Thursday, January 20, 2011

Dear Heathens of Alabama and Miss Arkansas I am a setting up a refugee camp

DEAR HEATHENS OF THE SOUTH.  
PLEASE DO NOT PANIC.
 I AM HERE FOR YOU.


In some un fucking fathomable parallel universe a judgmental person who thinks he has the right to take his personal interpretation of a human interpretation of what a ( possible) Omnipotent beings wishes are and then use them to pass his own personal judgement on you publicly.

SHOCKER!

This is not rare, it happens every second of every day in nearly every culture, in fact nearly every war in history on this planet was fought on some variation of this basic principal, even if veiled behind another " front cause. But this HUGE DINGUS KHAN, is an elected official, who did it during his inaugural speech on of all days- 

  Dr Martin Luther Kings Holiday which celebrates UNITY.

Just in case you have been, held hostage in a cave,  in a submarine  busy being probed by aliens,  out of touch,  here's what the elected representative ( Governor) of the people of the had to say to the people he was elected to represent ( in Alabama);
 “Anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I’m telling you, you’re not my brother and you’re not my sister, and I want to be your brother.”

I probably don't even need to point out how that pretty much excludes anyone who does NOT believe in not ONLY in his specific deity but indeed that his specific deity had an illicit affair with a virgin that is against his own rules and then didn't pay child support the kid was homeless. (it din't end well read the book, theres like 7 versions)

Wow.   Ok.  Wow.  Excuse me for a second while I go bang my face on a 2x4 that I have driven rail road spikes through because my dalmatian just facepalmed and asked if we could possibly move farther away from Alabama.   I woke up this morning to find out that the cat who is a bitch had simply packed her shit and already left leaving only a note saying, don't contact me this is far too humiliating.  Finally I agree with her.

So let me get this straight.  We have a delay so stuff like a star spangled nipple pasty on Janet Jackson doesn't slip out  in public but shit like this CAN just fly from his mouth like he's a direct Representative of GOD on earth here to pass out judgement like he knows all these dead birds and magnetic pole shifts are indeed the sign of the apocalypse? ( wait . shit. I should call him and check on that maybe later)  

Is this dude related to Miss Arkansas?  I mean really? I saw that "scholarship show" ( because smart people need high heels that match their bikinis too y'all)  and guess what.   That poor girl doesn't have a friend on this big blue marble.  You know how I know this?     THIS is how I know this.  Exhibit A
UGLY ASS sequin jumpsuit. and yodeling Ventriliquist dummies.
So basically she has no friends.  A friend says, " you have brocolli in your teeth, yeah that dress makes your ass look huge, or NO THAT TALENT IS STUPID AS HELL AND YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. " Really they let this poor girl go on a National show with what is equal to having a fist sized boil on her nose and massive camel toe. 

Which leads me back to Alabama Governor Mc Doucheydouche.  
He has no real friends.  Real friends would go, " Dude, I respect your relationship with your higher power, I also am proud of you for getting elected to this political position,  but since it's 2011, and there's this new thing called separation of church and state, I know totally freaking crazy right?,  also?  it's MLK day, and  your not going to believe this but we don't really have gun control, and they invented this new shit called the internet so if you do indeed go ahead do your usual asshattery it's going to go viral in seconds, I accept that you have the judgement of that dead armadillo we passed on the way to the stage full of press microphones, so I went ahead and edited your speech just a tad so you wont set our state back to circa 1914, because I love our state, and you, that's what friends are for man."


BAM- NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.    BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE A FRIEND.
or a speech writer,   ( but I bet he has 1 of those things now, guess which 1)

In lieu of the obvious need for all heathens to evacuate the great noble state of Alabama,  I as a neighboring southern state will go ahead and set up a Heathen refugee camp.   It wont be pretty but refugee camps aren't supposed to be.   You will need to bring your own potted meat, road kill or peanut butter ( yeah peanut butter was invented there folks pay homage now ) your own pillows and toilet paper.

Directions-  Simply  Turn your back on the Alabama Governors Mansion and start walking toward the BP Oil Spill,  stop just before you smell the waft of urine soaked streets and Jazz Music. 

Or we are gluing these over all the yard sale signs we can find along the way. 

If re-incarnation is real I think at best I am currently looking at cat turd status




xo
PEACH OUT





11 comments:

Velva said...

There is nothing better than a blogger that is pissed off and who has writing ability too. Great post.

Oilfield Trash said...

You should not be shocked by what that idiot said. Politicians of the "south" have never been known for being smart.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

I thought stupid politicians were in fact only limited to the South... THEN.. we moved to Ohio. OY!!

squatlo said...

Whoa, wait a damn minute... you're telling the ventriloquist lady that a camel toe is a bad thing? In what alternate universe is that true??? I've joined a support group that is lobbying clothing manufacturers across the globe to make that feature the next big thing...

We have to cut the Gov some slack, Peachyone, he was born in Alabama, you see... that qualifies as a birth defect, and surely you know we shouldn't criticize someone for having a birth defect. If his parents weren't related this probably wouldn't have happened, but hey, you can't pick your parents.

As they say in Alabama, "You can't expect a booger every time you pick your nose."

I'm sure they'll help him with his sermons from here on out.

Moooooog35 said...

For the record, I'm all for Janet Jackson nipple slips.

I don't think I paid much attention after that.

meredithblumoff said...

i have never wanted to leave my country as much as i have recently -- and i hate that. i haaaaate it. but years of trying to change it have kicked me down.

fuck you, governor mcdouche. i don't have any conciliatory words left.

bacarde said...

Well I missed the cameltoe..will have to look for that...
I guess the Governor whilst speaking at the King Memorial Baptist Church, probably felt he was amongst peers..but he really should have thought that comment thru..
Enjoyed the post...

pattypunker said...

amen sista! ps: what kind of coffee do you drink? i need some of your energy and exhuberance!

Chelle said...

YMCA. Gold.

The Reckmonster said...

Oh shit. The gubner of Alabama wants to be my brother? Save me a spot in the heathen refugee camp. I'ma be tossin' my empties 'cross the state line. I think I'll wear my Buddha amulet.

Opto-Mom said...

Ok, so you're telling me to put my red sequin jumpsuit in the back of the closet, right? Let me know when it's back in season.

Also, the female dummy (not Miss Arkansas...the little one) is the most unattractive doll I've ever seen. Maybe she would have won if she had a prettier doll....just sayin'.