Sunday, May 15, 2011

A nut in the hand is better than 2 in the Bush

You know what's NOT awesome?   A fucking heart attack.   Oh yeah other things suck, like a flat tire, being late for work or a speeding ticket.   But I have to tell you guys, a heart attack ranks right up there with an IRS anal probing and shit.

Here's a quick run down.

  • Tuesday Morning I had a heard attack.
  • I drove myself to the E.R. after I posted, answered emails, showered, fed the dogs, and moved the clothes to the dryer.
  • The military E.R. Dr is a fucking douche and actually had the fucking balls to say that since I drove myself, walked in, and was telling jokes that he didn't think I had a heart attack it was probably a panic attack. ( do people tell jokes when they have panic attacks? I ask since I have never had one and should know in case I do have one so I don't bother any cocky E.R. Doctors.)
  • 5 minutes later the same Dr was helping cut off my clothes when my fucking blood work and tests showed I had a heart attack, now whose panicking bitch.
  • The Military base has a lot of Dr's but unfortunately only 1 of their heart Doctors went to the last 2 weeks of school, and he happened to be on vacation.  Go fucking figure.
  • The ambulance that came to take me to Civilian hospital was super cool, but the driver had a horrible stutter and The Prince thought the ambulance guy was kidding and kept giggling and I had an O2 mask on and an IV so I couldn't tell him to stop or grab him and it was like my husband didn't notice. So now I have to fucking make cookies or shit for that poor ambulance guy, even though he didn't say anything I was like FUCK, I can't die cause The Prince has no clue he's being totally NON PC right now. Damn it.
  • I should have eaten dinner Monday night or breakfast Tuesday morning before I went to the E.R. because I was NPO until Wednesday night and that sucked big and hard. 
  • Wednesday at noon I met my heart surgeon he was like 5'4 and Italian, and seemed super cool, he said he was sure my heart was awesome and he was just going to drive the camera up to take a peak. I know that was code for I want to see if your carpet matches your drapes.
  • I have a weakness for Italians.  So I was like sure baby, I mean Dr Olive whatevs.. wink wink.
  • I tweeted-  "gotta go I am going down"
  • apparently when people know you are in the hospital for a heart attack, you shouldn't use the words, "I'm going down"...   it caused quite the freak out.  whoops, my bad. 
  • I was totally fucking awake in the cath lab.
  • I told them I was totally fucking awake in the cath lab
  • All 3 nurses and the anesthesiologist ignored me when I told them repeatedly I was awake in the cath lab.
  • The have clear plastic things that come up over your arms from the shoulder down to your wrists on the table so that you can't move them in the cath lab.
  • Those would work great if you weren't awake in the cath lab.
  • I screamed in the cath lab when they clamped the drape to my stomach skin before they cathed my heart in the cath lab because I was FUCKING AWAKE.
  • When the little Italian Dr walked up to my right side to start the procedure in the Cath lab I mentioned I was awake and even said he didn't need to cath my heart because if I had a heart condition I would be having a FUCKING HEART ATTACK SINCE I WAS FUCKING AWAKE IN THE CATH LAB.
  • I felt the Dr grab up a chunk of my groin near my lovely lady bump and I said hey baby I been telling your people I am wide freaking awake here, please don't cut me I can feel everything.
  • then he cut me and I was wide awake.
  • The clear plastic things to hold your arms down probably sounded like a good idea in theory.
  • The Dr screamed, " She's got me"
  • The nurse screamed it's not sterile.
  • The anesthesiologist said, "wait, she's awake"
  • No fucking shit home pickle.  I hope the heart Dr punched the anesthesiologist in the dick.  
  • Right after he took the frozen peas off his popped nut.
  • I hope he already has kids, if not, sorry man, but you shouldn't cut a bitches groin until she is knocked out.  That hurts. mkay?
  • I lived. I'm home. Surgery was on my daughter Sam-I-am's Birthday, then she Graduated from her University on Friday,  ( of course I went, it totally rhymes with complete bedrest)  
  • Droid has restricted my online time, yet still wants clean clothes and food,  I can type from bed...  somethings seriously wrong with this picture.
That's it.  Now you know.  Thanks to all who loved up on me and my bruised groin and shit.....  you rock.



