Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Make my ATM talk dirty to me.- SAM I AM

In honor of the fact that my first born gets her 3rd degree ( which means the kid has shit tons of debt in a crappy economy and it's all my fault for making her go to college)  THIS FREAKING FRIDAY!   I thought it would be super cool to bring back some posts from her.

So here,  like it, love it, revel in her fucking genius.  She didn't learn this shit in college people.  Also tomorrow is her birthday.  Send her money, and super powers.


So there I was for the first time in my life SPEECHLESS....

See my 21 year old daughter had come home from college for a couple days, and we had to run by the banks for her. Yes I said the banks. Because apparently not only is my daughter a better person, a smarter person, a more sober person, she is also better with money, so much better that she uses 3 banks. Yes 21, putting herself thru college, and 3 banks. All with money in them? WTH?  How did this happen?  I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth here people, I support her success  whole heartedly I mean she is the one who will pick out and probably pay for my nursing home in a few years.

I don't know maybe she took my philosophy on how to be an adult, " just do the opposite of your parents". It seemed to work for me. I mean I got a kid in college, paying her own way legally and stuff and wow, she has all these bank accounts and no debt.. ( I know again with the WTH?).

If you have been reading along you have seen my praises about my daughter, and how she is so on track with the non drinking and non dating and not wanting to get distracted until she is done with college and secure with herself and  blah blah blah, basically the complete opposite of everything I did. Which was advance drinking 303, right before I changed majors 3 kabillion and five times before dropping out to become a proam drinker just a mere semester prior to the degree.  But alas life on the road was too much and I settled down.

So as we pulled up to the last bank she didn't need to go in she used the ATM and it asked her enough questions to determine the  color of her under garments and she was getting steamed.  Then it took too long to print out the receipt.   She the did the unthinkable as she jerked the harmless little piece of paper out.  She cursed at the ATM.


I said in my best Mommy voice, " Honey you know you're on tape when you use those ATM's ?"

She looked at me with a look like I had just insulted her intelligance then turned to the machine and started.

" To whoever is watching this.  As much as I pay you to babysit my money, as much as I pay you in your  fees, you need to know this.  I cussed at your machine. I didn't punch it, but I can. As much of my money as you suck away without providing me at the very least a human with a substandard IQ  to deal with I should be able to slap your machine around, and your machine should talk dirty to me, instead of just words on a screen I should get to select the voice and accent and an option to choose the level of filth I complete my financial transaction in.  In fact, I want to feel like I need a drink when I leave this ATM, I want it to be so Raunchy my ATM has a safe word. That would be customer service worth paying for."

She then drove away as if nothing had just happened.

Ok she is totally my daughter... and I want to be her when I grow up.

 dirty servant atm

That's my girl.



Minxy said...

Hysterical! I want that sort of customer service from MY bank too! :o)

Oilfield Trash said...

Hilarious. IF you can get the ATM's to throw in a reach around or happy ending, I would vote for it.

Life's Lessons said...

As I hold my hand over my heart, I vow to work at being like your daughter!

Mags said...

Its scary that your daughter sounds a little bit like me. BWA-HAHAHAHA! Even tho most ATM surveillance is silent, I imagine she got her point across rather well. ;-)

The Reckmonster said...

Oh, I can TOTALLY see the apple/tree thing going on there (as much as you try to dispel it with your attempts to regale her successes in life as the 180 degree opposite of you!) - that kid is YOURS YOURS YOURS - which means you are BOTH fan-freakin-tabulous!! Congrats to Sam...and a Happy Birthday too!!!! XOXO

Opto-Mom said...

So she's not turned on when the ATM asks if you want to continue in English or Spanish?

And congratulations to the fabulous Miss Sam!!!

Tux said...

I just heard about your health trouble. All the best from a Canadian reader!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Yes she is your daughter. And yes I want to be her too when I grow up. (I mean, when I invent that time machine and go back in time and stuff...)

Happy Birthday Sam. Your mom's being home to continue to drive you crazy has got to be the best birthday present ever, right?! xxoo to you both. Strong women. Forces of nature. We need more of these in this world.