Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Epic Mackerel Battle

I shit thee not

I don't like to rub it in that I happen to live on the gorgeous Gulf of Mexico with 27 miles of man made beaches and Casinos and Mardi Gras and all that wonderful stuff.   But sometimes it's really hard not to point out just how freaking fabulous this place is.

Sure sure..  this is the mothership of every single "People of Walmart" picture that has ever made you gag or bleach your eyes.

So with my job ( using the term loosely here)  I get to do all sorts of crazy fun stuff  sometimes.

Recently I spent 6 hours on a huge charter boat with these Engineers/Tourist.  As a videographer.

I think no one should ever take themselves too seriously,  so realizing that after a full day sport fishing, you really shouldn't leave my state after meeting me without a solid freaking fish fight.

I actually made these 2 tourist partake in a mackerel fight while I shot film  before they could get in their vehicle and head back to their state.   I am that cool.

Enjoy this moment of insanity they will take home with them as a solid memory.

I know they will remember this forever because well.  A Spanish Mackerel is sharp, in fact the poor guy in the red shirt has a split and bleeding lip from a FISH SLAP, that you just saw.  I can only assume that the beers will not be sufficient in fighting off the bacteria but honestly I do plan to put in some light saber sound effects but I know you guys are all thinking the doctors finally won and killed me, but I don't want anyone collecting on the Peachys Death Date Pool you had running.  I am actually alive and running about. Making people who visit my state do completely insane things just to entertain me, and of course you.



Friday, June 24, 2011

Take me out to the ball game

The President and First Lady are at the  White Sox game.

Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And..........the fans would love it!"

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the  seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

oh   take me out to the ball game,  buy some peanuts and vodka  and vodka and vodka and vodka.. shit I'm glad it's the weekend. 

You guys go have a great one.



Thursday, June 23, 2011

how about you bite me.

I signed for 3 letters today.

Three certified letters came from a Government Run Entity that goes by 3 letters ...

Go figure.

It's not enough me and the husband have worked our entire lives, aren't criminals, raise our children to be morally responsible and if they aren't make them accountable.

It's not really even enough that my husband spent 20 years working at a job that at any moment they could tell him he had a new job, cleaning toilets, in a war zone, and wouldn't see his kids grow up for a few years, all at the astounding rate of minimum wage.

I am thinking it's probably not enough that even though we have a kid that is now an adult that could have gotten one of those so called " crazy checks" from the Government for nearly 19 years he didn't and we struggled to cover the costs.

You know the entire my health thing with the brain, the spine, and all that jazz?  yeah Guess what,  I ate some humble pie and checked out the Disability stuff and was treated like a shitty diaper but Rudezilla McNasty and told NO.   I only did it, because I had a daughter wanting to finish college, a special needs kid and a young child and my Doctors had told me I couldn't work anymore or that entire "death shit" would happen.  So I thought oh, since I have worked my entire life and now if I work death will kill me,  I will get some of what I paid back.  HA. NO and hell double NO.

I am also fairly sure my daughter is in the .0000000000000000001% of her Universities student population that actually is paying for her education.  NO slam on the people that get grants but let me just say, she has been made fun of more than once for "not knowing how to jack the system".

So when these 3 little letters today came from the 3 lettered Service.  All the air left my body.  Then I threw up.    They used words like seize property and levy, and garnished,  and frozen,   YOU ARE FUCKED.  OK maybe they didn't actually type the words "you are fucked" but it's in there.    

These 3 little letters decided that 9 years ago,  NINE  years ago,  our now dead accountant made a mistake on our taxes.  A  $58,000  mistake.    Let me repeat that.   a FIFTY EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLAR MISTAKE.

Sorry I had to go throw up again.

Our accountant that handled all that 9 years ago died, but I can assure you we did not make enough money 9 years ago to pay $58 in taxes.   What's even better you ask?  Well 6 years ago there was this little storm called Katrina.  Guess who doesn't have a copy of a damn thing from 9 years ago.   I've moved 3 times in 9 years,  and went through a Hurricane, my accountant died and I got nothing.  RIP sweet little accountant dude.  But DAMN...  I got NOTHING.

