Sunday, October 21, 2018

Don't make me slap your nostrils off

So the past couple of days I have to spend in and out of the care of people who learned what little medical knowledge the posses from Dr Kevorkian.   I am going to give you the cliff notes on this because honestly why bore with  long drawn out details that will leave you so dumbfounded and amazed you will feel like you are being offered the opportunity to see a sideshow freak for only a nickel if you step inside this big tent.

I don't have a Dr. I have  a Physicians Assistant. PA. Because the Neurologist said I was beyond his scope of care.  Obviously that means I am within the scope of care of a Physicians assistant. PA Well then my Physicians Assistant (PA)  got a promotion about 3 weeks ago so I got handed down to the assistant to the Physicians assistant so I guess that would be the APA.   So this APA has a sign in the little room I am in that says,  "due to time constraints you are only allowed to discuss 1 issue per visit."   Wow really?   It takes 6-9 weeks to get an appointment and you can't go in and say,  I have a suspicious freckle and my eyeball itches?  That's just too much for one appointment for this APA?    I could tell this was going to be bad since my 2 conditions Brain/Spine cause a laundry list of symptoms we are trying to manage through medications since my insurance feels it's silly to send me all the way to see one of the 12 doctors in the country that actually understand my condition and I wont let just anyone with a scalpel and a Cracker Jack degree dig in my brain.
So Mr Important APA  see's me trying to wrap his head around my issue and adds a new med to my lovely list of meds that consist of nothing that carries a street value of over a Flintstones vitamin so no need to rob me. He then tells me to come back Sept 1 for follow up.

They call on Aug 26 to tell me to come in Aug 30 instead.  So I do. Guess what. I am now in the care of a Nurse.  Yep.  Guess what else.  Again no clue as to what my condition is, how the medicines work nothing.
So besides the fact that I am pretty sure she hugged a few trees in the 70's she had no clue how to do diddly shit. and She screwed every single RX I have up beyond all recognition.

Then I go in today. For fasting Lab work.  Starving to death.  The 18 year old girl with my ID in her hand looks at me and says Miss PERD?  I looked at her and shook my head no.  She said yeah you Miss Perd. I said no its Mrs. Kirk, just like the ID in front of you says clearly?  OH My bad

Saturday, October 21, 2017


You have broken my heart,
you have cut me to the bone, 
you have stabbed me in the back
you have endangered my children 
you have stolen from me 
you have threatened to kill me and it seems every time we talk you spew out nothing but lies.

I failed you.  As the person who brought you into this world it was my convoluted job to make you appropriate for society. 

 If you had been an only child would it have been different?  Would I have given you more leeway so as not to sacrifice your siblings humiliation, safety and discontent.

We moved for you, it was the area, the neighborhood, the school, the doctors,  I did everything and gave all in hopes it wasn't really you.

Doctors, therapist, counselors, hospitals, things a mother should never have to say about their child were said.

In the end, I failed you.  

For many years I was a mighty warrior set out to ensure your health and happiness, but you broke my spirit and I gave up.  I want to let you in, but the price is so high and I am emotionally bankrupt.

You deserved a stronger mother, one who could stay the fight, one who could be more understanding, one who could battle for more than 19 years.  I am so sorry you ended up with me, who tried to make you fit in a cookie cutter mold when I still have no clue what kind of mom could have helped you. It wasn't me battling up hill to mend my broken life while trying to simultaneously protect yours.  The spiraling all consuming sucking down of the soul constantly being kicked and punched was beyond me.  

I'm sorry I am so broken and weak that I can't afford to be hurt again.  Everyone in your world has disconnected over the years for the simple and often subconscious act of self preservation.  But in everyone's life there should be at least 1 constant.  One thing you know will always be there and you don't even have that.

I hurt you
I insulted you
I embarrassed you
I punished you
I hospitalized you
I let you down
I lied to you
I threatened you
I had you arrested
I closed my door to you
I laughed at you
I walked away....

I didn't ever deserve you,  and you certainly didn't deserve me. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2016


I am fixing to slap somebody y'all.

As your reading this I am probably sitting in Oz, seeing another wizard.

If you know me you know this means I am on yet another medical adventure.

Since my issue is not "common" and I live where good Doctors play golf not Practice medicine, I am shuffled about  and get the joy of paying to explain my condition, the symptoms, related problems, affects and treatments for my condition to these fantastical wizards.  

Inevitably it always goes one of 2 ways.  

 THE FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE !  They nod and act as if they have a clue but can't even pronounce it then leave the room and come back with questions and a bunch of crap they printed off the internet because I can see the url and they are not pronouncing the words correctly.   

Reaction 2-
THE WTF? FACE ! - These are the ones who you can visibly watch the blood drain from their faces as you calmly and with a splash of humor explain what's up.  They then ask you what the treatment is and what they should do.

I actually had a Dr google it in front of us one time.  AWESOME.