Yesterday I had another run in with a D2D. For those of you not aware that's a Door 2 Door Salesman.
I used to try to be patient, and kind, because I live so far out in the country that if you are doing this on foot, who ever dropped you off hates your guts and wants you to get eaten by dogs or die of exposure.
But over the last 5 years a new bread of D2D has developed. The buy this meat from my truck guy. Yes A guy drives up to my front door in a Truck and tries to convince me to spend a couple hundred bucks on frozen meat.
I will wait a second and let that sink in, door to door meat salesmen. Yeah not at all hot, not at all cool, they are always driving super expensive personal trucks and speak like snake oil salesmen. So here's my question, " how fucking desperate do you have to be to be a door to door meat salesman in the rural deep south?"
Wouldn't it be safer to clean tiger shit at the zoo while wearing a a porterhouse suit?
Or try to sell doughnuts at a Weight Watchers Meeting?
Seriously these people must be freaking nuts. You need to know this, when I am presented with someone who is clearly nuckin futs I will raise the bar.
They never win. I have actually developed an entire new response just for them.
This will provide you with much laughter, and keep you off any D2D list that may be floating around.
You need the following simple 4 household items:
Is it fitting together for you yet? Take the red paint, get some on the apron, and some on the gloves and some on the knife you never intend to use again.
Store in a hall closet near the front door.
When the doorbell rings, slip on this "D2D readiness gear" over whatever you are wearing.
Fling open the door and use my fail proof line.
' PERFECT TIMING. SO GLAD YOU SHOWED UP, THE PESKY NEIGHBOR WE'VE BEEN EATING HAS RUN OUT, AND I AM DYING TO TRY THAT NEW DEEP FREEZE, ARE YOU ALONE?"
Only once did a person not walk backwards or run, and that person was literally frozen in fear and still trying "outsell" me on his meat. I kept saying, how did you find me? Did anyone see you pull in? Are you being followed? Won't you come in? Please don't mind the mess I was making room in the freezer."
Once he got the hints, he took off or his truck as fast as his portly little ham hocks would carry him.
So I give this gift to you. The gift of finally knowing how to run off the D2D people. We all know the sign is nothing more than a challenge to them.
Go forth and have fun, remember they came to your door.