Thursday, May 19, 2011

Welcome to the family, finally....

Dear House-

I remember when I used to dream about you. Living in a camper with my kids working 2 jobs and going to college.  

I remember going through tons of blueprints, looking for what would become our home one day. 

I remember planning in advance so the house would ALWAYS work for us. ( because nursing homes always smell like poo)

I remember when you were being built and how I told everyone that I just wanted you done, and then they would have to pry the keys from my dead hands to get me out, using a couple tow trucks.

I remember picking out furniture that would make each room "just right"  and when we ran out of money and credit dropping into Guidos rent to own.

I remember allowing each kid to actually paint and furnish their own rooms ( finally)  ( see huge mistake).

I remember how I wouldn't let the Droid mount a dish on you or put an antenna up on you because for a Geek he can go all Jed Clampet

I remember how you let me sleep in my daughters room the first 2 weeks she was gone to college and her bed wraps around you like a burrito shell.

I remember how proud I was that I had double equity in you over your debt because I did things the right way,  boy was that glory short lived

I remember you taking a beating during a 2005 hurricane season.  That's when I found out you didn't have wood under your siding, and your chimney was toe-nailed on by 3 nails. 

I remember the kids being proud to bring their friends to see you because it wasn't a camper and there weren't any wheels under you or anything.

I remember hearing a violin, a trumpet, drums, and singing bellow from the upstairs, which was torture beyond all belief sort of like a bag of kittens being beaten with a hammer.

I remember the first hole in our wall and the time I flooded the master suite and closets so bad we had to tear out the carpet, the "first " time I flooded it.  why has no one invented a your shit is about to overfill alarm ( consider that idea copyrighted as of this second people)

and now you are just a filthy  banged up in need of attention money sucking, upside down huge mortgage having pain in my ass.

I am so glad you stopped out shinning me and decided you wanted to be more like me.  every level of fucked up.

Welcome to the family you big piece of shit.

No idea who to credit for this since a reader sent it to me. Thanks you rock,
Also did you notice we make our house wear the red shirt on  away missions, heh. stupid house.




Rachel said...

Yes. I have a love/hate relationship with my house. I love that it's mine. My space. I hate that there's a house in the other side of the development listed for $70K less than what I paid for mine.

Oilfield Trash said...

I have a relationship like that with my rent house.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

First of all.. the fact that you know red uniforms are for away missions ....... what?!

Secondly...okay after that there really is no second.

Chunky Mama said...

Love the picture.

The Empress said...

And to think I hate my apartment every time the Tweedles come in and jack something up worse than before they started. If I had a mortgage on the place I'm sure I'd go ballistic. Hang in there ...or perhaps consider blowing the place up. Accidentally of course.

The Reckmonster said...

My house is "in training" to become a permanent member of the family. Said "training" includes allowing the 7 year old hooligan to slam doors "open" so hard that he knocks holes in the wall where the door knob hits it. Or my permanently scratchng the porcelain trying to "snake" the commodes when my son dumps a load in that's too large to be handled with a regular plunger. Yeah. Good Stuff. "Character Building." Can't be in the family till you're a bonafide character!! LMAO! Loved this post!!

Marian said...

this was really nice to read. i like your blog.

Opto-Mom said...

They make a water alarm you can put near leak or flood prone areas. Get them at the hardware store for a lot cheaper than re-flooring your entire house.

By the way, your house looks sexy in red!

Laynee said...

One day I will have that feeling about a house. I just hate/love my apartment. Oh! You have an award at my place.