they are not nice little kids, then don't be surprised when they are totally assholes as grown ups. Honestly if you had a puppy and didn't housebreak or crate train them and then one day went WTH? Why did you just treat that person like that? YOU ARE AN IDIOT. Talking down about other people, families, even animals, is basically telling your kid it's ok to be a jerkface. Empathy, no matter your financial, racial, or cultural status you better teach it to your kid. They are your children, not your playground/pta buddy where they can fathom how to be 2 faced.

6- Don't buy a car you can't afford the tag on. In other words, stop ! Deep down you simply need to move from point A to point B. Sure things like AC and defrost and heat those things are nice, but honestly the entire country has spent the last decade being so concerned about appearance they would rather eat ramen, be late on the power bill while making sure they drive an expensive car and have their spa day. Stop it, you look like an idiot. If you can't get your car tag, don't buy that smart phone and get your nails done. Honestly WTH are you thinking? Anyone who judges you by the car you drive was obviously a victim of number 5.

7-Quit with the guilt factor. Really if you are white upper middle class housewife with a college degree in philosophy or the advanced studies of western European guinie pig psychology or whatever the hell else your parents wasted their money on, that you will never use please tend to your own business, be grateful for your station in life and quit feeling the inner guilt you are clearly harboring for that station thanks to your parents hard work and your luck. Put down the poster board, and picket sign, Unless you are EXTREMELY well researched and rounded on the particular situation then shut up and go crochet something. Seeing you on the news fighting for whatever the " topic of the week" is makes for interesting news until the reporter asks your opinion and you say something asinine like " uhm it's bad for our country and moving in the wrong direction" literally that's the equivalent to the stereo type of the guy with a pabst blue ribbon and a mullet saying, " it sounded like a train and then BAM my trailer was blown away" please stop, unless you did something horrible you are paying penance for, stop it, if you want to pay it forward because you are lucky and do realize it. Do community service, teach your children ( if you have them) by example, Visit a nursing home, VA, or go help in a soup kitchen, pick a family that you can anonymously help, mow an elderly senior neighbors yard, trust me when I say that will be WAY more community service. Sure you wont end up on TV and get all that valuable face time but was it really about you anyway or was it about the cause?

8- LIFE IS NOT A CONTEST. If you live life as if it is constantly a contest YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. Remember 3rd grade? My Dad can beat up your Dad, or My scooby doo lunch box is way cooler than your strawberry shortcake lunch box. There is a reason that is called elementary behavior, you should learn to not do it BEFORE you leave elementary school. You don't need to look prettier than everyone, your husband does not need to "out earn" everyone, you don't need to buy $3000 worth of freaking chocolate bars so your kid can get a twenty five cent bouncy ball. Oddly the same holds true on the opposite end of the spectrum. You don't have to have the absolute worst migraines known to man simply because whoever you are talking to has fibro, or RA, it's NOT A CONTEST. My brain hanging out does not allow me a free pass to call you an idiot for being pissed you locked your keys in your car. My pain/grief/joy/happiness is not a barometer for anyone elses problems or success. Yesterday someone I care a lot of about said, " I feel like such an ass when I complain to you about my everyday crap, because compared to you it's nothing" I literally had to stop her and say NO! You totally get to own your problems or joy, this isn't a contest or game. I'm not a child who feels the need to excel in either direction I am just here to enjoy this journey called life, it sucking sometimes is just part of the deal, the same goes for you.

OK I am done, It's 8 steps, because I am lazy, I mean, because I love you. If you really want 10 go ahead and write the last 2 it will be good for you.

xo
Peach out

Hero worship, the line forms here...

2011-09-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

I have 2 huge dogs, a 7 yr old black lab ( mei) and a 5 yr old dalmatian (loki).

Admittingly Mei has an addiction to digging holes that rivals any crackheads need for a rush, and Loki is trouble by many extreme neurotic syndromes and is randomly willing to eat through a french door if I am in the shower and he can't see me.

However these magnificent yet flawed ( like us) beasts are my friends, my buds, my dawgs YO!

They will chase mail people, children and best of all, the power meter dude. An unfortunate side effect of such behavior resulted in them becoming pussified. What I mean by that is, for over 1 1/2 years now these 2 giant hell hounds have become the equivalent of piddling little purse puppies. They live inside. It began when Loki was run over, nothing like a crushed pelvis and a couple surgeries to convince you to let the suffering dog sleep inside, but we can't be having favorites no no no, so in comes Mei, simply by proxy.

They are extremely handy. The only exercise I get every day is sweeping the floors of the massive amount of hair they shed that leads to a mathematical conundrum that should have them running about completely nude ( as in hairless) which means clearly my dogs are exceptional, at growing hair.

There is also a possessed evil cat that dwells under my roof, but this is not about her or her evil ways.

For 2 weeks now there have been what can only described as a marauding GANG of Thugs (stray cats) living on my back and front porch. Their tendency to accidentally think this is OK is in large part the fault of my husband and child feeding and spending time in the yard paying them undue attention.

This is a cause and effect situation.. The presence of these thug cats has turned my massive mans best friend BEAST dogs into sniveling she wimps. They want out, they can't go out back there's a cat on the deck OMG what do we do? Sure we are 10x's the size of those furry things but OMG they make an awful hiss. Ok lets go to the front, everyone's excited sliding on the wood floors hauling ass to the front door, fling it open and SATAN is sitting there with fangs, and claws and a hunched back and making a noise that scares us.

Since I personally fall no less then 35% of the time I am standing up I make it a habit not to bend over. But I love my dogs, and by love my dogs I mean I want their hairy asses to shit outside.

I took a gamble picked up the cat who was preventing my dogs from access to the grass in my yard, thus allowing them to freely run into the sunshine and pee and dig holes.

Short lived was our little utopia when my vicious attack beasts were quickly engaged in a war for the porch with the legion of felines.

I again had to get up I walked to the front door, fling it open and NOW my dogs can not get in, because SATAN is standing guard at my front door, they are in battle mode, attempting to defeat this foe but literally powerless to do anything other than bark at it, and quickly jump backwards.

It was clear to see by the look in their eyes that they felt absolutely horrible for not being able to help me. In their eyes I was trapped, trapped in the house they couldn't get to thanks to what I can only assume in dog vision equates to a 300 foot DRAGON.

Without even thinking I simply drop kicked the cat across the yard thus giving my strong manly beasts a hurdle free path to enter the castle.

I looked down and saw my dogs, frozen in time, staring at me in total disbelief. I was a GOD. They were completely freaked out that I, me, a mere mortal was able to defeat the SATAN beast so that they could again return to the comfort of laying on my leather couches in the air.

As if for only a moment, my dogs could speak I am sure they would chant my name, just like the last couple minutes of the movie Rudy.

For I have that level of power. You are welcome.

We are all just nuts.

2011-09-26T08:05:00.000-07:00

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree

just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of

nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'You won't believe what I heard! Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the
bike passed him.

I really need a penis.

2011-09-13T18:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have a problem, and I know the first step to overcoming a problem is to admit you have a problem so we can just count this as the first step to a healthier me right?

Wait what's my problem?

Oh yeah, sorry, I have acute incurable penis envy. There I said it, now somebody pass me a fucking doughnut and some OJ after the "hi's and welcomes" calm down.

I don't think I ever went through the entire "denial phase". I have always loved penis, despite the fact they are possibly the most hilarious looking part of a human body and hang around with nuts I love them.

Everyone I have ever been madly in love with had a penis.

Short of having one of my own the penis is pretty much perfect. It's like a thermometer only it rises in the occasion of attraction instead of temperature. The rest of the time it just hangs there, all awesome and hilarious. I have to give credit to the penis for being involved in the creation of all 3 of my children. Yeah it's obviously remarkable.

However I also have to admit that my reason for penis envy is indeed for 1 solitary reason.
Just one, out of all the wonderful things a penis allows you to do.
Pee in the snow, write your name, miss the toilet, be embarrassed in middle school by random wood, hide behind pleated dockers, and drive a chicks head into the wall. Yeah those are all great, but I really am envious of 1 and only 1 thing. Me and Demi Moore share our envy issues.

I WISH I HAD A PENIS SO I COULD TELL PEOPLE TO SUCK IT.

literally that's it. I mean sure I would love to just bend over the numbnuts in the medical field and ram them with a hefty member but honestly I think I would feel just as satisfied as if I could stone face look at them and say,

"suck my dick"

If I had a dick I would probably go ahead and trade 5000 words out of my lexicon just to be able to stone faced look at someone and say, "suck my dick" and then offer up a dick.

This is probably one of the many reasons I don't have a dick, because whoever was in charge of passing out penis, said, " oh hell no, this is a bitch, no dick for her, she will have everyone sucking it". They were right.

Examples from just today-

New Brain Surgeon- blahdy blah blah, blah shit you have heard for 10 years, blah blah shit you have heard, blah, shit that is irrelevant, blah, anyone could die anytime, you could get hit by a bus leaving here, blah blah blah.
Me- "oh I see, well in that case, SUCK MY DICK"

Post office worker- uhm no, you have to buy another box, they are over there were you stood in line for 20 minutes, no I am not going to help you even though you asked, yes I realize I am sitting on a fucking stool watching TV but I will sell you a stamp for you to stick on your letter then tell you to put it in a slot in the wall that leads to a basket under my hand but I wont do it for you.

Me-" Oh ok, sorry to bother you by actually parking the car and staggering in then waiting in line 3 times because you couldn't get your fat ass off the stool to actually do your job, or mailing a letter, so instead of getting back in line can you go ahead and just SUCK MY DICK?"

Neurologist- You didn't have a seizure during the 30 minute eeg, but that doesn't mean you don't have them so you officially can't drive for a full year starting today. Oh and here's some medicine that will make you feel like I punched you in the vagina.
Me- " So I don't have seizures? or I do? or what? never mind just go ahead and SUCK MY DICK."

Lady at the refill pharmacy- no that rx is expired, no that one can't be renewed until tomorrow, these 5 are a week late refilling, and this one you need to come back in 6 days to get.
Me- " oh well they just told me I am not allowed to drive anymore for an entire year and I live pretty far away from here, so if you could fill anything that needs to be filled for the next 2 weeks that would be awesome and save me from going without my medicines as prescribed, since I can't drive and all.
Bitch / Lady- NO
ME- "OH OK, HOW ABOUT YOU JUST SUCK MY DICK THEN"

French Neurosurgeon- bladee, blah voila, tres blah, cava , blah, uh duh twa, blah, I am so good looking and french I will distract you with my laid back attitude and frenchness. blah,
Me- " Je parle en frances, poir fe vour SUCK MY DICK"

Gas Pump- $3.39
ME- "SUCK MY DICK"

Dog hair on the floor - no need to sweep just scream
ME- "SUCK MY DICK"

Dinner? Family? what ? I got nothing...
ME- " SUCK MY DICK"

Laundry?
ME- "SUCK MY DICK"

I should just get white business cards with the words, " SUCK MY DICK" on them, nothing else, just pass them out to everyone I meet thus cutting straight to the chase.

Honestly I really believe I could live remainder of my entire life just using those 3 words, if of course, I actually had a dick, until then, it's an empty threat. ( ha, no penis? empty? get it? ha? shit I am funny right? no? well then to you I say, " SUCK MY DICK")

XO
PEACH OUT

Grease me up Johnny boy

2011-09-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

In the immortal words of the founding father of HOTNESS, ( John Travolta aka Vinny Barbarino duh)

" I got chills they're multiplying, and I'm losing control, cause the power you're supplying, IS ELECTRIFYING!"

Yeah baby, finally all these long years after Grease, suffering through Grease 2, then of course my name being Sandi and my Best Friends name was Danny hence we pretty much HAD TO DO THE LEADS in what can only be described as a High School murder of what should never attempt to be acted out by anyone other than John and Olivia, I finally, honestly know for sure 100% that he was singing to me.

Now I don't want anyone getting confused, yes Brendan Fraiser is still my #1 boy toy. Me and Mr Depp have a deep down intellectual relationship that blurs into something possibly inappropriate at times. Then there is that new guy, the new Conan dude, yeah what's his face? Pretty sure he will be giving me massages in the near future while he plops chilled grapes in my mouth. All of this is fact, you heard me FACT. I can't help my hotness and their inability to be immune to my prowess.

I thought it was the brains, the boobs, the attitude, the fact I ooze a sexiness of accident prone klutz that makes me more "approachable" to these mere mortals. But today it all came together and I have the truth.

In the past couple weeks the circumstantial evidence is accumulating, I present to you the following exhibits.

EXHIBIT A

I've had about 6 EKG's this year ( EKG is for your heart, most of them centered around my May 2011 great Heart Attack adventures. I pulled off a couple heart attacks in less than a month from a prior healthy heart. I mainly did it so I could get felt without having to buy an airline ticket. Plus the little pasties with bb's on them stuck all over my breast makes me look like a cow with erect teats.

EXHIBIT B

I had the immense pleasure of having a full on EMG ( this one is pretty awesome, and by awesome I mean it sucks and hurts and should have been abolished in the 1940's along with shock therapy and lobotomies) This lovely exam is done by a Neurologist and they put leads on your body parts, fingers, hands wrists, spine, neck, legs, and everywhere but your snatch. Then they send an electronic pulse to that lead while you lay on a little metal disk that acts as a grounding so you can complete the electrical circuit. If this doesn't sound extreme enough for you, add phase 2 of the EMG, this is where they actually stick more needles in you that your Grandmothers ugly ass Tomato pin cushion. But because having needles shoved between your fingers and into your neck is not allowed thanks to the Geneva Convention along with waterboarding ( which sounds shit tons funner) they claim this as a medical test, and they hook electrical current to those needles and measure the jerk, timing, and screaming levels only to deduce that you are neurologically every level of jacked up but there's nothing they can do, which prompts you to stab the Doctor in the retina with frozen supersized depends pad because you pissed yourself all 145 shocks. Ok you don't have to stab the Doctor but honestly they deserve a good stabbing for doing such a painful test just so they can "confirm" there is nothing they can do.. Skip the depends and just drive a mini van up his ass and then say, " wow, yeah your ass is totally jacked up, but that van is stuck so there's nothing we can do"

EXHIBIT C

The EEG, if you are bald, and like discos this is the test for you. However if you have very long hair, and tend to get headaches and seizures from flashing strobe lights and are opposed to voluntarily hyperventilate for 3 minutes this may not be the test of choice. Nothing says Studio 54 like laying in a pitch black Faraday Cage with a lamp as bright as the sun 1 inch from your face smacking faster and faster light into your eyeballs while you hear sounds like somebody slipping on rubber gloves. All in all, if you can tolerate strobe lights, noise, claustrophobia, and laying on your back then this isn't a bad test. However be prepared to spend a good hour trying to wash the + symbols and glue off your head and out of your hair.

