Tuesday, September 28, 2010

My heart is filled with sorrow

At one point in the 80's there was this soulful sound that came out of my crappy car speakers that  paired quite nicely with making out while drunk on cheap booze with strange dudes.  His name was Michael Bolton.  He could sing with sexy voice.  Your panties would almost fly off. Almost.  But then you would envision him and they would staple themselves to your body like your socks and force you to get home way before curfew.

Now all these years later my soul weeps, for Michael Bolton. 

If there is any justice in this universe tonight Michele Bolton will go home, go to bed, and wake up with amnesia. The world will just pretend it never happened. We will just all be polite and not mention it. He will forget that he was ever absolutely humiliated on Dancing with the stars.

He will forget that he crawled out of a dog house, that he chewed on a dog bone, that he made Frankenstein look like a smooth operator.

This man that crooned such soulful panty flinging tunes, has less mojo than a stick man drawn from poo.  Poor Michael. I hope the universe lets you have amnesia and if there is any justice you will also wake up with some more hair.
Sorry man.

Peach Out

Monday, September 27, 2010

Don't try to assimilate me

Resistance is NOT futile.

I do not give a flying fuck that you have the most check in's at yogart barn.

That your cat barfed on your rug

That you ran 3.5k of the 5k and feel great.

That you have candles for sale.

That you want everyone with a son/daughter/mother/father/husband/wife/pet hamster to change their status message for one hour.

I don't want to buy your kids candles/wrapping paper/cookie dough.

I do not want to be part of the asshole collective. Floating mind numbingly like a joy sucking vacuum through space leaving nothing but empty shells of last years name brands, upgraded power cords and maxed out credit card receipts  as a plasma trail.

I will stand still amidst you with my phaser in an alternating pattern so that I may indeed survive without assimilation.

Friday, September 24, 2010

email from Daddy

My Dad is 77.  He also forwards and insane amount of email to hundreds of victims friend daily.

Snopes can not begin to process the chain mail, political stuff, and often leaning towards the "damn daddy, is there anyone you don't feel like you should offend?"  direction.

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinkin',  quit chasin' women,  and quit his poker games.  He started  to take da bath, cuttin' de grass around de church, even painted it and was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays!

Father Thibodeaux axe'd him what about dis wonderful change that had done overtook him.  Boudreaux explained, "I heard "Crisis in the Gulf" and if he’s dat close,  I wanna to be good to go!”

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Send help

I am so sorry you guys, I can't possibly right, draw, scratch out, write a post today.  I am tramatized.  I accidentally watched a horrific train wreck of a movie with a creepy factor of  way the hell over 10.  Unfortunately I didn't turn it off, and I ended up being forced by some hypnotic movie curse to see...

remember Mork? Jack? Patch Adams?

Yeah I totally saw his man junk .. I am going to need a serious shit ton of therapy.

By therapy I mean vodka, and chocolate.

Sorry guys I have to run to the liquor store therapist  so just be glad you aren't me today.

I don't own enough bleach to get rid of this..

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Please tell me it aint so...

In case you haven't heard,  the absolutely unbelievable has happened.

Poor Octomom ( Nadya whatsherfuckingface)   has fallen on hard financial times.    I would have never imagined this could happen to her because she is a  freaking nutbag sweet caring victim.

First off  I knew thing's were going to be bad because people call her Octomom,  when in fact I think they should have went with   "SeptomomSqaured"   because she doesn't have 8 kids as the Octo would imply, the whacked out nut job  poor loving victim has 14.   Maybe you didn't hear me,  14 FREAKING KIDS !!

Even Michelle "clowncar vagina" Duggar has help. With Jimmy Joe, and Jacky Bob and James Dean  Jesibahigherflynt  Tom or whatever the hell "J" themed names they use they give an older child the newest offspring and they "team parent/sibbling" or whatever the hell they want to call it  when you have so many kids the old lady in the shoe thinks your freaking WHACKED !

I am so excited to hear that OctoTurd is going on welfare.  I mean I was really hoping to be cool like Brangalina and adopt some kids and now I can claim all 14 of these little fruits of the turkey baster.  ( I wont bring up the entire Octoturds plastic surgery to look like 1/2 of Brangelina issue )

But writing this post I realized something. OMG y'all I have the solution !

The Duggars  have got to have another boy that's near marrying age,  it's like  11 or 12 for their religion right?  Anyway if they hook him up with OctoTurd  then he would totally have  a head start with  an instant 14 kids, so he would only have to sleep with her like 5 more times to equal his parents fertility bar.

Also super tax payer bonus.  The Duggars to my knowledge don't do welfare.  In fact they only buy things when they can pay for it in cash.  ( that freaking amazes me)  But I am afraid OctoTurd would have to lose that creepy, " I will be making a lamp shade out of you later" laugh and learn to be humble and wear long dresses.  Plus she would get to be in a reality show.  Oh yeah she probably would also have to have sex with a man to produce more children which I'm not sure she is aware can happen.

Vote Team OctoTurd Duggar !!!

