10 Easy steps to not look like an idiot..

I know in this fast paced world of social media, fashion and the ever growing "political correctness"  I thought I would just throw this out, you know like a Peachy PSA, mostly because I actually care about you guys and since the game changes faster than the banking rules in monopoly when you are playing an 8 year old.  These rules are subject to change at any given moment and may be antiquated by the time you see it.  In that case, you should know better.

** Disclaimer** This post was originally started for another blog, however due to the tone and nature of the none peachy topics it landed itself over here on ThePits***




10 Easy steps to not appear like an idiot ( because I love you)






1- Sunglasses:  big, little, round, square, coach, or Serengeti drivers.  We all know they are a great buffer for a previous late night of party making or a quick jaunt to the corner market when you don't feel like slapping on a hundred bucks worth of make up to purchase a $3.00  ICEE or Iced coffee.  However hopefully around the age of 4  you have figured out that even if you are wearing sunglasses other people can still see you.  You're basically reducing yourself to a 3 year old or a dog that sticks his head under the couch or pulls a blanket over their head to become invisible.  WARNING others will still see you, which is fine,  UNLESS-  it's raining, it's night time, or you are inside a building.  In any of those cases you will be stared down, at, and generally look like  an idiot.


2- Fanny packs:  yes I own one ( ok 3)  but *cough*I got them when they were cool,*cough* ( sure sure whatever)  also you CAN'T freaking go to Disney without a fanny pack, or New York unless you have a fanny pack or a book bag,  especially if you have kids,  it is by far the saddest product I have to admit got a raw deal because honestly when you wear it and you got curves that fanny pack will bounce bounce baby bounce bounce,  which is basically a mating call at any comi-con.


3- Going to a comi-con while wearing sunglasses and a fanny pack.   Really?  If you are a chick WTH?  If you are a dude, I'm sorry man,  but buying a cat will probably be the closest you will ever be to "owning puss".






4-  Allow your daughter to wear a "vamp"  pirate serving wench or french maid costume before she is allowed to date ( which in my house was 18, but I am not judging you or your daughter, everyone else may be though)  especially if you dress her in a fashion that basically says, "  hi, please eyeball me like prime rib"






5- Allowing your child to be a jerkface.  If you have decided to go forth and multiply take the extra step to actually parent your kid. What I mean by this is,  if you have them and notice they are not nice little kids, then don't be surprised when they are totally assholes as grown ups.  Honestly if you had a puppy and didn't housebreak or crate train them and then one day went WTH?  Why did you just treat that person like that?  YOU ARE AN IDIOT.  Talking down about other people, families,  even animals, is basically telling your kid it's ok to be a jerkface.   Empathy, no matter your financial, racial, or cultural status you better teach it to your kid. They are your children, not your playground/pta buddy where they can fathom how to be 2 faced.






6-   Don't buy a car you can't afford the tag on.  In other words,  stop !  Deep down you simply need to move from point A to point B.  Sure things like AC and defrost and heat those things are nice,  but honestly the entire country has spent the last decade being so concerned about  appearance they would rather eat ramen, be late on the power bill while making sure they drive an expensive car and have their spa day.  Stop it, you look like an idiot.  If you can't get your car tag, don't buy that smart phone and get your nails done.  Honestly WTH are you thinking?  Anyone who judges you by the car you drive was obviously a victim of number 5.


