Consider yourself warned or Why Jesus is a Zombie
It is a well known fact that if you die and come back to life you are
a) a vampire
b) a werewolf
c) a zombie
since there are no reports of Jesus being super extra hairy or having a thing for blood then we can assume he is indeed a zombie.
This is further proved by the Catholics ( codename for zombies in waiting) who will all become zombies at the time of the rapture (codename for Apocalypse) because they consume the blood and body of Christ ( codename for Zombie Jesus) during Mass ( codename for Zombie meetings) at communion ( codename for eating zombie flesh eating meetings).
It's lent right now. ( codename for Catholics have to give something up because they thought Jesus was dead and didn't know he was a zombie yet.)
Soon, we will all hunt brightly colored easter eggs which a big bunny will hide to celebrate the day zombie Jesus woke up. Because it all makes perfectly good sense.
What you don't understand about this?
Even the super religious say that Jesus will come back and do battle with the Anti Christ.
What they forget to tell you is that "The Anti Christ" will be the leader of the Anti Zombie Coalition.
I am pretty sure there will be brightly colored easter egg grenades involved in this.
I have already said to much, consider yourselves warned.
*disclaimer- I don't hate Catholics, or Jesus, anymore than I hate Hercules or Joesph Smith, unless they are zombies, this is a joke, probably.