BOOM  BAM KAPOW ! There ya go, issue solved. Damn y'all I am brilliant.


Monday, September 20, 2010

I aint Betty Crocker here folks

OK so you know  I am not Betty Crocker, June Cleaver or  Martha Freakin Stewart.  At any moment my house  could be condemned, and  my general response to "what's for dinner is",  "depends on where you pick it up dude."

But last week I wrote an original recipe over on BeingPeachy.  So when I got all 9 million  6 hundred and 31 emails from my Dad this weekend I was shocked he had in September sent me a recipe for Christmas Cookies. He's 77 so I am just impressed he is on the internet and forwarding jokes.  Plus he's an early planner so yeah September for Christmas Cookies,  sounds about right.
image from www.partyfail.com

Pretty sure this is what I would look like if I attempted this recipe

Here's the email recipe I got from my Dad.  You guys,  my dad is flat out hilarious.

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies


1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality... Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer.. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.


Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor..

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity..

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas !

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Liars, and Twits and Bitches Oh my !

My staff wrote this screen play and then presented it to me as an original, but I am sensing as usual they were slacking on the job, and somewhere in my deep subconscious this seems vaguely familiar. (  by staff I mean me )

The Smelly Brick Road ( or as we call it here locally, the french quarters)

 Dorothy Gale ThePeachy1,  an orphaned young girl a tired old hag, unhappy pissed off  with her  drab black-and-white new found lazy boy recliner existence (aka chronic vodka shortage) on her  aunt and uncle's dusty Kansas farm spider and fire ant infested country estate home. 

Dorothy ThePeachy1 yearns to travel "over the rainbow" "anywhere but here"  to a different world ( or a liquor store) , and she gets her wish when a tornado whisks her laptop and her little dog, Toto, whisks her off to the Technicolorful land of Oz Blog. 

Having offended the Wicked Witch of the West Bitch of the Web, Dorothy ThePeachy1  is protected from the old crone's  heinous bitch's  wrath by the ruby slippers polka dot pajamas that she wears. ( and possibly vodka, that stuff makes you invincible ) 

At the suggestion of Glinda, the Good Witch of the North hilarious friends, Dorothy  ThePeachy1 heads down the Yellow Brick Internet Road to the Emerald City ( since green is her favorite color we will leave that one) , where dwells the all-powerful Wizard of Oz Blog, who might be able to help the girl hag return to Kansas a place where petty bitches mind their own business ( and all fountains are filled with vodka). 

 En route, she befriends a IaintScaredCrow from Hooterville, a TinFoilMan and a LipglossLion. The IaintScaredcrow would like to have some brains  ( don't be fooled this woman is a genius) access to civilization, Johnny Depp and the right to force people to inhale flatulence from her gluteus maximus, the TinFoil Man craves a heart  the opportunity to shove haggis down the pie holes of felonious supiditis  humanoids, and the LipglossLion just wants to attain courage  more hair care products and lip gloss; hoping that the Wizard will help them too, they join Dorothy ThePeachy1 on her odyssey ( possibly drunken) road trip to the Emerald City.

I fired the writers, staff, family pets and had to wing it on the rest.

Along the way they get attacked by flying monkies who fling poo at them because apparently when you are a monkey the idea of throwing something other than feces is out of the question.   They come across, Liars, and Twits and Bitches OH MY !  Then  blah blah captured and epic battle with the Wicked Bitch of the Web and they  make her have a TOTAL MELT DOWN by pouring  mad dog 20/20 on her hard drive they then stole her broom frequent flyer miles and headed to the Emerald City Vegas.  ( cause that is pretty much the same thing)

I can't tell you what happened from there because what happens in Emerald City stays in Emerald City.

ThePeachy1 has a black lab and a dalmatian neither which will fit in a easy to carry pick nick basket, so she filled it with twizzlers, truffles, and jello shooters.


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

  The past 5 days of my life have been such an outrageous roller coaster I could sell tickets and mouse ears.

I am so tired y'all that it seems like I am living in a musical. 

So if "SweeneyTodd" was being chased by the " Phantom of the Opera" in downtown "Chicago" and bumped into "Billy Elliot" who was holding some "CATS" with long "Hair" then cut a quick left and dodged into the  "Moulin Rouge"  so they could blend in by dancing to a "Fiddler on the Roof" and enjoying a reheated plate of "Spam"(a lot)  it would be a " Wicked " situation.

But I am not in Broadway, because that's far too cool and cultured for me. (By cultured I mean the last time I went to Broadway a homeless women beat me with her cane for standing in the doorway that was apparently her home.)

To my friends who have spent the last 5 days, listening to the drama, been there, stood back, jumped in, been subjected to and put up with,  this UTTER FREAKING insanity that consumed my life these past few days.

I can only say, in from the most sincere place in my heart. Thank you.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Amazon Societies

I have always had a fascination with the law, how it has evolved and especially loved the old laws that somehow remain on the books.  We all have them, most of them no one has heard of.  Last night I decided to check some old laws on the books in my state.  

