Dedicated to Sam I Am

Upon a time, I was wild and carefree, living the life to see what was in it for me.
Then one day I became a mother,  to a beautiful girl,  that was the day I handed over my world.

She was just the first of 3,  but she was the one who helped define me.
Now she is grown, graduated and gone on her own.

My only daughter my beauty my Sam I am,
The best big sister on the planet the princess of the fam.

A parents wish for the child is that they have a better life
Admittedly no matter how hard I tried I never got it quite right.

She is the person I wish I could become,  the oldest the leader the number 1
Oh Sam I am,  how do I love thee let me count the ways

Even though you have moved on and out I think of you every day.

My actions were wrong, my words are not right,  and yes I understand that often we fight.
But know this my darling beautiful girl,

For you my precious love, I would truly move the world.


Thank you for making me me, and if anyone on this planet deserves the best of everything it is truly you.


Beyond words my darling and to the stars and back.

xo
Mom
aka
ThePeachy1

Mother of the YEAR Award? What? ME? - oh well thanks anyway.

First you must know that my daughter is awesome, responsible, brilliant and she farts glitter.  She had her first 2 years of college near our home on scholarship, once she got her AS  she had to move a few hours away on her own to attend the University of which she pays for by herself.  (Thank you douchebag grant and scholarship people I hope the people you give the free education to actually use for something other than a meth lab)  She is now doing 20 hr credit load in 400 level classes and is on the Deans List.  She gets her BS ( makes me laugh too)  in abnormal psychology and is a Polyglot.  She also has a straight forward hilarious sense of humor  like when I told the story about her and the ATM and when she 'ACTUALLY GUEST POSTED" for me last week. Clearly brilliant.


In August 2009, she had just left home, spreading her confident wings when  less than a week and sent me an email detailing her daily struggles in a new town.  The end of it surprised me because she said,

" Pray for me that I don’t get lost, I don’t get rained out, I make new friends, and that I get to Applebee’s on time and DON’T lock my keys in my car!

I love you and I can’t wait to see you this weekend.

Sam"

Sam's not a super religious person but clearly the compounding stress drove her to this request and I could tell she was homesick and a bundle of nerves.  At this point most mom's would have said something inspirational, motivational and loving. Most moms would have sent a care package packed full of baked goods and her childhood teddy bear.

 I am not most mom's and the response I gave her is probably just a hint one of the reasons I will never be mother of the year.  ( it is also a work of complete fiction)

Dearest Samantha,

    In accordance with your written formal request for prayer ( which dumbfounded me)  I immediately began the prayer procedure of my choice due to the fact you failed to outline the type of religion or diety rules.  Therefore the official minutes of the prayer meeting are enclosed as follows:

1-  the nekkie dancing under the moon with candles and flowers began at precisely 11pm,

2- the wood nymphs watched in horror at my wiggidy whack dance moves for approximately 15 minutes

3- around 1115 the majoritey (2/3rds) of the wood nymphs began puking

4-those wood nymphs who were not puking joined in my prayer dance

5- by midnight, the woods surrounding our house were sufficiantly cleared of those wildlife without a previous visual impairment.

6- by 1245am, the police showed up in haz mat gear saying they were responding to a suicide call from a racoon who was obviously driven to the state of madness from watching my fat ass jiggle around nekkie in the yard attempting to summons good tidings to you from the gods.

7- by 1am I was served with official legal notice from law enforcement to cease and dessist all nekkie dancing.

8- by 130am a judge came to the house after being woken up by the police chief due to an immediate danger to all citizens.

9- by 2am I was officially charge with animal cruelty and terrorist activites via my nudity and jiggling.

10-at 210am I entered a plea to a lesser charge and made an oath to never dance nekkie under the moon again for any reason.

11- by 230 all paperwork was notarized and filed in triplicate form, with the county clerks office, and 2 drunk wood nymphs were my witness.

12- at aproximately 305am I asked your father to summons his indian ancestors via a tribal dance

13- by 308 your father had fallen in one of the massive holes in our yard and twisted his ankle

13-b-  he landed in a pile of wood nymph puke

14- smelling like wood nymph puke and being injured, 3 drunk wood nymphs then violated your father in ways too illicet for me to speak of.

15- I beat the wood nymps off and out of your father using my bra as a sling shot and dante turds from the dirty kitty litter box as amo.

16- by 319am the wood nymphs were defeated by my ample supply of amo

17- at 325am I applied neosporin to your fathers wood nymph love bites and put him to bed

18- at 350am I placed my slingshot/bra in the washer

19- at 355am the police returned as they had a report from a pissed off armadillo that there was a domestic disturbance and possible sexual assult at this address.

20- by 415 am I had sucessfully bamboozeled the police into believe you dad is just a kinky dude and we were having fun.

21- at 420 am I quietly lit candles for you.

22- at 430 am I slipped into the tub to relax and meditate for good vibes for you.

