Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The fur was a flying I tell ya!

Ok I know I have been all kinds of missing but people I have some great shit to tell you.

You see it's Spring break down here in the south and that means GOOD TIMES, and when I say GOOD TIMES I mean FREAKING HILARIOUS RED NECK DEBAUCHERY.

Ok I have another post to show you of shit I saw in a 5 mile radius when I had my camera out that will just blow your mind but this one I have to just write down before I forget things ok? good glad you agree.

It's spring break, so I have my extra kid, who is really my great nephew but he lives close down the road, him and the prince are best buds, only a year apart and so during the school year we only have him on weekends but it's spring break YO so he's here for the 4th grade debauchery that is farts, yohoos and all the xbox they can wrangle up.

I have to go and run some business errands so I totally bribe them with junk food and toys they are such well behaved young men and accompany me helping me with the business. Then in the midst of everything 2 cities from where I live  I realize one of them blows out a shoe, the other pops a button off their shorts and I need a mailing label and  sharpie because I wrote the competitors contact name under the other competitors business companies name and they are both my customers and OMFG the world would surely end and I would indeed lose both my customers. Then the world would end, since both of those customers are fairly large corps and some of the few NON Gulf Coast Customers.  It is important to have NON Gulf Coast Customers.  Ask me why.  ( from the crowd)  WHY?  ( thank you)  Well because hurricanes, and oil spills make people unable to pay their freaking bills every couple of years and if you really like things like food and electricity you can't just be a local company.  ( from the crowd,  wow you sounded a bit angry maybe you should get some therapy)  Shut the fuck up NOW I have a story here !

So I have this epiphany,  ( check my big word yo!)  but it's a sad one,  like when you are around 7 and realize that your gold fish isn't fucking sleeping?  that kind of sad,  but throw in that OMFHMOG  ( that's a HOLY MOTHER OF)  panic feeling in there from the first time you stopped on the train tracks in traffic with a car in front of you and an super douche on your bumper and then heard a train whistle.   That kind of sad/panic epiphany when I realized that here in podunkville south deliverance land the only solution would be
( que the evil music here)

dun dun dun

Yes I hate the place I refuse to shop there, it's a guaranteed  way to get every single one of your 5 senses offended then it will offend senses you didn't even know you had, especially if you live in the south, and if you go to the particular one in the city were we happened to be it's a double win with a chance of seeing a drug deal/fist fight/man in drag/500lb man/woman in a pair of shorty jorts.  

So we go in on a mission, snag stuff, no lolly gaggin grab it in out hit check out 11, touch nothing, no eye contact,  as we are checking out it goes down.   
Me and the boys are at check out 11.

When all hell breaks loose.  Apparently the  quite well fed Jack Ass Ho in a grungy bikini top and jorts at aisle 13 becomes every level of unhinged on the half shirt, landing strip and sun visor wearing Redneck Douche pimp Wanna Be at aisle 12.
She could have skipped a couple piercings and visited a dentist?   Hopefully she bought a clean and larger/longer shirt while she was at the store.
I also hope he purchased a larger longer shirt,  and a razor.  Possibly a brain.

They were so loud and over shouting each other that I couldn't make out a damn thing they were saying, which was sad actually. Because if your going to make a huge ass of yourself in public at least put on a good show and let people decide who the clear victor is right?    As the one 4'11"  80lb unarmed security gaurd approached looking more like a sacrificial lamb than anything else, I suggested to check out lady #11 some one might consider calling  el- 911.  She said, " that's not my job".  Gosh I love the American work attitude.   
I was able to make out the Redneck Ho Jack ass Scream,  " YOU NEED TO QUIT SELLING DRUGS ASSHOLE !!!"
To which the Redneck Pimp retorted , " Then where would you get your get your free shit for just sucking a dick?"

to which he ended the argument with this.

Except it was him, and it was a couple $1 bills and some change, but I totally got what he meant.


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Things I've learned along the way

There are a few life lessons to take into consideration. I will attempt to cover a few areas for you.  You Are welcome..

Career Hint: If you are working through accounting technical problems with Coca-Cola Inc, and you need to call them about it in the morning, do not write 'DEAL WITH COKE PROBLEM" on your Outlook calendar. It comes across badly to co-workers.

Marriage Hint: When your wife informs you that her period has begun, saying "Kinda figured" won't add to marital harmony. 

Educational Hint: When writing a paper for history, make sure you know who it’s supposed to be about. That A+ 3 page paper on Ben Franklin will get you an F if you were supposed to write about Thomas Jefferson.