Fasten your seat belts grab your latte and hold on folks, I am using scientific theory as related to law to prove my theory  our founding fathers and lawmakers  were really women.

97-35-17-Private citizens may personally arrest any person that disturbs a church service.
Wow.  All babies would go directly to jail.  But they would get out eventually.

97-29-59.  It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.
Ok so every male 6th grade and above would do jail time according to this one.

97-29-55  A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.
This means every man who finally got out of jail after infancy and then puberty would be thrown back in the cell.

So at this point in society we would clearly have a 1000 to 1 female/male ratio and we all know what would happen.  We would have to share, like in grade school when the teacher asks if you brought enough for the whole class, but this time it would be with the entire subdivision. But wait !

97-29-43 It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.
SHIT FIRE AND SAVE MATCHES Y'ALL.  there goes a majority of whats left of the men, wait we don't actually have to get married to pro create?  Duh. nice try old timey law makers.

97-29-11  If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.
OK, well then yep nothing left but us jail house wives and female children

So we will become a society of amazons.  Which would be FREAKING AWESOME.  Cause Wonder Woman was from an Amazon society and she had an invisible jet.  I just want a jet, the invisible part would seem like a hassle and an accident waiting to happen.
Why didn't she make her chair invisible ?  really?  I would so fall out of that.

But what baffles me is all of these laws where written by MEN.  Wow, they are so smart.
 ( or more than likely they were smart women dressed like men to pass these laws.)


Monday, September 13, 2010

OH yeah that's totally sexy..

Once upon a time women were women. They looked like women.
An old glass coke bottle comes to mind.
The Commodores even said 36-24-36 made a brick house.
Sir Mix-a-lot  wrote and entire song about the glorious joy of a nice plump hind end on a female.

I understand being healthy and athletic. It's good for you, you live a longer fuller more active life.  But this?

this is from MSN Lifestyle

4 Outfits That Make Your Thighs Thinner

The right outfit can make upper-leg weight disappear into thin air.

Is it me or does this bitch look like a freaking bobble head? 

At any minute her head can just flop off  how is that possibly healthy.

I just want to plant her on my dash board in a hula skirt and laugh at how her head bounces around like a pumpkin being held up with a toothpick.  

Shit y'all.  If you are already a bobble head, do you need to worry about what clothes make you look fat?  

The only fat looking thing in the picture is HER HEAD !  Put a damn hat on that melon and move on.  

Move on to a Crackle Barrel, Denny's or IHOP  and EAT !

for crying out loud.
*PS* - no bobbleheads were harmed during the making of this post but I can't verify if those bobble head girls in the picture above have not had bobble head ordeals.

PPS-  Don't forget you guys I'm in a contest over at babble.com  my votes ( or lack there of) are make my ranking sink fast the Titanic. Or my boobs, same thing.  so if you don't mind and have  minute  Why don't just head on over there by simply clicking here.

Friday, September 10, 2010


I can not write a funny, or sarcastic post today.

Instead I ask you remember what you were doing when it happened, when you found out, how you felt.

This is still too real, too fresh, a wound not healed for me.  So I turn my blog over to your comments and memories.

Please feel free to take as much space as you need in the comments, include a link if you need. Today is for all of us, all of them. May we never forget all the people touched by this event.


I will now send you to my friend Holly's art work in memory of 911.  by clicking here
or to my other blog, where I managed to tell my story.  by clicking here.

why I want to win

10 Reasons I want to win this contest
( and by win I totally mean anything above placing  250th out of 252 entries)


1. When they did the editors top 50 pick, there were some monumental people on there.  People who have been on Opra, Today Show, GMA, Martha Stewart, and The View.  I sat in awe thinking damn I will never been in a group of people like that.  All in all it's probably a good thing I wasn't on that " super star I shit skittles" editors pick list.  Then I thought shit, if I was, my shirt would pop open, pantyhose would run, contact would fall out and I would trip getting to the set.   I fall a LOT, it's never pretty. Gum would fly out of my mouth and get stuck in the hair of the news person interviewing me or my satalitte connection would be so bad I would have that dreaded dead air of doom shit going on. Also I don't kiss ass well, so chances are I would call someone a stupid shitard with the personality depth of a eye dropper. There would also be a greater than zero probability of a wardrobe malfunction that would make Janet Jackson's incident look like something off the wiggles.

2- Then late Thursday Afternoon I found out I had been nominated for the Peoples Choice version of the top 50.  By Holly at MidWesternMamah.  I was ranked 138 but still honored there were around 185 nominees.  Without realizing I only had 1 vote a day I voted for someone other than myself. Why?  Because they are a better writer.  But within 4 hours I moved into the top 30.  