So  guess what 3 little letters.  What is it that you want from me exactly.  the 99 Minivan with no ac?   Or the stack of medical bills I have piled up?   Maybe a big flat of freaking RAMEN?


OH wait. wait..  here's an idea and not to be political or anything,  but  the guy who is running your shop,  is an appointed person, and guess what,  he hasn't filed in 3 years.  I file every year.

over 100 members of congress who GET PAID IN TAX DOLLARS,  OWE BACK TAXES.

How many of them are driving a 99 minivan and eating Ramen?  yet you come after me with some bullshit inflated mutherfucking number that I can't prove?  You bastards.   You dirty stinking bastards.

A note saying due to the economy you need to collect?   WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING ME?


fuck this.  I am going to throw up again and then I will probably write you a letter with a mapquest directions on how to find my ass so you can kiss it, what the fuck are you going to do, freeze my bank account it's got $2 in it. Take it you piece of fucking shits.  Make sure you pay congress though and they get to work out in their nice fucking gym you idiots,  also please use your tax payer dollar funded cell phones to take shots of your crotches and twitter them,  fly around the country and eat like the fat spoiled bastard pigs you are.

I will go in the kitchen and fix my kid and nice bowl of STEAM for dinner and ICE for desert.  You shittard pasty snakes.  How dare you practically guarantee we will become a statistic yet sit so high and righteous when you have the moral fiber of a piece of used toilet paper.



Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I got honked, won $20 and no nuts were tazered

Sunday morning ( fathers day), I preformed a miracle of biblical proportions by dragging my husband and 10 year old out of bed at 630am.   In case you don't know uh,  we don't do Church, at all, ever.  So this was big, it was for our annual 13 mile Kayak trip.

I used the added man bait of  Coffee an McGriddles  and we were in the car and at the drive thru here in Green Acres by 7am.

Let me set the stage for you so you can get a clear picture.    I live by a major interstate,  it's 4 lanes in each direction and usually has maybe 3 or 4 cars on it.   The town a little south of me has 27 miles of beaches and casinos and you can scoot from county to county without any traffic issues.  My specific community just got it's first traffic light.   We don't live in an area where anyone is in a big rush for anything.  Keep that in mind.

I drive my half sleeping men to the Mc Donalds  EMPTY drive thru as a reward for waking up early on a weekend and not stabbing me.  A guy named Jason wearing a McDonalds uniform and  bright yellow reflective vest and what looked like a modified IPAD jumped out of the bushes from behind the order screen and introduced himself.

Using my stealth like ninja skills I restrained myself from spraying mace in his eyes and tazering him in the nuts for jumping out of a bush.  Because that's usually what happens to people who do that shit.  But my quick MIB  rationalization prevented poor Jason from suffering any more than he already was by having to do that job.

Me:  OH the board is broke?
Jason:  No it's working, they just have me out here today to bring a personal touch of customer service to everyone can I take your order my name is Jason.
Me:  Oh,  sure I need the biggest freaking container you can fit out your little window of coffee for the werewolf sitting next to me,  I need a strawberry bannana smothie for me,  and the kid in the back wants a plain mc griddle, orange juice, and apple slices.
Jason:  did you know we now have mango pinapple smoothies?
Me:  Shut the front door?  Dude I love that combo?  I wonder if I should get that?

Me:   uh oh somebodies car alarm is going off huh?
I turn around and woman that clearly would freaking die of emaciation if she did not immediately  cram some greasy food down her face hole was FUCKING HONKING AT ME  for ordering.   Then when she saw me look back ( because I thought a car alarm went off) she didn't just flip me off she gave me the good old entire forearm fuck you.
Me:  Jason,  is Piggy McFatnasty back there honking at us?
Jason:  Yes ma'ma
Me:  You know what Jason,  that makes me hungry, and I have A.D.D., I am completely distracted, and I can't see the menu board,  is there any way you can read me the entire menu,  I have forgotten what you have here, because I never eat fast food.
Jason:  (smiles)  are you serious.
Me:  yes Jason, I have a disability, it's very real, it's triggered by horns honking, it goes back to an old magic show where I was hypnotized as a child Thanks for helping.
Jason:   Combo #1 blah blah blah

My husband:  Stop being a bitch and go.
Me:  what does bitch mean? see I can't even remember..
My husband:  Look she probably didn't mean to honk
Me:  she honked?
Jason; Combo #2  blah blah blah
My husband:   seriously he has to deal with the hog face to face when we pull off.
Me:  fine.

