Monday, December 26, 2011

Don't bring a knife to a gun fight.

Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, ... ...
Love, Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy, Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with. 
Merry Christmas, Santa Claus

Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones

Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister-Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

 Very Truly Yours, S Claus

Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT..EVER..I..WANT, MAN! 


Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them to you right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mudhole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. 

S Clizzy

Dear Santa, bring me anything you want it will be greatly appreciated,

That's what I thought you little bastard. 

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Churches and Squirrels

There were four country churches in a small Texas town;

The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church,
& The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church & Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided
to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were
twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the
squirrels were back.

But - The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.They baptized the squirrels and
 registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas & Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him
called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.


Monday, November 21, 2011


A man in rural Wisconsin wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.  So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit  bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.  When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go.  The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the  back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof shoot dog!"

what?   where is my bacon?  oh you want bacon?  you can't handle the bacon !
This glorious turkey bacon is the perfect meat for Thanksgiving!
I totally stole it from The Domestic Diva

Now that's truth in advertising,  Bears and Bacon?  yeah I am this cool.


Thursday, November 17, 2011

Don't threaten me.

Did you notice who Obama threatened when he wasn't getting his way on raising the debt ceiling?

He threatened to not pay:
Social Security Retirees, Military Retirees, Social
Security disability and Federal Retirees.

Now...Let this sink in really well -

He did not threaten to stop payments to illegal aliens.

He did not threaten to take frivolous benefits such as Internet access away from violent inmates.

He did not offer to fire some of the thousands of unnecessary federal employees that he hired .

He did not offer to cut down on his or his wife's frivolous gallivanting around the country and the world.

He did not threaten to not pay the senators and representatives or any of their staff.

He did not threaten to take benefits away from welfare recipients.

He did not threaten the food stamp programs.

He did not threaten to not pay foreign aid.

I'm going to think about this for a while.......

I hope you do too.


Monday, November 14, 2011

Jacked up Monday

I am going to punch this day in the junk and run.  I am not taking any crap from one more freaking Monday.    I know how you roll you asshole.  I wrote a song already today suck on that.

It's raining it's pouring, my dalmatian is snoring,
Farting from my black lab is always super suck bad
I bumped my head, I'm nearly dead
My kid overslept then he wept when I screamed,

that will be all.

Give me your song to today.


Monday, November 7, 2011

the protector of italian virginity....

So when I back that ass up, and drop it like it's hot there is one thing on my mind.  BILF's.

How to appreciate a whisper.........


30 Days of Thankful,  I am Thankful I am not writing that shit, I am also Thankful my husband can't lick his own balls,  this would probably lesson the amount of shit he would put up with from me from tremendous to pretty much zilch.

I really don't overtly enjoy  fucking Matt Damon.  Yes last time I "let" him get to third base while I was doing crossword puzzles he told me that Ben Afflack had a really discolored saggy ball sack and I was like, "uhm Matt, shut your freaking mouth and do your job asshole".

Also I was calling him an asshole not using asshole as a geographic location or destination, even for Matt Damon that shit is like all of the French Quarter Streets in NOLA,  ONE FREAKIN WAY.

It's about this...

Oh yeah,  this award is kick ass, and I got it from the one the only my KBC Cobra Sister, and Bling Zing Creator Extraordinaire,  THE RECKMOSTER !!  When I say this honey got taste I mean she can tell if there is a gram of tofu hidden inside a bucket of wasabi.  The mind ninja stuff with her sometimes make me think she's in my "cloud mind community".  I know she would never commit me unless there was a scooter in it for me.  If you don't know her, and if you don't have a piece of her jewelry in your protection arsenal well, I don't know if I can even lie enough to imply I will respect you in the morning.

Ok so in a totally non gender specific listing I give you my BILF's in no specific order because that's what they say on all the reality shows.

1- Absence of Alternatives-  uh duh, awesome, what's not to freaking love, hottie photo with wigs and shit,  and IQ of Mensa and body that makes Coyote Ugly weep with envy.  you should read or be beaten in the brain area.

2- That Darling Lil Nikki from MY CYBER HOUSE RULES ! She's my sweets with the French accent.  Cute cat masks and all.  Then she became a derby queen and disappeared and blames me but it's ok because I still love her not everyone can live on a sail boat and rock it...

3-  I love a GREAT GHOST STORY,  I mean honestly,  this chick is all over twitter, facebook, and bloggyland, yet she passes within 6 miles of my house nearly every month, has lunch in the same city some days, and we were even in the same hotel for 3 days in April YET I HAVE NEVER PSYCHICALLY SEEN HER.  What does this mean?  This means, this is where you get your paranormal grove on yall.  She's a down home cajun gulf coast girl, who knows her fais do do and can throw back a beignet while slamming down a hurricane, it's the possibly intoxicated Kim from Livefromthe205

4- My possible future Daughter in Law,  Meredith from Oh That Mer!  Wait she' can't be a BILF AND  a DIL.  oh lawdy,  wait, I live in the deep south I think by law I am required to actually make a family member present on this list, with that in mind, Mer, your on the list.

5- Everyone on here is artsy, craftsty, creative, athletic, so how could I leave out THE NEXT MARTHA, from THE MARTHA PROJECT,  I can't believe Martha Stewart hasn't attempted to shank this babe with her bedazzeled shiv hand carved by Tibetan monks from the femur of an Egyptian Llama,  but even if she tried she would fail, because MY Martha, the next Martha would heave a freaking empty liquor bottle at her and knock her ass out.  YO!

This was hard, I want you to know everyone on The Reckmonsters lists were also on mine because she stole them from my brain ahead of me so I couldn't pick them too, that is all, other than the fact that the guy playing the new Conan is currently making me Pumpkin cheesecake and he's using a whisk while he is naked.  Nice visual right?  yeah YOU. ARE. WELCOME.