7-Quit with the guilt factor.  Really if you are white upper middle class housewife with a college degree in philosophy or the advanced studies of western European guinie pig psychology or whatever the hell else your parents wasted their money on, that you will never use please tend to your own business, be grateful for your station in life and quit feeling the inner guilt you are clearly harboring for that station thanks to your parents hard work and your luck.  Put down the poster board, and picket sign,  Unless you are EXTREMELY well researched and rounded on the particular situation then shut up and go crochet something.  Seeing you on the news fighting for whatever the " topic of the week" is  makes for interesting news until the reporter asks your opinion and you say something asinine like " uhm it's bad for our country and moving in the wrong direction"  literally that's the equivalent to the stereo type of the guy with a pabst blue ribbon and a mullet saying, " it sounded like a train and then BAM my trailer was blown away"  please stop, unless you did something horrible you are paying penance for, stop it, if you want to pay it forward because you are lucky and do realize it.  Do community service,  teach your children ( if you have them)  by example, Visit a nursing home, VA, or go help in a soup kitchen,  pick a family that you can anonymously help,  mow an elderly senior neighbors yard,  trust me when I say that will be WAY more community service.  Sure you wont end up on TV and get all that valuable face time but was it really about you anyway or was it about the cause?


8- LIFE IS NOT A CONTEST.  If you live life as if it is constantly a contest YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.  Remember 3rd grade?  My Dad can beat up your Dad,  or   My scooby doo lunch box is way cooler than your strawberry shortcake lunch box.   There is a reason that is called elementary behavior, you should learn to not do it BEFORE you leave elementary school.   You don't need to look prettier than everyone, your husband does not need to "out earn" everyone, you don't need to buy $3000 worth of freaking chocolate bars so your kid can get a twenty five cent bouncy ball.  Oddly the same holds true on the opposite end of the spectrum.  You don't have to have the absolute worst migraines known to man simply because whoever you are talking to has fibro, or RA,  it's NOT A CONTEST.   My brain hanging out does not allow me a free pass to call you an idiot for being pissed you locked your keys in your car.   My pain/grief/joy/happiness is not a barometer for anyone elses problems or success.  Yesterday someone I care a lot of about said, " I feel like such an ass when I complain to you about my everyday crap, because compared to you it's nothing"  I literally had to stop her and say NO!  You totally get to own your  problems or joy, this isn't a contest or game.  I'm not a child who feels the need to excel in either direction I am just here to enjoy this journey called life, it sucking sometimes is just part of the deal, the same goes for you.


OK I am done,  It's 8 steps, because I am lazy, I mean, because I love you.  If you really want 10 go ahead and write the last 2 it will be good for you.




xo
Peach out

Let them Eat Shit!

Yes Miss Hopkins please take this article and make several copies send it out to everyone in the United States marked Urgent and then make sure it gets placed in the ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME file.  Right next to the dumb bitch who went on the national news saying she needed to file a law suit against McDonalds for selling a product in the Free Market America. Thank you.  I will be inside a bottle of Vodka rocking back and forth in disbelief this is happening in my country.

Click to See Full Size -  Article from Chicago Tribune

I could write a rant of epic proportions on the level of fucking insanity that this country is turning into.   I could spew from my mouth about the level of utter moron-ism that it takes for a mega twit to stand on the damn news and think it's ok to say shit like " I can't tell my 7 year old she can't eat a happy meal and that's why she is fat and it's because of the toy so you shouldn't sell toys"
Because GOD/Budda/Alla/ Zeus knows  it's that Damn Red headed Clowns fault you're a shit for brains no spine sorry excuse for a parent to a spoiled little fucking brat and so we need to shut down free commerce so your little princess of pork doesn't want a happy meal.  It's not enough they offer apple slices, milk and salads,  NO.  It's not enough you could just drive a route that doesn't send her into a freaking ravenous rage for a fucking $1.00 toy in exchange for a greasy bag by seeing those golden arches.  NO.   But most definitely we could never expect you to actually parent YOUR own damn child.  That would clearly be asking too much, so lets have the fucking Government waste some more money tying up our courts with your stupid case,  then do some testing, research, write up some legislature and spend about 5 billion bucks because you have the FUCKING AUDACITY TO GO ON THE NEWS AND SAY YOU ARE A SHIT FOR FUCKING BRAINS HORRIBLE FUCKING PARENT WHO CAN NOT PARENT.   The best part, the news pampered your baby ass like you were such a victim.  I wanted to vomit and then mail it to you.  I can't wait until she's 12 and wants to have sex in her bedroom.  Hope you learn to say no in the next 5 years or are you thinking the Government is going to handle that one too?  OH wait let me guess planned parenthood? Welfare?  OH yeah guess I will pick up that tab too you lovely piece of work.  Hold up. Drugs are running rampit what if she wants to try booze and crack around 14? I mean seriously, that's way more freaking addictive than a little mermaid doll.  Shit. I certainly hope they come up with a solution for that soon.  You are seriously screwed.  Oh no your not. I am, because that's right, YOU REFUSE TO PARENT AND ADMIT IT.  Thanks, and a Big Thanks to the news, which is no longer the news, it's actually just a twisted version of whatever cause needs to be pushed by whoever owns whatever they want pushed.



