Sunday, May 1, 2011

completely NON PC

First you must know this is Non politically correct as are 99.999999% things on this blog,  if you don't like that go to Being Peachy that's like 47% PC, or Disney that's like 54% PC.

Second-  whenever a conversation turns to natural disasters I say give me hurricanes,  even after living through so many I pick those because you have like a weeks warning.  NO OTHER natural disaster do you get that kind of warning. As a military brat ( kid) and then spouse ( retired)  I can pack and move an entire house and 3 kids, 2 dogs, 1 cat, 2 fish, a hamster, and a hermit crab in 2 days to another country. Bob knows I can snatch up our hurricane kit and everything that matters  along with booking a hotel room,  getting 60 days of prescriptions,  fill up gas cans, prime a generator, and get us all hauled up to a hotel which we call a vacation on the Weezie Jefferson Plan,  " Movin on Up".  You always head North !  Because if you go East or West,  the sucktastic storm will surfire track your ass and swing that way.  You head NORTH,  NORTH, do you hear me new-commers? NORTH.   You have a  weeks notice to go at least 4 hours NORTH!     But it appears each person loves their regions natural disasters as long as they didn't just have one. I guess it's like giving birth, the shitty memory fades just enough for you to tolerate it.


So on my facebook wall there was this big debate and somebody in the central US said Oh I will stick with Tornadoes and after the massive tragedy that just struck the South East I am like NO WAY!  Then a Hawaii friend was all, " Volcano's are cool"  I was like are you shitting me lava sucks as Pompeii.  Then my  East Coast person chirped in with " Earthquakes are easy" ( I think she meant Barbie)

The only one of those I have dealt with ( other than hurricanes is the Tornadoes.  Can I throw in a big fat - TORNADOES SUCK ASS. Seriously as a kid I remember running to the old lady closet smelling basement which was kind of fun, and by fun I mean it was fun until the train noise made our house fall down on the basement and we had to get dug out.  They didn't have sirens but it busted into my cartoons and I told my mom and we had like 10 minutes to get in there.  It was a fucking miracle my mom was sober enough to fall down the stairs rather quickly since I lured her with a slow gin fizz.  Repeat- TORNADOES SUCK ASS !  My husband, The Droid was an Old time Tornado Chaser/Reporter in OKC.  No thanks.  I like the weeks notice thing. If you get hit by a hurricane.  Sorry it's your choice, let me say it again A FUCKING WEEKS NOTICE.

So then my brain ran off in the non PC direction and I came up with these questions for the earthquake people.

1-If you are having shitty sex,  and there is an earthquake, does the sex get better?  Would that make you think it's good and then would you give them another shot? Is it like the old Motel beds with "magic fingers"?  Where you slip a quarter in for the " good stuff?" Thus leading to a fake higher sexual rating.

2-If there is an earthquake and you jump on an unbalanced washing machine  does it counter act the earthquake thus making you think there is no earthquake? If so shouldn't you invest in a laundry mat?  or live near one?

3-If you have Parkinsons do you even know there is an earthquake?

4-Do Smoothie shops  save on their electric bills when there is an earthquake because their shit gets all shaken up for free?

5-Japan has been washing nuclear waste into the ocean since that huge earthquake.  What is the incubation period for Godzilla?



**  disclaimer-  I have the utmost respect and heartfelt sympathy for the people of Japan, the way they have handled themselves after this huge tragedy, also the people suffering from Parkinsons. So if you feel the need to flame me you are so totally wasting your time.  I wont care, unless you have Parkinsons and you happen to be  Godzillas mom and live in the Nuclear Power Plant in Japan while outrunning lava.  Honestly you don't want to play the pity or  card with me right now. Trust me.**


Al Penwasser said...

I don't know if I'm a kindred spirit, but this is some funny stuff! Or, in the words of Larry the Cable Guy, that's funny, I don't care who you are. By the way, my first mother-in-law was Godzilla's mom.
I grew up in the North. I knew that, after watching The Wizard of Oz, I would NEVER move to Kansas. Not only was it black and white, there were all those frikkin tornados!

Oilfield Trash said...

Great stuff. Love how you threw in Godzilla.

Life Lessons said...

By life lessons and deleted by accident because I am MONDO dillweed
Peach, I'm with you. Been in tornadoes and they suck dirty old man balls. You're a rock star!
By Life's Lessons on completely NON PC at 6:29 PM

roughneckturtle/Jeff C. said...

Tornadoes are cool, as long as you ain't gettin hit by one. Personally, if I had my choice of bad weather, I'd choose a light rain. Other than that, all natural disasters can kiss my ass.

The Reckmonster said...

I totally agree - having lived in FL and having gone through hurricanes - 'tis much easier to "prepare" or to get the heck outta dodge when a hurricane is headed your way. Don't ever want to experience an earthquake or get melted by lava from a volcano or freeze to death in a blizzard. And tornadoes are just scary because of the "OOOOOH SHIIIIIIT" lack of time factor. I"m with you - Hurricanes: The preferred natural disaster.

P.S. YOU? Non-PC??? Neverrrrrrr...

vickilikesfrogs said...

Oh to the double em gee. Marry me, Peachy. I love you SO FUCKING MUCH!

Unknown said...

You're right about tornadoes they are crazy and they happen like with no warning. I like in Oklahoma too, in Altus, Oklahoma. My daughter still lives in OKC, small world.

Best way to survive a earthquake is to sit on an unbalanced washer..