Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I had to stop dancing Naked

First you must know that my daughter is awesome, responsible, brilliant and she farts glitter.  She had her first 2 years of college near our home on scholarship, once she got her AS  she had to move a few hours away on her own to attend the University of which she pays for by herself.  (Thank you douchebag grant and scholarship people I hope the people you give the free education to actually use for something other than a meth lab)

In August 2009, she had just left home, spreading her confident wings when  less than a week and sent me an email detailing her daily struggles in a new town.  The end of it surprised me because she said,
 " Pray for me that I don’t get lost, I don’t get rained out, I make new friends, and that I get to Applebee’s on time and DON’T lock my keys in my car!

I love you and I can’t wait to see you this weekend.

Sam's not a super religious person but clearly the compounding stress drove her to this request and I could tell she was homesick and a bundle of nerves.  At this point most mom's would have said something inspirational, motivational and loving.  I am not most mom's and the response I gave her is probably one of the reasons I will never be mother of the year.

Dearest Samantha,
    In accordance with your written formal request for prayer ( which dumbfounded me)  I immediately began the prayer procedure of my choice due to the fact you failed to outline the type of religion or diety rules.  Therefore the official minutes of the prayer meeting are enclosed as follows:
1-  the nekkie dancing under the moon with candles and flowers began at precisly 11am,
2- the wood nymphs watched in horror at my wiggidy whack dance moves for aproximately 15 minutes
3- around 1115 the majoritey (2/3rds) of the wood nymphs began puking
4-those wood nymphs who were not puking joined in my prayer dance
5- by midnight, the woods surrounding our house were sufficiantly cleared of those wildlife without a previous visual impairment.
6- by 1245am, the police showed up in haz mat gear saying they were responding to a suicide call from a racoon who was obviously driven to the state of madness from watching my fat ass jiggle around nekkie in the yard attempting to summons good tidings to you from the gods.
7- by 1am I was served with official legal notice from law enforcement to cease and dessist all nekkie dancing.
8- by 130am a judge came to the house after being woken up by the police chief due to an immediate danger to all citizens.
9- by 2am I was officially charge with animal cruelty and terrorist activites via my nudity and jiggling.
10-at 210am I entered a plea to a lesser charge and made an oath to never dance nekkie under the moon again for any reason.
11- by 230 all paperwork was notarized and filed in triplicate form, with the county clerks office, and 2 drunk wood nymphs were my witness.
12- at aproximately 305am I asked your father to summons his indian ancestors via a tribal dance
13- by 308 your father had fallen in one of the massive holes in our yard and twisted his ankle
13-b-  he landed in a pile of wood nymph puke
14- smelling like wood nymph puke and being injured, 3 drunk wood nymphs then violated your father in ways too illicet for me to speak of.
15- I beat the wood nymps off and out of your father using my bra as a sling shot and dante turds from the dirty kitty litter box as amo.
16- by 319am the wood nymphs were defeated by my ample supply of amo
17- at 325am I applied neosporin to your fathers wood nymph love bites and put him to bed
18- at 350am I placed my slingshot/bra in the washer
19- at 355am the police returned as they had a report from a pissed off armadillo that there was a domestic disturbance and possible sexual assult at this address.
20- by 415 am I had sucessfully bamboozeled the police into believe you dad is just a kinky dude and we were having fun.
21- at 420 am I quietly lit candles for you.
22- at 430 am I slipped into the tub to relax and meditate for good vibes for you.
23- at 440am I began to smell smoke
24- at 445am I began to worry about the smell of smoke
25- at 450 I convinced myself I should get out of the tub and do something about the smell of smoke
26- at 5am I came out to the family room to find ferries smoking a big fattie
27- at 510am I got out the cheetos, mt dew, recees cups and bong, and joined the ferries
28- around aproximately 530am me and the ferries got into a heavy discussion about politics and religion we were in strong disagreance but to stoked to fight
29- by 6am I thought the ferries should leave since alex would be up soon for school
30- at 610am I was escorting the ferries out a couple of wood nymphs saw me with the ferries and a big woodland mythical species gang style war broke out
31- at 620am the sun came up and all the mayham and lifeless bodies that were causalites of the woodland war just disappeared making little "poof" noises
32- at 630am alex woke up and I told him to help me pray your day would go good.
he blew out the candles, bowed his head and said, dear god, please keep my sissy safe and happy today in everything she needs,  and oh yeah, tell my mom to keep her bong in her closet.
33- I am promoting alex to the king of the prayer request club.
Hope everything is AWESOME FOR YOU MY DEAR....
I love you

So I ask you my friends is it any wonder she changed her major to Abnormal Psychology?  She get's her bachelors in May.  I intend on keeping her busy with family stuff.


