Friday, June 3, 2011

rubbermaid, whores and my local news

Dear local news.  You're a bunch of  fear mongering wretched whores.  I am sure you already knew that. I know you you hate me hence the time you actually to effort to freaking "contacted me" and ask me to stop commenting on your stupid freaking hourly moronic facebook status posts that are strikingly un-brilliant.

I complied because frankly, I know I can be on the slightly bitchy  logical  side sometimes and I realize there is no room for that when we have such important breaking stories every hour such as,  " a grain of sand was found in a councilmen's eye click here for more information."  ( never mind every other house is a crack lab)
This area is booming for tourism but the work here is pretty clear cut either you work manual labor or at NASA and we only report on sports because more people here work manual labor.  Hit your target audience. I get it.

But I do have to give you a hats of for hiring a couple chunkie chicks over the last couple years because hey,  the rest of the world still thinks "thin is in"  and that all women should like a 10 year old boy but clearly you hired chicks with curves and well these ladies  got more of them then a bag of gummy worms.

Now to the actual current issue.

Yesterday was the start of Hurricane Season.  I know this impart because a)  I own a pulse,  b) I live on the Gulf of Mexico, c) I actually have seen a calendar ( in a paper or digital format)  d)  I have an IQ higher than a cat turd on a stick and e)  I am not on crack.

You spent the entire day,  every 12 minutes between every show telling me it was the first day of hurricane season, with your awesome graphic.  Thanks.  Then at the 4 o'clock it was the lead story,  complete with NOAA,   Dr whogivesshits  and  Professor  Yourtotallyscrewed  predictions.  Of course they are all dismal and just like that relgious sect confirm that the end is near.

Lucky for me, you also told me the names of the storms that will surly kill me ( if the brain and heart don't)   and to make a hurricane kit.   Now if you don't live in the south, here is what my lovely county, salvation army, and FEMA says should go in a Hurricane Emergency Kit.

That's nice.   Can I say that Ponchos and Dust masks taste like shit no matter how much salt you put on them and hand sanitizer just does not get you as drunk as you would think it does considering the Alcohol per volume.

So  here's the deal, people tell me, " OMG how can you live where there are hurricanes????"   Well everywhere has natural disasters. Hurricanes are the ONLY one with a weeks notice.  Also they are the only one that you have enough time to leave the "strike zone".  There is a season it last from June 1 to Nov 30.  They like the warm water.  Usually the wave starts off the horn of Africa, cooks up in the Atlantic, hits some islands,  then Cuba, and if it gets in the Gulf well it just loves the shallow hot waters and backs on up and can catch the Gulf Stream and go East or West. ( that is why you go NORTH !!  NOT east or west).

So after watching everyone I know and love being homeless after Katrina except us ( my house sits at 100 ft above sea level).    My house was 14 months old when it hit.  We lost 2 roofs and 1 external wall our house was livable.  I learned a LOT,  but this thing in particular made me wish I didn't own a flat screen TV yesterday because I just couldn't figure out what would happen when I slammed my kids baseball bat through it.

True facts I learned from Katrina to prepared for Hurricane season, even if my Local news haven't figured it out.
~ Everyone needs a Hurricane kit and to stay aware during Hurricane 
~ The items listed above would be an awesome started kit for any emergency including one in your car or  a zombie attack.
~Hurricane Kits need to be water proof
~If your house blows away chances are you wont be able to find your fucking hurricane kit.
~What you need if you get slammed by a kick ass Hurricane like Katrina will not fit in a hurricane Kit.

3 new houses- 1 for me , 1 for my Dad and 1 for my Mom, plus all new documents, heirlooms and food.
Now that's a FREAKING hurricane kit !

or you could just do this one,  which I find so much less stressful.

Although you will probably end up using the one directly above it once you have used up this one.

So I made a real life, hands on, true dat, no holds barred actual realistic Hurricane kit check list.  It would probably work in most emergency situations, I am not sure, the only other natural disaster I have been in was some horrible tornado when I was a kid, and we owned a moldy skank basement..this is for my family of 3. You will need probably 3 tubs to do it right and they go in your car.  Go check out my stuff that should actually go in your hurricane kit for REALZ. Trust me by clicking here.

Until them I will trying to dig my snorkel and water wings out of the hall closet, while sending my husband emails on how to do things like, use a hammer..




BigMike said...

No WAY.. they did not call you.

Rachel said...

Anything with the word Whore in the title usually gets my attention.

I know when hurricane season starts too. Because it's my mom's bday and she thinks it's really cool that her birthday is the start of hurricane season. I think it's just very prophetic.

Chunky Mama said...

Wait, curvy chicks on TV? No way!!!
In L.A. the female news anchors are all plastic stick figures with Michael-Jackon-wannabe faces.

Biff Tanner said...

I want one now

Oilfield Trash said...

I didn't see condoms in that hurricane kit. hmm...

The Reckmonster said...

Well, Boomslang, you can officially cancel your reservations at any hotel and just bring your ass up to Chez Reckmonster if you are hoppin' in the 'van to escape the hurricane! All children, husbands, and furbabies are welcome. They can all hang out at the crib while you and I go chow down at my fave Thai restaurant looking for any of your long lost relatives. LMAO!!

Holly said...

Is it just me, or does $90 seem a bit steep for that Emergency Kit? I mean, yeah, it has the fancy logo printed on it, but it doesn't even have a radio.

LivingDeadNurse said...

they called you? Your famous! lol