23- at 440am I began to smell smoke

24- at 445am I began to worry about the smell of smoke

25- at 450 I convinced myself I should get out of the tub and do something about the smell of smoke

26- at 5am I came out to the family room to find ferries smoking a big fattie

27- at 510am I got out the cheetos, mt dew, recees cups and bong, and joined the ferries

28- around aproximately 530am me and the ferries got into a heavy discussion about politics and religion we were in strong disagreance but to stoked to fight

29- by 6am I thought the ferries should leave since alex would be up soon for school

30- at 610am I was escorting the ferries out a couple of wood nymphs saw me with the ferries and a big woodland mythical species gang style war broke out

31- at 620am the sun came up and all the mayham and lifeless bodies that were causalites of the woodland war just disappeared making little "poof" noises

32- at 630am alex woke up and I told him to help me pray your day would go good.

he blew out the candles, bowed his head and said, dear god, please keep my sissy safe and happy today in everything she needs,  and oh yeah, tell my mom to keep her bong in her closet.

33- I am promoting alex to the king of the prayer request club.

Hope everything is AWESOME FOR YOU MY DEAR.... because you rock, also I gave this hot gnome your number hope that's ok.

I love you

mom

So I ask you my friends is it any wonder she changed her major to Abnormal Psychology?  She get's her bachelors in May.  I intend on keeping her busy with family stuff.

XO

PEACH OUT

* disclaimer*  I do not now, nor have ever owned a bong. Nor was my husband violated by fictional creatures.  Because if he was it would totally be on you-tube.

You can see my daughters Guest Post- called "Sam I am"   by clicking here, 
and Dirty Money by Clicking here


Also this is the kind of smarmy smokin' gnomes that roam my woods

Pretty sure I asked for this.

I have been spending the past 8 days watching my husband light our dry split oak firewood in our fireplace with a flame thrower, blow torch,  taking roughly 45 minutes of him sitting there burning the wood with a loud hissing metal bottle of flaming gas which absolutely ruins the entire ambiance of a "making a fire" it literally emasculates the entire process like a crazy eyed knife wielding Lorena Bobbit. .

Me:   Honey I know you don't do manly things because you're a math genius who only works with his mind and  I am actually more than a man than you because I camp, fish, enjoy sports, and know what a screw driver is,  don't you think that is cheating?

Him:  ( glances at me briefly over his should with that look of STFU)

Me:  I am just saying,  on" those man -vs- wild:, and "survivor man",   shows they can start a fire on an iceberg butt naked after swimming in the arctic using nothing but snow, pubic hair and teeth plaque.  They Never have a BLOW TORCH.

Him- clearly we are not them, we are smarter, have a home to live in that has heat, the fire is just for "effect" and our life doesn't depend on keeping warm, they also eat bugs do you want to eat bugs?

Me: not the point, but are the bugs dipped in chocolate?

Him: valid point, and no they are not in chocolate.

Me:  Just saying The Prince is 9 and I don't think he will learn to start a fire without a blow torch, while staring through his telescope and generally speaking in dots and dashes with you because it's funny and cool.

Him: Right it's silly for him to be smart and resourceful and have a job that will afford him purchased firewood and a blowtorch to start it, we should probably make him eat bugs, and field strip a squirrel and make his own water purification system from the stagnant fountain in the front yard. 

Me: yeah like that stuff, I mean that's learning and it would make him well rounded and a survivor

Him:  I hope your're having a brain moment because your pretty much an idiot right now.

Me: Are you even remotely aware that the apocalypse is coming?  He will need these skills.

Him: Did you take an ambien?

Me: NO

Him: so this is just general stupidity and deductive insane reasoning that you have gained via the internet right?

Me:  You do know your math and wierd science skills wont save you when it goes down.  I wish you would at least put on some weight so we could find some use for you like eat you when the time comes.

Him: heh, you can eat me now.

Me:  yeah my brain is saying I need to buy you more skirts for your spring wardrobe.

Him: don't you have a blog to write or something?

Me:  Yeah I have to go update my article for,
 " myhusbandistheonlynativeamericanontheplanetthatcannotstartafirewithoutaflamethrower.com "

HIm: This conversation is over. Plus I am only like 1/8ths Native American

Me:  and like 1/108ths  manly?

Him: :mentally throwing ninja stars at my head:

Me: checking that website and thinking it's sad that it doesn't exist.

So yesterday he laid down around 4pm to take a nap, and I saw this opportunity to teach my son how to make  fire using, fire wood and a match.

We chipped off "kindeling" using a screw driver and hammer. We had a brown paper bag but I explained he could use, moss or pine straw in the wild.  I showed him how to pile it up so the air could circulate underneath  it and the fire could grow.  I let him light it with a single match.  We blew gentling to get it to going good and watched it grow big and strong, and then we piled on the first log.

Time stood still in as we bonded during this precious learning experience of us sitting on the floor doing things from scratch. I explained several things could be used to throw a spark  if you don't have a match, and what things you can use inside -vs- outside.  We were so proud of our fire we were doing fist bumps and high fives and grunting like cave men and pounding our chests at our ability to control fire.  It was like an hour of magic.

Then this happened.

Then  " grouchy mensa man" ( totally his Native American name)  emerged from the bedroom, with a look of utter disdain  went to the fireplace and opened the flue.

I thought it was a great way to  make the fire building lesson to sink in to my child.  Because nothing makes you remember the important steps like standing in your pajamas on the freezing back deck for 45 minutes watching smoke billow out of your house and listening to 7 screeching smoke detectors.


xo
PEACH OUT


Also this couple is mountain hiking/rock climbing naked.