* disclaimer*  I do not now, nor have ever owned a bong. Nor was my husband violated by fictional creatures.  Because if he was it would totally be on you-tube.


Tawnya said...

LOL, abnormal psych is interesting. I have studied it myself. I decided that I could not go into that field because then I would have to commit Doug.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

You do realize that she will use this letter from home in a future thesis letter... OMG this is hilarious...... you're a mess ...... a red hot mess and I love you for that.

Queen Momma-Sweet Merciful Crap said...

It is for precisely this reason that I do not own any wood nymphs... however I do have several angel statues that have lost their wings.

Our daughter is going for Speech Pathology. Her father says she can teach him to speak again after she gives him a stroke! ;)


R.W. Wells said...

In these parts you have to pray to the marmots. If you neglect them they chew on your Goodyear radials and send viruses to your GPS, direct you toward deserted riverbeds where they tie you up and torture you with pokes to the chest with long, mossy sticks.

The way I describe this, kinda sounds kinky, huh? Believe me, it's not!

ThePeachy1 said...

@Tawnya - Happy Birthday- yep I am sure she will be busy telling us all we are text book loons for a decade or so.
@ Holly- I love you too ! Trust me this doesn't even come close to the actual material our family has provided for her thesis.
@ Queen Momma- I don't own the wood nymphs but where I live it's mostly undeveloped so they are more like squatters. I never knew about the deep gang rivalry they had with the ferries, but they sure can party.
@ Ron- I am pretty sure I went to one of those Marmots parties back in the day. They always made it sound sexy but it wasn't.

Oilfield Trash said...

That is such an awesome post and story. Thanks for the smile.

Miley (woman:confused) said...

Ok, so I ALREADY loved you but right now I wish you were my mommy.

Sandra said...

You and my mom seem to have been raised in the same sort of atheist upbringing. I would never ask her to pray (I would have just quit the damn schooling and crawled home with my tail between my legs, so kuddos to your daughter for sticking it out) but my mom probably would have responded something like this: Prayer? What is this prayer you talk about?
Terrific post! I was howling (not at the moon mind you...)

ThePeachy1 said...

@Sandra- nope amazingly enough my upbringing was EXTREMELY diverse religiously. My grandfather was a Pentecostal Preacher I attended Baptist church with my Mom, Catholic Mass and CCD with my best friend for years, I went to temple and had Seder with my Jewish friends. I had a Muslin friend in High School that I studied a bit with and was baptized LDS. My husband is a methodist. So to say I was raised atheist would be a definite stretch, and completely inaccurate. My children did briefly attend a Religious private Elementary school where I taught. But my kids were raised to appreciate all religions so they could make a very informed decision based upon their own personal beliefs. I know my daughter wasn't actually requesting I kneel down and pray to a deity that she would not lock her keys in her car again, she's not that kind of girl.

Miss Nikki said...

I WAS going to ask you to pray for me that I get a job soon, but I don't have any money to post your bail...

I love how you don't set any limits, great story!

ThePeachy1 said...

LOL. Nikki if you don't send any qualifications on that prayer request it's like playing roulette. ( PS - I am still a licensed Soliciting Bail Agents and Bond Recovery Agent) I am cool in most of the US except TX and LA. I also can't leave the states so I can only pray for you here. LOL.

Meredith said...

can i come be your daughter in law now? i'll still wait until alex is legal to date him.

ThePeachy1 said...

OH Mer ! You can indeed always come be one of my lovies. I mean hello you cook and bake and stuff.. You don't even have to marry my 9 yr old. But since your Mom Jane seems pretty flippin awesome maybe I could just pinch hit? I still demand equal baked goods. xo