I received a submission for the "YOU WRITE HERE" anonymous bloggers vent arena on this blog. A place they can come, free of trolls to say what needs to be said, where their readers wont be shattered when their persona is thrown on the ground and trampled with crocs. So today you get a break from my self deprecating humor, potty mouth, and physical threats to innocents. I think most of us can relate to my Guest who I expect you treat with the utmost respect or I will spork your ass.
I hate being strong
Everyone I know sees me as a "strong" person. It has its blessings and it definitely has its curses. I usually don't let on about what I feel sucks as far as being perceived as "strong." That would fuck with my "bad ass" persona.
But, Peachy is kind enough to lend a spot to those of us who need to let it out - so I'm going to take advantage of her generosity.
I hate being strong because it means I am always expected to solve the damned problems, when sometimes all I want to do is fade into the background with all of the other sheep.
I hate being strong because it means I'm the "go to" person, when sometimes I'd like to kick back and let OTHER people do the work.
I hate being strong because it means having to come up with the "right" answers when all I feel like I do is "fake it till I make it."
I hate being strong because it means people think I have no weaknesses - but they don't know how ONE sideways word can throw me into a mental tizzy for days.
I hate being strong because people grow to depend on you - and it's a mother fucker being on your game 100% of the time.
I hate being strong because of the EXPECTATIONS that come along with it - I can't fuck up.
I act like I don't give a shit about a lot of things - and to a certain extent, I am able tonot care too much about what people I barely know think about me. But, people that I let "in" to know me - I care what they think. I don't trust very easily. And while my "outward" personality screams "EXTROVERT!" - few people know that I spend a lot of time inside my head and have a really hard time letting anyone get "close" to me. I think that's probably why I have a hard time with relationships. I come off as this "strong" personality - and I rarely let myself be vulnerable. Because when you're vulnerable - people can (and WILL) hurt you. Not too many people know the true extent of "hurt" I have endured in my lifetime. I don't give that information out freely.
My walls have cost me a lot, relationship-wise. My mother once told me, "You're such a bitch no one is ever going to marry you!" When you're 19 and you hear that, you don't care so much. It's amusing. But when you're 28 and feeling the pressure to get hitched to the dildo you've been dating for 3 years so that you don't look like a "failure" - those words your mother uttered nearly a decade prior ring in your ears like the gong show. I got married when I knew I shouldn't have. I remember thinking on the morning of my wedding day (at age 29), as I sat in the pool at this fancy hotel, "I wonder how many years we'll actually stay married before we get divorced." Bad sign. But, I got married nevertheless...just to prove a point: someone DID marry the bitch.
I hate being strong, because from that marriage sprung this little being - who is totally dependent on me. I didn't plan on having kids, and the truth is, I really feel like I'm a pretty selfish and self-absorbed person - so I didn't actually want kids. Neither did my husband. He was rather peeved when the news was delivered to him. Not exactly jumping for joy - but my parents were - because, again, it was another source of "failure" to not deliver a grandchild after 3 years of marriage. From that point on, I knew that I would be the parent who was most responsible for the "parenting" of this little being. And I was right. That husband "lasted" just about seven years (not including the four years we spent together BEFORE we got married). Now, one child and one divorce later, I bear the full burden of making sure that the little person doesn't grow up to be a serial killer. It's a fucking drag sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love my kid, but being the SOLE person responsible for ensuring that a person gets instilled with all of the shit they need to become a worthwhile human being...that pressure is immense. And sometimes I don't want that pressure. Sometimes I want to scream, "Why should I have to be the one to deal with all of this shit?" Oh, because the child's father isn't terribly invested...and I am the "strong" one, after all. Nobody questions my ability to handle all of this...but me.
I question myself all of the time. I wonder what the hell makes people think I can handle the stress, the pressure, the challenge, blah, blah, blah. They don't know that I pray for strength. I pray for guidance. I pray for luck. I wish for help. I wish for support. I wish for relief. And some days, I wish to just be left the fuck alone. Some days, I wish to BE that wallflower that blends into the background. They sure do seem to have it a lot easier. No expectations. No disappointment if they don't do something spectacular. Some days - I'm quite sure that ignorance ain't got nothing on bliss as far as "mediocrity" is concerned.
Sometimes I find myself so envious - envious of married people, envious of divorced people whose ex-spouses play a huge part in their kids'lives, envious of people without kids, envious of people who have never been married and have no intentions of getting married, envious of people with large extended families around them, envious of people with NANNIES AND HOUSEKEEPERS!
But, when all is said and done...I do what I always do. I let my "strong" self take over and just handle what needs to be handled. Someone once said to me that God will only give you what you can handle. Sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much.