Wednesday, November 2, 2011

lick lick pant pant, adoring eyes

As usual I am forever in awe of you flipping amazing people.  I bow to the power of social media and my rocking friends.

Last week I sent out a request that you guys, near and far, help me, help my little itty bitty local gulf coast animal shelter. My itty bitty teeny weenie local shelter that has helped so many and went above and beyond for not only our local community but the entire state and accompanying states time and time again after repeated disasters was in a contest.

They of course were the "underdog"  ( ha get the pun, animal shelter - under dog?)  because they were going against the entire world in a grant contest hosted by the ASPCA.  To say my area is a tad behind on the technology curve would be like saying, " I may be a tad wordy".  

We were up against huge metropolitan areas, with huge populations that possessed crazy things like ipads and smart phones and lap tops and more than 1 email address and something faster than dial up. So I turned to you guys for a little push.

Guess what..


We came in 3rd place and my little shelter won a 25k grant from the ASPCA, now normally I am a first place or nothing kind of girl, but honestly I could not be more proud of you guys or more happy for my shelter. They do so much with so little for so many.

So many paws and meows will have better lives thanks to you guys.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

Don't be a dog, save a puss today !

Hello darlings.  I have been rowing against the current and doing a ton of things that haven't been as fun as sharing stories with you good looking people.  I have missed you.  I tried to answer everyones emails personally over the last few months and as I said in each of those, I am not gone for good just on a hiatus.   Still deep in the middle of real world shark infested undertow, it's really nothing more than what we all do everyday, but right now I have had to focus the majority of my energy in the boring grey landscape of the real world instead of on here with you indigo ultraviolet glitter slinging darlings.

So what brought me back to write this post today?

Well it came to my attention Tuesday.  About 5 weeks ago, we were adopted by a litter of kittens that were more like teenagers.  It became clear that the actual owners had no interest in them and the mother of the cat that had them was suspected pregnant again and would attack them.

You guys already know I have my 9 yr old black lab rescue Mei, and the Dalmatian rescue named Loki who had multiple surgeries after he had his pelvis crushed and his femur dislocated and fractured.  Then of course the evil 8 year old Feral cat named Dante who has made it her lifes mission to hate me and tear up or use anything that belongs solely to me as her person restroom.  ( she also hacked my facebook and when I outed her on this very blog read here, she retained the best legal council and sued me for slander). Needless to say our pet plate was already over capacity as you can see in this picture.

[caption id="attachment_3425" align="aligncenter" width="376" caption="it's like survivor island only no matter how I vote no one leaves."]loki, mei, dante, our lovely pets[/caption]

and THEN........................................

BAM 4 new very attentive and playful abandoned kittens show up.  I knew they were WAY to old to be prime candidates for adoption if we took them to a shelter.   Even though I am  a dog person,  they didn't ask for this, and I couldn't drop them off where I knew they would end up being behind bars for life or even worse, put down.  If you doubt me  watch this video of them that keeps us entertained when the cable is out.

The downside, 4 more mouths to feed, and the mere mathematical fact that 4 cats will be 12 cats in 4 months, which will turn into 46 cats in 9 months. We were trying to find solutions.

So I contacted the Humane Society of South Mississippi even though it was an entirely different county. There's not much as far as choice. Via a series of emails and phone calls, we were able to get the 4 strays spayed and neutered.  It was at that point that the universe  broke into a deep smile which caused all the stars to align.

This shelter, not even in my county, has taking in 39 pets this week from a horrible hoarding situation.  They were overwhelmed from Katrina and worked years to reunite thousands of pets with their families.  They turned no one do, even when there was no electricity or running water for over a month.  Then factor in the oil spill.  Everyone on the coast has been repeatedly slammed time and time again, yet they have figured out how to barely keep their heads above the water with the help of volunteers and donations.  They are warriors for those with no voice.  It's pretty amazing.

Yet they helped us by helping those strays.  How, I don't know but they pulled off some magic.

While there I found out they along with the rest of  the world was in the running for a $20k grant from the ASPCA.  The way to vote was go to the website, click on contest, and highlight MS- South Mississippi Humane Society by clicking on it,  then entering your email and captcha hit enter.  In a little bit, you will get an email to confirm your vote and you have to click on the confirm link in that email otherwise it doesn't count.

Yesterday I found out about it.  I logged on, and they were in 4th place of the entire planet.  WOW !  Hello and MEOW!  our little bitty gulf is in 4th?  Mind boggling.  Also this means if I can get them 6k to 7k votes by 2pm on Monday they will get the much much needed grant.

Here is the link-

A) You can click HERE to be taking to the ASPCA voting link.

B)  click on MS- South Mississippi Humane Society, then enter your email and the catpcha and submit, each email address you have can vote 1 time per day.

C) whatever emails you used, make sure you check them and then click on the link in the email so your vote gets counted.

D)  PLEASE ASK YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, TWEET, FACEBOOK IT. WHATEVER  pass on the word, the contest ends at 2pm on Monday October 31.  we are 6k away from 1st place.  I have begged enough now I present animal begging.

[caption id="attachment_3426" align="aligncenter" width="508" caption="we begz u to help us ! paweeze !!"]pets praying for the south Mississippi humane society.[/caption]

I promise it's so easy a Peach could do it.   Remember you can vote daily until Monday at noon, and we are in third place, needed 6k votes in 4 days.  I have faith in you guys.  NOW GO DO IT !



( if you don't have the time, you can email me at  send me your email address, I will vote for you, and you will just get an email to click the link to approve your vote. )
please vote for the south Mississippi humane society

Monday, October 24, 2011

John HInkley and Nancy Reagan

Subject: John Hinkley

 Nancy  Reagan regarding John Hinckley's release. We could  all learn
so much from this elegant and gracious  lady. You will recall that JohnHinckley
 was a  seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

 Hinckley was  absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster,  and,
in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point  that to make himself well
 known to  her, he  attempted to assassinate President  Reagan.
 There is speculation  Hinckley may soon be released as having been
 rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate  the following letter
 from Nancy  Reagan to John  Hinckley:

 To:  John Hinckley
 From: Mrs. Nancy  Reagan

 My family and I want to drop  you a short note to tell you
 how pleased
we are  with the great strides you are making in your  recovery.

