Sunday, February 27, 2011


I have been a bit "AWOL" and rumors flew around the internet like panties at a VanHalen Concert. I had seriously awesome guest posters cover both blogs and now owe them most of my internal organs not ravaged by alcohol/stupidity or both ( note- I do not poses enough organs that meet the criteria so repayment will be based upon the amount of door to door salesmen that stumble by my house).

We all know I avoid rarely go into public, because it's against my religion  lawyers advice.   Unfortunately in the last 15 days I have HAD to go into public a lot, like nearly every day. For things I didn't want anyway, so I was already all grouchy and stuff.

I noticed about day 3 that one of my tires was going low,  I kept airing it up and  trudging on. Around Day six, I decided I better get a new tire or I would end up in a ditch in deliverance country and have to chew my own leg off to survive and be haunted by banjo music.

Mistake 1-  getting dressed and leaving the house to get tire fixed.  It just pretty much went downhill from there.

I go to the tire shop and they give me an estimate.  I remind them I would like the cheapest possible tire since they had a sign that said " we do not accept lap dances as payment". 

I left for a couple hours and walked back.  I handed them my credit card they swiped, I signed, walked out.

Walking to the car I look down at the little bitty crappy out of ink credit card recipet and my brain nearly shut down.  $375?  WTF?   They said around  $75.   So I round my P.O.S. looking to see if I have all new tires, nope, in fact they didn't even put the hub cap thing back on the tire they replaced.

Steaming pissed and in total disbelief I climb into my crappy van with empty mc griddle wrappers and jam my freakin key in the ignition contimplating  what the bail would be if I went back in there with a tire iron and had my bill adjusted.
I slam the POS into R.

My freaking GPS is GONE.   

Yes the one I lovingly call Dick Dick, and  he returns by constantly telling me to "turn around" , "turn around", " turn around".  The little electronic male co-Pilot that proudly proclaims, " you are at your destination"  when I am in the middle of a field or on the top of a bridge.
Like a freaking steaming ranting Loony Toon  I don't even know if I put the damn car back in park, but I bailed and and headed in the Tire Place like Bull with a bee in my bonnet.
me pissed off and loosing it
Being the shrinking violet I am. I butted my way to the front of the line saying things like, "sorry, they owe me a kiss"  or  "excuse me but I have to get my panties back."

The guy at the counter see's me and my apparently has been in a relationship with an insane red head because as I neared the counter he took a deep breath and stepped back.

him- Can I help you?
me- Yeah you can kiss me since you fucked me.
him- uh
me- oh yeah can I see your stapler?
him- uhm yes mama
me- now whose the SOB with the new GPS?
him- uhm mama? I uhm,  let me get you a manager.
me- Yeah tell him to bring me my panties, k bitch?
Mangager-  Mama is there a problem?
me- Dude I am about to go all fuckin wild eyed ass kicking up here, first you ass fuck me by charging me $375 for "A" TIRE?  the blue book on that piece of shit isn't $375!!!  Then as a wipe your dick on the curtains bonus one of your dudes steals my GPS.
Manager- why don't we go in the office.
me- why don't you just fuck me some more right here in front of all your customers pussy boy.
Manager- I am going to need you to calm down can I see your receipt?
me- I'm gonna need to shove this fucking stapler up some bodies ass, you have 5 seconds to pick the victim.

I ball up my reciept and throw it at him,  take a step out the door and call my husband to prep him to get bail money.

He answers his WORK phone and I begin to scream in the phone the insane situation and that I am indeed going to go to jail but I am taking out a couple of these bitches on the way.  They fucking charged us $375 for a tire and stole my DICK DICK!!!!!
He waits for me to finish my cussing ass fucking with a stapler need bail money tyraid. I finally take a breath and I hear multiple male snickers.  Shit I'm on the fucking speaker? 

Calmly says, " honey I am in a meeting but you do realize that you loaned your GPS to your friend in December when he was moving to Utah right?"


I walk back in the entire customer base is cowering like I am some masked bank robber and a couple of them are on board.  When the manager points out that I was only charged $75 but due to their being low on ink ( not my poor eyesight) I had confused  the $ with a 3.

I had nothing. Nothing but my quick thinking and tricks from blog land.  So stealing a page from the queen of all excuses, PAM the BBF of Holly.  I grabbed my forehead and loudly, "OMG my blood sugar, it's my blood sugar somebody get me a mint !"  and collapsed into a chair.

I was offered a mint and a coke. I took 2 sips and said, " OMG I feel so much better wow.  What happened?  Holy cow, is my car ready? oh it is? thank you so much you have done a wonderful job."

