I really need a penis.

Ok, I have a problem, and I know the first step to overcoming a problem is to admit you have a problem so we can just count this as the first step to a healthier me right?

Wait what's my problem?

Oh yeah, sorry,  I have acute incurable penis envy.  There I said it, now somebody pass me a fucking doughnut and some OJ after the "hi's and welcomes" calm down.

I don't think I ever went through the entire "denial phase".   I have always loved penis, despite the fact they are possibly the most hilarious looking part of a human body and hang around with nuts I love them.

Everyone I have ever been madly in love with had a penis.

Short of having one of my own  the penis is pretty much perfect.  It's like a thermometer only it rises in the occasion of attraction instead of temperature.  The rest of the time it just hangs there, all awesome and hilarious.  I have to give credit to the penis for being involved in the creation of all 3 of my children.  Yeah it's obviously remarkable.

However I also have to admit that my reason for penis envy is indeed for 1 solitary reason.
Just one, out of all the wonderful things a penis allows you to do.
Pee in the snow,  write your name, miss the toilet,  be embarrassed in middle school by random wood, hide behind pleated dockers, and drive a chicks head into the wall.  Yeah those are all great, but I really am envious of 1 and only 1 thing.  Me and Demi Moore share our envy issues.

I WISH I HAD A PENIS SO  I COULD TELL PEOPLE TO SUCK IT.

literally that's it.  I mean sure I would love to just bend over the numbnuts in the medical field and ram them with a hefty member but honestly I think I would feel just as satisfied as if I could stone face look at them and say,

"suck my dick"

If I had a dick I would probably go ahead and trade 5000 words out of my lexicon just to be able to stone faced look at someone and say, "suck my dick"  and then offer up a dick.

This is probably one of the many reasons I don't have a dick, because whoever was in charge of passing out penis, said, " oh hell no,  this is a bitch, no dick for her, she will have everyone sucking it".  They were right.

Examples from just today-

New Brain Surgeon-  blahdy blah blah, blah shit you have heard for 10 years, blah blah shit you have heard, blah, shit that is irrelevant, blah,  anyone could die anytime, you could get hit by a bus leaving here, blah blah blah.
Me-  "oh I see,  well in that case,  SUCK MY DICK"


Post office worker-  uhm no, you have to buy another box, they are over there were you stood in line for 20 minutes, no I am  not going to help you even though you asked, yes I realize I am sitting on a fucking stool watching TV but I will sell you a stamp for you to stick on your letter then tell you to put it in a slot in the wall that leads to a basket under my hand but I wont do it for you.

Me-" Oh ok, sorry to bother you by actually parking the car and staggering in then waiting in line 3 times because you couldn't get your fat ass off the stool to actually do your job, or mailing a letter, so instead of getting back in line can you go ahead and just SUCK MY DICK?"


Neurologist- You didn't have a seizure during the 30 minute eeg, but that doesn't mean you don't have them so you officially can't drive for a full year starting today.  Oh and here's some medicine that will make you feel like I punched you in the vagina.
Me- " So I don't have seizures? or I do? or what?  never mind just go ahead and SUCK MY DICK."


Lady at the refill pharmacy-  no that rx is expired, no that one can't be renewed until tomorrow, these 5 are a week late refilling, and this one you need to come back in 6 days to get.
Me- " oh well they just told me I am not allowed to drive anymore for an entire year and I live pretty far away from here, so if you could fill anything that needs to be filled for the next 2 weeks that would be awesome and save me from going without my medicines as prescribed, since I can't drive and all.
Bitch / Lady-  NO
ME- "OH OK, HOW ABOUT YOU JUST SUCK MY DICK THEN"


French Neurosurgeon-   bladee, blah voila, tres blah,  cava , blah,  uh duh twa, blah,  I am so good looking and french I will distract you with my laid back attitude and frenchness. blah,
Me- "  Je parle en frances,  poir fe vour  SUCK MY DICK"


Gas Pump-  $3.39
ME-  "SUCK MY DICK"

Dog hair on the floor -   no need to sweep just scream
ME- "SUCK MY DICK"

Dinner?  Family?  what ?  I got nothing...
ME- " SUCK MY DICK"

Laundry?
ME- "SUCK MY DICK"


I should just get white business cards with the words, " SUCK MY DICK"  on them, nothing else, just pass them out to everyone I meet thus cutting straight to the chase.

Honestly I really believe I could live remainder of my entire life just using those 3 words,  if of course, I actually had a dick,  until then,  it's an empty threat.  ( ha, no penis? empty? get it? ha?  shit I am funny right?  no?  well then to you I say,  " SUCK MY DICK")


XO
PEACH OUT

Grease me up Johnny boy

In the immortal words of the founding father of HOTNESS, ( John Travolta aka Vinny Barbarino duh)

" I got chills they're multiplying, and I'm losing control, cause the power you're supplying,  IS ELECTRIFYING!"

