I will drop kick your ass

Dear People of Friday.


To the 5'1'  E.R. Doctor that  suffered from a sever case of Dolphin syndrome) having his head so far up his ass he had a hole in the back of his neck so that he could breath).  I understand why you became a Dr.  You suffered from little man syndrome your entire life.  So you had to go to school so you could feel big and then you caught GOD syndrome and now unfortunately you have DICK syndrome.  I say this because when you step in the room after 5 hours of testing and say something about a major organ followed with the word organ and then step out of the room and I grab you in the hall way you don't tap my arm and go, "  sweetie" and run away.
This get's your tiny ass dropped kicked like Charlie Brown from Peanuts.  Please also know the nurses hate your freaking guts and wanted me to stomp you into a puddle of scrubs.   Good luck with the way everything works out for you dude.

ON the flip side-  Ms Kick Ass female DR that told the barbie nurse to shut her face hole and then said, " do you want to die or listen? " wow I love you.  nuff said.   Absolutely you should run that place. Also I would pay good money to watch you drop kick Dr Dick from the ER.


Dear Lazy Mother fucking Cop from TN who called me at 11pm at night.  Do not try to guilt me for not wanting to bail someone out of jail.  Sorry you had to do your job and arrest a criminal.  WOW that had to suck.  Also sorry you are having to actually put a pen to paper or run your doughnut stained fingers peg by peg over the keyboard to type out a report.  But do NOT fucking call me to bond out someone.  Then have the nerve to get pissy to the point I can HEAR YOU roll your lazy ass eyeballs when I say NO I WILL NOT BOND OUT THE CRIMINAL   because as you said, "  I will have to do more paperwork".  fucking wha.   I am sure that will hold you up from what?   finishing up the job?   a painter has to wash his brushes when he's done he hates that shit,  a cook has to wash the dishes and a mom has to change diapers, do the fucking paperwork.  You COPS hate bondsmen like they are scum, YET YOU want family to come up there and huff and puff when we don't  well suck my fictional dick ass hat,  he broke the law, and can sit, he needs to sit, in fact, he shouldn't be out,    First rule of my club,  don't break the law,  second rule,  if you do don't get caught,  third rule- dont be stupid enough to call me.


Dear Drug Dealer friend of the person in jail-   I would like to personally thank you for blowing my phone up everyone 7 minutes  from 1130pm until 6am ( presumably when your crack/pot/meth/drano  wore off)  crying into my phone.  I understand you have a disease,  you're sick. blah blah, hear my bleeding heart weep for you as you run around laughing while you rob society, innocent hardworking people and commit crimes to score your shit,  I would love it if I had enough faith in the Police where you were I would tell each of your dumb stoned asses I was wiring you money just so they would know where to pick up up, but since Officer 2FUCKING LAZY.  Probably wouldn't be there that just means you would figure out the deal and come kill me so I wont.  


and to the final person of yesterday that needs to be drop kicked-    ME.    What the hell are you doing?   The Prince got pegged in the spine and face with a baseball during over time and you didn't even bring it up. I mean I realize 2 other people are like in seriously crap right now but really? the prince.
ME2- Yeah well I think a family member in the hospital, handling it, ER, admitting, blah, then the entire out of state thing with the problem person and blah, I mean blah, I am exhausted and now I have to go again and handle everything,  remember this past monday I said I think I have a brain cloud on here.  hello?
ME-  Shut the fuck up.  Take your fucking stun gun with you today,  also pepper spray, also,  video camera, cause you if stun gun someones ass you better video it, then youtube it before they pick you up.  You are going to snap huh?
ME2-  probably I mean I am fucking talking to myself here shit.


If you are on this list, consider your ass drop kicked. (  that goes double for me)

How Kevin ruined Bacon- the time I didn't get arrested

I've lived a thousand lives, 

and was nearly arrested in all but 2. 

Those are the ones they caught me.

During High School I lived in a tiny town in central Florida that had 1 catwalk ( the thing for pedestrians to cross the street over traffic- not the cool high fashion catwalk).

