Thursday, February 24, 2011


I can't come to the internet right now because I am
a) dating the chick that felt me up at TSA
b) being probed by aliens
c) smuggling a water buffalo internationally
d) capturing the aurora boriealis in a jar
e) can't find the proper code to my time machine
g) getting fitted for my oscars gear because you guys don't know that I am actually nominated
h) doing Lindsey Lohans nails for her next court appearance.
i)  in the witness protection program because I am the one that cut Justank Beavers hair and now all the little girls want to kill me
j)  trying to help my Dr's and Surgeons put their kids through college and buy a yacht named after me
k)  in private meetings with Stan Lee in regards to my new super powers and working on my "comic book"
l) had all my electronics taken by homeland security since my 9 yr old emailed the president and Governor saying, I may just be a kid but this is American so you work for me,  do you wear a seatbelt?"
m) Brendan Fraser showed up and duct taped my husband in the hall closet so we could have alone time and I figured since he went to all that trouble it would be rude of me to blog in between make out sessions.
n)  got a ticket to Hollywood on American Idol and now I have to sing for big lips, big ass, and big dog.
o) actually re anacting every scene from the "Bourne Identity"  which involves a lot of  freaking false document  creation
p)  decided to start building a pool for spring, by digging with a spoon.
q) tried to duct tape my boobs up where they belong for a Mardi Gras ball and got my hand stuck to my boobs and can't get loose, but my boobs look awesome.
r) working out custody arrangements for my youngest kid with Bill Nye the science guy.
s) had to go back to stripping due to the economy and have been busy trying to find sparkley orthopedic stripper heels
t) caught a unicorn in my acme unicorn trap and he keeps zapping me with rainbow power from his horn every time I go near him
u)  am doing time in the big house because I ran naked onto a PGA Golf course and my boob hit a couple players now we are all doing the tour.
v) helping Brett Farves wife make sure he ends up completely broke and homeless with an IHOP waitress
w) on a super secret mission to resolve world peace in the middle east
x) trying to use Lady GaGa in my sons egg breaking science experiment
y) letting Charlie Sheen detox in my house which is hard since I have a lot of vodka.
z) feeling so inadequate after all of these awesome guest posters that I am rocking back and forth and questioning my abilities and worth.

So go read this guest post by a couple of my friends who clearly rock hard.




Oilfield Trash said...

Oh my this was a great post.

My favorite one was the one about helping Brett Favre's with make sure he ends up broke and with an IHOP waitress. LOVE IT.

Vinny C said...

Question about the unicorn trap. Did you have any left over parts after assembly? I think that might be where I went wrong. Ow...

Dazee Dreamer said...

you had me at Justank Beavers

The Reckmonster said...

Peach...your A-Z list had me ROLLING! I actually snorted a little bit of my Abita Strawberry Harvest Lager out...and I'm a little pissed bc that's good shit and I hate to waste it.

Will the pool be ready soon? Because I happen to love Matt Damon...and so I was thinking that maybe me and him and you and Brendan...pool party?!!!