Me:  Jason,  stop reading.  I know you have to be nice to McAttidue PigFace back there, but I want you to know something.
Jason:  Yes?
Me:  Some poor guy somewhere,  puts up with that nasty bitch constantly, you only have to deal with her until she finishes her order.
Jason:  you/'re the best customer I have ever had.

We pull to window 1 and pay, pull to widow 2 and get our food.  I ask for a manager and tell her that I think Jason is doing a fine job and let her know that he maintained his composer and customer service even though a rude twat was honking while he was trying to do his job.
Then I tell my husband I am pulling over and bet him $20 that the honking McFartknocker would have a Christian bumper sticker.  My husband told me I was on crack.

We watched old Tushy Tush get her McDoubleGrease Platter  she flipped us off and as she drove away her bumper sticker said,  " I let Jesus take the wheel"

ME:  but you kept the fucking horn?

Husband:  bitch here's your $20...




Saturday, June 18, 2011

My Daddy sent me this

My Daddy sent me this .. Happy Fathers Day

Have a great weekend .


Friday, June 10, 2011

It's summer they escaped from Walmart

It's really clear summer is here, living on the beach we have beautiful beaches and it's awesome.  But we have drawbacks.  Like Hurricanes, and then last year the Oil Spill, but believe it or not, there are actually things that are worse... yes worse.   

You know those people of Wal Mart?  They get hot, then they go to our beaches, and it's not right, it's just not right.    Here are some pictures.  I warn you, it's not for the faint of heart.

A mullet and a Banana Hammock?  wow, just kill me.

Not at all shocked she has a fanny pack but the wal-mart bag tied to her arm is a bonus huh? Maybe she is meeting Mullet dude.

No need for sunscreen when you wear a sweater to the beach, oh wait, sorry. 

Who wants to bet me this dude is fairly wealthy.

That tree was alive 30 minutes ago, it literally killed itself.

some clothes should come with a weight limit instead of  a size, and if you bring fried food to the beach and a table,  I am just going to notice your pretty butterfly tattoo. 

seriously....  there are so many things wrong with so many things in this picture I have lost the ability to think.

So now we all know what the sock fairy looks like.  You know every time you put a pair of socks in the washing machine only 1 comes out?  The sock fairy steals one of your socks?  Obviously this is him.  Really twat waffle it looks like you dipped your wanker in spf 100 ..  that is nasty.  Why has no one told you.

This is probably why the sea life is dying,  we can't blame everything on the oil an hurricanes y'all.



Friday, June 3, 2011

rubbermaid, whores and my local news

Dear local news.  You're a bunch of  fear mongering wretched whores.  I am sure you already knew that. I know you you hate me hence the time you actually to effort to freaking "contacted me" and ask me to stop commenting on your stupid freaking hourly moronic facebook status posts that are strikingly un-brilliant.

I complied because frankly, I know I can be on the slightly bitchy  logical  side sometimes and I realize there is no room for that when we have such important breaking stories every hour such as,  " a grain of sand was found in a councilmen's eye click here for more information."  ( never mind every other house is a crack lab)
This area is booming for tourism but the work here is pretty clear cut either you work manual labor or at NASA and we only report on sports because more people here work manual labor.  Hit your target audience. I get it.

But I do have to give you a hats of for hiring a couple chunkie chicks over the last couple years because hey,  the rest of the world still thinks "thin is in"  and that all women should like a 10 year old boy but clearly you hired chicks with curves and well these ladies  got more of them then a bag of gummy worms.

Now to the actual current issue.

Yesterday was the start of Hurricane Season.  I know this impart because a)  I own a pulse,  b) I live on the Gulf of Mexico, c) I actually have seen a calendar ( in a paper or digital format)  d)  I have an IQ higher than a cat turd on a stick and e)  I am not on crack.

