Friday, September 30, 2011

10 Easy steps to not look like an idiot..

I know in this fast paced world of social media, fashion and the ever growing "political correctness"  I thought I would just throw this out, you know like a Peachy PSA, mostly because I actually care about you guys and since the game changes faster than the banking rules in monopoly when you are playing an 8 year old.  These rules are subject to change at any given moment and may be antiquated by the time you see it.  In that case, you should know better.

** Disclaimer** This post was originally started for another blog, however due to the tone and nature of the none peachy topics it landed itself over here on ThePits***

10 Easy steps to not appear like an idiot ( because I love you)

1- Sunglasses:  big, little, round, square, coach, or Serengeti drivers.  We all know they are a great buffer for a previous late night of party making or a quick jaunt to the corner market when you don't feel like slapping on a hundred bucks worth of make up to purchase a $3.00  ICEE or Iced coffee.  However hopefully around the age of 4  you have figured out that even if you are wearing sunglasses other people can still see you.  You're basically reducing yourself to a 3 year old or a dog that sticks his head under the couch or pulls a blanket over their head to become invisible.  WARNING others will still see you, which is fine,  UNLESS-  it's raining, it's night time, or you are inside a building.  In any of those cases you will be stared down, at, and generally look like  an idiot.

2- Fanny packs:  yes I own one ( ok 3)  but *cough*I got them when they were cool,*cough* ( sure sure whatever)  also you CAN'T freaking go to Disney without a fanny pack, or New York unless you have a fanny pack or a book bag,  especially if you have kids,  it is by far the saddest product I have to admit got a raw deal because honestly when you wear it and you got curves that fanny pack will bounce bounce baby bounce bounce,  which is basically a mating call at any comi-con.

3- Going to a comi-con while wearing sunglasses and a fanny pack.   Really?  If you are a chick WTH?  If you are a dude, I'm sorry man,  but buying a cat will probably be the closest you will ever be to "owning puss".

4-  Allow your daughter to wear a "vamp"  pirate serving wench or french maid costume before she is allowed to date ( which in my house was 18, but I am not judging you or your daughter, everyone else may be though)  especially if you dress her in a fashion that basically says, "  hi, please eyeball me like prime rib"

5- Allowing your child to be a jerkface.  If you have decided to go forth and multiply take the extra step to actually parent your kid. What I mean by this is,  if you have them and notice they are not nice little kids, then don't be surprised when they are totally assholes as grown ups.  Honestly if you had a puppy and didn't housebreak or crate train them and then one day went WTH?  Why did you just treat that person like that?  YOU ARE AN IDIOT.  Talking down about other people, families,  even animals, is basically telling your kid it's ok to be a jerkface.   Empathy, no matter your financial, racial, or cultural status you better teach it to your kid. They are your children, not your playground/pta buddy where they can fathom how to be 2 faced.

6-   Don't buy a car you can't afford the tag on.  In other words,  stop !  Deep down you simply need to move from point A to point B.  Sure things like AC and defrost and heat those things are nice,  but honestly the entire country has spent the last decade being so concerned about  appearance they would rather eat ramen, be late on the power bill while making sure they drive an expensive car and have their spa day.  Stop it, you look like an idiot.  If you can't get your car tag, don't buy that smart phone and get your nails done.  Honestly WTH are you thinking?  Anyone who judges you by the car you drive was obviously a victim of number 5.

7-Quit with the guilt factor.  Really if you are white upper middle class housewife with a college degree in philosophy or the advanced studies of western European guinie pig psychology or whatever the hell else your parents wasted their money on, that you will never use please tend to your own business, be grateful for your station in life and quit feeling the inner guilt you are clearly harboring for that station thanks to your parents hard work and your luck.  Put down the poster board, and picket sign,  Unless you are EXTREMELY well researched and rounded on the particular situation then shut up and go crochet something.  Seeing you on the news fighting for whatever the " topic of the week" is  makes for interesting news until the reporter asks your opinion and you say something asinine like " uhm it's bad for our country and moving in the wrong direction"  literally that's the equivalent to the stereo type of the guy with a pabst blue ribbon and a mullet saying, " it sounded like a train and then BAM my trailer was blown away"  please stop, unless you did something horrible you are paying penance for, stop it, if you want to pay it forward because you are lucky and do realize it.  Do community service,  teach your children ( if you have them)  by example, Visit a nursing home, VA, or go help in a soup kitchen,  pick a family that you can anonymously help,  mow an elderly senior neighbors yard,  trust me when I say that will be WAY more community service.  Sure you wont end up on TV and get all that valuable face time but was it really about you anyway or was it about the cause?

8- LIFE IS NOT A CONTEST.  If you live life as if it is constantly a contest YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.  Remember 3rd grade?  My Dad can beat up your Dad,  or   My scooby doo lunch box is way cooler than your strawberry shortcake lunch box.   There is a reason that is called elementary behavior, you should learn to not do it BEFORE you leave elementary school.   You don't need to look prettier than everyone, your husband does not need to "out earn" everyone, you don't need to buy $3000 worth of freaking chocolate bars so your kid can get a twenty five cent bouncy ball.  Oddly the same holds true on the opposite end of the spectrum.  You don't have to have the absolute worst migraines known to man simply because whoever you are talking to has fibro, or RA,  it's NOT A CONTEST.   My brain hanging out does not allow me a free pass to call you an idiot for being pissed you locked your keys in your car.   My pain/grief/joy/happiness is not a barometer for anyone elses problems or success.  Yesterday someone I care a lot of about said, " I feel like such an ass when I complain to you about my everyday crap, because compared to you it's nothing"  I literally had to stop her and say NO!  You totally get to own your  problems or joy, this isn't a contest or game.  I'm not a child who feels the need to excel in either direction I am just here to enjoy this journey called life, it sucking sometimes is just part of the deal, the same goes for you.

OK I am done,  It's 8 steps, because I am lazy, I mean, because I love you.  If you really want 10 go ahead and write the last 2 it will be good for you.

Peach out


Marie Nicole said...

I own a fanny pack. And you know what? It's totally YOUR fault I own one, and wear it. See, I followed and read and admired you, then stalked you on Facebook, then you shared pics about a friend who is a derby girl. I salivated on those pics and then started to dream. Then the dream became a reality and I too became a derby girl. Where's this all going? Fanny packs are SO derby! We skate at so many events, wearing very little, and need to carry keys, glasses, money, etc. And the fanny pack is the best option. I know. Pukey. And I will be the first to admit at being an idiot. But as far as your rule on kids go: YOU are obviously FAR from being an idiot. Your kids are obviously fantabulous (seen vids of the Prince).

Have a glorious day rule setter!

Miss ya and love ya!

Vinny C said...

If you ask me, the first 8 tips are as good ten.

I had a Heathcliff lunchbox. It was awesome! Actually, I think my mom still has it stored away somewhere at their place.

ThePeachy1 said...

Thanks Vinny. Also Heathcliff was da bomb. Nikki!!!! I love you and your fanny pack. Of course derby chicks have to have them ! The prince said Derby Chicks are like football players, but doing it with less protective gear while on wheels and looking good! Woot!

pattypunker said...

going shirtless with man boobs or a kangaroo pouch

pantylines. go commando or wear a thong. ribbing is not sexy.

great list, peacy.

ThePeachy1 said...

hahah yep those 2 are awesome! Punk on Sis

Unknown said...

My man has a fanny pack. He puts his camera in it. I call it his Murse- man purse. He hates that. lmao

Anonymous said...

When you say tag, do you mean price tag? I'm cornfused.

Biff Tanner said...