I already have a big brother

Once upon a time the entire world was ruled by religion and Kings and Queens that forced religion upon you lest your head be lopped off.   In this strange land, you quietly did as you were told so you could keep your head attached to your body.  You were assigned a station in life upon your birth and it was indeed a rare thing to be able to change it during your life, without luck and some blackmail.

Then one day a new world was found.  In time the people that founded this new world decided that anyone no matter their status at birth, could become whatever they wanted if they worked hard enough. They also decided that religion although important to maintaining a level of decency in society,  would never be assigned by the ruler but instead be chosen by the individual.

It was awesome.  First civilized society of it's kind. No Kings, No Queens and no forced religion.  How wonderful, how profound, how genius. They knew the people couldn't just go all willy nilly batshit with all this freedom.  They also realized that even without Kings or Queens someone has to be in charge of super big deal stuff, which means power. As they say, "with great power comes great responsibility".  It's far to easy for any leader to fall back into the "luck", "blackmail" situation.  It's far to easy for someone in charge to indeed go full speed frog in a blender insane. 

Being super smart.  They decided to put down some rules and guidelines.  These were not just for the people, but also those in charge.  So no one could go wiggidy whack and start offing people for their beliefs.

Somewhere over the years the system the plan the guidelines got seriously diluted, messed up and twisted.

Don't make me slap your nostrils off

So the past couple of days I have to spend in and out of the care of people who learned what little medical knowledge the posses from Dr Kevorkian.   I am going to give you the cliff notes on this because honestly why bore with  long drawn out details that will leave you so dumbfounded and amazed you will feel like you are being offered the opportunity to see a sideshow freak for only a nickel if you step inside this big tent.

I don't have a Dr. I have  a Physicians Assistant. PA. Because the Neurologist said I was beyond his scope of care.  Obviously that means I am within the scope of care of a Physicians assistant. PA Well then my Physicians Assistant (PA)  got a promotion about 3 weeks ago so I got handed down to the assistant to the Physicians assistant so I guess that would be the APA.   So this APA has a sign in the little room I am in that says,  "due to time constraints you are only allowed to discuss 1 issue per visit."   Wow really?   It takes 6-9 weeks to get an appointment and you can't go in and say,  I have a suspicious freckle and my eyeball itches?  That's just too much for one appointment for this APA?    I could tell this was going to be bad since my 2 conditions Brain/Spine cause a laundry list of symptoms we are trying to manage through medications since my insurance feels it's silly to send me all the way to see one of the 12 doctors in the country that actually understand my condition and I wont let just anyone with a scalpel and a Cracker Jack degree dig in my brain.
So Mr Important APA  see's me trying to wrap his head around my issue and adds a new med to my lovely list of meds that consist of nothing that carries a street value of over a Flintstones vitamin so no need to rob me. He then tells me to come back Sept 1 for follow up.

They call on Aug 26 to tell me to come in Aug 30 instead.  So I do. Guess what. I am now in the care of a Nurse.  Yep.  Guess what else.  Again no clue as to what my condition is, how the medicines work nothing.
So besides the fact that I am pretty sure she hugged a few trees in the 70's she had no clue how to do diddly shit. and She screwed every single RX I have up beyond all recognition.

Then I go in today. For fasting Lab work.  Starving to death.  The 18 year old girl with my ID in her hand looks at me and says Miss PERD?  I looked at her and shook my head no.  She said yeah you Miss Perd. I said no its Mrs. Kirk, just like the ID in front of you says clearly?  OH My bad

anymore

You have broken my heart,

you have cut me to the bone, 

you have stabbed me in the back

you have endangered my children 

you have stolen from me 

you have threatened to kill me and it seems every time we talk you spew out nothing but lies.

I failed you.  As the person who brought you into this world it was my convoluted job to make you appropriate for society. 

 If you had been an only child would it have been different?  Would I have given you more leeway so as not to sacrifice your siblings humiliation, safety and discontent.

We moved for you, it was the area, the neighborhood, the school, the doctors,  I did everything and gave all in hopes it wasn't really you.

Doctors, therapist, counselors, hospitals, things a mother should never have to say about their child were said.

In the end, I failed you.  

For many years I was a mighty warrior set out to ensure your health and happiness, but you broke my spirit and I gave up.  I want to let you in, but the price is so high and I am emotionally bankrupt.

You deserved a stronger mother, one who could stay the fight, one who could be more understanding, one who could battle for more than 19 years.  I am so sorry you ended up with me, who tried to make you fit in a cookie cutter mold when I still have no clue what kind of mom could have helped you. It wasn't me battling up hill to mend my broken life while trying to simultaneously protect yours.  The spiraling all consuming sucking down of the soul constantly being kicked and punched was beyond me.  

I'm sorry I am so broken and weak that I can't afford to be hurt again.  Everyone in your world has disconnected over the years for the simple and often subconscious act of self preservation.  But in everyone's life there should be at least 1 constant.  One thing you know will always be there and you don't even have that.

I hurt you

I insulted you

I embarrassed you

I punished you

I hospitalized you

I let you down

I lied to you

I threatened you

I had you arrested

I closed my door to you

I laughed at you

I walked away....

I didn't ever deserve you,  and you certainly didn't deserve me.