In conclusion, all of these exhibits have 2 things in common. Me of course, and Electricity. the E in the first letter of each test stands for Electricity. Yes of course I have also had heart caths, and extensive MRI's and bloodwork, and ambulance rides, and ultrasounds, and CAT scans but those are just not relevant.

Exhibits A, B, C prove I am FREAKING SHOCKING ! So Johnny babe come on over, I am going to get one of those red round "take a number" thingies so I can share my electric personality with as many as possible in the most efficient manner.

Now serving number 76.

PEACH OUT

Sainthood or a complete idiot.

2011-09-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

Please pleaser someone snopes this and tell me this isn't true. Tell me someone who is defending the safety of me, my family, my rights, my country is NOT THIS BIG OF A FREAKING IDIOT. If it's not in snopes please enter it and then debunk it. I hope this guy has not been given a GI weapon of a higher caliber than a packet of ketchup.

I have to go now, I have a date at the adult porn cinema where I will be wearing a body condom and sticky proof shoes.

xo
PEACH OUT

Why?

2011-08-29T18:11:00.000-07:00

1- Whores?
Why does the world have an addiction to know everything about rancid whores. No no I don't mean street walking rancid whores I mean, high class no talent whores. You know like the Kardashions, the Jersey Shore, or any housewives of what the fuck ever I used my snatch to get rich and think I am still in high school, Brittany, Lindsey Lohan and the like. This will and always will baffle me. They are no talent whores, honestly go volunteer at a soup kitchen rather than read anything about these air wasting no talent no moral huge ass whores. If that's below you, go work at a dog shelter, that's where the little dogs that were "chic" a few years back are.

2-Lice?
How did I survive my entire life without every getting bugs? They say blah blah no shame blah, but I am sorry if I get a call to my kids school saying pick up your bug riddle kid you nasty hag, I do feel a little judged. This is probably whey twice a week during the school year I use this really super cool robotic comb on my kids hair. It not only let's you know if there is a social economical lice market place on your kids head, then it zaps them, so it's like a bug zapper, but in the shape of a comb. However I am busting the neurotic seems so if that damn thing goes off I will put chemicals on my kids head risking his life, intelligence and brain function with a series of weapons of mass destruction. Why? Uhm duh, I hate freaking bugs.

3-Facebook-
what the fuck are you doing? hey Mark, I know you are busy being the ubber geek you are but you need to realize that the folks you left in charge are dickwaffles and need to be chastised, and by chastised I mean stripped naked and tied to a fire ant mound while a trail of honey leads from between their little toes to their nuts. Stop trying to drive us all away you are suck fucking idiots. have you ever hear the expression if it aint broke dont fix it? Get your head out of the guy that Justin Timberlake playeds ass. You are now what you always hated.

4- G+
Ok I have no flipping idea how the hell you work. Seriously it has taken me like a year to get down wp, blogger, blogher, facebook, twitter and tweet deck. I was working on figuring out the Geomagnetic theory of Klout when low and behold here comes freak G+ I got a million request I answered them, yet I see nothing to "do". Then I get this DM on twitter saying OMG isn't G+ so much cooler than FB, especially since FB is so lame and everyone hates it! Thanks you assholes. Honestly you make me feel like my parents making me make the time on their BETA to stop flashing. I do not appreciate you trying to make me look stupid thank you very much I can do that all on my own. No I have to higher a freaking g+ tutor? What about the 2700 people I love and interact with on facebook. Are yous saying that to be popular I have to diss the facebook friends for the cooler G+ friends? Google- have you never seen the breakfast club? I wont give up my peeps, suck on that..

5- Lottery
Why have I not won the lottery. My dad has played faithfully wed & sat got 18 years.. He's a great guy, goes to church, helps everyone, honestly he should win. I play off an of, but I never win. It's like throwing a dollar out the window every tine I want to play

Thats it for now,

xo
PEACH OUT

Marriage and Porn

2011-08-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

An adorable old couple that had been together more decades we have been alive were sitting on the couch watching TV. She had her crotchet afghan on her lap, he had "the clicker" ( that's a remote for you young wipper snappers).

She was doing her word search puzzle and he was doing his nightly habit of clicking back and forth between 2 stations.

Finally after 30 minutes she looked up to notice that the 2 channels he kept clicking back and forth between were a Fishing Channel and a Porn Channel. She rolled her eyes and ignored him knowing he would eventually " rest his eyes " thus ending the horrible switching back and forth.

45 minutes in she had enough and slammed her book on her lap and said.

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD JUST PUT IT ON THAT PORN CHANNEL AND LEAVE IT!!!!!"

Her husband completely confused, yet strangely giddy about hearing her make that demand, had a smile across his face as he clicked it to the Porn Channel thinking quietly to himself that he may just end up getting lucky for the first time in a decade.

His smile left his face when she made her next remark..............

" This is the obvious choice, you already know how to fish."

Peachy investments - the 401Keg

2011-08-16T08:43:00.001-07:00

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg Plan.

The Lie Robot

2011-08-12T11:34:00.001-07:00

Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom!

Pay your light bill MF- NSFW

2011-08-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

****WARNING ***

THIS VIDEO CONTAINS EXTREMELY FOUL LANGUAGE SO DON'T WATCH IT AT WORK OR LET YOUR KIDS HEAR IT,

( because we all know kids don't know cuss words, whatever)

A reader sent me this video on Youtube, after seeing me write about the fact that the IRS is trying to jank on me for 2003 ( yeah 7 years ago) when not even my accountant or bank have records prior to 2005 thanks to a little storm called Katrina. So I said can I just be like the GVT and print my own money, or get my debt ceiling lifted? If the GVT can't balance their budget why do they treat me like I am a horrible person and threaten to take my house because I can't find gas receipts from 2003. Of course I was slightly joking, a little, maybe, but I can tell you it does chap my ass somewhat to know the people taking my freaking money and punishing me can't handle their money. ( which is really our freaking money). So a reader sent me this and I fell out laughing for several reasons- 1) he's hilarious, 2) I had never heard of him so it was unexpected, and 3) he's freaking hilarious.

I realize somebody out there is going to explain to me how wrong he is, how offensive he is, how he kills baby mice and caused the extinction of the 3 horned albino water buffalo. I don't give a shit. Really. I don't care to argue political views with people because frankly it makes me think a hell of a lot less of people when they prove they are the most educated idiots on the planet. You don't learn common sense in school.

So take it for what it is, just flat out funny.

ok feel free to commence with the stereo typing and spewing of anger at me for posting this. Or quietly giggle and nod and then move along. no one will ever even know you laughed.

My poor lady.......

2011-08-11T12:20:00.000-07:00

I think
that maybe
I just
got a
paper cut

( so common sense and life experience leads you to say to yourself, " crap that hurts, I better put a bandaid on it)

but

I don't know how. So I google bandaid diagrams and instructions. I got this

This is not helpful. Even though it does have 2 of my key words. Kitty and Scratch.
I wasn't scratched by a kitty. You're being but-heads band-aid.

duh

I have tried different search word combos and honestly there are some really freaky folks out there.
Unfortunately with all their shapes, sizes, colors, styles, bandaid has managed to fail to provide me with the particular bandaid I need or even instructions on how to improvise bandaid application.

So for now, this is the best I can do.

yeah that's pretty accurate, but without the tux and a lot less happy face.

Ouch

Logic, Opinions and perspective. HA

2011-08-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
____________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
____________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
____________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
____________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
____________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
____________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from
San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
____________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
____________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
____________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
____________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Making my Daddy an eye appointment

2011-08-01T18:23:00.001-07:00

My Daddy sent this to me and it's just too freaking funny not to share.

Enjoy.

Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?
You're almost 76 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your
glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not
getting any easier.

*********************************************

Here's the story of a bitchy lady...

2011-07-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

For 3 days I have been looking forward to a 2 hour session of what is equal to me slamming my head in a car door non stop while be hit with a baseball bat in the neck and back.

I haven't slept, I try not to be a big puss, I have had 3 kids, c-sections, gallbladder, a hernia and 2 heart attacks. I have grandmall seizures. I also recently found out that I have probably been having 8 to 10 mini seizures daily for a very long time. I was told for years they were migraines. I have gone deaf, gone blind, passed out, curled up, unknowingly wet/soiled myself. I got days/weeks unable to use my left hand at all, or the biceps on both arms. When I get tired my leg drags, and I can't lift anything more than 2 or 3 lbs.

If I yawn, sneeze, cough, have a bm, laugh, scream or god forbid have the "big O" I usually go deaf for a little while but sometimes I am lucky enough to just get tunnel vision or go blind in 1 eye.

I have been hauled out of jobs on a stretcher and shoved in the back of more than 1 ambulance.

For 5 years the military had MRI and radiology reports stating my medical condition, however the military spent those 5 years telling me I had migraines. No offense to migraine sufferers but, " I fucking wish".

I don't talk about my medical issues on line, this is my one escape, but you know what. Today I encountered what can only be described as a troll. You know the ones that float around on blogs laying their opinions down, insulting the bloggers and readers all behind their infamous cover of "anonymous".

Well last week from no where I get a call from Ms BEAST. I was minding my own business posting jokes and tweeting with you sexy people, when I got the call out of the blue. Ms BEAST, wasted no time tearing into me. Questioning the fact a Doctor gave me 1 Valium 7 months ago for a 6 hour MRI that involved my brain, cervical, and entire spine, with and without contrast and a C.I.N.E. flow MRI study to measure my CSF fluid to my brain and any corking issues I have.

I was pretty baffled. I can't lay flat. That's been a fact for years. It increases the pressure in my head, and causes what is best described as sciatica pains in my back and legs, for bonus my arms go to sleep. So I don't lay down, I also don't sleep very well. So for a 6 hour MRI study to me it made perfect sense that someone broke military protocol and issued me more than a band aid and ibuprofen. To her it was a " red flag".

So much of a red flag she requested all my medical records and found out that when I had oral surgery last year, the Dentist gave me 6 loratab. Six. oral surgery. Dentist.

OBVIOUSLY this caused the beast to call me at home, never having met me to question me about this medical activity. Because I have been on ibuprofen, b12 and prenatal vitamins for years to help with all my problems because we know those are awesome meds.. 7 years. 7 years. I have been in pain.

If you have had an epidural or spinal tap then you might have been unfortunate enough to experience a "spinal headache" if so, this is my world, 24/7. Then thrown in drop attacks, passing out, loss of use of limbs, the bathroom stuff and what is my most embarrassing medical issue. The loss of words, the inability to place the proper word in a sentence, to not complete a thought. I had an ER doctor once ask my husband how drunk I was and how often it happened. HA I seriously wish.

Anyway Ms Beast caught me off guard and it hurt my feelings. I realize I should not allow someone I have never met who doesn't know crap about me or my problems. Like I explained to the Droid, if I had spent the last 7 years stoned to the bone, doped to the gills, and not trying to "tough it out" and "meditate" and do "mind over body" then maybe it wouldn't have shocked me so much. She tore me apart and I let her. My guard was down, I didn't expect it and she was firm and on the attack. I was left crushed.

So today I had another MRI, another lay still on your back, another here's some loud noise, in an enclosed space, while you are in pain and don't move moment. I think I have had around 15 or more MRI's by now. It's seems like I would get used to them. However since the big seizure 2 weeks ago, I am slightly on edge, and of course the Dr's have not put me on any seizure medication nor ordered any tests for it. This MRI was ordered 2 months ago because I couldn't lift my arms, which I can of course lift now so the MRI is pointless.

I thought maybe I had somehow offended Ms Beast. So I printed letters from 3 wonderful Brain Surgeons that my insurance told me I could never see because I am not a priority. I printed a copy of each letter I have written to the Doctors and my insurance since 2005 ( which is about 2 a year). The entire step by step medical history and progression of my disease, and in turn the step by step documentation of every single Doctor not doing a fucking thing.

After my BRrrrrr, Grrr, tick tick BANG bang, MRI. My head exploding, barely able to walk up right and hoping not to sound like an idiot I marched around a 5 story building with 6 wings to find the lady who had called me. I found her. Ms BEAST.

She wouldn't answer her phone for the secretary and they had to get the person in the office next to her to physically walk in and let her know she had someone waiting to see her for over and hour.

I was overly polite, I wanted to set things straight with Ms Beast and let her know the person behind the paperwork, behind her #'s. She proceeded to bring up my medication and point out that I take ibropfin, and imodium, obviously being prescribed those things are a HUGE freaking deal, and I am a bad person. After 30 minutes of lecture about how she could see every pill I have ever been given in my entire life and her statement that I had acetaminophen ( tylenol) prescribed last year. I felt as if I were a criminal. A horrible person, and I started to cry.

Quietly. I didn't make a noise, but I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks when I spoke to her. I kept trying to hand her the letters from the brain surgeons, neurologist, and spine surgeons. She didn't care. The BEAST hated me before she had ever met me, and formed her opinion of me, yet I still can't figure out why.

Around 45 minutes in, I looked at her and asked, " why am I explaining or defending myself to you?" I have been failed by the military, the government, 12 doctors, and Tricare. I was lied to for 4 years, then ignored the last 3. YOU are part of the system that has failed me. That has made my 10 year old know nothing but a sick mother. YOU are part of the system that has let my disorder progress to the point my life is in danger. You are part of the system that told me I wasn't worth saving. I came in to give you the opportunity to be enlightened, to learn of my disorder and to meet me even though you attacked me.

For the next hour, she said to me 5 times. FIVE TIMES. That I needed to ask her to help me. That she didn't have to. That I needed to be nice or she wouldn't help me. She wouldn't literally make me say, " Please help me get medical care for my disability" Five times.

So there it is. It's out, I am fucked up. My brain is herniated out of my skull, my spine is jacked like a freaking janga game. If you search either of my blogs or my facebook and find a reference to "seeing a wizard" or "the wizard of oz" that is me being vague about my going to neurosurgeons. I am like the Scarecrow looking for the Wizard. Only I have enough already, possibly too much.

