Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I really need a penis.

Ok, I have a problem, and I know the first step to overcoming a problem is to admit you have a problem so we can just count this as the first step to a healthier me right?

Wait what's my problem?

Oh yeah, sorry,  I have acute incurable penis envy.  There I said it, now somebody pass me a fucking doughnut and some OJ after the "hi's and welcomes" calm down.

I don't think I ever went through the entire "denial phase".   I have always loved penis, despite the fact they are possibly the most hilarious looking part of a human body and hang around with nuts I love them.

Everyone I have ever been madly in love with had a penis.

Short of having one of my own  the penis is pretty much perfect.  It's like a thermometer only it rises in the occasion of attraction instead of temperature.  The rest of the time it just hangs there, all awesome and hilarious.  I have to give credit to the penis for being involved in the creation of all 3 of my children.  Yeah it's obviously remarkable.

However I also have to admit that my reason for penis envy is indeed for 1 solitary reason.
Just one, out of all the wonderful things a penis allows you to do.
Pee in the snow,  write your name, miss the toilet,  be embarrassed in middle school by random wood, hide behind pleated dockers, and drive a chicks head into the wall.  Yeah those are all great, but I really am envious of 1 and only 1 thing.  Me and Demi Moore share our envy issues.


literally that's it.  I mean sure I would love to just bend over the numbnuts in the medical field and ram them with a hefty member but honestly I think I would feel just as satisfied as if I could stone face look at them and say,

"suck my dick"

If I had a dick I would probably go ahead and trade 5000 words out of my lexicon just to be able to stone faced look at someone and say, "suck my dick"  and then offer up a dick.

This is probably one of the many reasons I don't have a dick, because whoever was in charge of passing out penis, said, " oh hell no,  this is a bitch, no dick for her, she will have everyone sucking it".  They were right.

Examples from just today-

New Brain Surgeon-  blahdy blah blah, blah shit you have heard for 10 years, blah blah shit you have heard, blah, shit that is irrelevant, blah,  anyone could die anytime, you could get hit by a bus leaving here, blah blah blah.
Me-  "oh I see,  well in that case,  SUCK MY DICK"

Post office worker-  uhm no, you have to buy another box, they are over there were you stood in line for 20 minutes, no I am  not going to help you even though you asked, yes I realize I am sitting on a fucking stool watching TV but I will sell you a stamp for you to stick on your letter then tell you to put it in a slot in the wall that leads to a basket under my hand but I wont do it for you.

Me-" Oh ok, sorry to bother you by actually parking the car and staggering in then waiting in line 3 times because you couldn't get your fat ass off the stool to actually do your job, or mailing a letter, so instead of getting back in line can you go ahead and just SUCK MY DICK?"

Neurologist- You didn't have a seizure during the 30 minute eeg, but that doesn't mean you don't have them so you officially can't drive for a full year starting today.  Oh and here's some medicine that will make you feel like I punched you in the vagina.
Me- " So I don't have seizures? or I do? or what?  never mind just go ahead and SUCK MY DICK."

Lady at the refill pharmacy-  no that rx is expired, no that one can't be renewed until tomorrow, these 5 are a week late refilling, and this one you need to come back in 6 days to get.
Me- " oh well they just told me I am not allowed to drive anymore for an entire year and I live pretty far away from here, so if you could fill anything that needs to be filled for the next 2 weeks that would be awesome and save me from going without my medicines as prescribed, since I can't drive and all.
Bitch / Lady-  NO

French Neurosurgeon-   bladee, blah voila, tres blah,  cava , blah,  uh duh twa, blah,  I am so good looking and french I will distract you with my laid back attitude and frenchness. blah,
Me- "  Je parle en frances,  poir fe vour  SUCK MY DICK"

Gas Pump-  $3.39

Dog hair on the floor -   no need to sweep just scream

Dinner?  Family?  what ?  I got nothing...


I should just get white business cards with the words, " SUCK MY DICK"  on them, nothing else, just pass them out to everyone I meet thus cutting straight to the chase.

Honestly I really believe I could live remainder of my entire life just using those 3 words,  if of course, I actually had a dick,  until then,  it's an empty threat.  ( ha, no penis? empty? get it? ha?  shit I am funny right?  no?  well then to you I say,  " SUCK MY DICK")



Wendy Thomas said...

"poir fe vour" OMG. I'm dying. lol. The Gods definitely made the right choice not giving you a dick. That would have been an obscene amount of dick sucking today. But hey, maybe after the pharmacist sucked your dick, she could have given you a Viagra to continue the dick sucking going on.

BlackLOG said...

So you want to go for the Last turkey in the shop window look....

Hmmm I can tell you, you can say it all you want but unless you are super bendy (most men arn't) or super blessed (self service) or prepared to pay a street walker, you are not going to get ot every time you ask for it....

May I be so bold to suggest "Suck my clit" and inexpensive practical alternative for you....

Moooooog35 said...


I was just going to update your Facebook status with the same thing.

Rachel said...

Peach ... you are AWESOME. OMFG. You NEED those business cards. Do it. Do it for all of us.

And I am frankly jealous that you only have to pay $3.39/gallon. The gas pumps here can suck my dick and my hairy nutsack.

NurseNightmare said...

LMAO. Well crap now I have penis envy

The Empress said...

Excellent post! You really should just go ahead and say it the next time you feel compelled. Doing so completely throws off the person in which the sentiment is intended. Say it! Say it! Say it!!!

Chunky Mama said...

This is the single greatest piece of literature I have ever read. :)

Kizzal said...

LOL. I tell people to suck my dick even though I don't have one. When they say "What dick?" I tell them "The one in my bedside table". LOL