THEY STOLE MY DICK DICK !

I have been a bit "AWOL" and rumors flew around the internet like panties at a VanHalen Concert. I had seriously awesome guest posters cover both blogs and now owe them most of my internal organs not ravaged by alcohol/stupidity or both ( note- I do not poses enough organs that meet the criteria so repayment will be based upon the amount of door to door salesmen that stumble by my house).

We all know I avoid rarely go into public, because it's against my religion  lawyers advice.   Unfortunately in the last 15 days I have HAD to go into public a lot, like nearly every day. For things I didn't want anyway, so I was already all grouchy and stuff.

I noticed about day 3 that one of my tires was going low,  I kept airing it up and  trudging on. Around Day six, I decided I better get a new tire or I would end up in a ditch in deliverance country and have to chew my own leg off to survive and be haunted by banjo music.

Mistake 1-  getting dressed and leaving the house to get tire fixed.  It just pretty much went downhill from there.

I go to the tire shop and they give me an estimate.  I remind them I would like the cheapest possible tire since they had a sign that said " we do not accept lap dances as payment". 

I left for a couple hours and walked back.  I handed them my credit card they swiped, I signed, walked out.

Walking to the car I look down at the little bitty crappy out of ink credit card recipet and my brain nearly shut down.  $375?  WTF?   They said around  $75.   So I round my P.O.S. looking to see if I have all new tires, nope, in fact they didn't even put the hub cap thing back on the tire they replaced.

Steaming pissed and in total disbelief I climb into my crappy van with empty mc griddle wrappers and jam my freakin key in the ignition contimplating  what the bail would be if I went back in there with a tire iron and had my bill adjusted.

I slam the POS into R.

OH HELL NO Y'ALL.

My freaking GPS is GONE.   

Yes the one I lovingly call Dick Dick, and  he returns by constantly telling me to "turn around" , "turn around", " turn around".  The little electronic male co-Pilot that proudly proclaims, " you are at your destination"  when I am in the middle of a field or on the top of a bridge.

THEY TOOK MY DICK DICK !!!!!!!!!!!!

Like a freaking steaming ranting Loony Toon  I don't even know if I put the damn car back in park, but I bailed and and headed in the Tire Place like Bull with a bee in my bonnet.

Being the shrinking violet I am. I butted my way to the front of the line saying things like, "sorry, they owe me a kiss"  or  "excuse me but I have to get my panties back."

The guy at the counter see's me and my apparently has been in a relationship with an insane red head because as I neared the counter he took a deep breath and stepped back.

him- Can I help you?

me- Yeah you can kiss me since you fucked me.

him- uh

me- oh yeah can I see your stapler?

him- uhm yes mama

me- now whose the SOB with the new GPS?

him- uhm mama? I uhm,  let me get you a manager.

me- Yeah tell him to bring me my panties, k bitch?

Mangager-  Mama is there a problem?

me- Dude I am about to go all fuckin wild eyed ass kicking up here, first you ass fuck me by charging me $375 for "A" TIRE?  the blue book on that piece of shit isn't $375!!!  Then as a wipe your dick on the curtains bonus one of your dudes steals my GPS.

Manager- why don't we go in the office.

me- why don't you just fuck me some more right here in front of all your customers pussy boy.

Manager- I am going to need you to calm down can I see your receipt?

me- I'm gonna need to shove this fucking stapler up some bodies ass, you have 5 seconds to pick the victim.

I ball up my reciept and throw it at him,  take a step out the door and call my husband to prep him to get bail money.

He answers his WORK phone and I begin to scream in the phone the insane situation and that I am indeed going to go to jail but I am taking out a couple of these bitches on the way.  They fucking charged us $375 for a tire and stole my DICK DICK!!!!!

He waits for me to finish my cussing ass fucking with a stapler need bail money tyraid. I finally take a breath and I hear multiple male snickers.  Shit I'm on the fucking speaker? 

Calmly says, " honey I am in a meeting but you do realize that you loaned your GPS to your friend in December when he was moving to Utah right?"

shit.....

I walk back in the entire customer base is cowering like I am some masked bank robber and a couple of them are on board.  When the manager points out that I was only charged $75 but due to their being low on ink ( not my poor eyesight) I had confused  the $ with a 3.

I had nothing. Nothing but my quick thinking and tricks from blog land.  So stealing a page from the queen of all excuses, PAM the BBF of Holly.  I grabbed my forehead and loudly, "OMG my blood sugar, it's my blood sugar somebody get me a mint !"  and collapsed into a chair.