 In our country's spirit of  understanding and forgiveness, we want
 You to know  that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.

We are fully aware  that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such
an act of desperation. We're confident  that you will soon make a complete
recovery and  return to your family to join the world again
as a healthy and productive man.
 Best  wishes,
 Nancy Reagan &  Family

 P.S. While you were  incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging
 Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might  want to look into

Friday, September 30, 2011

10 Easy steps to not look like an idiot..

I know in this fast paced world of social media, fashion and the ever growing "political correctness"  I thought I would just throw this out, you know like a Peachy PSA, mostly because I actually care about you guys and since the game changes faster than the banking rules in monopoly when you are playing an 8 year old.  These rules are subject to change at any given moment and may be antiquated by the time you see it.  In that case, you should know better.

** Disclaimer** This post was originally started for another blog, however due to the tone and nature of the none peachy topics it landed itself over here on ThePits***

10 Easy steps to not appear like an idiot ( because I love you)

1- Sunglasses:  big, little, round, square, coach, or Serengeti drivers.  We all know they are a great buffer for a previous late night of party making or a quick jaunt to the corner market when you don't feel like slapping on a hundred bucks worth of make up to purchase a $3.00  ICEE or Iced coffee.  However hopefully around the age of 4  you have figured out that even if you are wearing sunglasses other people can still see you.  You're basically reducing yourself to a 3 year old or a dog that sticks his head under the couch or pulls a blanket over their head to become invisible.  WARNING others will still see you, which is fine,  UNLESS-  it's raining, it's night time, or you are inside a building.  In any of those cases you will be stared down, at, and generally look like  an idiot.

2- Fanny packs:  yes I own one ( ok 3)  but *cough*I got them when they were cool,*cough* ( sure sure whatever)  also you CAN'T freaking go to Disney without a fanny pack, or New York unless you have a fanny pack or a book bag,  especially if you have kids,  it is by far the saddest product I have to admit got a raw deal because honestly when you wear it and you got curves that fanny pack will bounce bounce baby bounce bounce,  which is basically a mating call at any comi-con.

3- Going to a comi-con while wearing sunglasses and a fanny pack.   Really?  If you are a chick WTH?  If you are a dude, I'm sorry man,  but buying a cat will probably be the closest you will ever be to "owning puss".

4-  Allow your daughter to wear a "vamp"  pirate serving wench or french maid costume before she is allowed to date ( which in my house was 18, but I am not judging you or your daughter, everyone else may be though)  especially if you dress her in a fashion that basically says, "  hi, please eyeball me like prime rib"

5- Allowing your child to be a jerkface.  If you have decided to go forth and multiply take the extra step to actually parent your kid. What I mean by this is,  if you have them and notice they are not nice little kids, then don't be surprised when they are totally assholes as grown ups.  Honestly if you had a puppy and didn't housebreak or crate train them and then one day went WTH?  Why did you just treat that person like that?  YOU ARE AN IDIOT.  Talking down about other people, families,  even animals, is basically telling your kid it's ok to be a jerkface.   Empathy, no matter your financial, racial, or cultural status you better teach it to your kid. They are your children, not your playground/pta buddy where they can fathom how to be 2 faced.

6-   Don't buy a car you can't afford the tag on.  In other words,  stop !  Deep down you simply need to move from point A to point B.  Sure things like AC and defrost and heat those things are nice,  but honestly the entire country has spent the last decade being so concerned about  appearance they would rather eat ramen, be late on the power bill while making sure they drive an expensive car and have their spa day.  Stop it, you look like an idiot.  If you can't get your car tag, don't buy that smart phone and get your nails done.  Honestly WTH are you thinking?  Anyone who judges you by the car you drive was obviously a victim of number 5.

7-Quit with the guilt factor.  Really if you are white upper middle class housewife with a college degree in philosophy or the advanced studies of western European guinie pig psychology or whatever the hell else your parents wasted their money on, that you will never use please tend to your own business, be grateful for your station in life and quit feeling the inner guilt you are clearly harboring for that station thanks to your parents hard work and your luck.  Put down the poster board, and picket sign,  Unless you are EXTREMELY well researched and rounded on the particular situation then shut up and go crochet something.  Seeing you on the news fighting for whatever the " topic of the week" is  makes for interesting news until the reporter asks your opinion and you say something asinine like " uhm it's bad for our country and moving in the wrong direction"  literally that's the equivalent to the stereo type of the guy with a pabst blue ribbon and a mullet saying, " it sounded like a train and then BAM my trailer was blown away"  please stop, unless you did something horrible you are paying penance for, stop it, if you want to pay it forward because you are lucky and do realize it.  Do community service,  teach your children ( if you have them)  by example, Visit a nursing home, VA, or go help in a soup kitchen,  pick a family that you can anonymously help,  mow an elderly senior neighbors yard,  trust me when I say that will be WAY more community service.  Sure you wont end up on TV and get all that valuable face time but was it really about you anyway or was it about the cause?