3- This is the top 50 Moms on Twitter-  but there are a couple dudes ahead of me. ( although I love their blogs and tweets) . They do not now nor ever have been is possession of a Uterus and are not to my knowledge a "Mom" ( even though they are pretty kick ass Dads), so that's kind of a kick in the throat, considering I get PMS, cramps, and had 3 kids which kind of means I am indeed a "MOM". Including the 58 days I laid in the hospital in labor with a pump in my leg and my stomach looking like a Randall McNally road map from all the scars. I don't mind, other than it's a 50 awesome MOMS of Twitter contest, and I am pretty sure they are implying you should indeed leave the penis at the door and know the drama of a breast pump or tampon. Kind of embarrassing to all us actual MOMs to get our child birthing asses handed to us by a dude.

4- You know how every year at homecoming there are the 4 super popular girls that win everything and they are shoe ins for Home Comming Court. Then out of the blue pops the one that represents the majority, the average chick, aka the sacrificial lamb put forth to triumph forever in the halls of average people shame or fame.  That's me.  I am You, the every girl. No fame. No Pride just me. Honestly I would pick the hall of fame instead of Hall of Shame so please vote for me.

5- Every day I plunk out a minimum of 2 blogs,  1- BeingPeachy the cheery side ( where my server crashed today, perfect fucking timing thank you. ) and 2- The Pits the down to earth and possibly NSFW side( where you are at right this second).  I guest post a couple times a month when asked by other bloggers, and always try to support the newer people, because well, that's how I roll. Some people write 1 article a week and tweet it over and over, and fb post it over and over, and you wonder.  "Self, are they writing somewhere else or did they forget their log in passwords to admin".  On the same token I am a big fan of quality -vs- quantity, especially when it comes to twitter followers.  But I always try to bring it in almost every post.

6-I seriously need an auto glass repair/replacement sponsor. I am willing to pretty much pimp myself and my blogs  out like a $5 crackwhore to get my minivans windshield repaired after the #kayakincident  that happened at the end of the #infamouscampingtripof2010.  ( click here if you need more info). ( but you can't click there because my friggin server is down right now) I can only think being near the top kabillion in this contest may be something I could put on the table with a marketing person thus giving me a fighting chance to at least get a tube of super glue. ( but probably not since my freaking server is down)

7- Y'all, I am just a dork, in yoga pants that are a size too small, with a pony tail, sitting in front of her broken and duct taped lap top, FREAKING BEGGING asking you to vote for her.

8-Me placing well would be a multi cultural victory sort of like if Benetton made a come back.  I am a redhead of scottish, irish, spanish and blackfoot Indian decent. Born in Thailand, and married a Choctaw/Cherokee indian and between us we produced blonde haired blue eyed children. For shit sakes yall I should just change my name to America because I am a genetic melting pot.

9-I don't use 4 square,  shred heads, couch to 5k or blip fm on my twitter.  This fact alone should catapault me into the top 25 because if people use these things no matter how much I love them. I don't care that they have the most check ins at Yougart Kingdom or they ran 3 miles that day and it felt great.   Honestly do I tweet lazyboy2potty posts?  No.  If I tweet that I ran, you can bet there was a fire, a sale or a police chase, otherwise I am not running and definitely not tweeting it. I also don't flood twitter with out of focus pictures of my dog, yard, a random snail or a fucking sunflower. Seriously people all sunflowers look alike, however all babies don't. Just saying.

10- Dear Mr. Babble 50-, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Friday in voting for @IamThePeachy1 for whatever it was we did that brought us here. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...and an athlete...and a basket case..a princess...and a criminal.Does this make you want to vote? Sincerely yours, the Peachy1.

So that's it,  I didn't pull a pity card, I didn't name drop and I didn't offer odd favors.  Which is probably why I suck at politics.  I was however once elected to a small local community board to which I took great pride. Obviously they didn't do background checks either and they never accepted my nomination for people to thumb wrestle to settle huge debates. ( snotty politicians)

If I do by some fluke win ( or even come in the top 10 ) I make you these campaign promises.

1- a Chicken in every pot
2- No new taxes
3- All my meetings will be broadcast on CSPAN
4- Everyone will be able to see Russia ( or Mexico or Canada) from their backyard.
5- I will not have sexual relations with that woman.

Thanks for your time and possibly your vote.  You rock.


Thursday, September 9, 2010

you really shit in your pot this time baby Osmond

As you guys know I am pretty scientific. I mean I did a study on weebles, with pie charts and illustrations and all that jazzy stuff.

Then through my diligent and professional mostly made up by jumping to conclusions journalistic research I busted one of the biggest Hollywood / Utah Secrets wide open and offered scientific proof that

But now I kind of feel bad for that Beaver kid, because I am the first to come to a solid and scientific realization that his career is over.  So young, so spoiled and it's over, all over, and I blame the adults around him for not keeping him from ending his own career so early. This was totally avoidable.

As we all know Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are robots of mass destruction.  No one can act, sing, be that fashionable, look that good, and make that level of adorable kids and keep the press from publishing anything horrible unless they sold their soul to the devil OR they are robots of mass destruction.  Since their children have also been privy to acting, musical skills, and looks they can't have sold their souls to the devil because who would sell their infants soul to the devil.  This leaves 1 undeniable conclusion.  They are robots of mass destruction.  ( they probably also have blackmail pictures of everyone in Hollywood and NY that has ever taken a breath and this is how they control the press so well  OR it could be robot of mass destruction hypnotism.)

