Monday, March 14, 2011

Zombie Jesus and Easter Egg Grenades

Consider yourself warned  or Why Jesus is a Zombie

It is a well known fact that if you die and come back to life you are 
a)  a vampire
b) a werewolf
c) a zombie

since there are no reports of Jesus being super extra hairy or having a thing for blood then we can assume he is indeed a zombie.

This is further proved by the Catholics ( codename for zombies in waiting) who will all become zombies at the time of the rapture (codename for Apocalypse) because they consume the blood and body of Christ ( codename for Zombie Jesus)  during Mass ( codename for Zombie meetings)  at communion ( codename for  eating zombie flesh eating meetings).

It's lent right now.  ( codename for Catholics have to give something up because they thought Jesus was dead and didn't know he was a zombie yet.)

Soon,  we will all hunt brightly colored easter eggs which a big bunny will hide to celebrate the day zombie Jesus woke up.  Because it all makes perfectly good sense.

What you don't understand about this?  

Even the super religious say that Jesus will come back and do battle with the Anti Christ.

What they forget to tell you is that "The Anti Christ" will be the leader of the Anti Zombie Coalition. 

I am pretty sure there will be brightly colored easter egg grenades involved in this.

I have already said to much, consider yourselves warned.


*disclaimer- I don't hate Catholics, or Jesus, anymore than I hate Hercules or Joesph Smith, unless they are zombies, this is a joke, probably.


laughingmom said...

Thanks for the explanation - should I stock up on eggs, jelly beans or chocolate bunnies? - they all give me the rapture!

Oilfield Trash said...

Good post.

But I thought all the people who voted for Obama were zombies?

squatlo said...

Here's a link to Eddie Izzard's take on Easter and Christmas as celebrated by the zombies (I mean Christians... sorry)

2girlsonabench said...

And we thought Easter was about candy and then the after Easter candy sale...

The Reckmonster said...

Yes, Peach, all that you say is "technically" true - but you FORGOT to throw in, that if it weren't for us zombies, there would be no bewbs at Mardi Gras. Soooo, zombies should at least be thanked for: king cake, plastic beads made in china flung from floats, and excessive bewb flashage on a certain Tuesday (and the few days before). You're all welcome!

ThePeachy1 said...

@laughingmom- you should store all your jellybeans and chocolate here, they will be safe ( total lie I will eat them all)
@OFT- hrm good point possibly a different strain of the virus, I don't think they get along
@squalto - I love me some here, izard izard izard.
@2girlsonabench- well that's the part of the plan where we should be stocking on our supplies, so yes, and like I told laughing mom, you should probably send it all here for safe keeping.
@reck- dear cobra sistah, you speak the truth, but this truth comes from knowing too much, I worry for the safety of your brain, it's clear you have been exposed, you will need more chocolate, and beer, and whole grain alcohol to cure the virus we can not afford to lose an asset like you.