Friday, January 21, 2011

Fasting is for Fava Beans

Last night a friend ( who actually has a real life)  sent this message to our little group of sickos.


"I hope you people realize that logging in here after just 5 minutes is like missing 1 episode of a soap opera,  trying to watch it for a week to figure out what you have missed and then realizing that some asshole has changed the channel" 


So I thought I would summarize the day with my brilliance but my brilliance was left in the refrigerator  in the form of a cheesecake that I could not eat BECAUSE I HATE TO FAST FOR THE DAMN BLOODWORK.



Dearest Stephanie, 





Clarice has 3 personalities and tried to kill me A FUCKIN GAIN. She aint knocked up a FUCKING GAIN but tried to use her fictional candian baby as a murder weapon on me, Her yard boy could have been the daddy, but she had angry sex with her husband for breakfast just in case, then Dawn who is really me, is showing up in my eyes at the dr's appointments so I have to go in and have fasting bloodwork in the morning and since I have the will power of a crackwhore I have to go to bed in like 2 seconds which means I will have no posts tomorrow on either blog but Dawns blood sugar is low because I am fasting and her eye is twitching because I am actually her. Dawn started talking about a website where she would sell sweaters for cats but that she would need to sell stun guns with each sweater because cats don't do well with " dressing" and then I knew that I should probably eat something, you know for Dawns sake.



You posted you went running which caused me to freak becasue I thought you were being attacked because no one would fucking run unless you were in mortal peril because that's just fucking insane and we all know Clarice has the damn Oscar awards on the insanity shit,  and you live on a little island?  hello?  shark bait? I mean really? right? but I couldn't figure out what your 911 number was so I just prayed to buddah ( because god is really pissed at me right now due to my post on the pits today yesterday) that you would be ok, and then I was told I was coming back as a cat turd when i die by the Dalai Lama which is freaky since he's dead but he came to me as a Unicorn and Jimmy Page was on his back so I believe him.




Clarice had this fucked up silence of the lambs conversation, and I think she is cooking fava beans in her kitchen right now to go with my liver. ( or Dawns) Poor Dawn, she's much closer to Canada than I am, but poor me, I am much closer to Alabama.  Which is worse in the grand scheme of things?  Having your liver eaten by Clarice or living next to an entire state that wants to kill you right now? 




Tiffanys stupid coworker thinks her middle name is actually "potatoe salad"  and we are getting her a fake ID in New Orleans this weekend we told her it was in Homage of her mothers Great Grandfather  General Polk Salad a famous Civil War hero. She is totally buying it and we told her that is why Tiffany has to have next Monday off as it's a Civil War Holiday. I am making up letter head and notarizing the letter from the sisterhood of the Northern Alliance of The Souther Civil War Leaders Holiday Association.




Then Steven Tyler called and said I was hot and that he liked my post on Being Peachy about him over on Being Peachy even though I said he looked like Janice Dickenson and Brendan Fraser got all jealous pissy which is totally not like him at all, then my husband came home and they gecko roman wrestled and it was fucking crazy. my dalmation won, but Ryan Reynolds got loose from the closet and defused the situation with a joke and we all had some cheesecake. 



So my bloodwork will be screwed up and I will get 52 new medications that will probably kill me and and Clarice will eat my liver which means Dawn will die too and no one will be around to back up Tiffany's story or call 911 when you fall off your damn island. I hope this catches you up, sorry you wont have anywhere to get a sweater for your cat or a stun gun.




xo


PEACH OUT


photo credit to cheezburger.com 

18 comments:

Marvi Marti said...

PRICELESS!!!! LOL!

darkside barbie said...

I'm going to make a cup of coffee, drink it and then come back to this one. I think there is a hidden message just waiting to be decoded.

Vinny C said...

Well, I don't know about Stephanie, but I'm totally in the loop now.

Oilfield Trash said...

Your blog should come with a warning "Do not drink anything whilst reading this blog or you will spit said drink out of your mouth from laughing"

squatlo said...

whew... Decaf, madam... decaf...

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Dawn sounds HOT and that's all I want to say about that... ;)

ThePeachy1 said...

@marviMarti- loved your vlog yesturday !, @darksidebarbie, once you decode this meet me by the redbarn when the blue owlflies.@vinny I was so worried I would leavesomething out but I am glad you got it stephanie, whoops, I mean Vinny, @OilFieldTrash- dude like you got room to talk?I am so glad I have leather furniture when I read your stuff. @squalto- can you believe I have never drank a cup of coffee ( or done crank) in my life? yeah neither can my shrink. @midwesternmamah- you just want a discount on her catsweaters I know you alrady have a stun gun or 2.

The Reckmonster said...

Peachy, you know I loves me a cobra sistah, but seriously - I am lost like a little white chick in a thai supermarket. HAHAHAHA! I'm going to chalk this up to fasting...I know that when I don't eat, and my brain has to pull nutrition from my ass cells, I can confuse a lot of mofos too. XO!

Miss Nikki said...

Stephanie sounds like a real bitch!

ツ my cyber house rules

ThePittsofBeingPeachy said...

@reckmonster, if my brain pulled from my ass I would split atoms make a renewable energy source, cure all disease, have the IRS apologize and give back all my money, rid the world of war invent a self cleaning house, teach men to please women, dogs to fold laundry all before I made martha stewart and oprah jello wrestle for pennies on urine soaked streets of nola. IN 1 day, before lunch, after sleeping in. my ass is that mighty mighty.

ThePittsofBeingPeachy said...

@ NIkki- I love you baby, why you gotta go hating on Stephanie, it's not like she lives on a wonderful tropical island she lives on a crappy crime riddled smog infested island, sure her view is nice but that's because it's the ocean, if she turns around she see's DESTRUCTION. Plus I am sure her island is doomed to sink into the ocean soon, so maybe her cat needs water wings instead of a sweater?

Venom said...

Tyler's blubbery lips were like kissing a rotten banana.

er... so I've heard.

ThePittsofBeingPeachy said...

BAWAHAHAH. @ Venom- I could see that, since they are like not well toned and kind of mushy. also I know that was you backstage at that concert. I remember it all quite clearly now.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Are you sure Stephanie is not another one of your identities??!! ;-)

ThePeachy1 said...

Positive. Stephanie runs, is healthy and does all kinds of athletic stuff. Plus she lives on an island. I live on a peninsula. BIG difference. Now Dawn, Dawn could be me. I mean if I lived in another state and was buried under snow or even remotely liked cats.

squatlo said...

errr, Peach? Is there an place where we can go to sign up for this class where you teach men how to please women? (See, no one goes down there with us when we learn how to do this stuff, we're on our own. It's dark and lonely work. And you know women won't tell you if you're screwing up or not... like Kinneson said, "They'll tell their mom, they'll tell their sisters, they'll tell their best friends, but THEY WON'T TELL YOU!")

It's not that we don't want to learn, you know? If there's a Rosetta Stone for the hieroglyphic-like maze conflicting signs women post for us to decipher, I'd love to have a copy!
Something tells me you and the Reckmonster could take turns behind the lectern and we'd all benefit greatly...

ThePeachy1 said...

@squalto- as long as we are not taking turns behind the speculum I think it's all good. But questions such as these ( along with how to get unicorn poop stains out of your new scarf) are the reason that the Non Advice column exists on BeingPeachy. I will happily have my staff ( dog) forward your request to my other personality. Where it will get thrown into the pile of other requests for advice that I fake answer on every Tell It Tuesday.

The Tame One said...

YOU have an award waiting for you my dear. http://thetameone.blogspot.com