You spent the entire day,  every 12 minutes between every show telling me it was the first day of hurricane season, with your awesome graphic.  Thanks.  Then at the 4 o'clock it was the lead story,  complete with NOAA,   Dr whogivesshits  and  Professor  Yourtotallyscrewed  predictions.  Of course they are all dismal and just like that relgious sect confirm that the end is near.

Lucky for me, you also told me the names of the storms that will surly kill me ( if the brain and heart don't)   and to make a hurricane kit.   Now if you don't live in the south, here is what my lovely county, salvation army, and FEMA says should go in a Hurricane Emergency Kit.

That's nice.   Can I say that Ponchos and Dust masks taste like shit no matter how much salt you put on them and hand sanitizer just does not get you as drunk as you would think it does considering the Alcohol per volume.

So  here's the deal, people tell me, " OMG how can you live where there are hurricanes????"   Well everywhere has natural disasters. Hurricanes are the ONLY one with a weeks notice.  Also they are the only one that you have enough time to leave the "strike zone".  There is a season it last from June 1 to Nov 30.  They like the warm water.  Usually the wave starts off the horn of Africa, cooks up in the Atlantic, hits some islands,  then Cuba, and if it gets in the Gulf well it just loves the shallow hot waters and backs on up and can catch the Gulf Stream and go East or West. ( that is why you go NORTH !!  NOT east or west).

So after watching everyone I know and love being homeless after Katrina except us ( my house sits at 100 ft above sea level).    My house was 14 months old when it hit.  We lost 2 roofs and 1 external wall our house was livable.  I learned a LOT,  but this thing in particular made me wish I didn't own a flat screen TV yesterday because I just couldn't figure out what would happen when I slammed my kids baseball bat through it.

True facts I learned from Katrina to prepared for Hurricane season, even if my Local news haven't figured it out.
~ Everyone needs a Hurricane kit and to stay aware during Hurricane 
~ The items listed above would be an awesome started kit for any emergency including one in your car or  a zombie attack.
~Hurricane Kits need to be water proof
~If your house blows away chances are you wont be able to find your fucking hurricane kit.
~What you need if you get slammed by a kick ass Hurricane like Katrina will not fit in a hurricane Kit.

3 new houses- 1 for me , 1 for my Dad and 1 for my Mom, plus all new documents, heirlooms and food.
Now that's a FREAKING hurricane kit !

or you could just do this one,  which I find so much less stressful.

Although you will probably end up using the one directly above it once you have used up this one.

So I made a real life, hands on, true dat, no holds barred actual realistic Hurricane kit check list.  It would probably work in most emergency situations, I am not sure, the only other natural disaster I have been in was some horrible tornado when I was a kid, and we owned a moldy skank basement..this is for my family of 3. You will need probably 3 tubs to do it right and they go in your car.  Go check out my stuff that should actually go in your hurricane kit for REALZ. Trust me by clicking here.

Until them I will trying to dig my snorkel and water wings out of the hall closet, while sending my husband emails on how to do things like, use a hammer..



Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I want ...

Dooood  ....

I am 7 ways from Sunday every level of jacked up.

I just got all the damn sticky marks from that hospital tape scraped off me and I look like a bruised up grape still.

Yesterday for no reason other than I fucking BLINKED WRONG.  My damn right eye busted all the blood vessels.

I look like I just stepped into fight scene with Demi Moore in GI Jane ( suck her dick)  finished whipping her ass and then went straight over to Mr and Mrs Smith and beat the shit out of  old Angelina ( which I would do for $1.00) .

So I think I deserve a sparkly eye patch and shit. Like the one Johnny Depp has but with less fish smell and more glitter.  But I am afraid to do anything because even typing this I am probably putting myself in mortal danger of like who the fuck knows.  Clearly I have some type of mad ass voo-doo curse on me..

I blame someone.. I am not sure who yet.

I am getting back in my hamster ball and sitting here waiting for my glittery eye patch and packing peanuts safety chair to arrive.