The moment of the beginning of the end.
1- When I released to the world  that Justank was an Osmond
2- When Justank got a little too big for his britches and had a dance off with Jaden Smith.

Justin.  It's bad enough you were handed a career of boyhood stardom at a young age by being plucked out of oblivion  by super stars in the music field and then jammed down every young girls throat with your pre pubescent Vienna boys choir auto tuning screach owl music and thrust into super stardom.

But my petite super star, as my Daddy would say, " I think you shit in your own pot" here little boy.


Did that water bottle hit you a bit hard on the brain?  You little dumbshit.  There are a few rules the yes men ass kissing adults around you need to ball up and remind you about.

1- You ARE indeed a child and not a small adult and therefore you should have enforced rules instead of yes men.
2- The talent you think you currently have is fleeting. By fleeting I mean when that first crotch hair busts through your voice will change and it will probably become too expensive to auto tune you back into a 6 year old little girl voice.  Although it worked for MJ, but he had to give up his monkey, ranch and nose? Are you willing to go that far?
3- You really really really need school.  Not surfing ( because you were boogie boarding or another acceptable term would have been body boarding, not surfing  idiot). 
exhibit A

4-Don't bite the hand that feeds you and don't EVER bite the hand that holds the black mail photos of the hand that feeds you
5- See number 4 but understand they are robots of mass destruction and your life is over.

OK so beside the obvious every  person in the Pinkett / Smith family  right down to the kids hamster could buy your dumb ass 5 times over and have serious industry staying power.  Did you know Jaden could do this?
Obviously a ninja/jedi/robot of mass destruction.

a-Lets review this research. You have no real viable talent or staying power and just like Shawn Cassidy and Greg Brady and even Corey Haim, your career has the shelf life of flash paper. 

b- you got too big for your britches and had a dance off with a kid who has a massive movie career, his mom is a movie star of epic proportions and his dad not only over came being the Fresh Prince of Belair to become a  massive movie star but is also a pretty kick ass musician .

c- you have the appeal of a dog fart and the intelligence of a rabid gecko on a shit stick.

so my little Justank Beaver I say to you, So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodnight"
Not that you would have a clue about that movie or the breakfast club, or gone with the wind, or war and peace or of mice and men,.the green mile, or any other film old or current that doesn't have some bimbo flashing her tata's  Because that stuff probably isn't hip or cool or the shnizzel in the hinizzle  or whatever the fuck new non english word you idiots will make up because you can't possibly use a thesaurus to find alternate real words.

Also giving less credibility this dance off took place in a freaking bowling alley. so this is either a scene out of Porkeys or Grease.  Both of which I would assume you have never seen or  you would know that a dance off between 2 kids under 17 in a bowling ally is more gay than tube socks with 8o's basketball shorts.

Really you won with the moon walk?  1 out of of 3 people can moon walk,  only 1 out of 5 can properly do the tootsie roll. Plus you had more yes men there than Jadan ( because Robots don't need a  lot of body guards) so if you judged it by applause then of course you won, they were all on your payroll.

On your way out can you please take those sparkly ass vampires and bad boy werewolves with you?  Frankly I am pretty sick of adult women acting like 12 year olds over this crap.

I enjoyed the ride, thanks for the fish ( from a book you probably will never read)

Pits of the Peach

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

10 Truths about Camping

Ok I am back. I have been gone, say you missed me and I will come over and comment on your blog and sing your praises, if you don't own a blog I will send my dalmatian over to kiss you, he's super affectionate. (and in time out with me anyway as you will find out in a minute.)

In case you didn't notice due to my extreme journalistic professionalism. Stop laughing damnit. ( That's code for I wrote posts and had them set to auto publish while I was gone.)  News flash I have been gone since Friday morning- yes that's like 5 days of a total lack of internet and communications.

News flash 2- I lived.

So anyway I figured out 10 Truths of Camping that are pretty much the rule and here they are.

1- If you built your house in the deep woods and have a 500 foot driveway and never see humans unless you drive over 2 miles then camping has little appeal unless you are a 9 year old boy who never goes camping.

2- Camping in a huge RV is not really like camping it's more like sleeping poorly crammed in your half bath if you move all your food in there and had people play crappy music loudly in the living room and realatives wake you up all night.

3- No matter how much you love your family,  when they fart in a small enclosed space it is a viable defense in a criminal trial.

4- No matter how much you love your family, the one who wakes up at 4am every morning is the one who sleeps in the one area of the RV you could sleep through all the noise that person is going to make at 4am.

5- If you are camping at a campground you have never camped at, once you are set up you will find out you picked pretty much the crappiest spot on earth and there were 40 choices that would have been better but you are not about to tear down camp and set it up again so you will just deal with it and pretend it's FANTASTIC to the other adults so they don't get crazy moving ideas in their head.