Parenting Hint: If your son trips into the bowling lane you are playing in, do not run out to rescue him as fast as you can. The lanes are waxed.

Legal Fun Hint:  Wear a red polo and kahkis to Target, when customers ( or other employees)  talk to you speak  back in pig latin or just move your lips without making noise.  I checked, it's not illegal.

Go ahead guys, enjoy the ride, it's too short not to.


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Oh Dear Mr Wizard behind the Curtain can you help us?

Now those are kick ass Ruby slippers YO!

Update-  Just 1.5 miles from the Wizards office I received a phone call that my appointment had been cancelled.   Which is cool I guess, and by cool I mean, hell yeah who the hell really wants to go through that shit, but sucks because just last week  when I went to another Dr's appointment I got to his office like 5 minutes before my appointment.  I waited in line to be checked in, the girl had to take a phone call which entailed her sending a fax ( yes they still use a fax machine) and then pulling a chart and then she finally called me up to check me in. When she was done checking me in I was 5-8 minutes late for my appointment, she called the Dr in the back office and they billed me as a no show and I had to be rescheduled  to punish me for not being "early enough".

The Point is, it's a double standard.  Would you take this shit from a car salesman?   How about your CPA?  No you wouldn't.  It's not really health care.  It's health industry and I can give you a solid guarantee on a satin  pillow that not one of those fucktards give a flying fuck if I live or die or about my quality of life. They simply care about billable hours, and and how fast the numbers come through.  Period.  They have student loans to pay, enormous malpractice insurance and boy do they need that shit.  Why if the fucking  nutsucking cat shit for brains weren't located on a military base I would have 13 law suits against them in the past month alone.  Check it, I am not even exaggerating for a change.  

They are brilliant.   And by brilliant I mean  just as fucking awesome as the feeling you get when you drank way way way too much hard liquor and the next day you can't get off the toilet and your sure your asshole is on fire and your releasing your vital organs straight out your anus.

So thank you non health care.

Oh on the upside, I don't have  a  prostrate,  ( sorry to the people that do).  I am sure the military will get confused and try to electrocute that also.



Monday, March 21, 2011

Plug me in bitch

Don't you hate it when.

Some one cuts you off in traffic

A teacher calls you old

A kid bullies your kid

Your spouse is a douche

Your friend is an asshole

Your sibling is a piece of shit

Your doctor says they are going to hook wires to your body an run a bunch of electricity through your body to find out if your nerves are working right by shocking the living fuck out of you because they aren't but they don't know how bad it is and even though they can't fucking fix it they have figured out how to measure just how fucked up you are and this will cause you " a measurable amount of discomfort"  but " they can not give you anything to help reduce the discomfort or it will skew the test" .

Oh yeah I fucking hate it when that happens.

Fuck you doctors, and fuck you Monday.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I'm selling parts of my husband on ebay

I have never listed anything on ebay.  But then the other day my " taking shit" meter got full.

Instead of breaking shit that I would have to replace in this economy I decided to just start selling parts of him he doesn't really use, because well really it's not like we need them right?

At first I listed it with a starting bid of $200 and a sell now of $1500, that way no ding a ling would actually buy it forcing me to paint some damn processing chip and use the postal service and all that shit.

Then I realized I was missing an opportunity.  DUH.

So I dropped the price, and donated a portion of the proceeds to the disaster in Japan.  So I actually hope this baby freaking moves.

I shit you not it has not been janked by ebay yet.

So since Ebay has not caught on I am selling my husbands none used body parts I am thinking of starting to sell more, you know in the name of charity.  Let's see where this goes.  Also don't forget I wear pj's to the post office and write shit like

" Zombie Apocalypse plan enclosed"

on everything I am forced to mail. I did find out if you write, "this totally does not contain human organs"  your package will not be delivered, apparently the post office is a bit more " stringent than ebay"  uptight mother truckers. 


So go bid freely,  you never know what will extra little bonus of PeachPit glory will be included as memorabilia.   Also you will be literally forcing me to go to the Post Office in my PJ''s since I am holding tight to my 2011 PJ pledge.  



Monday, March 14, 2011

Zombie Jesus and Easter Egg Grenades

Consider yourself warned  or Why Jesus is a Zombie

It is a well known fact that if you die and come back to life you are 
a)  a vampire
b) a werewolf
c) a zombie

since there are no reports of Jesus being super extra hairy or having a thing for blood then we can assume he is indeed a zombie.