8- LIFE IS NOT A CONTEST.  If you live life as if it is constantly a contest YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.  Remember 3rd grade?  My Dad can beat up your Dad,  or   My scooby doo lunch box is way cooler than your strawberry shortcake lunch box.   There is a reason that is called elementary behavior, you should learn to not do it BEFORE you leave elementary school.   You don't need to look prettier than everyone, your husband does not need to "out earn" everyone, you don't need to buy $3000 worth of freaking chocolate bars so your kid can get a twenty five cent bouncy ball.  Oddly the same holds true on the opposite end of the spectrum.  You don't have to have the absolute worst migraines known to man simply because whoever you are talking to has fibro, or RA,  it's NOT A CONTEST.   My brain hanging out does not allow me a free pass to call you an idiot for being pissed you locked your keys in your car.   My pain/grief/joy/happiness is not a barometer for anyone elses problems or success.  Yesterday someone I care a lot of about said, " I feel like such an ass when I complain to you about my everyday crap, because compared to you it's nothing"  I literally had to stop her and say NO!  You totally get to own your  problems or joy, this isn't a contest or game.  I'm not a child who feels the need to excel in either direction I am just here to enjoy this journey called life, it sucking sometimes is just part of the deal, the same goes for you.

OK I am done,  It's 8 steps, because I am lazy, I mean, because I love you.  If you really want 10 go ahead and write the last 2 it will be good for you.

Peach out

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Hero worship, the line forms here...

I have 2 huge dogs, a 7 yr old black lab ( mei) and a 5 yr old dalmatian (loki).

Admittingly Mei has an addiction to digging holes that rivals any crackheads need for a rush, and Loki is trouble by  many extreme neurotic syndromes and is randomly  willing to eat through a french door if I am in the shower and he can't see me.

However these magnificent yet flawed ( like us) beasts are my friends, my buds, my dawgs YO!

They will chase mail people, children and best of all,  the power meter dude.  An unfortunate side effect of such behavior resulted in them becoming pussified.  What I mean by that is, for over 1 1/2 years now these 2 giant hell hounds have become the equivalent of piddling little purse puppies.  They live inside.  It began when Loki was run over, nothing like a crushed pelvis and a couple surgeries to convince you to let the suffering dog sleep inside, but we can't be having favorites no no no, so in comes Mei, simply by proxy.

They are extremely handy.   The only exercise I get every day is sweeping the floors of the massive amount of hair they shed that leads to a mathematical conundrum that should have them running about completely nude ( as in hairless) which means clearly my dogs are exceptional, at growing hair.

There is also a possessed evil cat that dwells under my roof, but this is not about her or her evil ways.

For 2 weeks now there have been what can only described as a marauding GANG of  Thugs (stray cats)  living on my back and front porch.  Their tendency to accidentally think this is OK is in large part the fault of my husband and child feeding and spending time in the yard paying them undue attention.

This is a cause and effect situation..   The presence of these thug cats has turned my massive mans best friend BEAST dogs  into sniveling she wimps.  They want out, they can't go out back there's a cat on the deck OMG what do we do?  Sure we are 10x's the size of those furry things but OMG they make an awful hiss.  Ok lets go to the front, everyone's excited sliding on the wood floors hauling ass to the front door, fling it open and SATAN is sitting there with fangs, and  claws and a hunched back and making a noise that scares us.

Since I personally fall no less then 35% of the time I am standing up  I make it a habit not to bend over.    But I love my dogs, and by love my dogs I mean I want their hairy asses to shit outside.

I took a gamble picked up the cat who was preventing my dogs from access to the grass in my yard,  thus allowing them to freely run into the sunshine and pee and dig holes.

Short lived was our little utopia when my vicious attack beasts were quickly engaged in a war for the porch with the legion of felines.

I again had to get up I walked to the front door, fling it open and NOW  my dogs can not get in,  because SATAN is standing guard at my front door, they are in battle mode, attempting to defeat this foe but literally powerless to do anything other than bark at it, and quickly jump backwards.

It was clear to see by the look in their eyes that they felt absolutely horrible for not being able to help me.  In their eyes I was trapped, trapped in the house they couldn't get to thanks to what I can only assume in dog vision equates to a 300 foot  DRAGON.

Without even thinking I simply drop kicked the cat across the yard thus giving my strong manly beasts a hurdle free path to enter the castle.

I looked down and saw my dogs, frozen in time, staring at me in total disbelief.  I was a GOD.  They were completely freaked out that I, me, a mere mortal was able to defeat the SATAN beast so that they could again return to the comfort of laying on my leather couches in the air.

As if for only a moment,  my dogs could speak I am sure they would chant my name, just like the last couple minutes of the movie Rudy.

For I have that level of power.  You are welcome.

Monday, September 26, 2011

We are all just nuts.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree
just inside the cemetery fence.  One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy.  Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.  He slowed down to
investigate.  He just knew what it was.  He jumped back on his bike and rode off.  Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy,
'You won't believe what I heard!  Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'  When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.  Let's see if
we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything.  The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.  That's all.  Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the
bike passed him.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I really need a penis.

Ok, I have a problem, and I know the first step to overcoming a problem is to admit you have a problem so we can just count this as the first step to a healthier me right?

Wait what's my problem?

Oh yeah, sorry,  I have acute incurable penis envy.  There I said it, now somebody pass me a fucking doughnut and some OJ after the "hi's and welcomes" calm down.

I don't think I ever went through the entire "denial phase".   I have always loved penis, despite the fact they are possibly the most hilarious looking part of a human body and hang around with nuts I love them.

Everyone I have ever been madly in love with had a penis.

Short of having one of my own  the penis is pretty much perfect.  It's like a thermometer only it rises in the occasion of attraction instead of temperature.  The rest of the time it just hangs there, all awesome and hilarious.  I have to give credit to the penis for being involved in the creation of all 3 of my children.  Yeah it's obviously remarkable.

However I also have to admit that my reason for penis envy is indeed for 1 solitary reason.
Just one, out of all the wonderful things a penis allows you to do.
Pee in the snow,  write your name, miss the toilet,  be embarrassed in middle school by random wood, hide behind pleated dockers, and drive a chicks head into the wall.  Yeah those are all great, but I really am envious of 1 and only 1 thing.  Me and Demi Moore share our envy issues.


literally that's it.  I mean sure I would love to just bend over the numbnuts in the medical field and ram them with a hefty member but honestly I think I would feel just as satisfied as if I could stone face look at them and say,

"suck my dick"

If I had a dick I would probably go ahead and trade 5000 words out of my lexicon just to be able to stone faced look at someone and say, "suck my dick"  and then offer up a dick.

