Thursday, April 21, 2011

A little salt with that?

When dinosaurs roamed the earth, I went to this place called school.  Yes it's true my last 2 years of High School I skipped more than I attended but that's what happens when you place a high school close enough to Dayton Beach that I can smell that salt water.

I am sure it had little to do with the fact I turned my trunk into a cooler with roll out insulation and garbage bags, and the days I did attend I was so drunk I couldn't stand up. I had understanding teachers and went to school in the days that it was ok to tie up your principal and throw desks out a window.  It was a time before no child left behind or zero tolerance.

Somewhere around the Mesozoic era I taught, yes me, shut up, I did it for 1 year and it was in exchange for my children's tuition at private school.  My oldest son was sighted as the reason that a teacher quit in her letter of resignation and moving to Iceland.  I don't blame her, I almost removed my reproductive organs with a spork after he was born.  But that was long ago and I have blocked it out with much effort and expensive vodka.

My husband the Droid has a higher advanced math Degree, Metorology and a couple Computer whatevers, and I have a couple under my belt not to mention the Prince is our 3rd go around, and literally the easiest child on the planet to raise or teach.  So when this year, Mr.  Good Citizenship.  Student of the Year,  Good Conduct, winner of the Regional Physics Science Fair,  A Honor Roll brought home his 4th C on a test in math we were how do you say..... " pissed".

After the mandatory parental lectures a conference was requested.  Then we looked through his folder and saw that 7x7=49 was wrong and 7x3=21 was wrong and   12x2=24 is wrong.

Well suck my imaginary dick and color me confused.   Clearly there was an error in the grading. No biggie we will straighten this out in a jiffy lube.

So we get there 15 minutes early and wait 30 minutes because she apparently had to tweet or what the hell ever because it was her break.  Then the cram my fat ass and my husbands 6'5 ass in the tiniest chairs you have ever seen while she and her cohort sit in normal adult chairs.

* Note- this was a power technique we used in psychology and GVT to keep the upper hand,  and control of the situation.  It didn't work since she is the same age of my daughter and I felt I didn't need control.

So we begin with how is he in the class, are there any problems?  blah blah, yackity yak, blah.  Then we say we are concerned as he has brought home 4 C's and he has never had below an A, and this is the foundation to the rest of his education and we want to make sure he understands here so that he doesn't fall behind, is he understanding in class, paying attention turning in work, what can we do to work as a team blah.

TEACHER-  your son is absolutely the sweetest child ever, I adore him, don't even worry about the grades, he is a doll baby.

ME:  well if this was the doll baby acadamy I wouldn't but it's a school so I am worried about the grades, for example I think there is an issue with the grading on this test, example 12x2=24  is marked wrong so is 7x3=21 and so on.

TEACHER ( looks at us like we are morons)=  yes, those are wrong,  a LOT of the OLDER parents have an issue understanding new math,  we don't waste time memorizing multiplication anymore, we now estimate, he didn't estimate, so they are wrong.

HUSBAND-  ( about to lose higher math mensa IQ shit)-  excuse me, did you just say "waste time learning multiplication?   are you aware they are called math FACTS?   it's because it's a fact, not a theory or opinion, they don't change, also how can they divide, if they can't multiply?  also no where do the instruction say "estimate" those "x"  symbols mean multiply in mathematics.

TEACHER- ( wont make eye contact with husband anymore and looks at me)  your son knows this we learned this in class, so he knew what to do, and knows why he got it wrong.

ME- Well with us being OLDER parents, with HIGHER DEGREES, we are probably confusing him by making him learn things like multiplication and such, so I would like him to enter your tutoring program immediately.

TEACHER- OH, well that's for kids who are failing.

ME- ok I will tell him to stop turning in homework or answering any questions, since we are old and dumb. Also do you like chair with salt?

TEACHER-   excuse me?

ME-  I am just wondering if you want salt on that chair if I make you fucking eat it if you call me old again?

TEACHER-  OH I didn't mean it like that.

ME- I did.

End result.  My kid went to that teachers tutoring for 6 weeks 3 days a week, and fell off honor roll for the first time in 5 years,  yep,  he went from 5 years of straight A's to 1 A,  3 B's an 2 C's,   can you spell A-W-E-S-O-M-E?

Probably not if you're an old parent,  because even as an old parent he was still on honor roll all A honor roll, possibly looking at a B in one subject.  But Thankfully we put him in tutoring so he was able to be fully submerged in that awesome learning system and we stepped out of the equation as to not confuse him with our old and dusty out of date thoughts that the teacher pointed out would only " mislead him". Now he has horrible grades.  How cool is that?




Al Penwasser said...

And THAT'S why the Japanese, Chinese, and syphilitic yak herders kick our ass in math and science.

The Reckmonster said...

Um...still sitting here "puzzled" as to what "new math" means by estimating??? Is THIS what I have to look forward to when my hooligan gets past the first grade? I'm frightened, Peach...really frightened. I think your earlier posts about the end of the world and Mayan predictions and shit are true (not that I didn't think they were true THEN when you posted...this is just CONFIRMATION!) And, like you and the Droid, as an "older" [HAH!] parent with a penchant for "facts" I have a feeling I may be put on the blacklist at my kid's school if they like to use "new math" estimation strategies...

laughingmom said...

This totally reminds me of when my son was in first grade and they wanted him to use "inventive" spelling. He had been reading since he was three and knew when he had spelled a word incorrectly - BUT the teacher wan't allowed to correct him. They suggested that he use the dictionary - wonderful IF you know how to spell the freaking word in the FIRST place!! Talk about a frustrated child!!

Oilfield Trash said...

HOLY FUCKTARDS from HELL. I would beat that teachers ass. And then ask her fucking "Estimate" what grade she is going to give my smart kid.

JRM said...


Rachel said...

This is the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard. It's why my mom is retiring after 40 years of teaching. And she's an AWESOME teacher. Math is an EXACT science people. EXACT! I suggest homeschooling.

Greg said...

I wish I could learn this new math and have it available when I do my taxes. Ahhh let's see that's approximately zero I owe.

IRS agent...Sir your taxes are wrong.

Me...It's the new math.

leslie (crookedstamper) said...

HOLY CRAP! Yes, HOMESCHOOL! DEAR GOD! *trying to think of other expletives*

We are doomed as a country if this is what we're teaching our kids. I DO NOT want to drive over a freakin' bridge build by a student who estimated it's ability to hold my vehicle. MATH IS AN EXACT SCIENCE!

Shoot me now.

Cherylzblahg said...

Thank you for saying all that - and you do it so well!