My only saving grace is not too many people read this blog, it's my "secondary". blog. I had to vent. I am disgusted with myself. I have had only 2 things to cling to for the 7 years to help me get through.

1) I love my children so much I can't check out, no matter how much pain, embarassment and struggle I go through I have to survive, Sam I am maybe 22, but the Prince is only 10. I can't leave yet. I have to win.

and

2) I am a tough bitch, I am a solver, and my main mantra, "no one has ever died from pain".

I'm right, you don't die from pain, you pass out first, sometimes you just vomit. I usually do both at least once a day, but I don't die. Because of #1 and #2.

Fuck you pain. You can't fake what I have, it appears clearly on MRI's and even a dork who doesn't know shit about anatomy can see it. Over the last 7 years I have asked several doctors if maybe I needed mental help, they all said no, I was fine, in fact better than fine, a role model or poster child on how to overcome chronic illness and pain.

People who do know the complete story ask how can I post jokes, be funny, and act like nothing is wrong. I can't hold anger. I would be angry if this was a child., and lots of children have this. So I am grateful, my children are healthy. I'm a grown up, with big girl panties I slip on every day to battle this shit. But the BEAST wore me down, insulting me, questioning my integrity and then making me do what felt like begging 5 times. I left feeling defeated and wondered why I thought someone like that just needed to meet me to understand.

The BEAST pointed out she had 25 years experience as a nurse, and that, she was a specialty nurse, called a case manager, and she could make things happen.

I wont let this woman do this to me again, I am disappointed in myself for allowing it, I would have drop kicked a bitch if she spoke like that about my child or husband, but when it's me, when I am the patient, I instantly become the little girl who is in trouble, or didn't "deserve" new clothes for school, an adult version the child I was, unhappy, unwanted, and unworthy. Did she channel my dead grandmother, who told stories of how the leather belts didn't compare to the razor straps, and how I ruined my poor mothers life because she married a " southern man and produced me".

I'm home now, and I logged into this little hide away blog and I am unloading with both barrels, because I have to. I have to make a commitment to not allow anyone to treat me like shit. EVER. The best commitment I can come up with, is to promise it here. I can look back and remember how I felt, and if anyone else is feeling like this, I am so sorry.

In summation, I totally hope a freaking acme safe does not fall directly on the head of Ms Beast.

There I feel better.

PEACH OUT

* disclaimer- 1 Peach was injured in the making of this post. *

To be an idiot or Not to be....

2011-07-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary & his wife was angry. She said, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds & IT BETTER BE THERE!" When she woke up, she looked out the window & sure enough there was a box in the middle of the driveway. She ran outside to open it & inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

sometimes it's better to contain your inner smart ass, sometimes it's totally worth it.

go kick Mondays ass yall !

xo
PEACH OUT

Dedicated to Sam I Am

2011-07-22T16:42:00.000-07:00

Upon a time, I was wild and carefree, living the life to see what was in it for me.
Then one day I became a mother, to a beautiful girl, that was the day I handed over my world.

She was just the first of 3, but she was the one who helped define me.
Now she is grown, graduated and gone on her own.

My only daughter my beauty my Sam I am,
The best big sister on the planet the princess of the fam.

A parents wish for the child is that they have a better life
Admittedly no matter how hard I tried I never got it quite right.

She is the person I wish I could become, the oldest the leader the number 1
Oh Sam I am, how do I love thee let me count the ways

Even though you have moved on and out I think of you every day.

My actions were wrong, my words are not right, and yes I understand that often we fight.
But know this my darling beautiful girl,

For you my precious love, I would truly move the world.

Thank you for making me me, and if anyone on this planet deserves the best of everything it is truly you.

Beyond words my darling and to the stars and back.

xo
Mom
aka
ThePeachy1

Up thy ass

2011-07-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

As you know by know I have a bit of a " don't give a hoot" personality. This bodes me well especially in the epic fucktastic worldwind that is my life.

I lazily roll over roadblocks while laughing and at them and shouting my mantra that "everything happens for a reason".

Then today.

Today a troll of a bitch from the bowels of satan calls my phone. She has never met me. She is in the medical field. She can not pronounce my DX and obviously has no clue what it is or how it works. Yet she felt the need to pass her own little narrow minded behind a desk, Monday Morning judgment on me. I took her verbal stabs and blows.

There was no need for what she did. None. I was disappointed in my lack of usual fire back, and put in place ability. Maybe the last seizure weakened me, maybe the heart attacks have me down, maybe I am just tired of being the "educator of the medical field" but I let her think she had won.

I did something I never do. I called my husband, and turned her in. I told him with a quivering voice that I was done, and she was the cause and that I didn't want to fight anymore. I wasn't expecting him to break character but just as I had today he did also, he picked up the baton, and proceeded to verbally beat the ever living shit out of this woman with it for 30 minutes. That is not his style. That is not him. That is me. But I had dropped the ball. He picked it up.

Thanks Droid.

You're a good man Charlie Brown

xo

PEACH OUT

Red -v- Blue

2011-07-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

A story about a coyote in California: BLUE

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature

trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the

Governor. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie

"Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only

doing what is natural.

He calls animal control Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the

State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the

State $200 testing it for diseases.

The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for

diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game

conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of

dangerous animals.

The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a

"coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better

treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout

the world.

The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The

State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional

special training re: the nature of coyotes.

PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit

against the State.

Texas- RED

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature

trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and

keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a ..45 hollow point

cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

Hrmmm.... that was easy.

have a great weekend y'all !

PEACH OUT

Epic Mackerel Battle

2011-06-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

I shit thee not

I don't like to rub it in that I happen to live on the gorgeous Gulf of Mexico with 27 miles of man made beaches and Casinos and Mardi Gras and all that wonderful stuff. But sometimes it's really hard not to point out just how freaking fabulous this place is.

Sure sure.. this is the mothership of every single "People of Walmart" picture that has ever made you gag or bleach your eyes.

So with my job ( using the term loosely here) I get to do all sorts of crazy fun stuff sometimes.

Recently I spent 6 hours on a huge charter boat with these Engineers/Tourist. As a videographer.

I think no one should ever take themselves too seriously, so realizing that after a full day sport fishing, you really shouldn't leave my state after meeting me without a solid freaking fish fight.

I actually made these 2 tourist partake in a mackerel fight while I shot film before they could get in their vehicle and head back to their state. I am that cool.

Enjoy this moment of insanity they will take home with them as a solid memory.

I know they will remember this forever because well. A Spanish Mackerel is sharp, in fact the poor guy in the red shirt has a split and bleeding lip from a FISH SLAP, that you just saw. I can only assume that the beers will not be sufficient in fighting off the bacteria but honestly I do plan to put in some light saber sound effects but I know you guys are all thinking the doctors finally won and killed me, but I don't want anyone collecting on the Peachys Death Date Pool you had running. I am actually alive and running about. Making people who visit my state do completely insane things just to entertain me, and of course you.

xo

PEACH OUT

Take me out to the ball game

2011-06-24T06:36:00.000-07:00

The President and First Lady are at the White Sox game.

Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And..........the fans would love it!"

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

oh take me out to the ball game, buy some peanuts and vodka and vodka and vodka and vodka.. shit I'm glad it's the weekend.

You guys go have a great one.

PEACH OUT

how about you bite me.

2011-06-23T13:24:00.000-07:00

I signed for 3 letters today.

Three certified letters came from a Government Run Entity that goes by 3 letters ...

Go figure.

It's not enough me and the husband have worked our entire lives, aren't criminals, raise our children to be morally responsible and if they aren't make them accountable.

It's not really even enough that my husband spent 20 years working at a job that at any moment they could tell him he had a new job, cleaning toilets, in a war zone, and wouldn't see his kids grow up for a few years, all at the astounding rate of minimum wage.

I am thinking it's probably not enough that even though we have a kid that is now an adult that could have gotten one of those so called " crazy checks" from the Government for nearly 19 years he didn't and we struggled to cover the costs.

You know the entire my health thing with the brain, the spine, and all that jazz? yeah Guess what, I ate some humble pie and checked out the Disability stuff and was treated like a shitty diaper but Rudezilla McNasty and told NO. I only did it, because I had a daughter wanting to finish college, a special needs kid and a young child and my Doctors had told me I couldn't work anymore or that entire "death shit" would happen. So I thought oh, since I have worked my entire life and now if I work death will kill me, I will get some of what I paid back. HA. NO and hell double NO.

I am also fairly sure my daughter is in the .0000000000000000001% of her Universities student population that actually is paying for her education. NO slam on the people that get grants but let me just say, she has been made fun of more than once for "not knowing how to jack the system".

So when these 3 little letters today came from the 3 lettered Service. All the air left my body. Then I threw up. They used words like seize property and levy, and garnished, and frozen, YOU ARE FUCKED. OK maybe they didn't actually type the words "you are fucked" but it's in there.

These 3 little letters decided that 9 years ago, NINE years ago, our now dead accountant made a mistake on our taxes. A $58,000 mistake. Let me repeat that. a FIFTY EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLAR MISTAKE.

Sorry I had to go throw up again.

Our accountant that handled all that 9 years ago died, but I can assure you we did not make enough money 9 years ago to pay $58 in taxes. What's even better you ask? Well 6 years ago there was this little storm called Katrina. Guess who doesn't have a copy of a damn thing from 9 years ago. I've moved 3 times in 9 years, and went through a Hurricane, my accountant died and I got nothing. RIP sweet little accountant dude. But DAMN... I got NOTHING.

So guess what 3 little letters. What is it that you want from me exactly. the 99 Minivan with no ac? Or the stack of medical bills I have piled up? Maybe a big flat of freaking RAMEN?

HOW ABOUT I PAY YOUR SORRY ASS IN BLOOD?

OH wait. wait.. here's an idea and not to be political or anything, but the guy who is running your shop, is an appointed person, and guess what, he hasn't filed in 3 years. I file every year.

over 100 members of congress who GET PAID IN TAX DOLLARS, OWE BACK TAXES.

How many of them are driving a 99 minivan and eating Ramen? yet you come after me with some bullshit inflated mutherfucking number that I can't prove? You bastards. You dirty stinking bastards.

A note saying due to the economy you need to collect? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

FUCKING COLLECT IT FROM THE PEOPLE THAT YOU ARE PAYING WHO OWE YOU DILLWEEDS.

fuck this. I am going to throw up again and then I will probably write you a letter with a mapquest directions on how to find my ass so you can kiss it, what the fuck are you going to do, freeze my bank account it's got $2 in it. Take it you piece of fucking shits. Make sure you pay congress though and they get to work out in their nice fucking gym you idiots, also please use your tax payer dollar funded cell phones to take shots of your crotches and twitter them, fly around the country and eat like the fat spoiled bastard pigs you are.

I will go in the kitchen and fix my kid and nice bowl of STEAM for dinner and ICE for desert. You shittard pasty snakes. How dare you practically guarantee we will become a statistic yet sit so high and righteous when you have the moral fiber of a piece of used toilet paper.

FUCKING BITE ME.

PEACH OUT.

I got honked, won $20 and no nuts were tazered

2011-06-21T06:49:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning ( fathers day), I preformed a miracle of biblical proportions by dragging my husband and 10 year old out of bed at 630am. In case you don't know uh, we don't do Church, at all, ever. So this was big, it was for our annual 13 mile Kayak trip.

I used the added man bait of Coffee an McGriddles and we were in the car and at the drive thru here in Green Acres by 7am.

Let me set the stage for you so you can get a clear picture. I live by a major interstate, it's 4 lanes in each direction and usually has maybe 3 or 4 cars on it. The town a little south of me has 27 miles of beaches and casinos and you can scoot from county to county without any traffic issues. My specific community just got it's first traffic light. We don't live in an area where anyone is in a big rush for anything. Keep that in mind.

I drive my half sleeping men to the Mc Donalds EMPTY drive thru as a reward for waking up early on a weekend and not stabbing me. A guy named Jason wearing a McDonalds uniform and bright yellow reflective vest and what looked like a modified IPAD jumped out of the bushes from behind the order screen and introduced himself.

Using my stealth like ninja skills I restrained myself from spraying mace in his eyes and tazering him in the nuts for jumping out of a bush. Because that's usually what happens to people who do that shit. But my quick MIB rationalization prevented poor Jason from suffering any more than he already was by having to do that job.

Me: OH the board is broke?
Jason: No it's working, they just have me out here today to bring a personal touch of customer service to everyone can I take your order my name is Jason.
Me: Oh, sure I need the biggest freaking container you can fit out your little window of coffee for the werewolf sitting next to me, I need a strawberry bannana smothie for me, and the kid in the back wants a plain mc griddle, orange juice, and apple slices.
Jason: did you know we now have mango pinapple smoothies?
Me: Shut the front door? Dude I love that combo? I wonder if I should get that?

HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK
Me: uh oh somebodies car alarm is going off huh?
I turn around and woman that clearly would freaking die of emaciation if she did not immediately cram some greasy food down her face hole was FUCKING HONKING AT ME for ordering. Then when she saw me look back ( because I thought a car alarm went off) she didn't just flip me off she gave me the good old entire forearm fuck you.
Me: Jason, is Piggy McFatnasty back there honking at us?
Jason: Yes ma'ma
Me: You know what Jason, that makes me hungry, and I have A.D.D., I am completely distracted, and I can't see the menu board, is there any way you can read me the entire menu, I have forgotten what you have here, because I never eat fast food.
Jason: (smiles) are you serious.
Me: yes Jason, I have a disability, it's very real, it's triggered by horns honking, it goes back to an old magic show where I was hypnotized as a child Thanks for helping.
Jason: Combo #1 blah blah blah

My husband: Stop being a bitch and go.
Me: what does bitch mean? see I can't even remember..
My husband: Look she probably didn't mean to honk
Me: she honked?
Jason; Combo #2 blah blah blah
My husband: seriously he has to deal with the hog face to face when we pull off.
Me: fine.

Me: Jason, stop reading. I know you have to be nice to McAttidue PigFace back there, but I want you to know something.
Jason: Yes?
Me: Some poor guy somewhere, puts up with that nasty bitch constantly, you only have to deal with her until she finishes her order.
Jason: you/'re the best customer I have ever had.

We pull to window 1 and pay, pull to widow 2 and get our food. I ask for a manager and tell her that I think Jason is doing a fine job and let her know that he maintained his composer and customer service even though a rude twat was honking while he was trying to do his job.
Then I tell my husband I am pulling over and bet him $20 that the honking McFartknocker would have a Christian bumper sticker. My husband told me I was on crack.