Here are some of the get well posts/cards I have gotten, thanks guys, ya rock.

JC Little of @littleanimation

Absence of Alternatives of @SubWow

The ReckMonster of @ReckMonster

Vicki of @VickiLikesFrogs

Holly of @MidWesternMamaH


Chunky Mama said...

Holy shit.
All of that is really fucking scary.
I am so so so happy you are alright.
Big hugs to you, and to your kids who I am sure you scared the shit out of.
Take it easy, Peach. OK??

SarcasmInAction said...

You made your heart attack story kinda funny.
And scary.
I'm so glad you're on the mend.
Take care of yourself.

vickilikesfrogs said...

If I ever had any doubts about your crazy-bitch ass (which I didn't!) this cleared it all right up! Only YOU can make being awake while they cut you up sound funny! It's like a freakin' Saw movie, only funnier. Did you really grab that doc's nuts?? I hope so. That would be so awesome!

Glad you're ok, Sandi-girl. You had us all scared there for a minute. DON'T DO THAT SHIT ANY MORE.

The Reckmonster said...

I love that you were so fucking AWAKE during the cath procedure yet nobody heard you until you had to take to the nutsack level. Did they think you were just talking in your sleep (Cue The Romantics: I hear the secrets that you keep...when you're talking in your sleep! - oh , except when you say that YOU'RE AWAKE DURING A CATH PROCEDURE!!!!)

I'm glad you're okay. And I say, hire a maid for this "bed rest" period to cook, clean and wash clothes. Stay your ass and blog and read emails and surf italian hottie cardiologists on the 'net!
Love you Boomslang!!!!

Oilfield Trash said...

I am still praying for you!!!!

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Im so glad you made it after all you Mary Tyler Moore you!! LOVE ME SOME PEACHY ..... THE PITS TOO!!

Anonymous said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry so I'm def rocking it and doing both, while at work, without water proof mascara. I look hawt. I am so beyond glad that you are ok!

Miss Rosie said...

OMG! I can't believe you were awake for all that, it must have been horrible. Praying for you to have a speedy recovery.

squatlo said...

That HAS TO BE the funniest hospital/ER/heart attack story ever written!

You, ma'am, are too funny to be having heart attacks... and personally, I just want to go on record as being against any repeat performances. If, however, your heart insists on these assaults, I highly recommend you let someone else do the laundry, feed the dogs, and drive you to the ER. Just sayin', on behalf of folks driving the other direction on the same roads, it might be wise to delegate that part of the journey.

I'm in awe of your work, your spirit, and most of all your incredible sense of humor.

Glad you're back!!!

BigMike said...

WTF I would have gotten physical WAY before that!


Damn Peach! A heart attack? Dammit I'm just glad you're doing okay and are here for all the madness!
Rock on dammit, rock on!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

OMG! You were awake!!!! Joking aside, that must have been extremely terrifying (otherwise they wouldn't have made that movie about a similar situation right?!) and must have been painful. I am so sorry baby. And you know what? Love for you further confirmed 'cause OMG I totally would have freaked out because my kid was being un-PC and I had no way of correcting him. We both are very good at setting priorities. LOL.

So glad you are doing well. Let just quote Anita again, "NOT dead FTW!"


pattypunker said...

jesus christ! what a thing. i'm so glad you're on the mend, baby girl. your sense of humor never checks out! love that about you. you're so strong. we've all missed you, but please rest. we can wait for a good thing.

laughingmom said...

Glad that you are getting back to (ab)normal! Get rest, eat, drink, and be Peachy!

Opto-Mom said...

Next time you are awake during a groin slashing, start singing some Metallica in your opera voice, complete with headbanging.

Also, LMFAO at "home pickle."

Greg said...

I'm glad that you are OK, and good job grabbing a hold of the Docs nuts. When he screamed that you had a hold of his nuts hope you ignored him like he ignored you.

As former military, of twelve years I can relate to your experience.

Anonymous said...

Brand new to you (saw the tribute to you at Absence of Alternatives), but wanted to say "hi". Glad you made it through such a harrowing experience with your life and your sense of humor intact and with a bit of your doctor's balls under your nails. Way to go!! Oh, and, yes, people having panic attacks do joke about them. As do people who have had mild heart attacks. That ER doctor was just a dumb ass.