Then I  Tyra Banks style stomped throwing hips around like I was on the run way from the building to my waiting chariot of shame and sped off.  Like a freaking Diva.
Yeah it's probably a really really good idea not to let me out in public much.



*Disclaimer*- no one actually got assfucked with a stapler. However I did make them chocolated dipped fruit, home made cookies, homemade bannana bread and delivered them with a letter of apology, which I signed with a fake name.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Screw Waldo we have a situation here.

Here on the Pits the rumors are flying around like panties at a Van Halen concert.
Friday Cobra Sistah @ReckMonster  Michelle from Rantings of a ReckMonster  came over and did a guest post.   Then Monday we were graced with Oil Field Trash from Make Daddy a Sammich.

Via all the guest posts over at Being Peachy it has become clear thanks to JC  (@littleanimation) (http://www.theanimatedwoman) and Why is Daddy Crying  ( @whyisdaddycrying) ( ) ThePeachy1 is all kinds of missing.  It started on Friday when  non blogger @FlyDDW wrote his first blog post and it was as a guest here,  and she's been all kinds of missing every since?  Did he fly her away to some place awesome?  Then the great Anissa Mayhew brought us a glimpse of Mayhewba.  ( @anissamayhew) ( ).

What no one can figure out is .  WHERE IS THEPEACHY1?

Who knows-

where is peachy
click here to make bigger

See if you can find her above, then leave your guess of what's actually going on or where she is in the comments.  Yesterdays guesses were way awesome.

Thursday, February 24, 2011


I can't come to the internet right now because I am
a) dating the chick that felt me up at TSA
b) being probed by aliens
c) smuggling a water buffalo internationally
d) capturing the aurora boriealis in a jar
e) can't find the proper code to my time machine
g) getting fitted for my oscars gear because you guys don't know that I am actually nominated
h) doing Lindsey Lohans nails for her next court appearance.
i)  in the witness protection program because I am the one that cut Justank Beavers hair and now all the little girls want to kill me
j)  trying to help my Dr's and Surgeons put their kids through college and buy a yacht named after me
k)  in private meetings with Stan Lee in regards to my new super powers and working on my "comic book"
l) had all my electronics taken by homeland security since my 9 yr old emailed the president and Governor saying, I may just be a kid but this is American so you work for me,  do you wear a seatbelt?"
m) Brendan Fraser showed up and duct taped my husband in the hall closet so we could have alone time and I figured since he went to all that trouble it would be rude of me to blog in between make out sessions.
n)  got a ticket to Hollywood on American Idol and now I have to sing for big lips, big ass, and big dog.
o) actually re anacting every scene from the "Bourne Identity"  which involves a lot of  freaking false document  creation
p)  decided to start building a pool for spring, by digging with a spoon.
q) tried to duct tape my boobs up where they belong for a Mardi Gras ball and got my hand stuck to my boobs and can't get loose, but my boobs look awesome.
r) working out custody arrangements for my youngest kid with Bill Nye the science guy.
s) had to go back to stripping due to the economy and have been busy trying to find sparkley orthopedic stripper heels
t) caught a unicorn in my acme unicorn trap and he keeps zapping me with rainbow power from his horn every time I go near him
u)  am doing time in the big house because I ran naked onto a PGA Golf course and my boob hit a couple players now we are all doing the tour.
v) helping Brett Farves wife make sure he ends up completely broke and homeless with an IHOP waitress
w) on a super secret mission to resolve world peace in the middle east
x) trying to use Lady GaGa in my sons egg breaking science experiment
y) letting Charlie Sheen detox in my house which is hard since I have a lot of vodka.
z) feeling so inadequate after all of these awesome guest posters that I am rocking back and forth and questioning my abilities and worth.

So go read this guest post by a couple of my friends who clearly rock hard.



Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I'm AWOL thought you should know..

As most of your know I have had 4 of the most awesomest ever guest posters who filled in for me at a moments notice on Thursday night  I can  NOT thank them enough.  They all got a special bagdge and personal song.

I covered the Peachy1's ass like granny panties.

FlyDDW- who does not have a blog and it was his first go around on BeingPeachy on Friday.

Here at the Pits Michelle the RECK MONSTER) my Cobrs Sister announced my new super hero name "Boom Slang"  if you missed her post then you aren't going to get the joke.

ON Monday  Oil Field Trash  from Make Daddy a sammich was here and he  talked about how freaking edibale all peaches but me are.

