Goats who stare at women

I have never blown up a goat. ( shut up I haven't)  Recently I finally saw the movie " Men who stare at Goats" and  I wanted to punch my TV  admire the genius behind that piece of shit that only works because of the actors amazing film.  I need to point out that I am indeed a insane woman and horrible mom   Expert in the realm of all things Goaty.

I have painful memories extensive experience when it comes to Goats.
I need you to stop being so damn  jealous, we all can't be goat whisperers.

If you want to know how to become the laughing stalk of your town,  on homeland securities watch list,  drug through a competency hearing by your friends and family  A real Goat Expert.  Simply follow the steps below

Like Cesar Milan but Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-dder

1-In a gigantic leap of  stupidity faith,  convince yourself  your kids wont get shot or stabbed in elementary school like they would in the city the country is a better place to raise children.  Move your 2 little kids under 5 and decide to buy land whose only other occupant was Big Foot in the woods.

my yard was like this but without the castle in the background

2- Have your kids bug you every waking second about wanting a pet, a dog, a cat, a rabbit, a hamster, a horse, a pony, a pig, a duck, a freaking anything. psychological warfare. They used it.

3- Come up with a fucking insane brilliant plan to buy a pet that will help serve a purpose. Yes no more cutting the waist high wild grass if you buy a pet that will eat it. ( still researching what animal eats dirty laundry)

I iz a GENIUS !!!

4- Buy a baby goat and a red dog harness and a bell and tie it in the yard on Christmas morning put a note under the tree telling the kids the goat is Rudolphs best friend and he has come to live with you and they better take good care of him.  ( because who needs a fence when you dress your goat up like a dog/pet)


5- Kids can not properly identify goat and scream, SKUNK !!!!

This is a Skunk. I did not buy my children a skunk.  I later found out they both needed glasses.

6-The children will run at the tied up non skunk goat full speed. The goat will then attempt to run away from screaming children thus hitting the end of his rope and back flipping into chasing children ending with all of them in a pile of upset in the yard on Christmas morning.

when they hit it looked like this, but with less cars, and more kids and goat

7- A month later you will figure out that your particular goat will eat NOTHING but table scraps and gourmet dog food. He will not eat grass, weeds, or anything and has in turn become yet another mouth to feed.

** BONUS FUN FACT***

 A goats ass is like an auto pez dispenser, Every time they take a step poop pellets pour out.

8- Your goat thinks he is part of the family, and follows you to the mail box, goes on car rides and plays tag with the kids.

9- Being a single lady in the country you totally want the name, " Goat Lady" to be forever attached to you in the small community you have chosen to set up family roots in.

10- Further propelling you into the desirable woman category your goat head buts any guy who pulls into your yard and chases them back to their car.

11- Wake up one morning and find goat in bed with your kids. Throw the goat out of the house clean up his pez poop and scold children while they scream how they didn't do it.

12- Jump in your shower and soap up your hair, feel the curtain touching your legs and get soap in your eyes, be sure it's one of the kids harassing you as usual. wash out eyes and see it is A KID. THE GOAT ! The damn goat has climbed into the shower with you and is standing next to you and licking the water off your leg taking this entire pet thing to a creepy new level.

13- SCREAM

14- Fall on slippery wet floor and bust your ass trying to get away from the goat.

15- Run naked except for the washcloth to the front door and attempt to push the wet goat out of your house.

16- wave back at the neighbors honking and waving as they drive by and see the wet goat and naked wet you in epic battle that could only be viewed as questionable.

17- Find out that your goat has figured out how to open the door by standing on his hind legs and hitting the door latch.

The goat went to live on a farm like all animals do once they have worn out their welcome.


I promise you will never ever be forgotten for this.  Nearly a decade later I was nominated for a small local public office.  I didn't campaign, but did end up getting elected. During my first Board meeting, I heard, "so you're the goat lady?"

yeah, nice.  That's me.

xo
PEACH OUT