Yeah baby, finally all these long years after Grease, suffering through Grease 2, then of course my name being Sandi and my Best Friends name was Danny hence we pretty much HAD TO DO THE LEADS in what can only be described as a High School murder of what should never attempt to be acted out by anyone other than John and Olivia,  I finally, honestly know for sure 100%  that he was singing to me.

Now I don't want anyone getting confused, yes Brendan Fraiser is still my #1 boy toy.  Me and Mr Depp have a deep down intellectual relationship that blurs into something possibly inappropriate at times.  Then there is that new guy, the new Conan dude,  yeah what's his face?  Pretty sure he will be giving me  massages in the near future while he plops chilled grapes in my mouth. All of this is fact, you heard me FACT.  I can't help my hotness and their inability to be immune to my prowess.  

I thought it was the  brains, the boobs, the attitude, the fact I ooze a sexiness of accident prone klutz that makes me more "approachable" to these mere mortals.  But today it all came together and I have the truth.

In the past couple weeks the circumstantial evidence is accumulating, I present to you the following exhibits.

EXHIBIT A

I've had about 6 EKG's this year (  EKG is for your heart,  most of them centered around my May 2011 great Heart Attack adventures.  I pulled off a couple heart attacks in less than a month from a prior healthy heart.  I mainly did it so I could get felt without having to buy an airline ticket.  Plus the little pasties with bb's on them stuck all over my breast makes me look like a cow with erect teats.  

EXHIBIT B

I had the immense pleasure of having a full on EMG  ( this one is pretty awesome, and by awesome I mean it sucks and hurts and should have been abolished in the 1940's along with shock therapy and lobotomies)  This lovely exam is done by a Neurologist and they put leads on your body parts, fingers, hands wrists, spine, neck, legs, and everywhere but your snatch.  Then they send an electronic pulse to that lead while you lay on a little metal disk that acts as a grounding so you can complete the electrical circuit.  If this doesn't sound extreme enough for you, add phase 2 of the EMG, this is where they actually stick more needles in you that your Grandmothers ugly ass Tomato pin cushion.  But because having needles shoved between your fingers and into your neck is not allowed thanks to the Geneva Convention  along with waterboarding ( which sounds shit tons funner)  they claim this as a medical test, and they hook electrical current to those needles and measure the jerk, timing, and screaming levels only to deduce that you are neurologically every level of jacked up but there's nothing they can do,  which prompts you to stab the Doctor in the retina with frozen supersized depends pad because you pissed yourself all 145 shocks.  Ok you don't have to stab the Doctor but honestly they deserve a good stabbing for doing such a painful test just so they can "confirm" there is nothing they can do..  Skip the depends and just drive a mini van up his ass and then say, " wow, yeah your ass is totally jacked up, but that van is stuck so there's nothing we can do"

EXHIBIT C

The EEG,  if you are bald, and like discos this is the test for you.  However if you have very long hair, and tend to get headaches and seizures from flashing strobe lights and are opposed to voluntarily hyperventilate  for 3 minutes this may not be the test of choice.  Nothing says Studio 54 like laying in a pitch black Faraday Cage with a lamp as bright as the sun 1 inch from your face smacking faster and faster light into your eyeballs while you hear sounds like somebody slipping on rubber gloves.  All in all, if you can tolerate strobe lights, noise, claustrophobia, and laying on your back then this isn't a bad test.  However be prepared to spend a good hour trying to wash the + symbols and glue off your head and out of your hair.

In conclusion,  all of these exhibits have 2 things in common.  Me of course, and Electricity.  the E in the first letter of each test stands for Electricity.  Yes of course I have also had heart caths, and  extensive MRI's and bloodwork, and ambulance rides, and ultrasounds, and CAT scans but those are just not relevant.  

Exhibits A, B, C  prove I am FREAKING SHOCKING !   So Johnny babe come on over,  I am going to get one of those red round "take a number" thingies so I can  share my electric personality with as many as possible in the most efficient manner.

Now serving  number 76.

XO

PEACH OUT

 

Sainthood or a complete idiot.

Please pleaser someone snopes this and tell me this isn't true.  Tell me someone who is defending the safety of me, my family, my rights, my country is NOT THIS BIG OF A FREAKING IDIOT.  If it's not in snopes please enter it and then debunk it.  I hope this guy has not been given a GI weapon of a higher caliber than a packet of ketchup.

I have to go now, I have a date at the adult porn cinema where I will be wearing a body condom and sticky proof shoes. 


xo
PEACH OUT