Then here on Monday, over on BeingPeachy, the one, the only, the bitch I 
would enjoy getting arrested with 

But alas I had no clue that Surgery on Friday would bring me back on Tuesday,  you know yesterday as in the day before the  GIANORMOUS science fair for the Prince is due? Which would be TODAY!   For those of you keeping score.  2 oral surgeries and a science far project.

Happy?  why yes, because it's over.  the Prince put in a lot of work so check him out y'all.

Just youtube search   the Alex Eperiments and you will get his chanel.   Or you can simply watch his science fair dvd here.  The kid really loves to see his numbers go up.  If you comment or like the video chances are he will chest bump hard enough to knock me down.

Here's a picture of him taking it to school this morning.

Here's alex's science fair project turned nin toay
( apparently I am incapable of taking a non blurry pictures when I am shaking in pain)

You can do his anonymous survey here

or see his obvious need for a teleprompter here,  where separate from the project he issues a CLICK IT CHALLENGE to the world because his findings during the project made him sad.

either way the kids love views, likes and comments.  So do my little princely homepickle a solid and give him some love, like, views, or comments on youtube.

In the mean time  I will try to continue with the healing and hope you stick around and keep my out of the hospital.

Also not one person has offered to take or pick up my kid from school, make my husband and kid dinner or drive me to my surgeries.  I hate that society as a hole has changed so much. Because I remember welcoming new people into the neighborhood with baked goodies,   making surplus meals when the head female in charge was sick, or taking care of the kids for a sick friend.  I am all kind of sad trombone that my rotting corpse would only be located when people noticed that my husband and kid were wearing dirt loin cloths.



Monday, February 21, 2011

Peaches Rule

Happy Monday to you fine lovers of the Peach, my name is Oilfield Trash from Make Daddy A Sammich. As you know our good friend Peachy is out on sick leave this week at the farmers market getting her peach rebuilt with a new pit and some new peach fuzz.

So with her out, I thought I would tell you a little bit about peaches.

Peaches are at the top of the fruit world. Yes peaches are even above strawberries on the fruit world chart of greatness.

Nothing comes close to the peach in terms of flavor and in terms of what you can make with them.

Peach pie, peach cobbler, peach flavored oatmeal, peach tea, peach milkshakes, peach yogurt, canned peaches, fresh peaches, and tons of other stuff can be made into something peachy.

Peaches are all over pop culture as well.

The Allman Brothers Band named one of their albums “Eat A Peach”.

Ever heard of the “Peach Bowl”?

Even sexual innuendos can be made from peaches. Ever heard that Steve Miller Band song “The Joker” where they sing “really love your peaches; wanna to shake your tree.” If you have never heard that song, than you are living under a rock.

How in the hell did peaches become sexual you ask? Well I will tell you. They are fuzzy like a vagina. They are juicy like a vagina. Enough said. If they ever start making vagina that tastes like peaches, I am in deep trouble.

I guess what I am saying is that peaches rock the world. You never hear a song about strawberries or a football bowl game named after a grape. There is a reason for that.

So while Peachy is out at the farmers market I urge each and every one of you to go out and consume some delicious peachy goodness in any form that you can.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Boomslang sister!

Greetings, friends of the Peachster!  The Reckmonster here.  I am doing a little guest post for Peachy while she hurries her ass up and gets better recuperates from her surgery.  I'm quite honored to be hanging out on the Peachster's blog.  Peachy and I are "Cobra Sisters."  That's an inside joke...I'll get to it in a minute.

First and foremost, I want to wish heaps and mounds and tons of love and happy thoughts to our beloved Peachy while she is on the mend...  I personally made a HUGE sacrifice (involving ceasing and desisting with some activities involving my neighbor's goat...) when I got on the red phone to the Big Guy upstairs, to personally GUARANTEE Peachy's hasty recovery and all things good, because, y'know, she's like the HBoBG ("Head Bitch of Blogging Goddesses"), and we NEED her to be feeling all good and shit.  SOOOO...Peachy, get well soon...dammit, I gave up the goat!

Now, our good friend Miley was kind enough to "introduce" me to the Peachster.  What we didn't KNOW was that we kind of already "knew" each other.  See, Peachy is a military brat, and so am I.  Peachy lived in Thailand and so did I (and roughly around the same time, but she consulted with her elephant memory daddy...and alas, he did not know my dadster - but chances are, they probably knew the same people).  

Okay, so, I fancy myself one day becoming a secret deadly ninja assassin.  Like one of the "Kill Bill" chicks.  I've even given myself my code name:  The Spitting Cobra.  Peachy thought that was funny, so she started saying, "Cobra Sisters Unite!"