In retrospect  this catwalk being within 1 block of my high school where everyone knew me might not have been the best place to skip for the first time.

Maybe if I were just sitting  there quietly and not drawing attention to myself I would have been ok.  But no I had to be all "footloose, kick off my Sunday shoes".

Yes that's right. I skipped school the very first time after watching the movie "Footloose with Kevin Bacon".

It's not that the movie was that so amazingly awesome, and I am not a big Kevin Bacon fan. ( However I friggin LOVE real  bacon, or as my kid calls it, "pig meat".) Nothing against you Kevin, I am sure you're reading this and  I do NOT want to hurt your feelings. I just never really connected to much of the stuff you did, including your music. I am sure your fantastic and all that it's just my personal thing ok,  at the time I was busy being all hot over John Bon Jovi.  ( shout out Johnny babe, remember me from that concert, sure you do!)

But Kev, ( I can call you Kev right?)  your movie did inspire me. To skip school, put your soundtrack in my walkman ( google ancient technology), and then attempt to do your movie  moves across my towns catwalk. ( which could have only hurt my street cred, because people called my mom and the school thinking I was suffering from a medical condition)

Is this my fault? No, it's yours.  You did this, this was the marked beginning of  my awesome crazy wild memories downfall as a teenager.

Well that and the entire living so close to Dayton Beach that I thought spring break was the entire year round and would eventually end  up on MTV spring break 4 years in a row and who the heck knew my mom would be watching that crap? ( shout out to Mom in case she figured out browsers from email and finds this..)

On the upside, it was pretty much the point I also realized you only go around 1 time ?  Smell the roses? Enjoy your life?  So I have to thank you for that, which is probably the soul reason I secretly bought  your CD , "Forosoco" ( still available at amazon) . See that Kev I pimped your CD because 
you taught me to skip school and dance like a moron in the middle of my town,
 you were part of my coming of age.  Much like "Breakfast Club". "Ferris Buellers Day off",  "Sixteen Candles",  "Weird Science", "Pretty in Pink" and "Risky Business" .

Except in each of those movies there was a guy I was willing to make out with.
(*Note* if you have not watched every single one of these movies at least 2 times each, you fail and better head on over to netflix and get you some life).
 (*Disclaimer* I am not saying I would not make out with you under any circumstances. As a married woman I have found there are many things I can overlook and honestly  I am not seeing that many flaws with you compared to some others. )

I wish I could make my daughter in college sit down and watch all the above movies, including yours, except I don't want her to skip school, lend her panties to a nerd,  turn a barbie and porno into a human,  steal a car, hire a hooker, and make out with a dude while she wears a flammable bridesmaid dress as she leans over candles, and wreck her parents car.  I ended up doing all of those, well except for the barbie thing,  that was a bogus script and shit theory, it totally did not work with the GI Joe I stole from my brothers.

But  each of these movies taught me something, they  marked a certain stage in my life, and I am sure in some way the have helped me enjoy the ride.

So Kev, honey, I blame you for the beginning of  my awesomeness, before that I was just another chick in a school showing up and learning.

Why did I think dancing like this was acceptable in public?

Let's be clear that I blame nothing on Brendan Fraser because he is my main man, and entered my life way after I was all formative and junk.  But he lurves me, visits me while my husband is at work, is the father to 1 of my children,  is the main focus of a lot of my adult dreams,
 has done some great work.


XO


PEACH OUT

PS- any stars I failed to give a shout out to that I totally owe a shout out to, I will get to you in time, whether you like it or not.  ( That's a heads up to you Van Halen { pre Hagar}, Ralph Macchio { you're my bud but you already know that}, Ratt { because that was the first music video I was in}, Judd Nelson { because I gave my earing to a dirtbag}, Curtis Armstrong, Steve Perry, Rod Stewart, Sting, Alan Ruck  and many many more... )

PSS- this post was not sponsored by Kevin Bacon,  The Anti Bacon Defamation League or Netflix, which means they all owe me BIG TIME.