Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Open my Ketchup or go to Jail do not collect $200

The GPS  Screamed turn around turn around as if the raven screaming never more never more,
I ended up in the place where a girl could get a dime bag or so much more so much more.
I saw the hood the projects and some kick as heels fishnets a couple weaves and long ass nails,
finally the guy turned around and I asked him how the fuck to do I get my white ass to the Ritz Carlton.

He came back at me with, " oh shit pretty woman you all lost and fuck aint you?"
No shit Nyquil, Help a speckled bitch out.

I get there and drive my crusty dusty missing a hub cap from the bumper car extravaganza french fries in the seat belts empty mt dew bottles littering the floor boards over flowing ashtray cracked windshield from a kayak  totally hoptie mini van up in the Ritz Vallet. BAM.  Suck on THAT bitchez.   They open the door and hug my ass.  Can I just say,  THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE WAY TO GET A FUCKING TIP?   yeah you roll my fat ass out of a car after playing bumper cars in the projects and breathing in a paper bag and hug me and hand me some wine?   YOU ARE GETTING TIPPED!  possibly a blow job.  just saying,  that is service.

All I can say is that NOLA was awesome as it always is,  I have the luxury of going there whenever I want. So do my children.  It's just next door.  So we are "locals".  But it was nice to see some old friends, put some faces to some names, and then meet some new people.

I also nearly stabbed a few bitches.  Just saying.  I didn't pass out 1 damn card the entire time.  I know you're shocked right?  Not. yeah.  you know me.  In fact I used my real first name half the entire time and totally avoided even telling people any of my blog names or where I write.  But I have to tell you.  I did get outed a couple of times.  But it was all good and by people I totally didn't mind getting outed by.  For example there was an opening of a Ketchup bottle with a male genitalia, and a conversation with powdered sugar on testicles. You know who you are.

Then the entire Joe and the Volcano luggage chick?  Shit,  I nearly flung myself on a friggin fork, seriously. Thank Bob for Brandy in the Club lounge.

The Highlight was a tie.   I can't decide whether it was when I out drank this guy in the French Quarter because he was being all douchey ( he wasn't a blogger and I am not naming names here).   OR   The Reading at the Eiffel Society  ( not so much the reading as what went down in the bathroom and no I can't name names or give details for like 7 years or some shit).

So there, that's how it went and I came home and I didn't get anything pierced or inked and there's nothing new on MY record,  and my husband and kid used every dish we have and my dalmatian was left outside overnight and got attacked by a chupacabra and now he is all red, white and black, so they immediatly did the entire buzz kill from my awesome 3 day New Orleans trip like  being drunk off your ass and getting the most awesome thrown against the wall lay of your life in high school and then walking in to your moms church group at the kitchen table while you have your panties in your purse and your Grandad walks up to hug you.  Yeah.  BUZZ-KILL.....



*Disclaimer-  He totally could have gotten his own ass out of jail and didn't need a bondsman, it's called an OR, but Mr. Drunkfuck was too drunkied Drunkfestified Drunkfucked to even know how to sign his own fucking name on the OR bond ( Own Recognizance) .  Don't ever fucking try to go shot for shot against me douche face.


Oilfield Trash said...

I am glad that you had a great time and didn't go to jail.

The Reckmonster said...

Did I mention how much I love your ass?! Nobody can re-cap a story like the Peach-ster! Girl - I was rollin' throughout the whole post. You ain't right...but you already knew that. :)

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Dude, this is like an account written by someone in the witness protection and there are so many redacted texts that I am screaming right now: Give me your phone number so I can call you up and grill your ass into giving me NAMES. Juicy details. None of this I cannot tell you but awesome shit went down! Oh I believe you al'right. But this ain't right!

p.s. Glad you had a bitchin' rockin' time baby. Really. I mean it.

p.p.s. Sigh. I said it before and I will WHINE again: you cannot simply tell us in 2 words about someone opening up a ketchup bottle with his dong & then leave us hangin'. *pout*

Venom said...

OMG Peahcy... just once in my life I should get to have a vacation half as awesome as this one.

Minus, maybe, almost blowing the valet. Depends what he looked like.