Monday, December 26, 2011

Don't bring a knife to a gun fight.

Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, ... ...
Love, Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy, Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with. 
Merry Christmas, Santa Claus

Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones

Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister-Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

 Very Truly Yours, S Claus

Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT..EVER..I..WANT, MAN! 


Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them to you right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mudhole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. 

S Clizzy

Dear Santa, bring me anything you want it will be greatly appreciated,

That's what I thought you little bastard. 

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Churches and Squirrels

There were four country churches in a small Texas town;

The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church,
& The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church & Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided
to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were
twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the
squirrels were back.

But - The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.They baptized the squirrels and
 registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas & Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him
called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.