Thursday, September 8, 2011

Grease me up Johnny boy

In the immortal words of the founding father of HOTNESS, ( John Travolta aka Vinny Barbarino duh)

" I got chills they're multiplying, and I'm losing control, cause the power you're supplying,  IS ELECTRIFYING!"

Yeah baby, finally all these long years after Grease, suffering through Grease 2, then of course my name being Sandi and my Best Friends name was Danny hence we pretty much HAD TO DO THE LEADS in what can only be described as a High School murder of what should never attempt to be acted out by anyone other than John and Olivia,  I finally, honestly know for sure 100%  that he was singing to me.

Now I don't want anyone getting confused, yes Brendan Fraiser is still my #1 boy toy.  Me and Mr Depp have a deep down intellectual relationship that blurs into something possibly inappropriate at times.  Then there is that new guy, the new Conan dude,  yeah what's his face?  Pretty sure he will be giving me  massages in the near future while he plops chilled grapes in my mouth. All of this is fact, you heard me FACT.  I can't help my hotness and their inability to be immune to my prowess.  

I thought it was the  brains, the boobs, the attitude, the fact I ooze a sexiness of accident prone klutz that makes me more "approachable" to these mere mortals.  But today it all came together and I have the truth.

In the past couple weeks the circumstantial evidence is accumulating, I present to you the following exhibits.

I've had about 6 EKG's this year (  EKG is for your heart,  most of them centered around my May 2011 great Heart Attack adventures.  I pulled off a couple heart attacks in less than a month from a prior healthy heart.  I mainly did it so I could get felt without having to buy an airline ticket.  Plus the little pasties with bb's on them stuck all over my breast makes me look like a cow with erect teats.  

I had the immense pleasure of having a full on EMG  ( this one is pretty awesome, and by awesome I mean it sucks and hurts and should have been abolished in the 1940's along with shock therapy and lobotomies)  This lovely exam is done by a Neurologist and they put leads on your body parts, fingers, hands wrists, spine, neck, legs, and everywhere but your snatch.  Then they send an electronic pulse to that lead while you lay on a little metal disk that acts as a grounding so you can complete the electrical circuit.  If this doesn't sound extreme enough for you, add phase 2 of the EMG, this is where they actually stick more needles in you that your Grandmothers ugly ass Tomato pin cushion.  But because having needles shoved between your fingers and into your neck is not allowed thanks to the Geneva Convention  along with waterboarding ( which sounds shit tons funner)  they claim this as a medical test, and they hook electrical current to those needles and measure the jerk, timing, and screaming levels only to deduce that you are neurologically every level of jacked up but there's nothing they can do,  which prompts you to stab the Doctor in the retina with frozen supersized depends pad because you pissed yourself all 145 shocks.  Ok you don't have to stab the Doctor but honestly they deserve a good stabbing for doing such a painful test just so they can "confirm" there is nothing they can do..  Skip the depends and just drive a mini van up his ass and then say, " wow, yeah your ass is totally jacked up, but that van is stuck so there's nothing we can do"

The EEG,  if you are bald, and like discos this is the test for you.  However if you have very long hair, and tend to get headaches and seizures from flashing strobe lights and are opposed to voluntarily hyperventilate  for 3 minutes this may not be the test of choice.  Nothing says Studio 54 like laying in a pitch black Faraday Cage with a lamp as bright as the sun 1 inch from your face smacking faster and faster light into your eyeballs while you hear sounds like somebody slipping on rubber gloves.  All in all, if you can tolerate strobe lights, noise, claustrophobia, and laying on your back then this isn't a bad test.  However be prepared to spend a good hour trying to wash the + symbols and glue off your head and out of your hair.

In conclusion,  all of these exhibits have 2 things in common.  Me of course, and Electricity.  the E in the first letter of each test stands for Electricity.  Yes of course I have also had heart caths, and  extensive MRI's and bloodwork, and ambulance rides, and ultrasounds, and CAT scans but those are just not relevant.  

Exhibits A, B, C  prove I am FREAKING SHOCKING !   So Johnny babe come on over,  I am going to get one of those red round "take a number" thingies so I can  share my electric personality with as many as possible in the most efficient manner.

Now serving  number 76.



Tawnya said...

When I first started getting migraines, I had to have an EEG. It was uncomfortable, but I think I pissed them off because I fell asleep. I was tired. But I do not want another one for sure.

*^_^* said...

Nice post! Keep it coming!

Chunky Mama said...

Sorry once again that you are dealing with all of this torture.
But, I do love the sass that seems to come with it.
Sending you love and wishes for a seriously boring 2011 from here on out.

Jessica Thompson said...

Haha, that's great!

fabio_2007 said...

great post