Wednesday, September 1, 2010

How it went down ( hill fast)

My cell phone- { Call me so I can make it juicy for ya, Call me}  

Me- Hello?

Droid- Hey Baby you at the hospital yet?

Me- No, I stopped to get some taternuts.

Droid- You are supposed to be fasting, you can't eat that shit you have blood work !

Me- OMG Captain Obvious how did you get my cell number? NO shit honey.  But as soon as they get done I am eating a dozen of these  babies in the parking lot.

Droid- What the hell is a Taternut?

Me- No wonder you are 6'2 and 158, you have never lived. What do you want anyway?

Droid- Are you ok?

Me- No I am not ok, I haven't eaten anything or had any Mt Dew I might kill someone and you are on the top of the list, because you have no clue what a taternut is. I gotta go I think the gate guard just heard me say i had to kill someone so I am probably going to get cavity searched.

Gate Gaurd-  Hi Mrs Kirk. You feeling ok today?

Me-  Not really Sgt Smith, I am fasting for this lab work and my husband is rubbing it in.

Gate Guard- Oh yeah, that's never good.  Drive Safe

Finally find a parking spot in what should be named "survivor parking". Because the older a person gets the longer their car gets and then they add one of those  electric scooter lifts to the back of it for extra obsticle course fun. Just about the time you want to pick them off with the AR-15 you have mounted on the mini van roof top they hobble out of the land yacht wearing their belted elastic band shorts,  sock garters and WWII hat and you are stuck waiving and smiling, because they deserve the spot way more than you anyway.  

End up parking slightly a tad  further the distance from the earth to Uranus ( I love it when I can say Uranus in a post), walk eleventykabillion thousand and 3 miles in 9 thousand and 5.2 degree heat so it looks like the asphalt is melting and giving off this wavy toxic nearly mirage type fumes and you can almost make out Brendan Fraser doing the Monkey Bonez dance when you almost get hit by all the people on their way to work in a hurry in their air conditioned cars as you drag yourself by your tongue through the 5th ring of hell on the crosswalk.

Get inside find out the escalators aren't working, use them like sharp jagged metal stairs.   Convince yourself you are not going to fall, but picture what would happen if you did and how you would land all mangled and bleeding at the bottom near where they are selling cookies.

Wonder why they are selling cookie next to the place you go to do lab work when you are fasting and are so hungry you would eat the ass out of a rhino.

 Think about throwing your very heavy purse at the people selling cookies grab as many bags as you can and making a run for it and then remember you can't run because your fat and lazy.

Old Tech- Growl Hiss Do you have your ID?

Me- Good Morning here ya go.

Old Tech- Snarl Hiss Growl Pee in this cup put it in the metal turn style then come out I hate you Growl

Me-  (thinking to myself- wow what a horrible fucking job touching other peoples piss all day no wonder she's  bitch)

Me- *Tinkle*  *HandWash* HandWash* Open door with paper towel and foot then wonder if I could wash foot because I some OCD public restroom issues*

Young Tech-  Miss Perd


Young Tech looking right at  me with an ID card in her hand -  MISS PERD


Young  Tech-  Miss Perd I am calling you.

Me-  I am not Miss Perd.

Young Tech-  Oh snap my bad  Ms Kurt.

Me- ( thinking to myself- did a medical person just say " Oh snap my bad outloud?" this probably wont end well)

Me-  Mrs. Kirk will work.

Young Tech- I am silly

Me- ( release gas, clutch in, switch gears to bitch your not silly your an idiot gear)

Me- I don't find blood work that funny, you do have the right person and the right orders for lab work right?

Young Tech-  oh yeah I'm sure I do.

Young Tech-  only 1 rubber glove on, cleans my arm with an alcohol pad, then rubs her ungloved hand over my previously cleaned arm and shoves a needle in my arm with her ungloved hand.

Young Teach-  {digging around in my arm like the bitch is looking for the fucking Titantic while she runs her mouth to other employees about her personal life}

Young Tech- { does not stick a vial on the end of the needle hanging out of my arm, and continues not to pay attention to my arm, but instead yells across the room to a young man}

Young Tech- { accidentally does part of her job and hits a vein, has the release on the cap removed but no vial}  yells across the room, "  oh boy you better shut your mouth you know I hate you right?"

Young Tech- looks back to see my blood pouring on to the floor and me pulling the needle out of my arm she has let go of for several minutes that she never put a vial on.

Young Tech -  You ok lady?

Young Tech Jumps back from my blood so it doesn't get on her, as I lay the needle on the table next to me and give her a not nice look.

Me-  I don't mind you having fun at work, but you probably should know how to do your job before you chose to dick around at it. When you slip into that uniform you lose the right to be an incompetent idiot and gain the responsibility of being a mature hard working adult who carries themselves with leadership and self respect.  Even more so since it's the medical field I suggest you get your fucking head out of your ass ASAP as some peoples lives may depend on you at some point.  Clear ?

Young Tech-  {{{ Crickets}}}

Young male tech-  see's my blood all over the floor, see's my pissed off face, probably heard me just about rip young techs head off in what could be considered a renactment of the 300 but with only 2 people.

Young Male Teach- Mama can I help you?

Me-  depends young man, can you carry yourself in a professional confident manner and carry out the duty as you swore to do or do you need to gossip break protical and let my blood pour on the floor while you act like a twit?

1 stick, many vials, no words, all done, good bye.

Morales to the story-  . 
1-If you take on a job, do it. Don't act like an ass, or an idiot where people can see you. 
2- If you absolutely positively have to act like an ass, might I suggest using the break room, the bathroom room, or climbing under a desk and humming on a comb with tissue paper.  Otherwise your are just a fleshy waste of DNA.
2- If you take a job that involves peoples live or lively hood, you don't get to be an idiot, if your an idiot work in something that may not be as important like uhm...  washing the parking lot at a bowling alley?
3- Don't fuck with me when I am hungry, it wont be pretty.
4-I went to my car ate 1 taternut called the Droid and told him I almost slapped the eyebrows off a dumb bitch in the hospital. He instructed me to leave the military installation pull over and eat another taternut and the feeling would pass.
5- My man knows me.

** No military personnel were harmed during the making of this post. Although I lost a load of blood and she stabbed me with her dirty non gloved hand and my blood poured on the floor.  The only casualty was the taternuts.**


Tawnya said...

First of all, you are totally right. I woulda slapped that dumb bitch too. Maybe she needs a new line of work because clearly she was not medical personnel material.

Rachel said...

I just choked and shot crystal light lemon flavored water out of my nose. Only slightly less painful than the time I shot spaghetti out of my nose. No one to blame but myself. I should know better than to read your posts while eating or drinking. Humming on a comb. Sweet freaking hell. I love, love, love that you gave that stupid widget the what for. That's the tone I usually reserve for the people at Sprint.

Traci said...

Lesson learned do not mess with the Peachy1! You are so awesome! Where can I get me some of those there taternuts!? Cause when I Google Taternuts, it does not come back as a yummy food item...just saying!

Anonymous said...

no one takes pride in their job anymore. not fast food workers, mechanics, doctors or waitresses. no wonder we are handing our country and jobs away Americans have come to think of a job as a chore instead of a source of pride.