This is probably one of the many reasons I don't have a dick, because whoever was in charge of passing out penis, said, " oh hell no,  this is a bitch, no dick for her, she will have everyone sucking it".  They were right.

Examples from just today-

New Brain Surgeon-  blahdy blah blah, blah shit you have heard for 10 years, blah blah shit you have heard, blah, shit that is irrelevant, blah,  anyone could die anytime, you could get hit by a bus leaving here, blah blah blah.
Me-  "oh I see,  well in that case,  SUCK MY DICK"

Post office worker-  uhm no, you have to buy another box, they are over there were you stood in line for 20 minutes, no I am  not going to help you even though you asked, yes I realize I am sitting on a fucking stool watching TV but I will sell you a stamp for you to stick on your letter then tell you to put it in a slot in the wall that leads to a basket under my hand but I wont do it for you.

Me-" Oh ok, sorry to bother you by actually parking the car and staggering in then waiting in line 3 times because you couldn't get your fat ass off the stool to actually do your job, or mailing a letter, so instead of getting back in line can you go ahead and just SUCK MY DICK?"

Neurologist- You didn't have a seizure during the 30 minute eeg, but that doesn't mean you don't have them so you officially can't drive for a full year starting today.  Oh and here's some medicine that will make you feel like I punched you in the vagina.
Me- " So I don't have seizures? or I do? or what?  never mind just go ahead and SUCK MY DICK."

Lady at the refill pharmacy-  no that rx is expired, no that one can't be renewed until tomorrow, these 5 are a week late refilling, and this one you need to come back in 6 days to get.
Me- " oh well they just told me I am not allowed to drive anymore for an entire year and I live pretty far away from here, so if you could fill anything that needs to be filled for the next 2 weeks that would be awesome and save me from going without my medicines as prescribed, since I can't drive and all.
Bitch / Lady-  NO

French Neurosurgeon-   bladee, blah voila, tres blah,  cava , blah,  uh duh twa, blah,  I am so good looking and french I will distract you with my laid back attitude and frenchness. blah,
Me- "  Je parle en frances,  poir fe vour  SUCK MY DICK"

Gas Pump-  $3.39

Dog hair on the floor -   no need to sweep just scream

Dinner?  Family?  what ?  I got nothing...


I should just get white business cards with the words, " SUCK MY DICK"  on them, nothing else, just pass them out to everyone I meet thus cutting straight to the chase.

Honestly I really believe I could live remainder of my entire life just using those 3 words,  if of course, I actually had a dick,  until then,  it's an empty threat.  ( ha, no penis? empty? get it? ha?  shit I am funny right?  no?  well then to you I say,  " SUCK MY DICK")


Thursday, September 8, 2011

Grease me up Johnny boy

In the immortal words of the founding father of HOTNESS, ( John Travolta aka Vinny Barbarino duh)

" I got chills they're multiplying, and I'm losing control, cause the power you're supplying,  IS ELECTRIFYING!"

Yeah baby, finally all these long years after Grease, suffering through Grease 2, then of course my name being Sandi and my Best Friends name was Danny hence we pretty much HAD TO DO THE LEADS in what can only be described as a High School murder of what should never attempt to be acted out by anyone other than John and Olivia,  I finally, honestly know for sure 100%  that he was singing to me.

Now I don't want anyone getting confused, yes Brendan Fraiser is still my #1 boy toy.  Me and Mr Depp have a deep down intellectual relationship that blurs into something possibly inappropriate at times.  Then there is that new guy, the new Conan dude,  yeah what's his face?  Pretty sure he will be giving me  massages in the near future while he plops chilled grapes in my mouth. All of this is fact, you heard me FACT.  I can't help my hotness and their inability to be immune to my prowess.  

I thought it was the  brains, the boobs, the attitude, the fact I ooze a sexiness of accident prone klutz that makes me more "approachable" to these mere mortals.  But today it all came together and I have the truth.

In the past couple weeks the circumstantial evidence is accumulating, I present to you the following exhibits.

I've had about 6 EKG's this year (  EKG is for your heart,  most of them centered around my May 2011 great Heart Attack adventures.  I pulled off a couple heart attacks in less than a month from a prior healthy heart.  I mainly did it so I could get felt without having to buy an airline ticket.  Plus the little pasties with bb's on them stuck all over my breast makes me look like a cow with erect teats.  

I had the immense pleasure of having a full on EMG  ( this one is pretty awesome, and by awesome I mean it sucks and hurts and should have been abolished in the 1940's along with shock therapy and lobotomies)  This lovely exam is done by a Neurologist and they put leads on your body parts, fingers, hands wrists, spine, neck, legs, and everywhere but your snatch.  Then they send an electronic pulse to that lead while you lay on a little metal disk that acts as a grounding so you can complete the electrical circuit.  If this doesn't sound extreme enough for you, add phase 2 of the EMG, this is where they actually stick more needles in you that your Grandmothers ugly ass Tomato pin cushion.  But because having needles shoved between your fingers and into your neck is not allowed thanks to the Geneva Convention  along with waterboarding ( which sounds shit tons funner)  they claim this as a medical test, and they hook electrical current to those needles and measure the jerk, timing, and screaming levels only to deduce that you are neurologically every level of jacked up but there's nothing they can do,  which prompts you to stab the Doctor in the retina with frozen supersized depends pad because you pissed yourself all 145 shocks.  Ok you don't have to stab the Doctor but honestly they deserve a good stabbing for doing such a painful test just so they can "confirm" there is nothing they can do..  Skip the depends and just drive a mini van up his ass and then say, " wow, yeah your ass is totally jacked up, but that van is stuck so there's nothing we can do"

The EEG,  if you are bald, and like discos this is the test for you.  However if you have very long hair, and tend to get headaches and seizures from flashing strobe lights and are opposed to voluntarily hyperventilate  for 3 minutes this may not be the test of choice.  Nothing says Studio 54 like laying in a pitch black Faraday Cage with a lamp as bright as the sun 1 inch from your face smacking faster and faster light into your eyeballs while you hear sounds like somebody slipping on rubber gloves.  All in all, if you can tolerate strobe lights, noise, claustrophobia, and laying on your back then this isn't a bad test.  However be prepared to spend a good hour trying to wash the + symbols and glue off your head and out of your hair.