Well, you all know that Peachy brings the verbal ninja assassin game to an all new level.  That's why I decided to induct her into the "new" krewe (and I say it like that 'cuz it's getting closer to Mardi Gras, and she lives down there in Mardi Gras land) of Kill Bill secret deadly ninja assassins.  It took me a little while to figure out what "code name" to give the HBoBG.  I mean, it's sooooo not fucking scary to go around calling oneself the HBoBG (even if it IS a super cool thing to be).

I googled "deadly snakes" to see what I could come up with.  I wanted to call Peachy "Copperhead" because, well, she's one of them thar fiery chiquitas, but that damned bitch Vivica Fox took that code name.  Hooker.  She doesn't even have red hair.

I googled and googled until my eyes almost popped out of my head, because the truth is, I fucking HATE snakes with a deep, dark, furry, purple passion, and looking at all of those pictures of snakes really creeped me out.  There was nothing "cool" that popped out (the damned hookers from the original Kill Bill ninja asssassin krewe took all of the rock star deadly snake names).  And then...I happened upon a snake I had never heard of, and, it was DEADLY, with a rock star name. 

Deadly Boomslang, Bitches!!
See Peachy sticking out
her tongue at you?!
BOOMSLANG.  Yes, Boomslang.  

The Wikepedia sez:    
boomslang (Dispholidus typus) is a relatively small, venomous colubrid snake native tosub-Saharan Africa.[1] It is currently the only species in its genus, although several species and subspecies have been described in the past. Its name means "tree snake" in Afrikaansand Dutch[2] ("boom" meaning tree (a cognate of "beam" which means a long and large piece of wood, generally a support in a building), and "slang" meaning snake).

I say, what a HELLA cool name!  But then I read a little further, and the Wikipedia also sez:  

The venom of the boomslang is primarily a hemotoxin. It disables the blood clotting process and the victim may well die as a result of internal and external bleeding.[1][4] Other signs and symptoms include: headachenausea, sleepiness and mental disorders.    

I would TOTALLY buy that.  If Peachy injects her venom into you - the signs and symptoms are headache, nausea, sleepiness and MENTAL DISORDERS!!!  Hell Yeah!!  If Peachy strikes at you, you will die a slow, sleepy, nauseous, headachey death, all the while looking like a total nut case.  Could that BE any more appropriate?!

Big hugs and get-well wishes to the Boomslang sister!

On behalf of Peachy, Reckmonster out!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

falling down

There is no explanation of what has happened over the last few days to make me into this

I am a humor blogger, your laugh booty call.  So instead of doing nothing more than airing a shit ton of personal insanity dirty laundry.  I opt to skip out. To fall down.  Honestly I wish I had the balls of the guy in falling down.  Far too many people need a wake up call.  But also instead of being like him I am actually like  this

But with less money, cameras, make up and fake nails,and I hope a hella lot less crazy.

I know you come here for the funny, which means I am not holding up my end of the bargain. I do apologize but if I tried to spit out some bullshit funny post today it would turn out like Brittaney shaving her fucking head and you would just be seriously confused.  So I opted to step out from behind my curtain of protection and be honest.  Right now my fucked up meter is reading full, and my sanity and humor meter is running on empty.
If you don't come back I get it.  I don't need or want your sympathy I dropped the ball. My job was to provide you with a laugh or a hell yeah, but I am fresh out.
Well except for this which sort of fits the mood perfectly.

This is probably the best EVER therapy session on the planet.  At least in my opinion, which is why I don't have one.



Wednesday, February 16, 2011

an Ode To Wednesdays and all it's labels

It's Wednesday.  I will honor all the labels we have for today.

WTG Wednesday-

Thank you for beating Justin Bieber, you are like David, or you give one hella blow job! Either way WTG !

 WTF Wednesday-


Hump Day
You go Big guy we are all pulling for you!

Dry Hump Day

so many dry hump scenes in this  movie - Couples Retreat. 

  Wordless Wednesday 



Tuesday, February 15, 2011

toilets and conspiracies or why we need take out in space.

This morning I went to get up and it was hard work.   If it weren't for my hybrid dalmatian rooster/alarm clock I could be dreaming about important stuff right now.
 So I fought the good fight and made it out of bed and into my chair where I parked my   Huge Lazy
adorable self so I could watch TV while I had my laptopWork. I mean truly I am really good at multi tasking.   But  I dropped the remote  was attacked out of no where, and it smashed on the floor and I had to bend over rescue it to get it and try to pop the batteries back in  repair it. Whatever.  It's raining. Wait no it's not. I really need my windows cleaned.  