6- big huge luxury RV's are like doing Calculus when your are drunk off MD20/20, and were exposed to IV Opium with a Valium chaser. There are generators, grey water, white water, onans, converters, pilot lights, flip switches, and fuses. Most of the shit wont work because your Dad owns the RV and can't remember how to work anything so assumes it's all broken including the awning and fridge so you buy 10 bags of ice a day and explain to your elderly parents why you don't eat open mayo that has been at room temp for 3 days. They must then tell you 5 hour stories of how they made their own mayo from the gravel on the road they walked to school up hill both ways 30 miles in the snow barefoot between their 5 jobs when they were 7 years old. You will shut up and eat the mayo with an imodium sandwich.

7- A husband who has an IQ that places him in Mensa that has not spent 20 hours off the net since 1995 can indeed go 3 days without internet.  However he will think a rented Kayak can fit in a Mini Van and when you point out that it's touching the windshield his response will be " no shit".  Then he will shamefully come to you a few hours later explaining that Kayak busted out the windshield of your minivan even though he didn't even go over a bump or anything but since it's day 4 you will be too tired and covered in dirt to be pissed or argue. 

8- Your 9 year old is pretty literal. When his pawpaw taught him how to tie a hook on a fishing line and then how to put the worm on the hook then took him fishing for 3 hours and they didn't even get a nibble. He will say something like, " PawPaw said today we weren't really fishing, we were just drowning the worms, tomorrow we will try to fish since we got the worms dead."

9- Some campgrounds are just filled with rednecks of all levels.  
To our left - was the RV whisperer. He got our fridge working ( day 3), He got our white water dumped ( day 3), explained how to open the awning ( day 4), replaced bathroom light bulb ( day 2), he had 2 huge RV's and 2 boats, he even let the prince borrow a life jacket 3 times, and fixed the generator, refused any payment or thanks.
To our right - were the people who rented a pull through concrete RV site with power and water for their pup tent. They secured cardboard boxes and had huge but short lived very dangerous fires 3 feet from their tent and Truck(s) every night.  On night 3  they got so drunk they decided a fight would be a good idea, she threated to shoot "his dumb redneck ass"  ( pretty sure there were just as many guns as campers) and he stumbled out of the tent with his Pabst blue ribbon beer in hand crossed 3 camp sites to pee next to our van.
Behind us-  An RV that had over 15 cars or more at all times, professional sound system speakers on stands all pointing in every direction other than at their own campsites.  They played Johnny Cash,  Hank Williams Sr., Patsy Cline, and every other dead old country musician in addition to night 2 of the bluegrass jam out.  Now this wouldn't be so bad if it ended but their "sleep" or "pass out" or  "shut their shit off"  period was from between 2am and 9am. Other than that you had to yell at our campsite.
In Front of us-  People that clearly hated the music from the rednecks behind us so they turned on their truck(s) radios to play rap songs with absolutely filthy lyrics as loud as they could  so it sounded like totally crap and you couldn't make it out clearly. That was kind of a blessing because I didn't have to explain to my 9 year old what some of those words and phrases meant. Plus their batteries died within a few hours.
air guitar play off, I think they were each playing a song from different camping neighbors.

10- Jungle Fever isn't just a song or movie.  It's what happens when you go camping and decide to hike on a "scenic trail" after a long day of kayaking and are delirious from rancid mayo.

Don't get excited you closet fiends, I am pretty sure that's a plant of pokey death, not a
happy hemp plant on the "scenic route" hiking trip of death 

So there you go.   All in all it was a fantastic trip. Thanks much in part to the RV whisperer dude.  

**  3 fingernails, 1 ankle, 1 doge grand caravan windshield, 3 packs of hot dogs  were indeed harmed in the making of this post**

** Also my Dalmatian punished me for not taking him by pulling 1 shoe from 4 pairs off the shoe rack and chewing it to oblivion, along with a bag of chips ahoy, box of honey buns, and capri drink, and my electric duster all met their doom at his hands. uhm mouth. **

If you want to see more pics and a nicer more meaningful 
story of the trip go to
BeingPeachy.com click here

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Are you a Bitchasourus Rex

After I published the first edition of My Peachy to English dictionary  I got a couple of emails saying that they felt a little bitchy sometimes but were not sure if they were a full fledge Brontosaurus Bitch.  
Image from 

In the hopes of clearing some things up for everyone I have created this little Q & A because if you have or ever have had a uterus you have indeed been a bitch at some time in your life.  But there's a big difference between being bitchy, justifiable bitchiness, Leader of  the Bitch Pack and then the colossal bitch as mentioned above.  

This is easy just answer yes or no honestly to the questions below.