In conclusion,  all of these exhibits have 2 things in common.  Me of course, and Electricity.  the E in the first letter of each test stands for Electricity.  Yes of course I have also had heart caths, and  extensive MRI's and bloodwork, and ambulance rides, and ultrasounds, and CAT scans but those are just not relevant.  

Exhibits A, B, C  prove I am FREAKING SHOCKING !   So Johnny babe come on over,  I am going to get one of those red round "take a number" thingies so I can  share my electric personality with as many as possible in the most efficient manner.

Now serving  number 76.


Friday, September 2, 2011

Sainthood or a complete idiot.

Please pleaser someone snopes this and tell me this isn't true.  Tell me someone who is defending the safety of me, my family, my rights, my country is NOT THIS BIG OF A FREAKING IDIOT.  If it's not in snopes please enter it and then debunk it.  I hope this guy has not been given a GI weapon of a higher caliber than a packet of ketchup.

I have to go now, I have a date at the adult porn cinema where I will be wearing a body condom and sticky proof shoes. 


Monday, August 29, 2011


1- Whores?
Why does the world have an addiction to know everything about rancid whores.  No no I don't mean street walking rancid whores I mean,  high class no talent whores.  You know like the Kardashions, the Jersey Shore, or any housewives of what the fuck ever I used my snatch to get rich and think I am still in high school,  Brittany, Lindsey Lohan and the like.  This will and always will baffle me.  They are no talent whores, honestly go volunteer at a soup kitchen rather than read anything about these air wasting no talent no moral huge ass whores. If that's below you,  go work at a dog shelter, that's where the little dogs that were "chic" a few years back are.

How did I survive my entire life without every getting bugs?  They say blah blah no shame blah, but I am sorry if I get a call to my kids school saying pick up your bug riddle kid you nasty hag, I do feel a little judged.  This is probably whey  twice a week during the school year I use this really super cool robotic comb on my kids hair. It not only let's you know if there is a social economical lice market place on your kids head,  then it zaps them,  so it's like a bug zapper, but in the shape of a comb.  However I am busting the neurotic seems so if that damn thing goes off I will put chemicals on my kids head risking his life, intelligence and brain function with a series of weapons of mass destruction.  Why?  Uhm duh, I hate freaking bugs.

what the fuck are you doing?  hey Mark, I know you are busy being the ubber geek you are but you need to realize that the folks   you left in charge are dickwaffles and need to be chastised, and by chastised I mean stripped naked and tied to a fire ant mound while a trail of honey leads from between their little toes to their nuts.   Stop trying to drive us all away you are suck fucking idiots.  have you ever hear the expression if it aint broke dont fix it?   Get your head out of the guy that Justin Timberlake playeds ass. You are now what you always hated.

4- G+
Ok I have no flipping idea how the hell you work.  Seriously it has taken me like a year to get down wp, blogger, blogher, facebook, twitter and tweet deck.  I was working on figuring out the Geomagnetic theory of Klout when low and behold here comes freak G+  I got a million request I answered them,  yet I see nothing to "do". Then I get this DM on twitter saying OMG  isn't G+ so much cooler than FB, especially since FB is so lame and everyone hates it!   Thanks you assholes.  Honestly you make me feel like my parents making me make the time on their BETA  to stop flashing.   I do not appreciate you trying to make me look stupid thank you very much I can do that all on my own.   No I have to higher a freaking g+ tutor?  What about the 2700 people I love and interact with on facebook.  Are yous saying that to be popular I have to diss the facebook friends for the cooler G+ friends?   Google-  have you never seen the breakfast club?  I wont give up my peeps, suck on that..

5- Lottery
Why have I not won the lottery.  My dad has played faithfully wed & sat got 18 years..  He's a great guy, goes to church, helps everyone, honestly he should win.  I play off an of, but I never win. It's like throwing a dollar out the window every tine I want to play

Thats it for now,


Monday, August 22, 2011

Marriage and Porn

An adorable old couple that had been together more decades we have been alive were sitting on the couch watching TV.   She had her crotchet afghan on her lap,  he had "the clicker" ( that's a remote for you young wipper snappers).

She was doing her word search puzzle and he was doing his nightly habit of clicking back and forth between 2 stations.

Finally after 30 minutes she looked up to notice that the 2 channels he kept clicking back and forth between were a Fishing Channel and a Porn Channel.   She rolled her eyes and ignored him knowing he would eventually " rest his eyes " thus ending the horrible switching back and forth.

45 minutes in she had enough and slammed her book on her lap and said.


Her husband completely confused, yet strangely giddy about hearing her make that demand, had a smile across his face as he clicked it to the Porn Channel thinking quietly to himself that he may just end up getting lucky for the first time in a decade.

His smile left his face when she made her next remark..............

" This is the obvious choice,  you already know how to fish."

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Peachy investments - the 401Keg

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

 It is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Friday, August 12, 2011

The Lie Robot

Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom!