We watched old Tushy Tush get her McDoubleGrease Platter she flipped us off and as she drove away her bumper sticker said, " I let Jesus take the wheel"

ME: but you kept the fucking horn?

Husband: bitch here's your $20...

ahhhh

xo

PEACH OUT

My Daddy sent me this

2011-06-18T08:41:00.000-07:00

My Daddy sent me this .. Happy Fathers Day

Have a great weekend .

XO
PEACH OUT

It's summer they escaped from Walmart

2011-06-10T09:52:00.000-07:00

It's really clear summer is here, living on the beach we have beautiful beaches and it's awesome. But we have drawbacks. Like Hurricanes, and then last year the Oil Spill, but believe it or not, there are actually things that are worse... yes worse.

You know those people of Wal Mart? They get hot, then they go to our beaches, and it's not right, it's just not right. Here are some pictures. I warn you, it's not for the faint of heart.

A mullet and a Banana Hammock? wow, just kill me.

Not at all shocked she has a fanny pack but the wal-mart bag tied to her arm is a bonus huh? Maybe she is meeting Mullet dude.

No need for sunscreen when you wear a sweater to the beach, oh wait, sorry.

Who wants to bet me this dude is fairly wealthy.

That tree was alive 30 minutes ago, it literally killed itself.

some clothes should come with a weight limit instead of a size, and if you bring fried food to the beach and a table, I am just going to notice your pretty butterfly tattoo.

seriously.... there are so many things wrong with so many things in this picture I have lost the ability to think.

So now we all know what the sock fairy looks like. You know every time you put a pair of socks in the washing machine only 1 comes out? The sock fairy steals one of your socks? Obviously this is him. Really twat waffle it looks like you dipped your wanker in spf 100 .. that is nasty. Why has no one told you.

This is probably why the sea life is dying, we can't blame everything on the oil an hurricanes y'all.

PEACH OUT

rubbermaid, whores and my local news

2011-06-03T02:00:00.001-07:00

Dear local news. You're a bunch of fear mongering wretched whores. I am sure you already knew that. I know you you hate me hence the time you actually to effort to freaking "contacted me" and ask me to stop commenting on your stupid freaking hourly moronic facebook status posts that are strikingly un-brilliant.

I complied because frankly, I know I can be on the slightly ~~bitchy~~ logical side sometimes and I realize there is no room for that when we have such important breaking stories every hour such as, " a grain of sand was found in a councilmen's eye click here for more information." ( never mind every other house is a crack lab)
This area is booming for tourism but the work here is pretty clear cut either you work manual labor or at NASA and we only report on sports because more people here work manual labor. Hit your target audience. I get it.

But I do have to give you a hats of for hiring a couple chunkie chicks over the last couple years because hey, the rest of the world still thinks "thin is in" and that all women should like a 10 year old boy but clearly you hired chicks with curves and well these ladies got more of them then a bag of gummy worms.

Now to the actual current issue.

Yesterday was the start of Hurricane Season. I know this impart because a) I own a pulse, b) I live on the Gulf of Mexico, c) I actually have seen a calendar ( in a paper or digital format) d) I have an IQ higher than a cat turd on a stick and e) I am not on crack.

You spent the entire day, every 12 minutes between every show telling me it was the first day of hurricane season, with your awesome graphic. Thanks. Then at the 4 o'clock it was the lead story, complete with NOAA, Dr whogivesshits and Professor Yourtotallyscrewed predictions. Of course they are all dismal and just like that relgious sect confirm that the end is near.

Lucky for me, you also told me the names of the storms that will surly kill me ( if the brain and heart don't) and to make a hurricane kit. Now if you don't live in the south, here is what my lovely county, salvation army, and FEMA says should go in a Hurricane Emergency Kit.

That's nice. Can I say that Ponchos and Dust masks taste like shit no matter how much salt you put on them and hand sanitizer just does not get you as drunk as you would think it does considering the Alcohol per volume.

So here's the deal, people tell me, " OMG how can you live where there are hurricanes????" Well everywhere has natural disasters. Hurricanes are the ONLY one with a weeks notice. Also they are the only one that you have enough time to leave the "strike zone". There is a season it last from June 1 to Nov 30. They like the warm water. Usually the wave starts off the horn of Africa, cooks up in the Atlantic, hits some islands, then Cuba, and if it gets in the Gulf well it just loves the shallow hot waters and backs on up and can catch the Gulf Stream and go East or West. ( that is why you go NORTH !! NOT east or west).

So after watching everyone I know and love being homeless after Katrina except us ( my house sits at 100 ft above sea level). My house was 14 months old when it hit. We lost 2 roofs and 1 external wall our house was livable. I learned a LOT, but this thing in particular made me wish I didn't own a flat screen TV yesterday because I just couldn't figure out what would happen when I slammed my kids baseball bat through it.

True facts I learned from Katrina to prepared for Hurricane season, even if my Local news haven't figured it out.

~ Everyone needs a Hurricane kit and to stay aware during Hurricane

~ The items listed above would be an awesome started kit for any emergency including one in your car or a zombie attack.

~Hurricane Kits need to be water proof

~If your house blows away chances are you wont be able to find your fucking hurricane kit.

~What you need if you get slammed by a kick ass Hurricane like Katrina will not fit in a hurricane Kit.

3 new houses- 1 for me , 1 for my Dad and 1 for my Mom, plus all new documents, heirlooms and food.
Now that's a FREAKING hurricane kit !

or you could just do this one, which I find so much less stressful.

Although you will probably end up using the one directly above it once you have used up this one.

So I made a real life, hands on, true dat, no holds barred actual realistic Hurricane kit check list. It would probably work in most emergency situations, I am not sure, the only other natural disaster I have been in was some horrible tornado when I was a kid, and we owned a moldy skank basement..this is for my family of 3. You will need probably 3 tubs to do it right and they go in your car. Go check out my stuff that should actually go in your hurricane kit for REALZ. Trust me by clicking here.

Until them I will trying to dig my snorkel and water wings out of the hall closet, while sending my husband emails on how to do things like, use a hammer..

XO

PEACH OUT

I want ...

2011-06-01T11:22:00.000-07:00

Dooood ....

I am 7 ways from Sunday every level of jacked up.

I just got all the damn sticky marks from that hospital tape scraped off me and I look like a bruised up grape still.

Yesterday for no reason other than I fucking BLINKED WRONG. My damn right eye busted all the blood vessels.

I look like I just stepped into fight scene with Demi Moore in GI Jane ( suck her dick) finished whipping her ass and then went straight over to Mr and Mrs Smith and beat the shit out of old Angelina ( which I would do for $1.00) .

So I think I deserve a sparkly eye patch and shit. Like the one Johnny Depp has but with less fish smell and more glitter. But I am afraid to do anything because even typing this I am probably putting myself in mortal danger of like who the fuck knows. Clearly I have some type of mad ass voo-doo curse on me..

I blame someone.. I am not sure who yet.

I am getting back in my hamster ball and sitting here waiting for my glittery eye patch and packing peanuts safety chair to arrive.

xo

PEACH OUT

Remembering to Say Thank you.....

2011-05-30T12:56:00.000-07:00

The sun can not set a single day without me remembering in some small way to think of the price that they have paid.

Those so young that have left behind their childlike dreams and toys. All the little girls turn to women and men that spring from little boys.

The ones left behind are the moms and dads, the sisters the brothers, the young wives and soon to be mothers.

The families struggle on in a world that doesn't notice each day, yet they wait for the next word from the the piece of their heart so very far away.

So while we all get carried away with our own little worlds. So easy to do, if you could please take time to just stop and say.

Thank you.

From my Family to the Family of anyone who has every served or loved someone who served this country, thank you for your sacrifice for this country and the freedom around the world.

THANK YOU

xo

PEACH OUT

The original version of this video by J.M. Studios Can be found on You-Tube

Yeah you enjoy that mkay...

2011-05-25T04:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more; whatever the
case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to W est Virginia together! Have a great life!

--------------- ------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I t urned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem .

OH how I love things like this....

XO

PEACH OUT

I got more pricks than A Porn Star also here's a pic of my beaver.

2011-05-23T13:50:00.000-07:00

Ok this shit is getting old in a super fast way.

As most of you know on the 10th I drove myself to the E.R. like a big twatwaffle because I was having a heart attack. I never had a heart attack before and since I wasn't in a junk yard, and didn't have chest pains to be fair I wasn't 100% sure it was indeed a heart attack.

The Military in true fashion had 1 dude that finished the last couple weeks of school and he was playing golf or having an affair or whatever so they sent me to the civilian equivalent to a Gold fish Doctor where they cathed my heart on my daughter's 22nd birthday. I was awake for the beginning of the heart cath and I don't really recommend that for anyone except maybe a couple of those hyena bitches from "The View",
Click here and read - A nut in the Hand
anyway I wrote about it here, because I grabbed the Italian GoldFish Doctor by the nutsack.. He prescribed a medicine and we pretty much left thinking I had dodge another bullet and was rocking the heart with the kick butt sexy brain and it was all just gravy. Went to daughters grad, worked overtime trying to make up some funds, because MENSA man can't balance a budget any more than he can shave hair off a moldy dish he leaves laying in the sink for 3 days. Then went and watched the prince rock his county baseball tournament. Each day I got more and more tired. The fatigue was kicking my butt. But my days needed to be longer, going from 17- 19 to 21 hours. I had to catch up, I was becoming slower so my days had to become longer. I was tearing it up like a herd of turtles.

Ok actually I couldn't take more than 10 steps without panting like a freaking fat hog who just ran a 10 k with a hoho on a stick in front of her face. I saw my PCM ( which means Primary Care Physician even when they aren't always physicians, and most of the time they don't really care. I expressed to her like 15 times that I was extremely exhausted and it was getting worse, and I was worried. But my nearly a Doctor if she went to school for 10 more years and was over 17 years old said that's what happens with stress ( wtf you turd?) so I guess I am ok right? The only stress I have is the inability to communicate with you jackholes.

Long story short between they screwed up meds, and me trying to catch up from the time out from the heart attack ( which I called an event last week so as to play it down) and the "almost nearly a doctor" blowing me off, I almost nearly ate dirt in a permanent fashion this past weekend.

Thankfully the droid was home. I took a nap, ( rarely happens) on Saturday because I am in a state of constant exhaustion. I woke up with back pain. ONLY. However, since I have been in a state of permanent exhaustion he pulled the 'FUCK THIS" card, and took me to the Emergency room.

They scooted me straight back to the E.R. where my first labs and EKG came back awesome but they admitted me because it can take up to 12 hours for the Troponin ( or whatever enzime shows in your blood that you had the heart attack) to show up. Mind you neither time did I have chest pains.
Click here So you don't die, read this almost PSA by me This time I didn't even have the jaw pain or sweats, or shakies, or dizzies, or nothing. But the Droid was here, and he doesn't feel like wearing a tie to a funeral or cooking for the prince until he's 18 if I die so he is protecting his investment so he made me go.

They admitted me, and requested my records from the other civilian/ Goldfish hospital/doctor/popped nut Italian hottie guy.

Come to find out, it I win the bet against the Droid. I do have a freak heart. So nee nur. Unfortunately it's nearly as jacked up as my brain, which is as whiggidy whack as my attitude. I have super small aterieries, and some type of spasm issue which I guess makes me a spaz.

INSERT WORD AWESOME HERE- ___________________________________--
Because I am actually a freaking spaz.

The medicine they gave me the Goldfish Dr messed up and shouldn't have given me because I have low BP and low heart rate and dude gave me stuff to lower it. That will teach me to pop a Dr's nut YO. Yeah he may have been sitting on frozen peas but I kept eating tile flooring and stuff. Then the military Docs kept blowing me off, you know cause, I don't look or act sick. Apparently the hospital is based on theatrical abilities not medical issues.

So I spent my weekend in the Military hospital finding out the Goldfish people knew my heart was 47 levels of jacked up, yet they did nothing other than give me a medicine that could have killed me. The PCM ( nearly almost a real doctor who is looking forward to being able to vote next year and drink in a couple years) blew me and my complaints off even though she was handed the medicine.

My care is now handed over to a team of actual Dr's in Internal Medicine and Genetics. My bloodwork was drawn every 2 hours, I am on 5 new medicines which brings my daily total to 23. This time I am actually going to listen and be on bed rest. Because in the grand scheme of things I would rather be dead broke then just dead. I have been digging in the couch cushions broke before. Hell I have been, "wish I owned a couch!" broke before, so it's no biggie. Alive is so much more cool. I spent 2 years of my life adjusting to this crazy brain crap and yesterday I have coronary artery disease, some blockages, some spasms, some super small arteries, I think they found out that the smurfs butt rocking Gargamel live in my heart who knows.

Your tweets, dm's, facebook posts, and emails mean a LOT. Honestly I adore all of you crazy folks.
I have just as much hair on the dishes in my sink as I do on my floors. I am not spending much time on facebook or twitter. I miss everyone but I really want to dance at my daughters wedding one day, hold my yet to be dreamt up grandchildren and watch the prince who is 10 graduate. Those things are far off in the future and damn it I intend to be here. They say this shortens my life, whatever, they told my dad in 1987 he had 6 months.

So the entire " lifes a journey not a job thing, take it serious folks, rock every day, and who gives a crap if your socks don't match, or you spilled that lunch down the front of your shirt. Rock it !

xo

PEACH OUT

** Due to popular demand to see my 1/2 shave monkey/ beaver/groin just like the 80's in Daytona totally free of charge. These bruises were just from the first hospital stay. honestly now I look even more like Violet Beauregaurde, it's very sexy. Very Very Sexy.

Don't you wish your Beaver was hot like me. doncha, doncha..

Welcome to the family, finally....

2011-05-19T06:08:00.000-07:00

Dear House-

I remember when I used to dream about you. Living in a camper with my kids working 2 jobs and going to college.

I remember going through tons of blueprints, looking for what would become our home one day.

I remember planning in advance so the house would ALWAYS work for us. ( because nursing homes always smell like poo)

I remember when you were being built and how I told everyone that I just wanted you done, and then they would have to pry the keys from my dead hands to get me out, using a couple tow trucks.

I remember picking out furniture that would make each room "just right" and when we ran out of money and credit dropping into Guidos rent to own.