How come when ever you hear a maid they say, " I don't do windows!".  If I were a maid I would be like, " I don't do toilets!"  because GROSS, wouldn't a window be a tad less gross to clean than a strangers toilet?
But I don't really have to worry about that because I very confident I will not be a maid.  It's not that I wouldn't, it's that I can't, I suck at cleaning y'all.  Really.   No shit, I just do,  I could be a cook? I mean if I had somebody to do the dishes or something.

You may be asking yourself, "self , how does this all relate in the grand scheme of things?"   I have answers. I have uncovered a conspiracy. Yes you heard it and now you are part of the AGBSCL . It stands for Anti Gravity Boycotting Sagging Conspiracy League.  (I wanted to call it the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen but since I don't know any gentlemen and I am a chick that wouldn't be smart, and if nothing else boy am I smart.  Because I figured all this out and only a smart person could.)  That's right Gravity we are on to you and your devious ways.  I know your the law and all that but laws were made to be broken.  I am all about breaking you buddy.

After a boatload of scientific type studies I have some pretty resounding facts.

Fact 1- Gravity makes it hard to get up in the morning, it actually tries to keep you in your warm cozy bed, which may seem all nice, but it's not. It's a plot to keep you from being productive, so all of gravities friends can get better jobs and steal your friends because you wont get out of your bed.

Fact 2- Gravity made the rain fall DOWN, down do you hear me people?  Thus causing puddles and mud and in some areas flooding. If it weren't for gravity we would not be having these issues.  It could rain up, and then voila no more gravity induced watery type issues.

Fact 3 - It is a proven fact that gravity hates all my technology devices. Including the remote I broke it attacked this morning. 

Fact 4 - This is probably the biggest and most important 1. I have factual scientific proof that gravity is trying to make me NOT sexy anymore.  That's  right, and chances are it's happening to you and possibly the people you love.

exhibit A - My boobs, my boobs that were once all bouncy and smexy  are slowly but surely turning into pendulous tripping objects. Yes I actually fear that one day I could trip on my own boob. This is bad people, I am not graceful anyway and throwing a boob in the mix well that just spells disaster. Did I mention that if I fail to sleep with a sports bra I may or may not have to wake my husband up and ask him to get OFF my boob?

"I could probably levitate easier with out Gravity.

My body in the eighties with parts where they are supposed to be

exhibit B- My butt.  I had a really cute butt. I mean like not quite junk in the trunk butt,  but the butt was in proper proportion and place in perspective of my former boobs.  However I have noticed that maybe my thighs aren't getting huge as much as my butt is dropping. At some point I may no longer be able to differentiate between the 2. This is a crushing blow.

 My saggy body parts after gravity

* Side note-  however my husbands butt, which was a nice butt, has now moved completely away. His has not dropped but instead appears to be moving around to the front near his naval, which scientifically means he sleeps on his side and thus gravity pulled his butt around.  This look was best described by my daughter who said, " Dad looks like a frog stood up and pulled on pants."   Clearly either gravity is discriminating against us based on sex or he is in league with gravity and not my league.  I may have to re-think dinner options for him if further evidence piles up against him.

frog butt


I have been worried about this entire gravity conspiracy thing for a while, and come to one conclusion. I have to move to space.  Have I ever told you how much I hate moving?  However if I lived in space I could turn my xbox up really loud when we play rock band because no one would complain.  Also No grass to cut. Hell to the yeah on that one.  I don't think there are bee's in space either which is yet another huge plus.  But the lack of ability to have take out for dinner may be a deal breaker.  So if there are any entrepreneurs out there might I suggest investing in space take out.  Right now that's the only thing holding me back.  Well that and GRAVITY... it's everywhere... ARG.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Knights in Shining Armor or Asshats in TinFoil

DOUBLE WHAMMY !   Today you seriously need back up.  It's one of the most emotional days combined with a Monday.  For a very few the Holiday will over ride the sheer shitness that is in fact a Monday for others, the Holiday will slam this Monday into the halls of fantastical give me a second bottle of wine while I cry fame.

Could fate have lined up a more perfect slap in the face than aligning these 2 dates?   Oh my dears I will try to help you here, but you will need the force  as you watch that chick in the office who is a schmuck get roses or whatever else she doesn't deserve , and the twit be presented with a new ring even though you sit there knowing you are worth 10 fold more than that.

