Saturday, October 21, 2017


You have broken my heart,
you have cut me to the bone, 
you have stabbed me in the back
you have endangered my children 
you have stolen from me 
you have threatened to kill me and it seems every time we talk you spew out nothing but lies.

I failed you.  As the person who brought you into this world it was my convoluted job to make you appropriate for society. 

 If you had been an only child would it have been different?  Would I have given you more leeway so as not to sacrifice your siblings humiliation, safety and discontent.

We moved for you, it was the area, the neighborhood, the school, the doctors,  I did everything and gave all in hopes it wasn't really you.

Doctors, therapist, counselors, hospitals, things a mother should never have to say about their child were said.

In the end, I failed you.  

For many years I was a mighty warrior set out to ensure your health and happiness, but you broke my spirit and I gave up.  I want to let you in, but the price is so high and I am emotionally bankrupt.

You deserved a stronger mother, one who could stay the fight, one who could be more understanding, one who could battle for more than 19 years.  I am so sorry you ended up with me, who tried to make you fit in a cookie cutter mold when I still have no clue what kind of mom could have helped you. It wasn't me battling up hill to mend my broken life while trying to simultaneously protect yours.  The spiraling all consuming sucking down of the soul constantly being kicked and punched was beyond me.  

I'm sorry I am so broken and weak that I can't afford to be hurt again.  Everyone in your world has disconnected over the years for the simple and often subconscious act of self preservation.  But in everyone's life there should be at least 1 constant.  One thing you know will always be there and you don't even have that.

I hurt you
I insulted you
I embarrassed you
I punished you
I hospitalized you
I let you down
I lied to you
I threatened you
I had you arrested
I closed my door to you
I laughed at you
I walked away....

I didn't ever deserve you,  and you certainly didn't deserve me.