I remember allowing each kid to actually paint and furnish their own rooms ( finally) ( see huge mistake).

I remember how I wouldn't let the Droid mount a dish on you or put an antenna up on you because for a Geek he can go all Jed Clampet

I remember how you let me sleep in my daughters room the first 2 weeks she was gone to college and her bed wraps around you like a burrito shell.

I remember how proud I was that I had double equity in you over your debt because I did things the right way, boy was that glory short lived

I remember you taking a beating during a 2005 hurricane season. That's when I found out you didn't have wood under your siding, and your chimney was toe-nailed on by 3 nails.

I remember the kids being proud to bring their friends to see you because it wasn't a camper and there weren't any wheels under you or anything.

I remember hearing a violin, a trumpet, drums, and singing bellow from the upstairs, which was torture beyond all belief sort of like a bag of kittens being beaten with a hammer.

I remember the first hole in our wall and the time I flooded the master suite and closets so bad we had to tear out the carpet, the "first " time I flooded it. why has no one invented a your shit is about to overfill alarm ( consider that idea copyrighted as of this second people)

and now you are just a filthy banged up in need of attention money sucking, upside down huge mortgage having pain in my ass.

I am so glad you stopped out shinning me and decided you wanted to be more like me. every level of fucked up.

Welcome to the family you big piece of shit.

No idea who to credit for this since a reader sent it to me. Thanks you rock,
Also did you notice we make our house wear the red shirt on away missions, heh. stupid house.

XO

PEACH OUT

A nut in the hand is better than 2 in the Bush

2011-05-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

You know what's NOT awesome? A fucking heart attack. Oh yeah other things suck, like a flat tire, being late for work or a speeding ticket. But I have to tell you guys, a heart attack ranks right up there with an IRS anal probing and shit.

Here's a quick run down.

Tuesday Morning I had a heard attack.
I drove myself to the E.R. after I posted, answered emails, showered, fed the dogs, and moved the clothes to the dryer.
The military E.R. Dr is a fucking douche and actually had the fucking balls to say that since I drove myself, walked in, and was telling jokes that he didn't think I had a heart attack it was probably a panic attack. ( do people tell jokes when they have panic attacks? I ask since I have never had one and should know in case I do have one so I don't bother any cocky E.R. Doctors.)
5 minutes later the same Dr was helping cut off my clothes when my fucking blood work and tests showed I had a heart attack, now whose panicking bitch.
The Military base has a lot of Dr's but unfortunately only 1 of their heart Doctors went to the last 2 weeks of school, and he happened to be on vacation. Go fucking figure.
The ambulance that came to take me to Civilian hospital was super cool, but the driver had a horrible stutter and The Prince thought the ambulance guy was kidding and kept giggling and I had an O2 mask on and an IV so I couldn't tell him to stop or grab him and it was like my husband didn't notice. So now I have to fucking make cookies or shit for that poor ambulance guy, even though he didn't say anything I was like FUCK, I can't die cause The Prince has no clue he's being totally NON PC right now. Damn it.
I should have eaten dinner Monday night or breakfast Tuesday morning before I went to the E.R. because I was NPO until Wednesday night and that sucked big and hard.
Wednesday at noon I met my heart surgeon he was like 5'4 and Italian, and seemed super cool, he said he was sure my heart was awesome and he was just going to drive the camera up to take a peak. I know that was code for I want to see if your carpet matches your drapes.
I have a weakness for Italians. So I was like sure baby, I mean Dr Olive whatevs.. wink wink.
I tweeted- "gotta go I am going down"
apparently when people know you are in the hospital for a heart attack, you shouldn't use the words, "I'm going down"... it caused quite the freak out. whoops, my bad.
I was totally fucking awake in the cath lab.
I told them I was totally fucking awake in the cath lab
All 3 nurses and the anesthesiologist ignored me when I told them repeatedly I was awake in the cath lab.
The have clear plastic things that come up over your arms from the shoulder down to your wrists on the table so that you can't move them in the cath lab.
Those would work great if you weren't awake in the cath lab.
I screamed in the cath lab when they clamped the drape to my stomach skin before they cathed my heart in the cath lab because I was FUCKING AWAKE.
When the little Italian Dr walked up to my right side to start the procedure in the Cath lab I mentioned I was awake and even said he didn't need to cath my heart because if I had a heart condition I would be having a FUCKING HEART ATTACK SINCE I WAS FUCKING AWAKE IN THE CATH LAB.
I felt the Dr grab up a chunk of my groin near my lovely lady bump and I said hey baby I been telling your people I am wide freaking awake here, please don't cut me I can feel everything.
then he cut me and I was wide awake.
The clear plastic things to hold your arms down probably sounded like a good idea in theory.
The Dr screamed, " She's got me"
The nurse screamed it's not sterile.
The anesthesiologist said, "wait, she's awake"
No fucking shit home pickle. I hope the heart Dr punched the anesthesiologist in the dick.
Right after he took the frozen peas off his popped nut.
I hope he already has kids, if not, sorry man, but you shouldn't cut a bitches groin until she is knocked out. That hurts. mkay?
I lived. I'm home. Surgery was on my daughter Sam-I-am's Birthday, then she Graduated from her University on Friday, ( of course I went, it totally rhymes with complete bedrest)
Droid has restricted my online time, yet still wants clean clothes and food, I can type from bed... somethings seriously wrong with this picture.

That's it. Now you know. Thanks to all who loved up on me and my bruised groin and shit..... you rock.

PEACH OUT

**********************************************

Here are some of the get well posts/cards I have gotten, thanks guys, ya rock.

JC Little of @littleanimation http://www.theanimatedwoman.com/2011/05/hearts4peachy.html

Absence of Alternatives of @SubWow
http://absenceofalternatives.com/2011/05/a-love-song-for-sandi.html

The ReckMonster of @ReckMonster http://michellelcsw.blogspot.com/2011/05/quick-peachy-shout-out.html

Vicki of @VickiLikesFrogs http://www.theglitterfrog.com/2011/05/get-well-soon-sandi.html

Holly of @MidWesternMamaH http://www.midwesternmamah.com/2011/05/for-fellow-blogger-prayers-postitive.html

Make my ATM talk dirty to me.- SAM I AM

2011-05-10T07:03:00.000-07:00

In honor of the fact that my first born gets her 3rd degree ( which means the kid has shit tons of debt in a crappy economy and it's all my fault for making her go to college) THIS FREAKING FRIDAY! I thought it would be super cool to bring back some posts from her.

So here, like it, love it, revel in her fucking genius. She didn't learn this shit in college people. Also tomorrow is her birthday. Send her money, and super powers.

*****************

So there I was for the first time in my life SPEECHLESS....

See my 21 year old daughter had come home from college for a couple days, and we had to run by the banks for her. Yes I said the banks. Because apparently not only is my daughter a better person, a smarter person, a more sober person, she is also better with money, so much better that she uses 3 banks. Yes 21, putting herself thru college, and 3 banks. All with money in them? WTH? How did this happen? I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth here people, I support her success whole heartedly I mean she is the one who will pick out and probably pay for my nursing home in a few years.

I don't know maybe she took my philosophy on how to be an adult, " just do the opposite of your parents". It seemed to work for me. I mean I got a kid in college, paying her own way legally and stuff and wow, she has all these bank accounts and no debt.. ( I know again with the WTH?).

If you have been reading along you have seen my praises about my daughter, and how she is so on track with the non drinking and non dating and not wanting to get distracted until she is done with college and secure with herself and blah blah blah, basically the complete opposite of everything I did. Which was advance drinking 303, right before I changed majors 3 kabillion and five times before dropping out to become a proam drinker just a mere semester prior to the degree. But alas life on the road was too much and I settled down.

So as we pulled up to the last bank she didn't need to go in she used the ATM and it asked her enough questions to determine the color of her under garments and she was getting steamed. Then it took too long to print out the receipt. She the did the unthinkable as she jerked the harmless little piece of paper out. She cursed at the ATM.

GASP

I said in my best Mommy voice, " Honey you know you're on tape when you use those ATM's ?"

She looked at me with a look like I had just insulted her intelligance then turned to the machine and started.

" To whoever is watching this. As much as I pay you to babysit my money, as much as I pay you in your fees, you need to know this. I cussed at your machine. I didn't punch it, but I can. As much of my money as you suck away without providing me at the very least a human with a substandard IQ to deal with I should be able to slap your machine around, and your machine should talk dirty to me, instead of just words on a screen I should get to select the voice and accent and an option to choose the level of filth I complete my financial transaction in. In fact, I want to feel like I need a drink when I leave this ATM, I want it to be so Raunchy my ATM has a safe word. That would be customer service worth paying for."

She then drove away as if nothing had just happened.

Ok she is totally my daughter... and I want to be her when I grow up.

That's my girl.

PEACH OUT !

A rose by any other name....

2011-05-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is"

So here's the moral of the story folks. It's all about presentation and marketing...

PEACH OUT

10 Reasons I would hump a Navy Seal

2011-05-03T06:09:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Reasons I would Hump a Navy Seal

Step 1-Go to Google

Step 2-Click on Images

Step 3- Type in Navy Seals and hit enter

Step 4- Drool and Awe

yeah they are awesome.

But the number 1 reason is that I am a fucking patriot, and I feel it is my civic duty and I will due whatever I can to serve the men who serve my country. Ahem, nudge nudge, wink wink you know what I mean, because DAMN them Seals are the Seals that club back. I would also go clubbing with a navy seal. grawr... yumm and nom... drool.

PEACH OUT

completely NON PC

2011-05-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

First you must know this is Non politically correct as are 99.999999% things on this blog, if you don't like that go to Being Peachy that's like 47% PC, or Disney that's like 54% PC.

Second- whenever a conversation turns to natural disasters I say give me hurricanes, even after living through so many I pick those because you have like a weeks warning. NO OTHER natural disaster do you get that kind of warning. As a military brat ( kid) and then spouse ( retired) I can pack and move an entire house and 3 kids, 2 dogs, 1 cat, 2 fish, a hamster, and a hermit crab in 2 days to another country. Bob knows I can snatch up our hurricane kit and everything that matters along with booking a hotel room, getting 60 days of prescriptions, fill up gas cans, prime a generator, and get us all hauled up to a hotel which we call a vacation on the Weezie Jefferson Plan, " Movin on Up". You always head North ! Because if you go East or West, the sucktastic storm will surfire track your ass and swing that way. You head NORTH, NORTH, do you hear me new-commers? NORTH. You have a weeks notice to go at least 4 hours NORTH! But it appears each person loves their regions natural disasters as long as they didn't just have one. I guess it's like giving birth, the shitty memory fades just enough for you to tolerate it.

HURRICANES- BEST NATURAL DISASTER EVER !

(LEVEE'S BREAKING- APPARENTLY THE WORST )

So on my facebook wall there was this big debate and somebody in the central US said Oh I will stick with Tornadoes and after the massive tragedy that just struck the South East I am like NO WAY! Then a Hawaii friend was all, " Volcano's are cool" I was like are you shitting me lava sucks as Pompeii. Then my East Coast person chirped in with " Earthquakes are easy" ( I think she meant Barbie)

The only one of those I have dealt with ( other than hurricanes is the Tornadoes. Can I throw in a big fat - TORNADOES SUCK ASS. Seriously as a kid I remember running to the old lady closet smelling basement which was kind of fun, and by fun I mean it was fun until the train noise made our house fall down on the basement and we had to get dug out. They didn't have sirens but it busted into my cartoons and I told my mom and we had like 10 minutes to get in there. It was a fucking miracle my mom was sober enough to fall down the stairs rather quickly since I lured her with a slow gin fizz. Repeat- TORNADOES SUCK ASS ! My husband, The Droid was an Old time Tornado Chaser/Reporter in OKC. No thanks. I like the weeks notice thing. If you get hit by a hurricane. Sorry it's your choice, let me say it again A FUCKING WEEKS NOTICE.

So then my brain ran off in the non PC direction and I came up with these questions for the earthquake people.

1-If you are having shitty sex, and there is an earthquake, does the sex get better? Would that make you think it's good and then would you give them another shot? Is it like the old Motel beds with "magic fingers"? Where you slip a quarter in for the " good stuff?" Thus leading to a fake higher sexual rating.

2-If there is an earthquake and you jump on an unbalanced washing machine does it counter act the earthquake thus making you think there is no earthquake? If so shouldn't you invest in a laundry mat? or live near one?

3-If you have Parkinsons do you even know there is an earthquake?

4-Do Smoothie shops save on their electric bills when there is an earthquake because their shit gets all shaken up for free?

5-Japan has been washing nuclear waste into the ocean since that huge earthquake. What is the incubation period for Godzilla?

XO

PEACH OUT

** disclaimer- I have the utmost respect and heartfelt sympathy for the people of Japan, the way they have handled themselves after this huge tragedy, also the people suffering from Parkinsons. So if you feel the need to flame me you are so totally wasting your time. I wont care, unless you have Parkinsons and you happen to be Godzillas mom and live in the Nuclear Power Plant in Japan while outrunning lava. Honestly you don't want to play the pity or card with me right now. Trust me.**

completely NON PC

2011-05-01T18:20:00.001-07:00

First you must know this is Non politically correct as are 99.999999% things on this blog, if you don't like that go to Being Peachy that's like 47% PC, or Disney that's like 54% PC.

Second- whenever a conversation turns to natural disasters I say give me hurricanes, even after living through so many I pick those because you have like a weeks warning. NO OTHER natural disaster do you get that kind of warning. As a military brat ( kid) and then spouse ( retired) I can pack and move an entire house and 3 kids, 2 dogs, 1 cat, 2 fish, a hamster, and a hermit crab in 2 days to another country. Bob knows I can snatch up our hurricane kit and everything that matters along with booking a hotel room, getting 60 days of prescriptions, fill up gas cans, prim a generator, and get us all hauled up to a hotel which we call a vacation on the Weezie Jefferson Plan, " Movin on Up". You always head North ! Because if you go East or West, the sucktastic storm will surfire track your ass and swing that way. You head NORTH, NORTH, do you hear me new-commers? NORTH. You have a weeks notice to go at least 4 hours NORTH! But it appears each person loves their regions natural disasters as long as they didn't just have one. I guess it's like giving birth, the shitty memory fades just enough for you to tolerate it.

HURRICANES- BEST NATURAL DISASTER EVER !