Unless you are the one that gets them and everyone at work will then hate you.

It's a no win situation.

I have been on both sides of this over the massive amount of years I have stumbled around this planet as the owner of a pair of boobs.

I know you are thinking OMG I bet ThePeachy1 is just always flooded with love and adoration from those in her real life so lucky to be in her real life because OMG she is so freaking awesome that anyone around here must quiver in the shadow of her greatness.

Yes you are right. Unfortunately my dogs suck at shopping and their credit is trash.  My kids always come through with the love.  But my husband is called the droid because he for nearly 2 decades has been amazingly void of the ability to recognize that I am a needy narcissist who CRUMBLES INTO A PILE OF TEARS OR PISSED if not confirmed as worthy.

So here is a graph I made, a Rose graph using all data from my 16th birthday  regarding Valentines day gifts I have received over the years.  To let you know in realistic fashion what this day has traditionally  meant to me for decades.

I didn't marry the Droid until I was 27 so there are other relationships and single lady years includedvalentines day rose graph of my shitty history with this day

So yeah.  Sure there was that time I got 6 dozen roses delivered to my work but that wasn't from my husband.  That was from a guy I didn't marry.   Or the other guy I didn't marry that tried to give me the 2 carat diamond ring  in public on a stage.  But even though they had the gusto they didn't have my heart.  My heart was destined to belong to the Droid.

To be fair and not look like a total bitch let me clarify things I have offered the Droid as ideas that I would LOVE for any holiday or any day that I would find more romantic than any store bought pre packaged gift

* him packing us a picnic and taking us and the kids anywhere even out in the yard to share time together and have a picnic

* him playing a song on the stereo and saying it was for me asking me to dance in our living room

* him picking out a poem for me and reading it to me

* since he drums - picking out a song funny or not and video himself drumming it for  me

* since he plays the guitar him playing me a song on the guitar for me

* him taking me for a walk on our beach

* him actually calling someplace and making a reservation that I had nothing to do with, he picks, he decides the time, the place, the day, and he picks me up like a date, since we never had one.

*him writing me a poem

*him making me a playlist of songs for us

* him being spontaneous and just taking me somewhere and being excited to be with me, no plans, and him deciding what happens.

But after all these years not one of those things ever happened.   Today is another Valentines day, so we can all make our choices on how we react to this.

It took a lot of years to figure out that I shouldn't be  mad at him for consistently failing to meet my expectations on Anniversaries, Christmas, Birthdays, and Valentines Day.  Because our relationship is not made up of those 4 days per year but of all the others.

The days he holds me when I am sad, he lets me scream when I am angry.  He watches me dance because I am happy,  he holds my hand while we together face hard choices.  He tucks our kids in at night.  We watch proudly together as our kids achieve great things.  We worry over each other as scary things happen.  In the end, he is always there,  he is not the story book knight in shinning armor that all the little girls read about, and chances are there will never be a car in the driveway with a bow, or a honeymoon, or a surprise birthday party for me, or any of the other things that women secretly ( or loudly) want.

But most of those knights in shining armor turn out to be assholes in tin foil.  I will keep my Droid. My best friend, the love of my lilfe, my partner,  and even though you wont see me boasting of my Magnificent Holiday rewards just know that I have the privilege of  being Married to my own personal Super Man.

my doid, the kiss

I hope you all get what you really want for your Valentines day.



Friday, February 11, 2011

Where the hell is Cee Lo when you need him.

Here are the last 6 hours of my life via interpretive dance.

To the 500 cars that passed me up.  To the 35 rude women honking. To the useless cell phone coverage I have.  To the Ted Bundy that stopped and offered to kill me asked for my number and told me I was cute.  To the guy who stole my gas can in the end.  I dedicate this song to you.



Thursday, February 10, 2011

help I have a kink in my brain and I can't get up

I am supposed to give you more Apocolypse stuff but I woke up with a kink in my brain and the Dr's said not to use it for like 24 hours or days or years or what the fuck ever.  So here, you get one of my posts from when I tried to write with a kink in my brain.

The I did a Greek in a Hot Tub and we got salty post-

Well hello there, how do you do I, see you've met my, faithful, handy.......
Shit, sorry y'all, but my whatever the hell I have that distracts you mid sentence and OH MY BOB, my dog just farted and I swear it's a damn good thing she had her ass pointed AWAY from the fireplace, or she would have been propelled like a pack of bottle rockets out of the living room and through the breakfast Nook to the - Wait? Hold on what on earth kind of stupid word is Nook?  Does anyone eat breakfast in a freaking Nook?  Does that even sound appetizing?   For example:

"The other day we were just hanging out in the NOOK and my man got down on one knee and pointed to the rose petals laying around the NOOK that he had placed them so they would spell out I WOULD DIE FOR YOU."