Now on to the wonderful article above in the Chicago Times-
YOU MUST EAT THE SCHOOL LUNCH.  Unless you have a medical issue with a Doctors note you may not bring a lunch from home.   This means  that the shit slop overpriced alpo that all the kids in America get mere seconds to chug down their digestive systems is now the ONLY option. Remember the Soup Natzi?  Yeah this Principal is the freaking lunch Natzi?  Holy Shit, that boat will not float. That's right folks !  Sexy huh? If you ever dared to say hospital food is bad, I beg you to sit through a weeks worth of school food, and do it on the students schedule.  It's awesome.  Watch the Chow Hall scene from GI Jane.  It sums it up pretty good.   First in many areas a large portion of the children are on free or reduced lunches.  The remainder of the kids are being overcharged for what is the nutritional equivalent to dog shit  with a crushed prenatal vitamin on top.  It has all the flavor of  Kim Chi that has been left in the trunk of a car in the deep south with melted ice cream for a week.  Simply put. I wouldn't eat that shit if you paid MY ASS in Pirate Gold.   So I pack my kids lunch.  He gets fruit, a sandwich, milk, cheese, pudding, whatever.  Also they get 30 minutes.  Wow. Lucky kids huh?  No not really. That's 30 minutes from the time they leave their class and have to get back, in that time they cross campus, wait in line,  have shit slopped on a ( often dirty) tray,  get over charged,   find a seat where they wont get the crap beat out of them by a bully,  sit down, by now 17-20 minutes have passed.  They have less than 6 minutes to actually eat and drink their " food like substance"  because they need to cross campus and get back to class.  Don't forget if you intend on washing your hands or using the restroom you better be damn sure you are at the front of the line.   Oh and if you think I am talking 9th grade and up. NEGATIVE.  It's been this way since 1st grade.  Not just my school system.  Today I heard 10 callers on the radio from 4 states all with the same sceneries.   Shocking !   So here a principal has no decided that CHILDREN CAN ONLY PURCHASE FOOD FROM HER SCHOOL.   The CAN NOT BRING HOME MADE LUNCHES.  This means if you don't qualify for free or reduced lunches but you don't have the funds you can't pack your kid a lunch.  It also means if your kid doesn't like sloppy joes and meat loaf, and hamburgers, TOUGH SHIT.  That's right, my kid who doesn't eat hamburger, or as in the case of school lunches, ground up cock roaches, at least 3 days a week he would go without eating from  610am until 325pm  to me I find that completely UNHEALTHY and a FORM OF CHILD ABUSE.   If my child lived in that district, or if they were to dare and enact that law here. You could bet your sweet ass I would end up on the news and chances are they would not be speaking favorably of me like the did the dumb bitch suing McDonalds.

Just saying.  If we don't collectively as a country say enough of this bullshit we wont be taking anymore, then we will indeed wake up one day with no more rights, how much will we hand over before it is all gone.  We were once the land of the free and the home of the brave. Now we are the land of the
_______________________ and the home of the ______________________________


You fill in the blanks.




XO


PEACH OUT

The fur was a flying I tell ya!

Ok I know I have been all kinds of missing but people I have some great shit to tell you.

