Saturday, October 21, 2017

anymore

You have broken my heart,
you have cut me to the bone, 
you have stabbed me in the back
you have endangered my children 
you have stolen from me 
you have threatened to kill me and it seems every time we talk you spew out nothing but lies.

I failed you.  As the person who brought you into this world it was my convoluted job to make you appropriate for society. 

 If you had been an only child would it have been different?  Would I have given you more leeway so as not to sacrifice your siblings humiliation, safety and discontent.

We moved for you, it was the area, the neighborhood, the school, the doctors,  I did everything and gave all in hopes it wasn't really you.

Doctors, therapist, counselors, hospitals, things a mother should never have to say about their child were said.

In the end, I failed you.  

For many years I was a mighty warrior set out to ensure your health and happiness, but you broke my spirit and I gave up.  I want to let you in, but the price is so high and I am emotionally bankrupt.

You deserved a stronger mother, one who could stay the fight, one who could be more understanding, one who could battle for more than 19 years.  I am so sorry you ended up with me, who tried to make you fit in a cookie cutter mold when I still have no clue what kind of mom could have helped you. It wasn't me battling up hill to mend my broken life while trying to simultaneously protect yours.  The spiraling all consuming sucking down of the soul constantly being kicked and punched was beyond me.  

I'm sorry I am so broken and weak that I can't afford to be hurt again.  Everyone in your world has disconnected over the years for the simple and often subconscious act of self preservation.  But in everyone's life there should be at least 1 constant.  One thing you know will always be there and you don't even have that.

I hurt you
I insulted you
I embarrassed you
I punished you
I hospitalized you
I let you down
I lied to you
I threatened you
I had you arrested
I closed my door to you
I laughed at you
I walked away....


I didn't ever deserve you,  and you certainly didn't deserve me. 





Wednesday, September 14, 2016

THE WIZARD

I am fixing to slap somebody y'all.

As your reading this I am probably sitting in Oz, seeing another wizard.

If you know me you know this means I am on yet another medical adventure.

Since my issue is not "common" and I live where good Doctors play golf not Practice medicine, I am shuffled about  and get the joy of paying to explain my condition, the symptoms, related problems, affects and treatments for my condition to these fantastical wizards.  

Inevitably it always goes one of 2 ways.  

Reaction1-
 THE FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE !  They nod and act as if they have a clue but can't even pronounce it then leave the room and come back with questions and a bunch of crap they printed off the internet because I can see the url and they are not pronouncing the words correctly.   

Reaction 2-
THE WTF? FACE ! - These are the ones who you can visibly watch the blood drain from their faces as you calmly and with a splash of humor explain what's up.  They then ask you what the treatment is and what they should do.


I actually had a Dr google it in front of us one time.  AWESOME.





Saturday, November 28, 2015

Teeth + South = stereotype

In case you didn't know. I live in the south.  It's really hard to get any further south than where I live.  Other than Florida but it doesn't count as the south because even though it's geographically lower than where I live, it is actually socially north or here.

So 20 years ago I despised kids/parents  who acted out of control because clearly I was awesome at parenting. To teach me a lesson Karma gave me my oldest son and I realized I am a powerless idiot.

18 years ago I went to the gym 5 days a week, walked every night and associated fat with lazy
To teach me a lesson Karma gave me a medical issue that pumps me full of steroids so I am constantly have to hire handlers like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade balloon.  Seriously between the steroids and the sudden total lack of physical activity combined with the comfort food instead of Xanax  I am pretty sure I will be hiring a handyman to install double doors in my house


15 years ago I was so happy to have my very first NEW car.  Because I always drove serious POS.
To teach me a lesson Karma has arranged for that new car to still be my car with no chance of upgrade and a timing belt that has slipped.

10 years ago the business my husband and I started to get major contracts with our company thus providing us with a monthly salary that was hire than my younger years annual salary.
To teach me a lesson, Hurricane Katrina wiped out most of our clients and then the BP Oil Spill finished them off.  So we are back to working for others and paycheck to paycheck.

5 years ago I was astounded at the absolute lack of straight, white teeth around the area.  I was like, "seriously?  hello?  toothbrush/dentist/flouride".
To teach me a lesson Karma let M&M's with pretzels knock out my tooth


This past Friday night.  One of my Blog Buddies came to town and I invited them to stay here.
and my tooth flew out of my head while we were talking and she actually had her 7 year old daughter help me by crawling around on the white tile floors to look for my white tooth.  


Oh yeah it's official.  My IQ has dropped,  ass widened, and toofless.  I am officially from the south now.