Wednesday, February 2, 2011

You and your pale skin will doom the Earth.



THE FACTS I WILL REVEAL IN THIS SERIES WILL GET ME
COMMITTED,  PICKED UP BY HOMELAND SECURITY
IN THE HISTORY BOOKS 
AT LEAST UNTIL THE EARTH ENDS.
PART 3 OF THE MOST FUCKED UP  IMPORTANT SHIT YOU WILL EVER READ MAYBE!

As I revealed to you on Monday only me, (click here) Tom Hanks and Mel Gibson know the truth.  I am choosing to share it with you sans the stuffed beaver or best friend soccer ball head. 


I have spent   minutes,  hours, weeks, months,  years  researching the topic I am about to present you with and find that the following series will be the most fictitious conclusive argumentative  Scientific Study I have brought to you in at least a couple days, EVER.   The New York Times would  describes it as "Earth Shattering" and Wall Street Journal would say, " most enlightening series known to mankind."  if they were  tripping on LSD and buried in an under ground bunker with the only escape being writing what I say, they would probably have said that.


Just like a mommy logger giving away a $1.00 off coupon for huggies  first class national news programs.  I have the kind of dedicated dogs staff that will come through when it counts. This "BREAKING NEWS GRAPHIC"  should appear on your screen every 15 minutes as we flood you with utter speculation and misinformation  nothing but the facts. 




The series is broken down into bite sized dollops of  rancid  kempchi  separate points and post so that it is easier to read without vomiting,  comprehend.  

 On Tuesday I dazzled 2 of you with my awesome artistic abilities.  Yes 2.  I may be exaggerating, I might have only dazzled 1/2 a person but 2 people bothered to comment. ( Thanks Mom and Dad, your checks are in the mail, you probably wont want to try and cash them ever for a week or two, also can you guys spot me a " fiffie " till payday? thanks) Which totally makes the 46 hours I spent drawing that crap worth it.  ( you can click here to see what is apparently the equivalent of the digital bird cage lining, some of my best work ever)

Today on "As my shit spins out of Control":
We will cover Magnetic Pole Shifting

Here's the deal -  if you have ever done a science fair project, seen a science fair project,  had a science class after 2nd grade, or seen the movie "Core"  this wont be a surprise, but for those held captive in a buried bus ( that's you NY Times and Wall Street Journal reporters)  Here's a breakdown that even my couch cushion can understand.

The earth is sort of like a ball, but not the neato bouncy kind, but instead it's a boiling freaking magma center ball with tectonic plates and magnetic field. 




In other words we are a giant ass freaking magnet on the refrigerator door the solar system

Ack! So glad my stuff is SS.

Sadly I think Santa is going to have to move all his  stuff..
Earth is such a fickle whore how many poles does she need anyway?

  .  Now you have the general idea.  Do you know what I saw in an online newspaper about this? 
A "FREAKING PAID JOURNALIST" wrote the winner of my " I can't fucking believe you are allowed to feed yourself let alone get paid to write anything more than your name award for January 2011"





So let me break this down for you. In the most non inflammatory debate as possible in this situation.

A RUNWAY WORKS BECAUSE IT'S FLAT YOU DUMBASS.
The magnetic readings can be used by airports, nav aids, on-board systems and pilots to assist with computerized or hard landings HOWEVER.
EVEN IF ALL OF THOSE THINGS WERE BROKEN THE RUNWAY WOULD STILL DO IT'S JOB WHICH IS FREAKING LAY THERE AND BE FLAT!

I hope that sweet old lady wearing the graduation stuff didn't write that, I would feel bad she got robbed in the education car pool.  Nope it's an advertisement, one that would have been more effective if they would have put, " click here to get an opposable thumb thus making you 10 fold smarter than the twit we paid to cut and paste this article and then add 1 line of his own text which was completely idiotic.


Oh yeah,  the magnetic poles are shifting quite rapidly ( like 40 miles per year towards Russia?  I think the Earths magnetic poles want good vodka!)
Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle until it comes to a complete stop and the safety bar will raise automatically.  

You should probably start buying MRE's or canned food.  The shift in the magnetic core is a direct result of all the freaking piercings and gaging that those " goth", "emo", whatever all the kids that want to be "individuals so they do the same thing as the others is called". 