(LEVEE)'S BREAKING- APPARENTLY THE WORST

So on my facebook wall there was this big debate and somebody in the central US said Oh I will stick with Tornadoes and after the massive tragedy that just struck the South East I am like NO WAY! Then a Hawaii friend was all, " Volcano's are cool" I was like are you shitting me lava sucks. and the East Coast person was chirped in with " Earthquakes are easy"

The only one of those I have dealt with is the Tornadoes. Can I throw in a big fat - TORNADOES SUCK ASS. Seriously as a kid I remember running the old lady closet smelling basement which was kind of fun, and by fun I mean it was fun until the train nose made our house fall down on the basement and we had to get dug out, we had like 10 minutes to get in there. It was a fucking miracle my mom was sober enough to fall down the stairs. My husband, The Droid was an Old time Tornado Chaser/Reporter in OKC. No thanks. I like the weeks notice thing. If you get hit by a hurricane. Sorry it's your choice, let me say it again A FUCKING WEEKS NOTICE.

So then my brain ran off in the non PC direction and I came up with these questions for the earthquake people.

1-If you are having shitty sex, and there is an earthquake, does the sex get better? Would that make you think it's good and then would you give them another shot? Thus leading to a fake higher sexual rating.

2-If there is an earthquake and you jump on an unbalanced washing machine does it counter act the earthquake thus making you think there is no earthquake?

3-If you have Parkinsons do you even know there is an earthquake?

4-Do Smoothie shops save on their electric bills when their is an earthquake because their shit gets all shaken up for free?

5-Japan has been washing nuclear waste into the ocean since that huge earthquake. What is the incubation period for Godzilla?

I will drop kick your ass

2011-04-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

Dear People of Friday.

To the 5'1' E.R. Doctor that suffered from a sever case of Dolphin syndrome) having his head so far up his ass he had a hole in the back of his neck so that he could breath). I understand why you became a Dr. You suffered from little man syndrome your entire life. So you had to go to school so you could feel big and then you caught GOD syndrome and now unfortunately you have DICK syndrome. I say this because when you step in the room after 5 hours of testing and say something about a major organ followed with the word organ and then step out of the room and I grab you in the hall way you don't tap my arm and go, " sweetie" and run away.
This get's your tiny ass dropped kicked like Charlie Brown from Peanuts. Please also know the nurses hate your freaking guts and wanted me to stomp you into a puddle of scrubs. Good luck with the way everything works out for you dude.

ON the flip side- Ms Kick Ass female DR that told the barbie nurse to shut her face hole and then said, " do you want to die or listen? " wow I love you. nuff said. Absolutely you should run that place. Also I would pay good money to watch you drop kick Dr Dick from the ER.

Dear Lazy Mother fucking Cop from TN who called me at 11pm at night. Do not try to guilt me for not wanting to bail someone out of jail. Sorry you had to do your job and arrest a criminal. WOW that had to suck. Also sorry you are having to actually put a pen to paper or run your doughnut stained fingers peg by peg over the keyboard to type out a report. But do NOT fucking call me to bond out someone. Then have the nerve to get pissy to the point I can HEAR YOU roll your lazy ass eyeballs when I say NO I WILL NOT BOND OUT THE CRIMINAL because as you said, " I will have to do more paperwork". fucking wha. I am sure that will hold you up from what? finishing up the job? a painter has to wash his brushes when he's done he hates that shit, a cook has to wash the dishes and a mom has to change diapers, do the fucking paperwork. You COPS hate bondsmen like they are scum, YET YOU want family to come up there and huff and puff when we don't well suck my fictional dick ass hat, he broke the law, and can sit, he needs to sit, in fact, he shouldn't be out, First rule of my club, don't break the law, second rule, if you do don't get caught, third rule- dont be stupid enough to call me.

Dear Drug Dealer friend of the person in jail- I would like to personally thank you for blowing my phone up everyone 7 minutes from 1130pm until 6am ( presumably when your crack/pot/meth/drano wore off) crying into my phone. I understand you have a disease, you're sick. blah blah, hear my bleeding heart weep for you as you run around laughing while you rob society, innocent hardworking people and commit crimes to score your shit, I would love it if I had enough faith in the Police where you were I would tell each of your dumb stoned asses I was wiring you money just so they would know where to pick up up, but since Officer 2FUCKING LAZY. Probably wouldn't be there that just means you would figure out the deal and come kill me so I wont.

and to the final person of yesterday that needs to be drop kicked- ME. What the hell are you doing? The Prince got pegged in the spine and face with a baseball during over time and you didn't even bring it up. I mean I realize 2 other people are like in seriously crap right now but really? the prince.
ME2- Yeah well I think a family member in the hospital, handling it, ER, admitting, blah, then the entire out of state thing with the problem person and blah, I mean blah, I am exhausted and now I have to go again and handle everything, remember this past monday I said I think I have a brain cloud on here. hello?
ME- Shut the fuck up. Take your fucking stun gun with you today, also pepper spray, also, video camera, cause you if stun gun someones ass you better video it, then youtube it before they pick you up. You are going to snap huh?
ME2- probably I mean I am fucking talking to myself here shit.

If you are on this list, consider your ass drop kicked. ( that goes double for me)

Not often seen here

2011-04-28T10:52:00.000-07:00

Not often will you see me here, act sane, but today I have to take a minute to do this for some people I have never met and probably never will.

photo credit to wkrg.com news mobile alabama

It was nearly 20 years ago my world was turned upside down when my second child was born, I had no clue the words Apgar scores would mean so much and that lead me to write the 3 part series the hardest thing.

It was around 16 years ago I stood trembling in the road with my 2 babies as I watched everything I owned engulfed in a ball of orange while men in red trucks ran with hoses toward the ball. Then handed me a singular spoon, 1 tennis shoe and a blue plastic hanger to start our lives over.

It was 10 years ago when 58 days and 2 dear friends made the difference between the life and death of my darling Prince being alive today and being able to have a water balloon fight on his birthday this past weekend.

It was almost 6 years ago that a wall of water washed away 40 years of the hard work, memories, love and laughter of nearly everyone I know in the 4 counties around me. Yet for some reason, I was left nearly untouched? When not a school, fire department, hospital, or even a road was left, why. I searched for families with gas cans we filled in other states, with laptops powered on generators, looking for people. We painted on plywood and had adorable babies swimming in our bathtub to cool down. We had a well, and a generator. Our only damage was a trampoline that had flown over the house, grabbed the chimney and ripped off the fireplace which took down one wall, sure we lost the roof, but it stayed on, it merely snapped all the beams, we were indeed the lucky ones. Everyone was so equal. There were no socio economic classes. There was no race, no crime, everyone helped everyone was the same here, the roads were cleared by the neighbor men with chainsaws, the elderly were taken care of by the women with water, and the ladies who canned food shared with everyone. The teens cleared debris and watched babies so the others could drive looking for lost loved ones, or missing homes. You shared what you had, and you didn't ask for anything because everyone knew what everyone needed and no Thanks was necessary. ( in case you haven't figured it out that little storm was called Katrina)

It was less than 24 hours ago that over 200 people have lost their lives in my State and the States neighboring me. It was 2 counties north of me it didn't even rain here. I see the sunshine and wonder why as I run through my facebook and twitter trying to do a roll call to check on everyone. There are no reasons I can offer. There are no words I can write that can make anything better. Nothing can take away the destruction, the loss, the pain, the hurt, the fear the will come back every time a dark cloud comes or those sirens ring out. The simple words I am so sorry are not enough. But I am. For the people that today are without shelter, scared, worried, and wondering what to do, there are people all over this little blue and green ball, thinking of you today that you will never know sending you good thoughts and strength. When it all feels lost, most things can be replaced, the things that can not, you must work hard to remember in your heart.

I will leave you with the most worthless words on the planet, yet they are all I have. I am so sorry.

From the Gulf Coast.. Sending love and good thoughts to those in in pain.

XO

PEACH OUT

**photo credit to wkrg.com mobile alabama**

Pretty sure I have a fucking brain cloud.

2011-04-25T07:09:00.000-07:00

OK if you don't watch scrubs first fuck you, because it was awesome, also now it's on really late in re runs so that means you don't suffer from insomnia so chances are you don't have a damn brain cloud so screw you.

But they had this one episode where this chick heard everything as a musical and it was super freaking hilarious that was until they found out she had a brain tumor. Which I will call a Brain Cloud because I loved Joe and the Volcano and if you don't know that movie well then double fuck off because that means your probably younger than me and I hope you order a hot fudge sundae and it's really hot and sticks to the roof of your mouth and shit. Because clearly I am having issue with my Brain cloud. Clearly I must have one.

The obvious evidence I have one is that I have found myself singing everything to myself to remember shit.

The problem is it is not a show tune. I guess this means I am not gay, which is a bummer, because as a chick I would love to be gay because there are some seriously hot chicks I would love to get to at least 3rd base with and I love hot shoes and hooker boots and fake eyelashes and doing the super model stomp and flipping my hair around and acting like a diva. OH HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE. As a chick I can do that without being gay right? SA-WEET! I feel much better about not being gay but I am still bummed about the idea of living with this fucking brain cloud and singing everything to myself.

All last month I constantly sang the song " think of me, think of me fondly" whenever left a room or told someone good bye. Now that may sound funny. To me it was, but to everyone else it wasn't probably because my singing is like a bag of kittens being beaten with the hammer of Thor. But at least it was a theme right? I mean it served a purpose and didn't point towards a BRAIN CLOUD !

But this past weekend I caught myself singing instructions to myself at every turn. To 1 particular tune.
"Get your panties on." "Put the clothes in dryer." "Load the dish washer" "Feed the fucking dogs." "Shut the backdoor now." " Open power bill" "put phone on charger"

WHAT THE FUCK IS WAPNER ON AT 5PM? HOW MANY TOOTHPICKS ARE IN THAT BOX? DO I NEED MY UNDERWEAR FROM K-MART?

"I AM IRON MAN"

holy bob, I have a brain cloud, I am not only talking to myself, I am singing reminders of mundane tasks to myself, while sober to the tune of fucking iron man. That's it woman, it's over, you have done what can not be undone. To much radon, or florecent lighting, or mt dew, or whatever. Just get some big ass luggage, and fling your fat ass in a volcano for the good of mankind.

Don't bother sending help, I fear I am too far gone already.

PEACH OUT

YOU WRITE HERE ! - A guest Post !

2011-04-22T06:15:00.000-07:00

I received a submission for the "YOU WRITE HERE" anonymous bloggers vent arena on this blog. A place they can come, free of trolls to say what needs to be said, where their readers wont be shattered when their persona is thrown on the ground and trampled with crocs. So today you get a break from my self deprecating humor, potty mouth, and physical threats to innocents. I think most of us can relate to my Guest who I expect you treat with the utmost respect or I will spork your ass.
Thanks.

xo

PEACH OUT

I hate being strong

Everyone I know sees me as a "strong" person. It has its blessings and it definitely has its curses. I usually don't let on about what I feel sucks as far as being perceived as "strong." That would fuck with my "bad ass" persona.

But, Peachy is kind enough to lend a spot to those of us who need to let it out - so I'm going to take advantage of her generosity.

I hate being strong because it means I am always expected to solve the damned problems, when sometimes all I want to do is fade into the background with all of the other sheep.

I hate being strong because it means I'm the "go to" person, when sometimes I'd like to kick back and let OTHER people do the work.

I hate being strong because it means having to come up with the "right" answers when all I feel like I do is "fake it till I make it."

I hate being strong because it means people think I have no weaknesses - but they don't know how ONE sideways word can throw me into a mental tizzy for days.

I hate being strong because people grow to depend on you - and it's a mother fucker being on your game 100% of the time.

I hate being strong because of the EXPECTATIONS that come along with it - I can't fuck up.

I act like I don't give a shit about a lot of things - and to a certain extent, I am able tonot care too much about what people I barely know think about me. But, people that I let "in" to know me - I care what they think. I don't trust very easily. And while my "outward" personality screams "EXTROVERT!" - few people know that I spend a lot of time inside my head and have a really hard time letting anyone get "close" to me. I think that's probably why I have a hard time with relationships. I come off as this "strong" personality - and I rarely let myself be vulnerable. Because when you're vulnerable - people can (and WILL) hurt you. Not too many people know the true extent of "hurt" I have endured in my lifetime. I don't give that information out freely.

My walls have cost me a lot, relationship-wise. My mother once told me, "You're such a bitch no one is ever going to marry you!" When you're 19 and you hear that, you don't care so much. It's amusing. But when you're 28 and feeling the pressure to get hitched to the dildo you've been dating for 3 years so that you don't look like a "failure" - those words your mother uttered nearly a decade prior ring in your ears like the gong show. I got married when I knew I shouldn't have. I remember thinking on the morning of my wedding day (at age 29), as I sat in the pool at this fancy hotel, "I wonder how many years we'll actually stay married before we get divorced." Bad sign. But, I got married nevertheless...just to prove a point: someone DID marry the bitch.

I hate being strong, because from that marriage sprung this little being - who is totally dependent on me. I didn't plan on having kids, and the truth is, I really feel like I'm a pretty selfish and self-absorbed person - so I didn't actually want kids. Neither did my husband. He was rather peeved when the news was delivered to him. Not exactly jumping for joy - but my parents were - because, again, it was another source of "failure" to not deliver a grandchild after 3 years of marriage. From that point on, I knew that I would be the parent who was most responsible for the "parenting" of this little being. And I was right. That husband "lasted" just about seven years (not including the four years we spent together BEFORE we got married). Now, one child and one divorce later, I bear the full burden of making sure that the little person doesn't grow up to be a serial killer. It's a fucking drag sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love my kid, but being the SOLE person responsible for ensuring that a person gets instilled with all of the shit they need to become a worthwhile human being...that pressure is immense. And sometimes I don't want that pressure. Sometimes I want to scream, "Why should I have to be the one to deal with all of this shit?" Oh, because the child's father isn't terribly invested...and I am the "strong" one, after all. Nobody questions my ability to handle all of this...but me.

I question myself all of the time. I wonder what the hell makes people think I can handle the stress, the pressure, the challenge, blah, blah, blah. They don't know that I pray for strength. I pray for guidance. I pray for luck. I wish for help. I wish for support. I wish for relief. And some days, I wish to just be left the fuck alone. Some days, I wish to BE that wallflower that blends into the background. They sure do seem to have it a lot easier. No expectations. No disappointment if they don't do something spectacular. Some days - I'm quite sure that ignorance ain't got nothing on bliss as far as "mediocrity" is concerned.