Pay your light bill MF- NSFW

****WARNING ***  
( because we all know kids don't know cuss words, whatever)

A reader sent me this video on Youtube,  after seeing me write about the fact that the IRS is trying to jank on me for 2003 ( yeah 7 years ago)  when not even my accountant or bank have records prior to 2005 thanks to a little storm called Katrina.  So I said  can I just be like the GVT and print my own money, or get my debt ceiling lifted?  If the GVT can't balance their budget why do they treat me like I am a horrible person and threaten to take my house because I can't find gas receipts from 2003.  Of course I was slightly joking,  a little, maybe, but I can tell you it does chap my ass somewhat to know the people taking my freaking money and punishing me can't handle their money. ( which is really our freaking money).    So a reader sent me this and I fell out laughing for several reasons-  1) he's hilarious,  2) I had never heard of him so it was unexpected, and 3) he's freaking hilarious.   

I realize somebody out there is going to explain to me how wrong he is, how offensive he is, how he kills baby mice and caused the extinction of the 3 horned albino water buffalo.  I don't give a shit.  Really.  I don't care to argue political views with people because frankly it makes me think a hell of a lot less of people when they prove they are the most educated idiots on the planet.   You don't learn common sense in school.
So take it for what it is,  just flat out funny.   

ok  feel free to commence with the stereo typing and spewing of anger at me for posting this.   Or quietly giggle and nod and then move along. no one will ever even know you laughed.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

My poor lady.......

I think
that maybe
I just
got a
paper cut

( so common sense and life experience leads you to say to yourself, " crap that hurts, I better put a bandaid on it)


I don't know how.  So I google bandaid diagrams and instructions.  I got this

This is not helpful.  Even though it does have 2 of my key words.   Kitty and Scratch.
I wasn't scratched by a kitty.   You're being but-heads band-aid.


I have tried different search word combos and honestly there are some really freaky folks out there.  
Unfortunately with all their shapes, sizes, colors, styles, bandaid has managed to fail to provide me with the particular bandaid I need or even instructions on how to improvise bandaid application.  

So for now, this is the best I can do.

yeah that's pretty accurate, but without the tux and a lot less happy face.


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Logic, Opinions and perspective. HA

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from 
San Francisco  to  New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.' 

Monday, August 1, 2011

Making my Daddy an eye appointment

My Daddy sent this to me and it's just too freaking funny not to share.


Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?

You're almost 76 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your


This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not

getting any easier.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Here's the story of a bitchy lady...

For 3 days I have been looking forward to a 2 hour session of what is equal to me slamming my head in a car door non stop while be hit with a baseball bat in the neck and back.

I haven't slept,  I try not to be a big puss,  I have had 3 kids, c-sections, gallbladder, a hernia and 2 heart attacks. I have grandmall seizures.  I also recently found out that I have probably been having 8 to 10 mini seizures daily for a very long time.   I was told for years they were migraines.  I have gone deaf, gone blind, passed out, curled up, unknowingly wet/soiled myself.  I got days/weeks unable to use my left hand at all, or the biceps on both arms.  When I get tired my leg drags, and I can't lift anything more than 2 or 3 lbs. 

If I yawn, sneeze, cough, have a bm, laugh, scream or god forbid have the "big O"  I usually go deaf for a little while but sometimes I am lucky enough to just get tunnel vision or go blind in 1 eye.

I have been hauled out of jobs on a stretcher and shoved in the back of more than 1 ambulance.  

For 5 years the military had MRI and radiology reports stating my medical condition, however the military spent those 5 years telling me I had migraines.  No offense to migraine sufferers but,  " I fucking wish".  

I don't talk about my medical issues on line, this is my one escape, but you know what.  Today I encountered what can only be described as a troll.  You know the ones that float around on blogs laying their opinions down, insulting the bloggers and readers all behind their infamous cover of "anonymous".  

Well last week from no where I get a call from Ms BEAST.  I was minding my own business posting jokes and tweeting with you sexy people, when I got the call out of the blue.  Ms BEAST,  wasted no time tearing into me.  Questioning the fact  a Doctor gave me 1 Valium  7 months ago for a 6 hour MRI that involved my brain, cervical, and entire spine, with and without contrast and a C.I.N.E. flow MRI study to measure my  CSF fluid to my brain and any corking issues I have.   

I was pretty baffled.  I can't lay flat.  That's been a fact for years.  It increases the pressure in my head, and causes what is best described as sciatica pains in my back and legs,  for bonus my arms go to sleep.  So I don't lay down, I also don't sleep very well.  So for a 6 hour MRI study to me it made perfect sense that someone broke military protocol and issued me more than a band aid and ibuprofen. To her it was  a " red flag".  

So much of a red flag she requested all my medical records and found out that when I had oral surgery last year, the Dentist gave me 6 loratab.   Six.  oral surgery.  Dentist.

OBVIOUSLY this caused the beast to call me at home, never having met me to question me about this medical activity.  Because I have been on ibuprofen, b12 and prenatal vitamins for years to help with all my problems because we know those are awesome meds..  7 years.  7 years. I have been in pain.

If you have had an epidural or spinal tap then you might have been unfortunate enough to experience a "spinal headache"  if so, this is my world, 24/7.  Then thrown in drop attacks, passing out, loss of use of limbs, the bathroom stuff and what is my most embarrassing medical issue.  The loss of words, the inability to place the proper word in a sentence, to not complete a thought.   I had an ER doctor once ask my husband how drunk I was and how often it happened.  HA I seriously wish.

Anyway Ms Beast caught me off guard and it hurt my feelings. I realize I should not allow someone I have never met who doesn't know crap about me or my problems.   Like I explained to the Droid, if I had spent the last 7 years stoned to the bone, doped to the gills, and not trying to "tough it out" and "meditate" and do "mind over body"  then maybe it wouldn't have shocked me so much.  She tore me apart and I let her.  My guard was down, I didn't expect it and she was firm and on the attack.  I was left crushed.