 WAY too much metal in 1 hemisphere. 
 Or it's making a liquor run to Russia. Either way, we now know.  
See 1 sentence and now you actually know the truth.  You are welcome.


XO
PEACH OUT


Here's what you have to look forward to in this 

FREAKING AWESOME
APOCALYPTIC SERIES

    • Major Earth Events ( including but not limited to:  Super Eruptions, Tommy Lee, Angry Birds, Magnetic Pole shifts, near earth objects)   ( done today)
  • I explain and clarify  The entire Mayan Calendar issue. (* today* over at BeingPeachy) DONE
  • Global Pandemics  (  including but not limited to:  Bird Flu,Swine Flu, Bieber Fever,, Cryus Virus, Zombies)    maybe later this ones way too obvious.
  • Global Warming ( including but not limited to: irony as we freeze right now, Carbon emissions of Martian Humvees)  ( it's too clucking fold to make jokes about this crap right now)
  • Alien Attack ( including but not limited to: Lady GaGa, Marilyn Manson Pluto, MIB, SETI, Sarah Palin)  My tinfoil hat is on backorder so this one has to wait.
  • A.I. ( included but not limited to: Daleks, Wall-E, Johnny 5, I-Robot, Transformers, smart phones) ( This will involve me drawing a lot and it appears that my drawings are like blogger leprosy so I am putting this off until I get my meds refilled.)
  • Black Holes & Colliders  ( including but not limited to: OctoMom, Flux Capacitors, Scientist that don't get laid)   {NOT OPTOMOM, the funky funny blogger we all love, she's not a black hole and I don't think she owns a flux capacitor,  this has to do with Nadia Whatsherfuckingface.)

9 comments:

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

We are doomed. Doomed I tell you.. DOOMED and as soon as I dig myself out of this freaking snow and ice I am heading south.. as in America. It doesn't snow there, right? I need a warm place w/o snow.

Oilfield Trash said...

I think I am going to open up a store that sells everything you ever need in one place. Think Home Depot, Walmart, Krogers, the liquor store, Academy, and Victoria Secrets all in one so I can profit off of the end.

The Reckmonster said...

Holy shit. And all this time I thought it was the fairies and angels who carried planes and gently set them down on runways. I'm all confused now. I need a drink. How many years till we actually "get" to Russia via the 40 miles/year? Maybe I ought to go ahead and hit up the liquor store today instead of waiting for that.

Miley said...

I am too confused by the fact that there is white shit falling out my window.
Is that magnet shavings falling from the sky?

Vinny C said...

I'm so glad that journalist clarified that it included runways used by pilots. I thought it was only limited to runways used by cruise ship captains & dog walkers. The more you know...

ThePeachy1 said...

@Holly- yeah you moved North, no one does that but the Palins, and we all know she is part of this apcolypse. Get back down here STAT.
@OFT- yes, but you have to let people order online ONLY and deliver to caves. your call but cut me in.
@ReckMonster- cobra sister, remember the pledge, do not wait or hesitate, liquor is always a good investment
@Miley- well I google earthed your place and it could be coke. but you would have to collect a big baggie of it and send it to me for analysis
@Vinny- yeah no shit, I am sure when that journalist isn't eating freaking cheetos in his parents rec room playing Halo, he writes hella accurate shit. Also do newspapers not have editors anymore? WTF?

The Tame One said...

So, if the magnetic pole is moving to Russia, does that mean its going to get even fucking colder in Indiana??

squatlo said...

your best.post.ever.!!!

Still laughing...

Okay, so we're pole dancin' our way around the magneto with 40 miles or so of variation per year. That means in another two thousand years we'll be upside down. Big deal! I know a pole dancer who can get upside down two or three times per song, and do it all while people are stuffing twenty dollar bills into the crack of her ass...

I don't care if they rename the runways after their kids, as long as they hit them with the round rubber things under the planes.

And Russian vodka is overrated.

The Reckmonster said...

I LOVE YOU, MANNNNNN!!! Your cobra sister has a leetle surprizzze for you:
http://michellelcsw.blogspot.com/2011/02/im-stylin.html