Sometimes I find myself so envious - envious of married people, envious of divorced people whose ex-spouses play a huge part in their kids'lives, envious of people without kids, envious of people who have never been married and have no intentions of getting married, envious of people with large extended families around them, envious of people with NANNIES AND HOUSEKEEPERS!

But, when all is said and done...I do what I always do. I let my "strong" self take over and just handle what needs to be handled. Someone once said to me that God will only give you what you can handle. Sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much.

Faking it till I make it.

A little salt with that?

2011-04-21T04:42:00.000-07:00

When dinosaurs roamed the earth, I went to this place called school. Yes it's true my last 2 years of High School I skipped more than I attended but that's what happens when you place a high school close enough to Dayton Beach that I can smell that salt water.

I am sure it had little to do with the fact I turned my trunk into a cooler with roll out insulation and garbage bags, and the days I did attend I was so drunk I couldn't stand up. I had understanding teachers and went to school in the days that it was ok to tie up your principal and throw desks out a window. It was a time before no child left behind or zero tolerance.

Somewhere around the Mesozoic era I taught, yes me, shut up, I did it for 1 year and it was in exchange for my children's tuition at private school. My oldest son was sighted as the reason that a teacher quit in her letter of resignation and moving to Iceland. I don't blame her, I almost removed my reproductive organs with a spork after he was born. But that was long ago and I have blocked it out with much effort and expensive vodka.

My husband the Droid has a higher advanced math Degree, Metorology and a couple Computer whatevers, and I have a couple under my belt not to mention the Prince is our 3rd go around, and literally the easiest child on the planet to raise or teach. So when this year, Mr. Good Citizenship. Student of the Year, Good Conduct, winner of the Regional Physics Science Fair, A Honor Roll brought home his 4th C on a test in math we were how do you say..... " pissed".

After the mandatory parental lectures a conference was requested. Then we looked through his folder and saw that 7x7=49 was wrong and 7x3=21 was wrong and 12x2=24 is wrong.

Well suck my imaginary dick and color me confused. Clearly there was an error in the grading. No biggie we will straighten this out in a jiffy lube.

So we get there 15 minutes early and wait 30 minutes because she apparently had to tweet or what the hell ever because it was her break. Then the cram my fat ass and my husbands 6'5 ass in the tiniest chairs you have ever seen while she and her cohort sit in normal adult chairs.

* Note- this was a power technique we used in psychology and GVT to keep the upper hand, and control of the situation. It didn't work since she is the same age of my daughter and I felt I didn't need control.

So we begin with how is he in the class, are there any problems? blah blah, yackity yak, blah. Then we say we are concerned as he has brought home 4 C's and he has never had below an A, and this is the foundation to the rest of his education and we want to make sure he understands here so that he doesn't fall behind, is he understanding in class, paying attention turning in work, what can we do to work as a team blah.

TEACHER- your son is absolutely the sweetest child ever, I adore him, don't even worry about the grades, he is a doll baby.

ME: well if this was the doll baby acadamy I wouldn't but it's a school so I am worried about the grades, for example I think there is an issue with the grading on this test, example 12x2=24 is marked wrong so is 7x3=21 and so on.

TEACHER ( looks at us like we are morons)= yes, those are wrong, a LOT of the OLDER parents have an issue understanding new math, we don't waste time memorizing multiplication anymore, we now estimate, he didn't estimate, so they are wrong.

HUSBAND- ( about to lose higher math mensa IQ shit)- excuse me, did you just say "waste time learning multiplication? are you aware they are called math FACTS? it's because it's a fact, not a theory or opinion, they don't change, also how can they divide, if they can't multiply? also no where do the instruction say "estimate" those "x" symbols mean multiply in mathematics.

TEACHER- ( wont make eye contact with husband anymore and looks at me) your son knows this we learned this in class, so he knew what to do, and knows why he got it wrong.

ME- Well with us being OLDER parents, with HIGHER DEGREES, we are probably confusing him by making him learn things like multiplication and such, so I would like him to enter your tutoring program immediately.

TEACHER- OH, well that's for kids who are failing.

ME- ok I will tell him to stop turning in homework or answering any questions, since we are old and dumb. Also do you like chair with salt?

TEACHER- excuse me?

ME- I am just wondering if you want salt on that chair if I make you fucking eat it if you call me old again?

TEACHER- OH I didn't mean it like that.

ME- I did.

End result. My kid went to that teachers tutoring for 6 weeks 3 days a week, and fell off honor roll for the first time in 5 years, yep, he went from 5 years of straight A's to 1 A, 3 B's an 2 C's, can you spell A-W-E-S-O-M-E?

Probably not if you're an old parent, because even as an old parent he was still on honor roll all A honor roll, possibly looking at a B in one subject. But Thankfully we put him in tutoring so he was able to be fully submerged in that awesome learning system and we stepped out of the equation as to not confuse him with our old and dusty out of date thoughts that the teacher pointed out would only " mislead him". Now he has horrible grades. How cool is that?

XO

PEACH OUT

Dry Hump Day

2011-04-20T05:14:00.000-07:00

Happy Dry Hump Day yall

I got 2 awards yesterday. Both from guys? Dig that.

1 from Oil Field Trash at http://make-daddy-a-sammich.blogspot.com

and the other from

@Grocery_Dad at http://grocerydad.blogspot.com/

As usual I suck and fail and have a high rate at losing these things I will slap them up in the trophey case over at http://www.beingpeachy.com Thanks guys, YOU ROCK.

Here's your Dry Hump Day Chuckles.

********************************

A man was sitting on the porch with his wife and he says "I love you."

She asks "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me.......talking to the beer."”

**************************************

*****************************************************************

Enjoy

PEACH OUT

Open my Ketchup or go to Jail do not collect $200

2011-04-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

The GPS Screamed turn around turn around as if the raven screaming never more never more,
I ended up in the place where a girl could get a dime bag or so much more so much more.
I saw the hood the projects and some kick as heels fishnets a couple weaves and long ass nails,
finally the guy turned around and I asked him how the fuck to do I get my white ass to the Ritz Carlton.

He came back at me with, " oh shit pretty woman you all lost and fuck aint you?"
No shit Nyquil, Help a speckled bitch out.

I get there and drive my crusty dusty missing a hub cap from the bumper car extravaganza french fries in the seat belts empty mt dew bottles littering the floor boards over flowing ashtray cracked windshield from a kayak totally hoptie mini van up in the Ritz Vallet. BAM. Suck on THAT bitchez. They open the door and hug my ass. Can I just say, THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE WAY TO GET A FUCKING TIP? yeah you roll my fat ass out of a car after playing bumper cars in the projects and breathing in a paper bag and hug me and hand me some wine? YOU ARE GETTING TIPPED! possibly a blow job. just saying, that is service.

All I can say is that NOLA was awesome as it always is, I have the luxury of going there whenever I want. So do my children. It's just next door. So we are "locals". But it was nice to see some old friends, put some faces to some names, and then meet some new people.

I also nearly stabbed a few bitches. Just saying. I didn't pass out 1 damn card the entire time. I know you're shocked right? Not. yeah. you know me. In fact I used my real first name ~~half~~ the entire time and totally avoided even telling people any of my blog names or where I write. But I have to tell you. I did get outed a couple of times. But it was all good and by people I totally didn't mind getting outed by. For example there was an opening of a Ketchup bottle with a male genitalia, and a conversation with powdered sugar on testicles. You know who you are.

Then the entire Joe and the Volcano luggage chick? Shit, I nearly flung myself on a friggin fork, seriously. Thank Bob for Brandy in the Club lounge.

The Highlight was a tie. I can't decide whether it was when I out drank this guy in the French Quarter because he was being all douchey ( he wasn't a blogger and I am not naming names here). OR The Reading at the Eiffel Society ( not so much the reading as what went down in the bathroom and no I can't name names or give details for like 7 years or some shit).

So there, that's how it went and I came home and I didn't get anything pierced or inked and there's nothing new on MY record, and my husband and kid used every dish we have and my dalmatian was left outside overnight and got attacked by a chupacabra and now he is all red, white and black, so they immediatly did the entire buzz kill from my awesome 3 day New Orleans trip like being drunk off your ass and getting the most awesome thrown against the wall lay of your life in high school and then walking in to your moms church group at the kitchen table while you have your panties in your purse and your Grandad walks up to hug you. Yeah. BUZZ-KILL.....

XO

PEACH OUT

*Disclaimer- He totally could have gotten his own ass out of jail and didn't need a bondsman, it's called an OR, but Mr. Drunkfuck was too drunkied Drunkfestified Drunkfucked to even know how to sign his own fucking name on the OR bond ( Own Recognizance) . Don't ever fucking try to go shot for shot against me douche face.

I'm in the Quarter getting drunk.

2011-04-15T06:55:00.000-07:00

Since I am in NOLA getting drunk right now. ( wearing smoking hawt bling from my Cobra Sistah Reckmonster and hanging out with some awesome peeps) I thought I should give you a shout out to the natives of the great state.

A good ole Louisiana boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 5 0 miles of here." He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing."

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Louisiana a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your butt!"

OH yeah you have to love dis.....

Take it easy and love the weekend.

PEACH OUT

Elevated

2011-04-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

You can always gauge my day by what I am drinking.

I went from Orange juice.

to a Screw Driver

to Straight Vodka.

then I shut the door to the fridge.

Damn I hate mornings.

PEACH OUT

Let them Eat Shit!

2011-04-13T05:21:00.000-07:00

Yes Miss Hopkins please take this article and make several copies send it out to everyone in the United States marked Urgent and then make sure it gets placed in the ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME file. Right next to the dumb bitch who went on the national news saying she needed to file a law suit against McDonalds for selling a product in the Free Market America. Thank you. I will be inside a bottle of Vodka rocking back and forth in disbelief this is happening in my country.

Click to See Full Size - Article from Chicago Tribune

I could write a rant of epic proportions on the level of fucking insanity that this country is turning into. I could spew from my mouth about the level of utter moron-ism that it takes for a mega twit to stand on the damn news and think it's ok to say shit like " I can't tell my 7 year old she can't eat a happy meal and that's why she is fat and it's because of the toy so you shouldn't sell toys"
Because GOD/Budda/Alla/ Zeus knows it's that Damn Red headed Clowns fault you're a shit for brains no spine sorry excuse for a parent to a spoiled little fucking brat and so we need to shut down free commerce so your little princess of pork doesn't want a happy meal. It's not enough they offer apple slices, milk and salads, NO. It's not enough you could just drive a route that doesn't send her into a freaking ravenous rage for a fucking $1.00 toy in exchange for a greasy bag by seeing those golden arches. NO. But most definitely we could never expect you to actually parent YOUR own damn child. That would clearly be asking too much, so lets have the fucking Government waste some more money tying up our courts with your stupid case, then do some testing, research, write up some legislature and spend about 5 billion bucks because you have the FUCKING AUDACITY TO GO ON THE NEWS AND SAY YOU ARE A SHIT FOR FUCKING BRAINS HORRIBLE FUCKING PARENT WHO CAN NOT PARENT. The best part, the news pampered your baby ass like you were such a victim. I wanted to vomit and then mail it to you. I can't wait until she's 12 and wants to have sex in her bedroom. Hope you learn to say no in the next 5 years or are you thinking the Government is going to handle that one too? OH wait let me guess planned parenthood? Welfare? OH yeah guess I will pick up that tab too you lovely piece of work. Hold up. Drugs are running rampit what if she wants to try booze and crack around 14? I mean seriously, that's way more freaking addictive than a little mermaid doll. Shit. I certainly hope they come up with a solution for that soon. You are seriously screwed. Oh no your not. I am, because that's right, YOU REFUSE TO PARENT AND ADMIT IT. Thanks, and a Big Thanks to the news, which is no longer the news, it's actually just a twisted version of whatever cause needs to be pushed by whoever owns whatever they want pushed.

Now on to the wonderful article above in the Chicago Times-
YOU MUST EAT THE SCHOOL LUNCH. Unless you have a medical issue with a Doctors note you may not bring a lunch from home. This means that the shit slop overpriced alpo that all the kids in America get mere seconds to chug down their digestive systems is now the ONLY option. Remember the Soup Natzi? Yeah this Principal is the freaking lunch Natzi? Holy Shit, that boat will not float. That's right folks ! Sexy huh? If you ever dared to say hospital food is bad, I beg you to sit through a weeks worth of school food, and do it on the students schedule. It's awesome. Watch the Chow Hall scene from GI Jane. It sums it up pretty good. First in many areas a large portion of the children are on free or reduced lunches. The remainder of the kids are being overcharged for what is the nutritional equivalent to dog shit with a crushed prenatal vitamin on top. It has all the flavor of Kim Chi that has been left in the trunk of a car in the deep south with melted ice cream for a week. Simply put. I wouldn't eat that shit if you paid MY ASS in Pirate Gold. So I pack my kids lunch. He gets fruit, a sandwich, milk, cheese, pudding, whatever. Also they get 30 minutes. Wow. Lucky kids huh? No not really. That's 30 minutes from the time they leave their class and have to get back, in that time they cross campus, wait in line, have shit slopped on a ( often dirty) tray, get over charged, find a seat where they wont get the crap beat out of them by a bully, sit down, by now 17-20 minutes have passed. They have less than 6 minutes to actually eat and drink their " food like substance" because they need to cross campus and get back to class. Don't forget if you intend on washing your hands or using the restroom you better be damn sure you are at the front of the line. Oh and if you think I am talking 9th grade and up. NEGATIVE. It's been this way since 1st grade. Not just my school system. Today I heard 10 callers on the radio from 4 states all with the same sceneries. Shocking ! So here a principal has no decided that CHILDREN CAN ONLY PURCHASE FOOD FROM HER SCHOOL. The CAN NOT BRING HOME MADE LUNCHES. This means if you don't qualify for free or reduced lunches but you don't have the funds you can't pack your kid a lunch. It also means if your kid doesn't like sloppy joes and meat loaf, and hamburgers, TOUGH SHIT. That's right, my kid who doesn't eat hamburger, or as in the case of school lunches, ground up cock roaches, at least 3 days a week he would go without eating from 610am until 325pm to me I find that completely UNHEALTHY and a FORM OF CHILD ABUSE. If my child lived in that district, or if they were to dare and enact that law here. You could bet your sweet ass I would end up on the news and chances are they would not be speaking favorably of me like the did the dumb bitch suing McDonalds.