Ok so which song is better?

Prince Purple Rain  I would die 4 u


Brain Adams  with Everything I do.

Also this tree has a penis.

I am so glad I finished my education before they invented ADD, ADHD.  We were just, "energetic", "talkative", or  "not filling our potential".

By the way, who the hell decides someones potential?  I have been to college, no where in the damn course catalog was  crystal ball reading or  "potential" readings.  Do you think they  ever said to a parent back then,  " yeah little Suzy is trying so hard and working her ass off in here, but really Mrs Smith,  she's dumb as a shack of carrots and reached her potential 5 years ago in 2nd grade.  At this point Mrs Smith you should probably just go ahead and focus little Suzy on finding a foot ball star to marry, might I suggest some tube tops?" No I don't think those conversations ever went down so I call bullshit on all my teachers k- College.

Then I saw the picture above and went, "Shit. I now remember what this was supposed to be about!"
I saw 3 movies this weekend was going to review them, sorry maybe tomorrow, if I remember.

Oh yeah on a final note,  the chick(?) in the picture above is totally wearing a tube top, but I bet no one tells her she aint reaching her potential.  Just sayin


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I'd like to teach the world to sing, or stun gun it. either way I guess

I'd like to teach the world to sing.  Ok that's a lie, I would like to teach Chrapstinka Haguliera to sing, ok that's a lie too, I would actually prefer that she is stun gunned and flown in a crate to Tazmania

What the needs now:

a redefining of several countries political policies and structure,
a solid Apocalypse plan,
a state dedicated soley to morons, for morons, and ran by morons
a State free of Morons, for non morons, and ran by non moronic people
a little more cowbell,
a lot more vodka
Male strippers and hooters girls as TSA agents thus making people happy to be groped and tip jars
Mandatory white chocolate cheesecake free to all citizens of the planet 1x a month
Shock collars on bratty kids, and remotes in the hands of people subjected to said bratty kids
Parents willing to realize not every kid is gifted
Parents willing to realize their particular child may be a Moron
Neighbors willing to shoot a person robbing your house
Cars that run on dryer lint
Rosie the Robot assigned to every house ( because I would love to have a Rosie from The Jestsons)
A digital thermostat for the planet so we can decided the climate.

is love sweet love, and vodka and cheesecake.
or any of these things
Jedi Squirrels 



Tuesday, February 8, 2011

You down with CDC, yeah you know me - by the WHO



As I revealed to you on last week only myself, (click here) Tom Hanks and Mel Gibson know the truth.  I am choosing to share it with you sans the stuffed beaver or best friend soccer ball head. 

I have spent   minutes,  hours, weeks, months,  years  researching the topic I am about to present you with and find that the following series will be the most fictitious conclusive argumentative  Scientific Study I have brought to you in at least a couple days, EVER.   The New York Times would  describes it as "Earth Shattering" and Wall Street Journal would say, " most enlightening series known to mankind."  if they were  tripping on LSD and buried in an under ground bunker with the only escape being writing what I say, they would probably have said that.

Just like a mommy logger giving away a $1.00 off coupon for huggies  first class national news programs.  I have the kind of dedicated dogs staff that will come through when it counts. This "BREAKING NEWS GRAPHIC"  should appear on your screen every 15 minutes as we flood you with utter speculation and misinformation  nothing but the facts. 

Recaps on what you have already learned in this series.

MONDAY 1/31/11-  I break the news that WE R MOTHERFUCKIN TIRED OF THESE MOTHERFUKIN APOCALYPSE STORIES ON THIS MOTHER FUCKING PLANET that through my diligent group of fellow lunatics who look just like my dogs  respectable scientist we have been able to prove the end is indeed NIGH 
TUESDAY 2/1/11- The Great Mayan Calendar is explained via the oldest discovered Dilbert like Cartoon. 
WEDNESDAY 2/2/11- The Earths Magnetic Stripper Poles are headed to Russia for vodka, things that just lay there ( assigned paid journalist) and how Goth kids are at fault. Probably
FRIDAY 2/4/11  -  Canaries are Crackheads and Angry Birds are killing things like themselves and stuff.

After your brain has soaked up the sickness scientific facts in all of those articles 
then you are ready for this next gigantic leap of illogic.