This is further proved by the Catholics ( codename for zombies in waiting) who will all become zombies at the time of the rapture (codename for Apocalypse) because they consume the blood and body of Christ ( codename for Zombie Jesus)  during Mass ( codename for Zombie meetings)  at communion ( codename for  eating zombie flesh eating meetings).

It's lent right now.  ( codename for Catholics have to give something up because they thought Jesus was dead and didn't know he was a zombie yet.)

Soon,  we will all hunt brightly colored easter eggs which a big bunny will hide to celebrate the day zombie Jesus woke up.  Because it all makes perfectly good sense.

What you don't understand about this?  

Even the super religious say that Jesus will come back and do battle with the Anti Christ.

What they forget to tell you is that "The Anti Christ" will be the leader of the Anti Zombie Coalition. 

I am pretty sure there will be brightly colored easter egg grenades involved in this.

I have already said to much, consider yourselves warned.


*disclaimer- I don't hate Catholics, or Jesus, anymore than I hate Hercules or Joesph Smith, unless they are zombies, this is a joke, probably.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

debauchery it's here. you asked for it.

Mardi Gras tried to kill me.  I survived, powered by your tweets.  I survived for you.  Because you sent me on missions with your picture requests from Mardi Gras so it was like you were there, but without the insanity, smell of stale beer and urine, and the mandatory hang over.  Basically I took a hit for you and now you owe me.

But face it you are here to see if I was able to get all the different pictures everyone requested.
I had so many photos I had to split it between both blogs.  So make sure to go and look here for more at BeingPeachy

I think this one covers almost every weird thing you guys asked for.

Drum roll for the boobs as per requests-

What is Mardi Gras without some drunks, and hitting on a cop?

My  youtube channel is slammed at BeingPeachy but here are some drinking party videos.

and  as per your request for the impossible,  the Johnny Depp, Alexander Skarsgard, Matthew, Harry, and Me shot to which I could not leave out my boyfriend Brendan.
l-r- Brendan, Harry, Peachy, Matthew, Johnny, Alexander

I had so many photos I had to split it between both blogs.  So make sure to go and look here for more at BeingPeachy



Friday, March 4, 2011

Mardi Gras- throw me what?

In honor of me being all kinds of partying appointments at Mardi Gras,   at work until  Wednesday
I throw you this old guest post by my awesome non blogging daughter.

Because she took this pic ( sans hat)  on Bourbon Street in Nawlins.

Meet my Daughter Sam who totally wrote todays post since she is  FREAKING AWESOME !

Sam I am,
I am Sam,
I hate your fucking Green Eggs and Spam,
Give me biscuits and Strawberry Jam,
a Honey Glazed Ham,
an Oil Slicked Man

One or Two?
I'll have 3
I love excess, excessively,
and revelry 
and sodomy,

crap I don't know my brain must be shrinking
that or sinking,
I think it's a side effect of genetic linking,
that and probably too much drinking.

What? Go away! You want another?
If you're looking for spankings please talk to my mother.


this post brought to you from the scary yet brilliant mind of Sam I am.  AKA my 21 year old daughter in College with a major in psychology.   FLAME about dirty ATM's and Safe words. 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Get your God off my DNA

I had this super long bitchin post about a bunch of shit that would probably piss only me off.

Then I woke up for no good reason super early and saw it failed to automatic post  like it always freaking does for this stupid blogspot crap which is why I love having my own domain but I ended up wanting both so I could make an attempt to split up my multiple personalities so my head would quite down. ( if I sound like Charlie Sheen there, it's because he got some of his God DNA on my Cheesecake DNA)  {disclaimer- that was my 1 mandatory mention of him today. unless I see something spectacular}  So I trashed it like a bitching rock stair from Mars and now I have this.

The question is what aren't we going to do today..

Wait, I got Mardi Gras starting this weekend never mind.

If my cat disappears can someone give me a solid alibi?

Than you for funny cards from Spain.

I really would like a Pauls Pastry King Cake for Breakfast today.

Because she is such a total bitch

Come here little doggey look what Uncle Ed's got for you you little fucker.

Or 10 boxes of girl scout cookies.

Hair everywhere. Plus she is like a teenager, aloof and shit without paying rent.

Something d-ooooooooooo economics?

Did you know  in the States it was started in Alabama?  It involved cow bells.

How long do they live?

Central Park in Fall

But not the Coconut kind.  ( ick)