Just saying. If we don't collectively as a country say enough of this bullshit we wont be taking anymore, then we will indeed wake up one day with no more rights, how much will we hand over before it is all gone. We were once the land of the free and the home of the brave. Now we are the land of the
_______________________ and the home of the ______________________________

You fill in the blanks.

XO

PEACH OUT

I put bling on my boomslang

2011-04-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

You can touch me here, you can touch me there, you can touch me, bitch did you just take my wallet? I am going to jack your ass up. No I mean it. I may be drunk but I will dot your fucking eye.

I am getting ready to head to Nawlins ( that's New Orleans for you Yanks) for this Party ( that's conference for you real writers) this weekend.

Anyway my KBC Cobra Sister The ReckMonster !!!! ( mandatory WOOT!) sent me this Killaa bling to wear. Most bitchin part. She made it. The only things I can make are drinks, a mess and babies, which coincidentally I can make all at the same time. ( mandatory WOOT!)

So I had to go over to Metairie this weekend ( that's next door to Nawlins) so I did a test drive on some of bling from CobraSister ReckMonster it looked like this.

So if yall are coming to Nawlins for the party hope to see you there. Look me up I will be under an assumed name so the stalkers ( cops) can't find me.

XO

PEACH OUT

I got some action yesterday

2011-04-07T05:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was sitting there reading this magazine article minding my own business and this hot guy walks in and sits down, we were alone in a tiny room.

He was hot.

I could tell he liked me, he barely made eye contact with me, but he struck up this intimate conversation, he wanted to know everything about me, and had a witty way about him, before you knew it I had put down my magazine. I spilled my guts and the conversation got very personal very quick.

Don't get me wrong I am happily married to the Droid and I don't go running around hap hazzardly flinging myself on men, it's hard to contain this level of hotness on a daily basis but I do my best. This guy was just so damn smooth.

Next thing I knew there he was looking me dead in the eyes, holding my hand, inches from my face. Can you say "awkward?"

It didn't go any further than that. However I did give him my name and phone number, I also agreed to see him again in a couple weeks.

The only thing that pisses me off about the entire thing was the co-pay. I mean that just cheapens the relationship don't you think? I couldn't figure out if I should call the girl who took my check his receptionist or a pimp? I told Droid about it and he said next time I should go ahead and make him strip for me, so I get my money's worth.

This is totally why our marriage works.

PEACH OUT

porn stars, the strip, family reunions and more

2011-04-05T09:38:00.000-07:00

It's just one more reason I won't ever get that Mom of the year award. Spring Break 2011.

Started out really innocent. My 21 year old daughter and her College roommate R headed down and scooped up me and The Prince and we headed over to LA ( that's totally Lower Alabama) to the Family reunion.

All the fun you can stand right? Well it ended up with us partying in Panama City Beach Florida on Spring Break and this was the theme Song that blared from every hotel room and car stereo.

here are some words that stick out from the week

Krispy Kreme, beer bong, rattlesnake round up, mullet toss, shuttle craft, docking, stripper pole, ladies, passport, tongue, drunks, panties, crabs, merman, watersnake, guitars, porn stars, swamp crotch, smack smack smack, ” I EAT WOOD!” , Sydney and talent.

All of these words came from the people in my group. Oh yes. Oh yes.

So there we have it. His Birthday is the 23rd of this month, consider it an early present?
My kid just had his first Florida Spring Break With College Chicks.
( I swear his voice dropped)

Congrats little Dude.

XO

PEACH OUT

The fur was a flying I tell ya!

2011-03-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

Ok I know I have been all kinds of missing but people I have some great shit to tell you.

You see it's Spring break down here in the south and that means GOOD TIMES, and when I say GOOD TIMES I mean FREAKING HILARIOUS RED NECK DEBAUCHERY.

Ok I have another post to show you of shit I saw in a 5 mile radius when I had my camera out that will just blow your mind but this one I have to just write down before I forget things ok? good glad you agree.

It's spring break, so I have my extra kid, who is really my great nephew but he lives close down the road, him and the prince are best buds, only a year apart and so during the school year we only have him on weekends but it's spring break YO so he's here for the 4th grade debauchery that is farts, yohoos and all the xbox they can wrangle up.

I have to go and run some business errands ~~so I totally bribe them with junk food and toys~~ they are such well behaved young men and accompany me helping me with the business. Then in the midst of everything 2 cities from where I live I realize one of them blows out a shoe, the other pops a button off their shorts and I need a mailing label and sharpie because I wrote the competitors contact name under the other competitors business companies name and they are both my customers and OMFG the world would surely end and I would indeed lose both my customers. Then the world would end, since both of those customers are fairly large corps and some of the few NON Gulf Coast Customers. It is important to have NON Gulf Coast Customers. Ask me why. ( from the crowd) WHY? ( thank you) Well because hurricanes, and oil spills make people unable to pay their freaking bills every couple of years and if you really like things like food and electricity you can't just be a local company. ( from the crowd, wow you sounded a bit angry maybe you should get some therapy) Shut the fuck up NOW I have a story here !

So I have this epiphany, ( check my big word yo!) but it's a sad one, like when you are around 7 and realize that your gold fish isn't fucking sleeping? that kind of sad, but throw in that OMFHMOG ( that's a HOLY MOTHER OF) panic feeling in there from the first time you stopped on the train tracks in traffic with a car in front of you and an super douche on your bumper and then heard a train whistle. That kind of sad/panic epiphany when I realized that here in podunkville south deliverance land the only solution would be
( que the evil music here)

dun dun dun

DEVIL MART !

Yes I hate the place I refuse to shop there, it's a guaranteed way to get every single one of your 5 senses offended then it will offend senses you didn't even know you had, especially if you live in the south, and if you go to the particular one in the city were we happened to be it's a double win with a chance of seeing a drug deal/fist fight/man in drag/500lb man/woman in a pair of shorty jorts.

So we go in on a mission, snag stuff, no lolly gaggin grab it in out hit check out 11, touch nothing, no eye contact, as we are checking out it goes down.

Me and the boys are at check out 11.

When all hell breaks loose. Apparently the quite well fed Jack Ass Ho in a grungy bikini top and jorts at aisle 13 becomes every level of unhinged on the half shirt, landing strip and sun visor wearing Redneck Douche pimp Wanna Be at aisle 12.

She could have skipped a couple piercings and visited a dentist? Hopefully she bought a clean and larger/longer shirt while she was at the store.

I also hope he purchased a larger longer shirt, and a razor. Possibly a brain.

They were so loud and over shouting each other that I couldn't make out a damn thing they were saying, which was sad actually. Because if your going to make a huge ass of yourself in public at least put on a good show and let people decide who the clear victor is right? As the one 4'11" 80lb unarmed security gaurd approached looking more like a sacrificial lamb than anything else, I suggested to check out lady #11 some one might consider calling el- 911. She said, " that's not my job". Gosh I love the American work attitude.

I was able to make out the Redneck Ho Jack ass Scream, " YOU NEED TO QUIT SELLING DRUGS ASSHOLE !!!"

To which the Redneck Pimp retorted , " Then where would you get your get your free shit for just sucking a dick?"

to which he ended the argument with this.

Except it was him, and it was a couple $1 bills and some change, but I totally got what he meant.

PEACH OUT

Things I've learned along the way

2011-03-23T01:16:00.000-07:00

There are a few life lessons to take into consideration. I will attempt to cover a few areas for you. You Are welcome..

Career Hint: If you are working through accounting technical problems with Coca-Cola Inc, and you need to call them about it in the morning, do not write 'DEAL WITH COKE PROBLEM" on your Outlook calendar. It comes across badly to co-workers.

Marriage Hint: When your wife informs you that her period has begun, saying "Kinda figured" won't add to marital harmony.

Educational Hint: When writing a paper for history, make sure you know who it’s supposed to be about. That A+ 3 page paper on Ben Franklin will get you an F if you were supposed to write about Thomas Jefferson.

Parenting Hint: If your son trips into the bowling lane you are playing in, do not run out to rescue him as fast as you can. The lanes are waxed.

Legal Fun Hint: Wear a red polo and kahkis to Target, when customers ( or other employees) talk to you speak back in pig latin or just move your lips without making noise. I checked, it's not illegal.

Go ahead guys, enjoy the ride, it's too short not to.

xoxo

PEACH OUT

Oh Dear Mr Wizard behind the Curtain can you help us?

2011-03-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

Now those are kick ass Ruby slippers YO!

Update- Just 1.5 miles from the Wizards office I received a phone call that my appointment had been cancelled. Which is cool I guess, and by cool I mean, hell yeah who the hell really wants to go through that shit, but sucks because just last week when I went to another Dr's appointment I got to his office like 5 minutes before my appointment. I waited in line to be checked in, the girl had to take a phone call which entailed her sending a fax ( yes they still use a fax machine) and then pulling a chart and then she finally called me up to check me in. When she was done checking me in I was 5-8 minutes late for my appointment, she called the Dr in the back office and they billed me as a no show and I had to be rescheduled to punish me for not being "early enough".

The Point is, it's a double standard. Would you take this shit from a car salesman? How about your CPA? No you wouldn't. It's not really health care. It's health industry and I can give you a solid guarantee on a satin pillow that not one of those fucktards give a flying fuck if I live or die or about my quality of life. They simply care about billable hours, and and how fast the numbers come through. Period. They have student loans to pay, enormous malpractice insurance and boy do they need that shit. Why if the fucking nutsucking cat shit for brains weren't located on a military base I would have 13 law suits against them in the past month alone. Check it, I am not even exaggerating for a change.

They are brilliant. And by brilliant I mean just as fucking awesome as the feeling you get when you drank way way way too much hard liquor and the next day you can't get off the toilet and your sure your asshole is on fire and your releasing your vital organs straight out your anus.

So thank you non health care.

Oh on the upside, I don't have a prostrate, ( sorry to the people that do). I am sure the military will get confused and try to electrocute that also.

PEACH OUT

Plug me in bitch

2011-03-21T07:20:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when.

Some one cuts you off in traffic

A teacher calls you old

A kid bullies your kid

Your spouse is a douche

Your friend is an asshole

Your sibling is a piece of shit

Your doctor says they are going to hook wires to your body an run a bunch of electricity through your body to find out if your nerves are working right by shocking the living fuck out of you because they aren't but they don't know how bad it is and even though they can't fucking fix it they have figured out how to measure just how fucked up you are and this will cause you " a measurable amount of discomfort" but " they can not give you anything to help reduce the discomfort or it will skew the test" .

Oh yeah I fucking hate it when that happens.

Fuck you doctors, and fuck you Monday.

I'm selling parts of my husband on ebay

2011-03-16T05:42:00.000-07:00

I have never listed anything on ebay. But then the other day my " taking shit" meter got full.

Instead of breaking shit that I would have to replace in this economy I decided to just start selling parts of him he doesn't really use, because well really it's not like we need them right?

At first I listed it with a starting bid of $200 and a sell now of $1500, that way no ding a ling would actually buy it forcing me to paint some damn processing chip and use the postal service and all that shit.

Then I realized I was missing an opportunity. DUH.

So I dropped the price, and donated a portion of the proceeds to the disaster in Japan. So I actually hope this baby freaking moves.

I shit you not it has not been janked by ebay yet.

So since Ebay has not caught on I am selling my husbands none used body parts I am thinking of starting to sell more, you know in the name of charity. Let's see where this goes. Also don't forget I wear pj's to the post office and write shit like

" Zombie Apocalypse plan enclosed"

on everything I am forced to mail. I did find out if you write, "this totally does not contain human organs" your package will not be delivered, apparently the post office is a bit more " stringent than ebay" uptight mother truckers.

HERE'S THE ACTUAL AD ON EBAY !

So go bid freely, you never know what will extra little bonus of PeachPit glory will be included as memorabilia. Also you will be literally forcing me to go to the Post Office in my PJ''s since I am holding tight to my 2011 PJ pledge.

PEACH OUT

Zombie Jesus and Easter Egg Grenades

2011-03-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

Consider yourself warned or Why Jesus is a Zombie

It is a well known fact that if you die and come back to life you are

a) a vampire

b) a werewolf

c) a zombie

since there are no reports of Jesus being super extra hairy or having a thing for blood then we can assume he is indeed a zombie.

This is further proved by the Catholics ( codename for zombies in waiting) who will all become zombies at the time of the rapture (codename for Apocalypse) because they consume the blood and body of Christ ( codename for Zombie Jesus) during Mass ( codename for Zombie meetings) at communion ( codename for eating zombie flesh eating meetings).

It's lent right now. ( codename for Catholics have to give something up because they thought Jesus was dead and didn't know he was a zombie yet.)

Soon, we will all hunt brightly colored easter eggs which a big bunny will hide to celebrate the day zombie Jesus woke up. Because it all makes perfectly good sense.

What you don't understand about this?

Even the super religious say that Jesus will come back and do battle with the Anti Christ.

What they forget to tell you is that "The Anti Christ" will be the leader of the Anti Zombie Coalition.

I am pretty sure there will be brightly colored easter egg grenades involved in this.

I have already said to much, consider yourselves warned.

PEACH OUT

*disclaimer- I don't hate Catholics, or Jesus, anymore than I hate Hercules or Joesph Smith, unless they are zombies, this is a joke, probably.

debauchery it's here. you asked for it.

2011-03-10T06:59:00.000-08:00

Mardi Gras tried to kill me. I survived, powered by your tweets. I survived for you. Because you sent me on missions with your picture requests from Mardi Gras so it was like you were there, but without the insanity, smell of stale beer and urine, and the mandatory hang over. Basically I took a hit for you and now you owe me.

But face it you are here to see if I was able to get all the different pictures everyone requested.
I had so many photos I had to split it between both blogs. So make sure to go and look here for more at BeingPeachy

I think this one covers almost every weird thing you guys asked for.

Drum roll for the boobs as per requests-

What is Mardi Gras without some drunks, and hitting on a cop?

My youtube channel is slammed at BeingPeachy but here are some drinking party videos.

and as per your request for the impossible, the Johnny Depp, Alexander Skarsgard, Matthew, Harry, and Me shot to which I could not leave out my boyfriend Brendan.

l-r- Brendan, Harry, Peachy, Matthew, Johnny, Alexander

I had so many photos I had to split it between both blogs. So make sure to go and look here for more at BeingPeachy

XO

PEACH OUT