We  are under attack by multiple

First let's go to the WHO ( not the band, but I am sure that's why the World Health Organization picked they name so that can sound cool like, " Yeah I have to go travel with the WHO in Europe next month.  Not to mention getting to say,  " Who said there's a new pandemic?" , "Who said that?"  "YES"  fucking brilliant scientist ROCK!) 

WHO defines a Pandemic as-
A disease epidemic occurs when there are more cases of that disease than normal. ( HA- the Who used the word normal this shit is awesome) A pandemic is a worldwide epidemic of a disease. A pandemic  occurs when a new  virus or mutated strain appears against which the human population has no immunity. WHO has defined the phases of a pandemic to provide a global framework to aid countries in pandemic preparedness and response planning.  The severity of a pandemic can change over the course of that pandemic.

Got it?  Who said that.   ( not "Who said that?"  shit I love this post)

You have no doubt heard of H1N1 ( swine flu)  and H5N1 ( bird or Avian flu for prissy folks)
These 2 pandemics had millions of people "flocking" ( ha)  to the Dr's to get "possible"  vaccinations.   Some countries went totally bat shit and wore surgical masks anytime they left their house so they looked like a not as pale version of Michael Jackson.   My question, why were there not more robberies?  You were allowed to wear a freaking mask in a bank, a drugstore, a casino.  Shit people,  this was your chance to step up your criminal activities and get away without being noticed because everyone had their face covered.  Very disappointed in criminals.

Now what we are dealing with is the worst possible outcome of a Pandemic.  When a former epidemic,  gets beat down by a society and then lies dormant feeding, growing, mutating, so our natural anti bodies are of no use, just like the old vaccines.

What we are dealing with here people is fucking serious. Serious as a HEART ATTACK!

Exhibit A-    in the 1980's and early 90's, the USA was first exposed to the near fatal Cyrus Virus when  good Ole Mullet Head Billy Ray set into action the attack on your cardiac system ( and hair style)  with Achy Breaky Heart.  It spent years spreading around the world.but it was finally defeated.
Is it me or does he look like Sharon Osbourne 1/2 way through her wax  job?

Or so we thought.  It was actually laying dormant while it was mutating,  and it came back stronger and even more insane with the new strain "Miley Cyrus Virus".  Unlike the original Cyrus Virus this one attacked you via the Moral system and was able to strip the soul and decency out of billions of young girls.
Not even capable of dressing herself, spawn of Satan,  Horsey Face Cyrus !
As you can see the next gen mutated Cyrus Virus is clearly even more powerful and deadly than the original.

Exhibit B-   This strain is currently on the 2011 Who's Who at the Who.   In it's original form it was called Osmonditis.   The tell tale signs were an overly buck toothy young boy with dimples,  shaggy hair and an affinity for purple.  The first wave was documented in the 1970's it was so spread easily via a Variety Show where siblings sang, and performed and talked about him always wearing purple.  Luckily Osmonditis was wiper from the face of the earth just prior to the first wave of Cyrus virus.   But alas some where deep within the uterus of a Osmonditis group was brewing the demon seed love child who was " mysteriously plucked from obscurity"  ( which is code for, "Hey look I banged this fan and we had this kid, and uhm would you mind making him famous Mr. Usher and we will see about buying you a belt.")   Thus  the deed was done and it was crammed down our collective throats whether we liked it or not.  This debilitating  rash and infection spread like wild fire and caused a Massive World Wide Fever thus qualifying it as a Pandemic by the Who.
( fuck I really love saying, " by the who") 
Don't act like it aint true people.

BEAVER FEVER !  Deadly stuff y'all.  Worse then the Great Pringle fever epidemic of 84.
 I am submitting this avatar for the Who to use at their next concert  conference.
This one is just too easy.

You now have enough information that you can clearly see we have been suffering with epidemics and pandemics for decades now, and every generation the Plague mutates, infects on a more widespread level with symptoms so vile I can't even describe on here.  The new Pandemics are causing permanent long time damage.

A pandemic of the massive magnitude proven to you in this post are indeed horrific, however this will not cause the Apocalypse. Probably. All by itself. Maybe.



*In efforts to not make the CDC ( small fries compared to the Who)  (which is the Center for Disease Control).  get all jealous because I used the Who as my source I will dedicate this song to them to the tune of Naughty By Natures O.P.P.

Stain by Stain they kickin the frame under the scope cause they so dope.
You down with  ADD,  Hey CDC
You down with OCD,  Hey CDC
 You down with a cool disease.  Hey CDC
Then you get tracked by the CDC.  Yeah you know me.