I was offered a mint and a coke. I took 2 sips and said, " OMG I feel so much better wow.  What happened?  Holy cow, is my car ready? oh it is? thank you so much you have done a wonderful job."

Then I  Tyra Banks style stomped throwing hips around like I was on the run way from the building to my waiting chariot of shame and sped off.  Like a freaking Diva.

Yeah it's probably a really really good idea not to let me out in public much.

xo

PEACH OUT

*Disclaimer*- no one actually got assfucked with a stapler. However I did make them chocolated dipped fruit, home made cookies, homemade bannana bread and delivered them with a letter of apology, which I signed with a fake name.

Why I need an Island

I used to work 40-50 hours a week at a high stress, suit type job.
I used to drag my kids to every event/function/practice/exhibition/cultural experience.
I used to take off in the car with no planned route calling it an adventure and singing in the car.
I used to go out a lot and could often be seen with a microphone in my hand for one reason or another.
I was like Norm at Cheers. When I would walk in a place people would yell my name and get up to hug me.
I was once even elected to a small position that I took very serious and enjoyed.

Not anymore.  I started on a mission to be comfortable and have dedicated my life to Pajamas and this darling laptop of mine. At some point I went from being a social butterfly to a very anti social often pissed off troll.

It's like my adoration of the human race has been sucked out of me and I need to be sent off to an island to live alone.  But what's weird is there are some people I really like, I would do anything for them and I would want them on my island because I love them like a cat loves catnip. They seem to get me. Even if our opinions differ we still support and laugh at and with each other.  So obviously I need an island.


Now if I have to answer my doorbell or phone I cringe.  If I have to actually get dressed and leave my house I feel like I should bring a paper bag for a probable hyperventilation event or a baseball bat and a criminal defense lawyer.

I wonder if  the burly hillbilly at the door trying to sell meat off the back of his truck is thinking how many pounds of rump roast he could get by cutting up my body out here in the woods, where no one can see or hear my murder.

I wonder if the person on the phone wanting me to do a phone survey knows that I have more than likely had a conversation with someone about zombies, jedi's, ninjas, scary clowns, or speedos in the last 30 minutes and should probably not have an opinion that is valued.

I am not sure if this event is happening everywhere or just in my state.

It appears the human race is getting more stupid, irresponsible and all around incompetent.   

Or more logically,  I am turning into a seriously heinous bitch.

Since I was forced out of my Pajama vacation/lifestyle several times in the last few days, I noticed how acute this situation is.  The following things happened in the past 3 days, and there is one common denominator me. So clearly mathematics would teach us I am the cause.

Example 1-  I don't have a Dr, I have a Physicians Assistant, but he got promoted to over seas all the PA's so he passed me and my medical issues down to a Assistant to the Physician Assistant which I will call an APA, who told me to come and see him for a follow up but when I went in, I saw a Nurse.  I am thinking the worse my case gets the less qualified my medical provider will be.  I expect next time I go in I will see the receptionist and the visit after that the janitor, then probably a 1st grader.  This pisses me off.  I pay for my insurance.

Example 2- The Nurse managed to mess up all of my Rx's because she didn't understand what they were for or what my dx was.  So I spent 2 hours on the phone to leave a phone consult to get an appointment that is two weeks from now to follow up on the follow up where my meds were messed up. Excellent.

Example 3- The Stupid Bitch known as the Young Tech at the lab who though I was a pin cushion while she acted like a 15 year old in the High School Parking lot.  I even wrote a post about her( click here).  And how I wanted to slap the eyebrows off her face.

Example 4-  Big Chain Store Tire Guy- I have a flat, I am driving on the spare I pull in with the flat tire with road hazard warranty on it in the back. He see's me pull up and wait at the sign that says wait. He sits down and eats, a small child, a danish. Wipes his pudgy hands on his greasy shirt and then goes inside the store for a while. He comes back out with his hand held bar code thingy and saunters up to me like I am intruding on his non work schedule. I explain I have the warranty and a flat and he explains it's against the law to fix the tire since it's a 2006, even though the receipt I show him states I bought it in 2009.  He said yeah you have to watch that.  Watch WHAT? YOU? you sell me 3 year old tires and a warranty on them that you don't have to back up because the tire you sold me was old and you say, " I should watch that?"  oh ok, I see the error of my ways in assuming you  weren't a cheating scum bag.

