Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I got honked, won $20 and no nuts were tazered

Sunday morning ( fathers day), I preformed a miracle of biblical proportions by dragging my husband and 10 year old out of bed at 630am.   In case you don't know uh,  we don't do Church, at all, ever.  So this was big, it was for our annual 13 mile Kayak trip.

I used the added man bait of  Coffee an McGriddles  and we were in the car and at the drive thru here in Green Acres by 7am.

Let me set the stage for you so you can get a clear picture.    I live by a major interstate,  it's 4 lanes in each direction and usually has maybe 3 or 4 cars on it.   The town a little south of me has 27 miles of beaches and casinos and you can scoot from county to county without any traffic issues.  My specific community just got it's first traffic light.   We don't live in an area where anyone is in a big rush for anything.  Keep that in mind.

I drive my half sleeping men to the Mc Donalds  EMPTY drive thru as a reward for waking up early on a weekend and not stabbing me.  A guy named Jason wearing a McDonalds uniform and  bright yellow reflective vest and what looked like a modified IPAD jumped out of the bushes from behind the order screen and introduced himself.

Using my stealth like ninja skills I restrained myself from spraying mace in his eyes and tazering him in the nuts for jumping out of a bush.  Because that's usually what happens to people who do that shit.  But my quick MIB  rationalization prevented poor Jason from suffering any more than he already was by having to do that job.

Me:  OH the board is broke?
Jason:  No it's working, they just have me out here today to bring a personal touch of customer service to everyone can I take your order my name is Jason.
Me:  Oh,  sure I need the biggest freaking container you can fit out your little window of coffee for the werewolf sitting next to me,  I need a strawberry bannana smothie for me,  and the kid in the back wants a plain mc griddle, orange juice, and apple slices.
Jason:  did you know we now have mango pinapple smoothies?
Me:  Shut the front door?  Dude I love that combo?  I wonder if I should get that?

Me:   uh oh somebodies car alarm is going off huh?
I turn around and woman that clearly would freaking die of emaciation if she did not immediately  cram some greasy food down her face hole was FUCKING HONKING AT ME  for ordering.   Then when she saw me look back ( because I thought a car alarm went off) she didn't just flip me off she gave me the good old entire forearm fuck you.
Me:  Jason,  is Piggy McFatnasty back there honking at us?
Jason:  Yes ma'ma
Me:  You know what Jason,  that makes me hungry, and I have A.D.D., I am completely distracted, and I can't see the menu board,  is there any way you can read me the entire menu,  I have forgotten what you have here, because I never eat fast food.
Jason:  (smiles)  are you serious.
Me:  yes Jason, I have a disability, it's very real, it's triggered by horns honking, it goes back to an old magic show where I was hypnotized as a child Thanks for helping.
Jason:   Combo #1 blah blah blah

My husband:  Stop being a bitch and go.
Me:  what does bitch mean? see I can't even remember..
My husband:  Look she probably didn't mean to honk
Me:  she honked?
Jason; Combo #2  blah blah blah
My husband:   seriously he has to deal with the hog face to face when we pull off.
Me:  fine.

Me:  Jason,  stop reading.  I know you have to be nice to McAttidue PigFace back there, but I want you to know something.
Jason:  Yes?
Me:  Some poor guy somewhere,  puts up with that nasty bitch constantly, you only have to deal with her until she finishes her order.
Jason:  you/'re the best customer I have ever had.

We pull to window 1 and pay, pull to widow 2 and get our food.  I ask for a manager and tell her that I think Jason is doing a fine job and let her know that he maintained his composer and customer service even though a rude twat was honking while he was trying to do his job.
Then I tell my husband I am pulling over and bet him $20 that the honking McFartknocker would have a Christian bumper sticker.  My husband told me I was on crack.

We watched old Tushy Tush get her McDoubleGrease Platter  she flipped us off and as she drove away her bumper sticker said,  " I let Jesus take the wheel"

ME:  but you kept the fucking horn?

Husband:  bitch here's your $20...





Lin said...

omg, this is hilarious!

Chunky Mama said...

GREAT post.
That Jason seems like a good guy.

The Reckmonster said...

I hope you SNATCHED that 20 spot out of the Droid's hand with a "Yeah...uh HUH...I TOLD YOUR ASS" look of victory! That shit is sooooo funny! But it's not really fair, bc you probably have psychic powers and shit after all of the crazy hospital procedures and whatnot. There's bound to have been some kind of whacked out dimension crossing of neurotransmitters... BTW, any idea what might be some good lottery numbers?

The Empress said...

This has to be the absolute BEST story I have read this week. I so wish there was photo!

Anissa Mayhew said...

Why does L even try anymore?

squatlo said...

Best post I've read in a LONG time! Funny as hell... Wish you had gotten out to discuss religious philosophy with the woman, that might have been even funnier.
'What would Jesus order? Fish, I'm thinking..."

Aimee said...

That was hilarious! Love how you asked Jason to read the menu board. Flippin' hysterical!

Found this post via ^squatlo^...think I'll have to come back again. :)

leslie (crookedstamper) said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I think I love you.