1. Have you ever clubbed a baby seal?
2. Have you ever sealed a baby cub in a ziplock?
3. Were you stuffed in a locker more than 3 times in your school career and now see the internet as your place to be a drama whore shitard with self designated importance that's more see through than Brittany Spears invisible panties?
4. After being bonded out for curb stomping a stupid bitch did you have your parents co-sign and put their house up for collateral but you took an impromptu trip to Amsterdam and missed court thus causing your elderly parents to live in a cardboard box?
5. Have you ever stabbed a door to door salesmen?
6. Have you ever slapped the eyebrows off a lab tech?
7. Have you ever rolled up your window at a drive through and refused to move up and wait?
8. Have you ever bitten the head off a kitten and then posted a picture of it to your facebook?
9. have you ever taped spray paint cans to your body, torn duct tape around your ankles and a pocket watch in your hand for a meeting at work or school?
10.  Have you ever made a lampshade, coat, scarf, mittens or hat out of an annoying neighbor?

Right now you maybe be thinking to yourself, " Crap, I am a total Bitchasaurus Rex".   But is this because you thought of doing this, wanted to do this or actually did this.  Because only a yes I actually did this already counts as a yes.  Don't make it complicated.

Now count your yes's, and here's your score.
< than 1- Nope your a saint
1-2-  you May be a Super Bitch and sit on the Board of Directors but sometimes you have to straighten out  people.
> than 3-  You have wifi in jail and they let you read my blog?

I hope this clears it up, feel free to post your score in the comments.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Because your kiss

Anyone remember Hall and Oats?  If not I am going to need to see your ID if you are reading my blogs.

1 song in particular is the musical score for this post.

The reason is Rachel from TheRachelChronicles   sent me this and it's so fitting.

I am impressed with the detail and planning. I am a list fiend ( see OCD list making fool) so this works for more, I am just a bit depressed they haven't made a phone ap for this yet, although I don't have a cool phone that runs aps so I guess I don't care, and I will put my phone on the top of my shit list.

enjoy your weekend, may your shit list be short.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Why I need an Island

I used to work 40-50 hours a week at a high stress, suit type job.
I used to drag my kids to every event/function/practice/exhibition/cultural experience.
I used to take off in the car with no planned route calling it an adventure and singing in the car.
I used to go out a lot and could often be seen with a microphone in my hand for one reason or another.
I was like Norm at Cheers. When I would walk in a place people would yell my name and get up to hug me.
I was once even elected to a small position that I took very serious and enjoyed.

Not anymore.  I started on a mission to be comfortable and have dedicated my life to Pajamas and this darling laptop of mine. At some point I went from being a social butterfly to a very anti social often pissed off troll.

It's like my adoration of the human race has been sucked out of me and I need to be sent off to an island to live alone.  But what's weird is there are some people I really like, I would do anything for them and I would want them on my island because I love them like a cat loves catnip. They seem to get me. Even if our opinions differ we still support and laugh at and with each other.  So obviously I need an island.

Now if I have to answer my doorbell or phone I cringe.  If I have to actually get dressed and leave my house I feel like I should bring a paper bag for a probable hyperventilation event or a baseball bat and a criminal defense lawyer.

I wonder if  the burly hillbilly at the door trying to sell meat off the back of his truck is thinking how many pounds of rump roast he could get by cutting up my body out here in the woods, where no one can see or hear my murder.

I wonder if the person on the phone wanting me to do a phone survey knows that I have more than likely had a conversation with someone about zombies, jedi's, ninjas, scary clowns, or speedos in the last 30 minutes and should probably not have an opinion that is valued.

I am not sure if this event is happening everywhere or just in my state.

It appears the human race is getting more stupid, irresponsible and all around incompetent.   

Or more logically,  I am turning into a seriously heinous bitch.

Since I was forced out of my Pajama vacation/lifestyle several times in the last few days, I noticed how acute this situation is.  The following things happened in the past 3 days, and there is one common denominator me. So clearly mathematics would teach us I am the cause.

Example 1-  I don't have a Dr, I have a Physicians Assistant, but he got promoted to over seas all the PA's so he passed me and my medical issues down to a Assistant to the Physician Assistant which I will call an APA, who told me to come and see him for a follow up but when I went in, I saw a Nurse.  I am thinking the worse my case gets the less qualified my medical provider will be.  I expect next time I go in I will see the receptionist and the visit after that the janitor, then probably a 1st grader.  This pisses me off.  I pay for my insurance.

Example 2- The Nurse managed to mess up all of my Rx's because she didn't understand what they were for or what my dx was.  So I spent 2 hours on the phone to leave a phone consult to get an appointment that is two weeks from now to follow up on the follow up where my meds were messed up. Excellent.

Example 3- The Stupid Bitch known as the Young Tech at the lab who though I was a pin cushion while she acted like a 15 year old in the High School Parking lot.  I even wrote a post about her( click here).  And how I wanted to slap the eyebrows off her face.

