Monday, August 29, 2011


1- Whores?
Why does the world have an addiction to know everything about rancid whores.  No no I don't mean street walking rancid whores I mean,  high class no talent whores.  You know like the Kardashions, the Jersey Shore, or any housewives of what the fuck ever I used my snatch to get rich and think I am still in high school,  Brittany, Lindsey Lohan and the like.  This will and always will baffle me.  They are no talent whores, honestly go volunteer at a soup kitchen rather than read anything about these air wasting no talent no moral huge ass whores. If that's below you,  go work at a dog shelter, that's where the little dogs that were "chic" a few years back are.

How did I survive my entire life without every getting bugs?  They say blah blah no shame blah, but I am sorry if I get a call to my kids school saying pick up your bug riddle kid you nasty hag, I do feel a little judged.  This is probably whey  twice a week during the school year I use this really super cool robotic comb on my kids hair. It not only let's you know if there is a social economical lice market place on your kids head,  then it zaps them,  so it's like a bug zapper, but in the shape of a comb.  However I am busting the neurotic seems so if that damn thing goes off I will put chemicals on my kids head risking his life, intelligence and brain function with a series of weapons of mass destruction.  Why?  Uhm duh, I hate freaking bugs.

what the fuck are you doing?  hey Mark, I know you are busy being the ubber geek you are but you need to realize that the folks   you left in charge are dickwaffles and need to be chastised, and by chastised I mean stripped naked and tied to a fire ant mound while a trail of honey leads from between their little toes to their nuts.   Stop trying to drive us all away you are suck fucking idiots.  have you ever hear the expression if it aint broke dont fix it?   Get your head out of the guy that Justin Timberlake playeds ass. You are now what you always hated.

4- G+
Ok I have no flipping idea how the hell you work.  Seriously it has taken me like a year to get down wp, blogger, blogher, facebook, twitter and tweet deck.  I was working on figuring out the Geomagnetic theory of Klout when low and behold here comes freak G+  I got a million request I answered them,  yet I see nothing to "do". Then I get this DM on twitter saying OMG  isn't G+ so much cooler than FB, especially since FB is so lame and everyone hates it!   Thanks you assholes.  Honestly you make me feel like my parents making me make the time on their BETA  to stop flashing.   I do not appreciate you trying to make me look stupid thank you very much I can do that all on my own.   No I have to higher a freaking g+ tutor?  What about the 2700 people I love and interact with on facebook.  Are yous saying that to be popular I have to diss the facebook friends for the cooler G+ friends?   Google-  have you never seen the breakfast club?  I wont give up my peeps, suck on that..

5- Lottery
Why have I not won the lottery.  My dad has played faithfully wed & sat got 18 years..  He's a great guy, goes to church, helps everyone, honestly he should win.  I play off an of, but I never win. It's like throwing a dollar out the window every tine I want to play

Thats it for now,


Monday, August 22, 2011

Marriage and Porn

An adorable old couple that had been together more decades we have been alive were sitting on the couch watching TV.   She had her crotchet afghan on her lap,  he had "the clicker" ( that's a remote for you young wipper snappers).

She was doing her word search puzzle and he was doing his nightly habit of clicking back and forth between 2 stations.

Finally after 30 minutes she looked up to notice that the 2 channels he kept clicking back and forth between were a Fishing Channel and a Porn Channel.   She rolled her eyes and ignored him knowing he would eventually " rest his eyes " thus ending the horrible switching back and forth.

45 minutes in she had enough and slammed her book on her lap and said.


Her husband completely confused, yet strangely giddy about hearing her make that demand, had a smile across his face as he clicked it to the Porn Channel thinking quietly to himself that he may just end up getting lucky for the first time in a decade.

His smile left his face when she made her next remark..............

" This is the obvious choice,  you already know how to fish."

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Peachy investments - the 401Keg

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

 It is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Friday, August 12, 2011

The Lie Robot

Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom!

Pay your light bill MF- NSFW

****WARNING ***  
( because we all know kids don't know cuss words, whatever)

A reader sent me this video on Youtube,  after seeing me write about the fact that the IRS is trying to jank on me for 2003 ( yeah 7 years ago)  when not even my accountant or bank have records prior to 2005 thanks to a little storm called Katrina.  So I said  can I just be like the GVT and print my own money, or get my debt ceiling lifted?  If the GVT can't balance their budget why do they treat me like I am a horrible person and threaten to take my house because I can't find gas receipts from 2003.  Of course I was slightly joking,  a little, maybe, but I can tell you it does chap my ass somewhat to know the people taking my freaking money and punishing me can't handle their money. ( which is really our freaking money).    So a reader sent me this and I fell out laughing for several reasons-  1) he's hilarious,  2) I had never heard of him so it was unexpected, and 3) he's freaking hilarious.   

I realize somebody out there is going to explain to me how wrong he is, how offensive he is, how he kills baby mice and caused the extinction of the 3 horned albino water buffalo.  I don't give a shit.  Really.  I don't care to argue political views with people because frankly it makes me think a hell of a lot less of people when they prove they are the most educated idiots on the planet.   You don't learn common sense in school.
So take it for what it is,  just flat out funny.   

ok  feel free to commence with the stereo typing and spewing of anger at me for posting this.   Or quietly giggle and nod and then move along. no one will ever even know you laughed.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

My poor lady.......

I think
that maybe
I just
got a
paper cut

( so common sense and life experience leads you to say to yourself, " crap that hurts, I better put a bandaid on it)


I don't know how.  So I google bandaid diagrams and instructions.  I got this

This is not helpful.  Even though it does have 2 of my key words.   Kitty and Scratch.
I wasn't scratched by a kitty.   You're being but-heads band-aid.


I have tried different search word combos and honestly there are some really freaky folks out there.  
Unfortunately with all their shapes, sizes, colors, styles, bandaid has managed to fail to provide me with the particular bandaid I need or even instructions on how to improvise bandaid application.  

So for now, this is the best I can do.

yeah that's pretty accurate, but without the tux and a lot less happy face.


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Logic, Opinions and perspective. HA

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from 
San Francisco  to  New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.' 

Monday, August 1, 2011

Making my Daddy an eye appointment

My Daddy sent this to me and it's just too freaking funny not to share.


Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?

You're almost 76 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your


This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not

getting any easier.