You see it's Spring break down here in the south and that means GOOD TIMES, and when I say GOOD TIMES I mean FREAKING HILARIOUS RED NECK DEBAUCHERY.

Ok I have another post to show you of shit I saw in a 5 mile radius when I had my camera out that will just blow your mind but this one I have to just write down before I forget things ok? good glad you agree.

It's spring break, so I have my extra kid, who is really my great nephew but he lives close down the road, him and the prince are best buds, only a year apart and so during the school year we only have him on weekends but it's spring break YO so he's here for the 4th grade debauchery that is farts, yohoos and all the xbox they can wrangle up.

I have to go and run some business errands so I totally bribe them with junk food and toys they are such well behaved young men and accompany me helping me with the business. Then in the midst of everything 2 cities from where I live  I realize one of them blows out a shoe, the other pops a button off their shorts and I need a mailing label and  sharpie because I wrote the competitors contact name under the other competitors business companies name and they are both my customers and OMFG the world would surely end and I would indeed lose both my customers. Then the world would end, since both of those customers are fairly large corps and some of the few NON Gulf Coast Customers.  It is important to have NON Gulf Coast Customers.  Ask me why.  ( from the crowd)  WHY?  ( thank you)  Well because hurricanes, and oil spills make people unable to pay their freaking bills every couple of years and if you really like things like food and electricity you can't just be a local company.  ( from the crowd,  wow you sounded a bit angry maybe you should get some therapy)  Shut the fuck up NOW I have a story here !

So I have this epiphany,  ( check my big word yo!)  but it's a sad one,  like when you are around 7 and realize that your gold fish isn't fucking sleeping?  that kind of sad,  but throw in that OMFHMOG  ( that's a HOLY MOTHER OF)  panic feeling in there from the first time you stopped on the train tracks in traffic with a car in front of you and an super douche on your bumper and then heard a train whistle.   That kind of sad/panic epiphany when I realized that here in podunkville south deliverance land the only solution would be
( que the evil music here)

dun dun dun

DEVIL MART !

Yes I hate the place I refuse to shop there, it's a guaranteed  way to get every single one of your 5 senses offended then it will offend senses you didn't even know you had, especially if you live in the south, and if you go to the particular one in the city were we happened to be it's a double win with a chance of seeing a drug deal/fist fight/man in drag/500lb man/woman in a pair of shorty jorts.  

So we go in on a mission, snag stuff, no lolly gaggin grab it in out hit check out 11, touch nothing, no eye contact,  as we are checking out it goes down.   

Me and the boys are at check out 11.

When all hell breaks loose.  Apparently the  quite well fed Jack Ass Ho in a grungy bikini top and jorts at aisle 13 becomes every level of unhinged on the half shirt, landing strip and sun visor wearing Redneck Douche pimp Wanna Be at aisle 12.

She could have skipped a couple piercings and visited a dentist?   Hopefully she bought a clean and larger/longer shirt while she was at the store.

I also hope he purchased a larger longer shirt,  and a razor.  Possibly a brain.

They were so loud and over shouting each other that I couldn't make out a damn thing they were saying, which was sad actually. Because if your going to make a huge ass of yourself in public at least put on a good show and let people decide who the clear victor is right?    As the one 4'11"  80lb unarmed security gaurd approached looking more like a sacrificial lamb than anything else, I suggested to check out lady #11 some one might consider calling  el- 911.  She said, " that's not my job".  Gosh I love the American work attitude.   

I was able to make out the Redneck Ho Jack ass Scream,  " YOU NEED TO QUIT SELLING DRUGS ASSHOLE !!!"

To which the Redneck Pimp retorted , " Then where would you get your get your free shit for just sucking a dick?"

to which he ended the argument with this.

  

Except it was him, and it was a couple $1 bills and some change, but I totally got what he meant.

xo

PEACH OUT

it's blank bitches

sorry trolls go somewhere else let like the Tea Cup ride at Disney.

pay a fee wait in line or go to the short rides