Example 4-  Big Chain Store Tire Guy- I have a flat, I am driving on the spare I pull in with the flat tire with road hazard warranty on it in the back. He see's me pull up and wait at the sign that says wait. He sits down and eats, a small child, a danish. Wipes his pudgy hands on his greasy shirt and then goes inside the store for a while. He comes back out with his hand held bar code thingy and saunters up to me like I am intruding on his non work schedule. I explain I have the warranty and a flat and he explains it's against the law to fix the tire since it's a 2006, even though the receipt I show him states I bought it in 2009.  He said yeah you have to watch that.  Watch WHAT? YOU? you sell me 3 year old tires and a warranty on them that you don't have to back up because the tire you sold me was old and you say, " I should watch that?"  oh ok, I see the error of my ways in assuming you  weren't a cheating scum bag.

Example 4b- Big Chain Store Tire Guy-  OH yeah dude last time I was here I had you replace that right front tire here's the receipt, on the way home my hubcap flew off and I turned around and crawled through a snake infested ditch to get it back can you put it back on?    NO?  It's broke?  Somebody broke it putting it on?  OH,  so I am screwed?  Ok cool. Thanks.

Example 5-  Politics.  You can't win.  If you disagree with either or both sides on even 1 point you are screamed at by either or both sides for being an idiot.  Apparently at some point we stopped being a country where we could respect each others view points and still disagree and turned into a country of OMG your are so stupid and I am so smart cause I read it on the internet.    If you have the balls to write a serious article about politics, have the brains to actually research the material.  Both sides, all views, the good the bad the ugly, and then using your own voice put out the article instead of regurgitating more useless drivel that serves only the people who are actually making money from this entire High School like popularity contest. The Politicians.

Example 6- Several phone calls from someone in my past to complain that their hand is just totally on fire and OMG they even had a chest x-ray and they are going to see a neurologist and their life is over and could I help them out because OMG the world is ending.  First of all. I have known you my entire life, you're a certified idiot.  If your hand is on fire take it off the stove burner where you have probably left it so you could scream how horrible your life is.  The life that you never worked a day in your life for but instead has been handed to you through tax dollars and the pity of the many many charities you scam.  Do me a favor. Lose my number.

Example 7- An elementary school teacher.  Who in just 4 weeks of school, has done all of the following.
Failed to give my kid his asthma medicine after I jumped through flaming hula hoops to get all the school forms and rx bottles properly completed by an actual Doctor before school started.
Had a ridiculous list of supplies for me to purchase and has not used even one of them for my kid yet.
Had  a face to face meeting with  me and my husband on day 4 of school because they are using some -/. code for all assignments and simply write a number on an erase board  ie:  9.4/7-e   and admitted the system may be confusing to 9 year olds.
Made my kid walk laps in 100 degree weather right after we had the meeting to discuss the folder with the ./- system because even though that was what the  meeting was about I didn't initial it.  OH yeah and no he didn't get his asthma medicine first.
Instead of answering any of my written notes to her, just circled words in my notes in red pen so that I could try to put them in an order that may be an answer.
Sends home all classwork and school work for the entire week on every Monday because it takes up too much class time to hand out these photo copied worksheets every day.  But the kids can only do that day's work on that day.
If you chose the job to be a teacher. Here is a really out of the box kind of idea, how about TEACHING !  Don't hand a kid over 60 photo copied worksheets for a week and test 5 days a week. Put them on auto function mode and use the code words , " students responsibility" for " I am too lazy to do my job"  If you are too busy working on your degree to actually teach or you figured out you hate the job, quit.  There are plenty of qualified dedicated people who would love your job.

Example 8-  The bank.  They have initiated a policy that if you do not use your atm/debit card within 14 days it is suspended and you have to psychically go into a branch and have it reactivated.  This is Bullshit.  I live in podunkville yall.  I am also on a pajama vacation and I might go 3 or 16 days without every opening my front door ( unless that meat guy comes by).  Plus this isn't my main account so I don't use it that much.  I can't think of a better way to get me to close all 3 of my accounts with you.

Example 9-  A phone call from someone that although I love them dearly. I wouldn't trust them with a spork  and playdough, as they have proven they are capable of EPIC bad choices,  and lack the comprehension of responsibility in a way that exceeds anything previously known on the planet.  This person moves town to town state to state. In college we called it, "couch surfing".  But I am not sure there is always a couch involved.  Yet this person thought it would be a FANTASTIC idea to call me from a borrowed cell phone from an Animal Shelter in another state and ask me to "co-sign" for them to get a dog.  UHM WHAT?  My dogs and cats are always rescue or shelter animals.  But really how could I vouch for this person to be responsible for a helpless unconditionally loving animal to be placed in their care or lack there of.  I couldn't.  So the call ended with me being cussed out for saying I didn't think it was a good idea until they were more stable.

So that's an average of 3 people a day for the last 3 days that have made me absolutely lose my cool. Even if just within my own mind.   This is not good, this is not normal, this is not ok.  I am the happy go lucky, "make it work" go to girl.    Now I am just a growling snarling festering troll.   I looked at the calendar and I can't even use PMS as an excuse.

Is there a medicine that makes you less angry/stabby/annoyed/mean/hateful/hyperventalty ?  If so, what is it and what do I need to say to the janitor to get the RX for it.

I have to go out again today I hope I am able to avoid any more "situations" that make me question this theory.