So today I had another MRI,  another lay still on your back, another here's some loud noise, in an enclosed space, while you are in pain and don't move moment.  I think I have had around 15 or more MRI's by now. It's seems like I would get used to them.  However since the big seizure 2 weeks ago, I am slightly on edge, and of course the Dr's have not put me on any seizure medication nor ordered any tests for it.  This MRI was ordered 2 months ago because I couldn't lift my arms, which I can of course lift now so the MRI is pointless.

I thought maybe I had somehow offended Ms Beast.  So I printed letters from 3 wonderful Brain Surgeons that my insurance told me I could never see because I am not a priority.  I  printed a copy of each letter I have written to the Doctors and my insurance since 2005 ( which is about 2 a year).  The entire step by step medical history and progression of my disease, and in turn the step by step documentation of every single Doctor  not doing a fucking thing.

After my BRrrrrr, Grrr, tick tick BANG bang,  MRI.  My head exploding, barely able to walk up right and hoping not to sound like an idiot  I marched around a 5 story building with 6 wings to find the lady who had called me.  I found her.  Ms BEAST.

She wouldn't answer her phone for the secretary and they had to get the person in the office next to her to physically walk in and let her know she had someone waiting to see her for over and hour.

I was overly polite, I wanted to set things straight with Ms Beast and let her know the person behind the paperwork, behind her #'s.  She proceeded to bring up my medication and point out that I take ibropfin, and imodium,  obviously being prescribed those things are a HUGE freaking deal, and I am a bad person.  After 30 minutes of lecture about how she could see every pill I have ever been given in my entire life and her statement that I had acetaminophen ( tylenol) prescribed last year.  I felt as if I were a criminal. A horrible person, and I started to cry.   

Quietly.  I didn't make a noise, but I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks when I spoke to her.  I kept trying to hand her the letters from the brain surgeons, neurologist, and spine surgeons.  She didn't care.  The BEAST hated me before she had ever met me, and formed her opinion of me,  yet I still can't figure out why.

Around 45 minutes in, I looked at her and asked, " why am I explaining or defending myself to you?"  I have been failed by the military, the government, 12 doctors, and Tricare.  I was lied to for 4 years, then ignored the last 3.   YOU are part of the system that has failed me.  That has made my 10 year old know nothing but a sick mother.  YOU are part of the system that has let my disorder progress to the point my life is in danger.  You are part of the system that told me I wasn't worth saving.  I came in to give you the opportunity to be enlightened, to learn of my disorder and to meet me even though you attacked me.

For the next hour,  she said to me 5 times.  FIVE TIMES.  That I needed to ask her to help me.  That she didn't have to.  That I needed to be nice or she wouldn't help me.  She wouldn't literally make me say, " Please help me get medical care for my disability"  Five times.

So there it is. It's out,  I am fucked up.  My brain is herniated out of my skull, my spine is jacked like a freaking janga game.  If you search either of my blogs or my facebook  and find a reference to "seeing a wizard"  or "the wizard of oz"   that is me being vague about my going to neurosurgeons.   I am like the Scarecrow looking for the Wizard.  Only I have enough already, possibly too much.  

My only saving grace is not too many people read this blog, it's my "secondary".  blog.  I had to vent.  I am disgusted with myself.  I have had only 2 things to cling to for the 7 years to help me get through. 

1)  I love my children so much I can't check out, no matter how much pain, embarassment and struggle I go through I have to survive,  Sam I am maybe 22, but the Prince is only 10.  I can't leave yet.  I have to win.


2) I am a tough bitch,  I am a solver, and my main mantra,  "no one has ever died from pain".    

I'm right, you don't die from pain, you pass out first,  sometimes you just vomit. I usually do both at least once a day, but I don't die.   Because of #1 and #2.  

Fuck you pain.  You can't fake what I have, it appears clearly on MRI's and even a dork who doesn't know shit about anatomy can see it.  Over the last 7 years I have asked several doctors if maybe I needed mental help, they all said no, I was fine, in fact better than fine, a role model or poster child on how to overcome chronic illness and pain.  

People who do know the complete story ask how can I post jokes, be funny, and act like nothing is wrong.  I can't hold anger.  I would be angry if this was a child., and lots of children have this.  So I   am grateful, my children are healthy.   I'm a grown up, with big girl panties I slip on every day to battle this shit.  But the BEAST wore me down, insulting me, questioning my integrity and then making me do what felt like begging 5 times.   I left feeling defeated and wondered why I thought someone like that just needed to meet me to understand.

The BEAST pointed out she had 25 years experience as a nurse, and that, she was a specialty nurse, called a case manager, and she could make things happen.

I wont let this woman do this to me again,  I am disappointed in myself for allowing it, I would have drop kicked a bitch if she spoke like that about my child or husband, but when it's me, when I am the patient, I instantly become the little girl who is in trouble, or didn't "deserve" new clothes for school,   an adult version the child I was,  unhappy, unwanted, and unworthy.   Did she channel my dead grandmother, who told stories of how the leather belts didn't compare to the razor straps, and how I ruined my poor mothers life because she married a " southern man and produced me".   

I'm home now, and I logged into this little hide away blog and I am unloading with both barrels, because I have to.  I have to make a commitment to not allow anyone to treat me like shit. EVER.  The best commitment I can come up with, is to promise it here.   I can look back and remember how I felt, and if anyone else is feeling like this, I am so sorry.  

In summation,  I totally hope a freaking acme safe does not fall directly on the head of Ms Beast.  

There I feel better.


* disclaimer-  1 Peach was injured in the making of this post. *

Monday, July 25, 2011

To be an idiot or Not to be....

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary & his wife was angry. She said, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds & IT BETTER BE THERE!" When she woke up, she looked out the window & sure enough there was a box in the middle of the driveway. She ran outside to open it & inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

sometimes it's better to contain your inner smart ass, sometimes it's totally worth it.

go kick Mondays ass yall !