Monday, December 13, 2010

son of a mother fudgin monarch it's freaking Monday again

** WARNING I AM EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT IN THIS BLOG POST **
What the hell does the universe have against me? I know I did some pretty crazy shit back in the late 80's but, "hello universe you put Daytona Beach in my back yard so you need to take some responsibility for this crap".

Here it is a freaking Monday you KNOW I hate Mondays. ( if you don't go over to www.beingpeachy.com where I have a weekly feature called Moronic Monday. Over there today in fact I show you how much google loves my smexy beast ass.


Today is so special not just because it's a nut scraping, knuckle dragging, no good smactastic wench of a freaking day called Monday. On top of all that, please shoot me glory, I get to go and meet a new wizard today. That's right people, down the yellow brick road I go again on my own.
( see how I referenced a classic movie with a white snake song and it referred to New Orleans piss covered streets  all in one sentence without even planning it? I amaze even myself. Which is important because I am one of the very  few who reads this friggin blog)

Honestly after 6 years of Doctors I have so little faith each time I am sent to a new one that I just want to say, " can we do this over the phone, I don't want to see your phd face when you say, " WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU??? " .  Like the time the ER Dr actually friggin asked my husband to spell my diagnosis so he could google it in front of us in the ER ( I so didn't pay that bill) or even better when I literally have to introduce you to my diagnosis and explain the causes, affects and treatments while you sit all slack jawed like the haven't picked up a medical book in 20 years dipshit you surely are.

I stand by my famous quote that I live where Great Doctors play golf, not practice medicine.

The only way I will ever get a real Dr is if I were to run onto the golf course in the middle of a televised tournament with 'SAVE MY BRAIN' written on my tits. Now I would trip and stumble over those tube socks filled with cantelopes that used to be hot boobs.

I have an idea for a bumper sticker. - "  Steriods- it's like pulling a ripcord on a chicks parachute ass, second only to a wedding ring".

Can I say that I found out that PJ's give you plenty of leeway. As in you can gain or drop 15 pounds and your PJ's will love and accept you. But jeans, dress slacks, a top with buttons ? OH hell no.

So this morning I will wake up FAR TOO EARLY, then with the assistance of crisco a shoe horn and a complicated pully system devised by my husband I will stuff my fat ass into a non forgiving material a few sizes too small so I look like I am smuggling hams in my pants. Go out in the cold, driving my POS mini van, pay a co pay to a Dr who will surely have little to no knowledge of my issue but will MOST definitely put in a referral to one of their friends so I can do the insurance circle of Medicine dance.

oh Monday I really freaking hate you.  Hope you guys don't have to stab anyone in the throat with a #2 pencil because they are an idiot today.

xo
PEACH OUT

3 comments:

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

"I were to run onto the golf course in the middle of a televised tournament with 'SAVE MY BRAIN' written on my tits. Now I would trip and stumble over those tube socks filled with cantelopes that used to be hot boobs. "
BWWAAAHHHHAAAA!!!! I can totally see you doing this... oh yes, I can!!

Miley said...

EXACTLY what Holly said!!

I would totally stand there with you with "SAVE HER BRAIN" on my tits and an arrow pointing to you... although I'm pretty sure the police of visual crimes would come to arrest me...

Ella said...

Dr's are morons & Monday's suck.

I'm right there with you.