Tuesday, February 15, 2011

toilets and conspiracies or why we need take out in space.

This morning I went to get up and it was hard work.   If it weren't for my hybrid dalmatian rooster/alarm clock I could be dreaming about important stuff right now.
 So I fought the good fight and made it out of bed and into my chair where I parked my   Huge Lazy
adorable self so I could watch TV while I had my laptopWork. I mean truly I am really good at multi tasking.   But  I dropped the remote  was attacked out of no where, and it smashed on the floor and I had to bend over rescue it to get it and try to pop the batteries back in  repair it. Whatever.  It's raining. Wait no it's not. I really need my windows cleaned.  

How come when ever you hear a maid they say, " I don't do windows!".  If I were a maid I would be like, " I don't do toilets!"  because GROSS, wouldn't a window be a tad less gross to clean than a strangers toilet?
But I don't really have to worry about that because I very confident I will not be a maid.  It's not that I wouldn't, it's that I can't, I suck at cleaning y'all.  Really.   No shit, I just do,  I could be a cook? I mean if I had somebody to do the dishes or something.

You may be asking yourself, "self , how does this all relate in the grand scheme of things?"   I have answers. I have uncovered a conspiracy. Yes you heard it and now you are part of the AGBSCL . It stands for Anti Gravity Boycotting Sagging Conspiracy League.  (I wanted to call it the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen but since I don't know any gentlemen and I am a chick that wouldn't be smart, and if nothing else boy am I smart.  Because I figured all this out and only a smart person could.)  That's right Gravity we are on to you and your devious ways.  I know your the law and all that but laws were made to be broken.  I am all about breaking you buddy.

After a boatload of scientific type studies I have some pretty resounding facts.

Fact 1- Gravity makes it hard to get up in the morning, it actually tries to keep you in your warm cozy bed, which may seem all nice, but it's not. It's a plot to keep you from being productive, so all of gravities friends can get better jobs and steal your friends because you wont get out of your bed.

Fact 2- Gravity made the rain fall DOWN, down do you hear me people?  Thus causing puddles and mud and in some areas flooding. If it weren't for gravity we would not be having these issues.  It could rain up, and then voila no more gravity induced watery type issues.

Fact 3 - It is a proven fact that gravity hates all my technology devices. Including the remote I broke it attacked this morning. 

Fact 4 - This is probably the biggest and most important 1. I have factual scientific proof that gravity is trying to make me NOT sexy anymore.  That's  right, and chances are it's happening to you and possibly the people you love.

exhibit A - My boobs, my boobs that were once all bouncy and smexy  are slowly but surely turning into pendulous tripping objects. Yes I actually fear that one day I could trip on my own boob. This is bad people, I am not graceful anyway and throwing a boob in the mix well that just spells disaster. Did I mention that if I fail to sleep with a sports bra I may or may not have to wake my husband up and ask him to get OFF my boob?

"I could probably levitate easier with out Gravity.

My body in the eighties with parts where they are supposed to be

exhibit B- My butt.  I had a really cute butt. I mean like not quite junk in the trunk butt,  but the butt was in proper proportion and place in perspective of my former boobs.  However I have noticed that maybe my thighs aren't getting huge as much as my butt is dropping. At some point I may no longer be able to differentiate between the 2. This is a crushing blow.

 My saggy body parts after gravity

* Side note-  however my husbands butt, which was a nice butt, has now moved completely away. His has not dropped but instead appears to be moving around to the front near his naval, which scientifically means he sleeps on his side and thus gravity pulled his butt around.  This look was best described by my daughter who said, " Dad looks like a frog stood up and pulled on pants."   Clearly either gravity is discriminating against us based on sex or he is in league with gravity and not my league.  I may have to re-think dinner options for him if further evidence piles up against him.

frog butt


I have been worried about this entire gravity conspiracy thing for a while, and come to one conclusion. I have to move to space.  Have I ever told you how much I hate moving?  However if I lived in space I could turn my xbox up really loud when we play rock band because no one would complain.  Also No grass to cut. Hell to the yeah on that one.  I don't think there are bee's in space either which is yet another huge plus.  But the lack of ability to have take out for dinner may be a deal breaker.  So if there are any entrepreneurs out there might I suggest investing in space take out.  Right now that's the only thing holding me back.  Well that and GRAVITY... it's everywhere... ARG.

1 comment:

The Reckmonster said...

OMG...I think that your points about gravity may be somehow related to the apocalypse issues you've discussed. You are SO in the know!! Damned right you're smart. Shit. I'll get my news RIGHT HERE.