Example 4b- Big Chain Store Tire Guy-  OH yeah dude last time I was here I had you replace that right front tire here's the receipt, on the way home my hubcap flew off and I turned around and crawled through a snake infested ditch to get it back can you put it back on?    NO?  It's broke?  Somebody broke it putting it on?  OH,  so I am screwed?  Ok cool. Thanks.

Example 5-  Politics.  You can't win.  If you disagree with either or both sides on even 1 point you are screamed at by either or both sides for being an idiot.  Apparently at some point we stopped being a country where we could respect each others view points and still disagree and turned into a country of OMG your are so stupid and I am so smart cause I read it on the internet.    If you have the balls to write a serious article about politics, have the brains to actually research the material.  Both sides, all views, the good the bad the ugly, and then using your own voice put out the article instead of regurgitating more useless drivel that serves only the people who are actually making money from this entire High School like popularity contest. The Politicians.


Example 6- Several phone calls from someone in my past to complain that their hand is just totally on fire and OMG they even had a chest x-ray and they are going to see a neurologist and their life is over and could I help them out because OMG the world is ending.  First of all. I have known you my entire life, you're a certified idiot.  If your hand is on fire take it off the stove burner where you have probably left it so you could scream how horrible your life is.  The life that you never worked a day in your life for but instead has been handed to you through tax dollars and the pity of the many many charities you scam.  Do me a favor. Lose my number.


Example 7- An elementary school teacher.  Who in just 4 weeks of school, has done all of the following.
Failed to give my kid his asthma medicine after I jumped through flaming hula hoops to get all the school forms and rx bottles properly completed by an actual Doctor before school started.
Had a ridiculous list of supplies for me to purchase and has not used even one of them for my kid yet.
Had  a face to face meeting with  me and my husband on day 4 of school because they are using some -/. code for all assignments and simply write a number on an erase board  ie:  9.4/7-e   and admitted the system may be confusing to 9 year olds.
Made my kid walk laps in 100 degree weather right after we had the meeting to discuss the folder with the ./- system because even though that was what the  meeting was about I didn't initial it.  OH yeah and no he didn't get his asthma medicine first.
Instead of answering any of my written notes to her, just circled words in my notes in red pen so that I could try to put them in an order that may be an answer.
Sends home all classwork and school work for the entire week on every Monday because it takes up too much class time to hand out these photo copied worksheets every day.  But the kids can only do that day's work on that day.
If you chose the job to be a teacher. Here is a really out of the box kind of idea, how about TEACHING !  Don't hand a kid over 60 photo copied worksheets for a week and test 5 days a week. Put them on auto function mode and use the code words , " students responsibility" for " I am too lazy to do my job"  If you are too busy working on your degree to actually teach or you figured out you hate the job, quit.  There are plenty of qualified dedicated people who would love your job.


Example 8-  The bank.  They have initiated a policy that if you do not use your atm/debit card within 14 days it is suspended and you have to psychically go into a branch and have it reactivated.  This is Bullshit.  I live in podunkville yall.  I am also on a pajama vacation and I might go 3 or 16 days without every opening my front door ( unless that meat guy comes by).  Plus this isn't my main account so I don't use it that much.  I can't think of a better way to get me to close all 3 of my accounts with you.


Example 9-  A phone call from someone that although I love them dearly. I wouldn't trust them with a spork  and playdough, as they have proven they are capable of EPIC bad choices,  and lack the comprehension of responsibility in a way that exceeds anything previously known on the planet.  This person moves town to town state to state. In college we called it, "couch surfing".  But I am not sure there is always a couch involved.  Yet this person thought it would be a FANTASTIC idea to call me from a borrowed cell phone from an Animal Shelter in another state and ask me to "co-sign" for them to get a dog.  UHM WHAT?  My dogs and cats are always rescue or shelter animals.  But really how could I vouch for this person to be responsible for a helpless unconditionally loving animal to be placed in their care or lack there of.  I couldn't.  So the call ended with me being cussed out for saying I didn't think it was a good idea until they were more stable.


So that's an average of 3 people a day for the last 3 days that have made me absolutely lose my cool. Even if just within my own mind.   This is not good, this is not normal, this is not ok.  I am the happy go lucky, "make it work" go to girl.    Now I am just a growling snarling festering troll.   I looked at the calendar and I can't even use PMS as an excuse.

Is there a medicine that makes you less angry/stabby/annoyed/mean/hateful/hyperventalty ?  If so, what is it and what do I need to say to the janitor to get the RX for it.

I have to go out again today I hope I am able to avoid any more "situations" that make me question this theory.