Wednesday, March 21, 2012

living while waiting....

For a very long time, I have had to live while waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I say living but it's really just existing with spurts of me faking living when I can muster the strength to push the elephant in the room to the back of my mind.

When someone you love with all of your soul makes horrible choices, you have to make a choice.

I made a choice to love from a distance, allow that person to do things at their will, wherever they wanted. The condition. I would not support that person, their activities or their train of thought, not emotionally and definitely not financially.

Of course that comes with what is often emotionally a higher consequence for me, a soul eating mind boggling, hellish existence.  Torn when the phone doesn't ring.  Then furious and emotional and again torn when it does.  There is no happy medium there is no mutual enjoyment of life and it's experiences.  It is what it is.  An inner ring of hell.

It's odd how the human brain learns to process things that are so completely outrageous and unacceptable if they happen enough.  Literally the brain removes any logic to save the heart.  It's like the brain knows if one more little piece of your soul falls to the floor you will collapse with all breath gone and fade away.

Things you never in your life thought you would hear,  become somewhat expected.  Disappointing? Well of course.  Fear inducing, almost every time.   Seeing red with angry,  your brain somehow melts it to where a simple wash of un-easy gently rolls off your back.

You can't fix it, they don't want to be fixed, no matter how absolutely insane and ludicrous the situation you can not even point out how completely illogical the situation is, let alone offer solutions.  There are no less than 683 million reasons why all of your ideas are completely stupid.

You learn to focus not on the highs, not on the lows,  not on the shocking news,  but only on the fact that you love that person.   You make sure whatever you say wont offend them, or their choices, and you make double damn sure that person knows you love them, you love them deeply, you love them completely, you love them from your soul.  You only want the best for them, safety for them, happiness for them.

You see no one really has the same idea of happiness..  It took me 43 years to realize that.  Another thing this person taught me.  Just because it's " the normal" thing that you are sure would make anyone happy, happy and delighted and feeling so very lucky,   that can seem like hell on earth to someone with a completely different view of happy.  Their view of happy would be most peoples view of hell on earth.  So who am I to attempt to enforce my cookie cutter ideal of happy on anyone, any adult on the planet.  Simply put, I am no one.  I am just a daughter, a wife, a sister, a mother, an aunt, a friend.

I am made up as we all our of a unique cocktail of our childhoods, our teachers, our elders, our peers, our own life lessons, co workers, books we have read, shows we have seen.  Just a big casserole of a human being trying to find "happy".  When I achieved happy I assumed that would be wonderful,  more than wonderful, and that in turn everyone would become happy, everyone would see how hard work brings happy, how loving each other brings happy,  how walking the right road, singing your own theme song, and smiling would obviously land you in happy.

I had a really hard time the past 20 years trying to shove people into the happy, I tried to drag them into happy, push them in, beg them, lure them,  slide shows of happy,  hand made cards, long emails, song dedications, heart felt talks and hugs, I could surely get them to happy, and then once they saw happy they would be like DUH clearly I want happy too !  

I was wrong, their happy was so different than mine or most of societies so I had to do one of the hardest things on the planet and accept they would not be in my happy with me.  Maybe they were taking a different route, and we would meet up in happy.  Maybe their happy just meant more pit stops, more experiences, different criteria,  maybe  their happy would never lead to the same location as my happy, not even in the same area and I could never see them from my happy, what would I do then?

So then slowly you say, well they aren't in my happy or headed that way,  but their happy could be really good for them, and so I will work on being happy for them in their happy.  little crumbles of your heart fall, and your soul tears a little more.  But in the end all you really want is for them to be happy, even if it's not your happy.  So you convince yourself not to be such as narrow minded selfish ass who demands everyone's happiness is within arms reach of your happiness.  Don't be such an idiot to think we are all alike, what a boring world that would be right?  Keep telling yourself that, it makes it easier and you can persevere your heart, mind and soul a little more.  Plus it does make them happy that you are happy for them in their happiness.  It is painful but it's good for them and for the relationship.

Then a call comes, it's not happy call, you are prepared because when this disease spins round and round the calls come in 2 forms and 2 forms ONLY.  On top of the world best thing ever, everything is beyond amazing.  The next call could be in a week, or within 20 minutes of the first call  the world is ending, completely ending, there is no hope, there is no escape, there is nothing that can make it better, you can only listen, and try not to cry and remember to love, offer helpful solutions, even offer to make arrangements or calls even though miles separate you the internet can allow you to help, you do what you can and it's usually for nothing,  it never works out, but you make damn sure they know you love them, you love them so much you can't breath when they are in pain.

The calls- you see the caller id, it's a number from a state that you don't know, ever. But you know who is on the other end, you don't know what kind of call it will be, but you take deep breaths and you prepare to play the roulette game that is literally their life.  What kind of call, what kind of incredibly fantastic nearly ludicrousness words of grandeur  or is it going to be the gut wrenching heart breaking sobbing pleads for help.  You don't know, but you answer the phone, inviting the insanity, the roller coaster of love and hate and pain into the mundane yet happy that you are attempting to convince yourself of daily.

Nothing surprises you now.  Literally,  as long as it's their voice on the end you are prepared.  Simply because it's the common procedure.  You've learned to stop yelling, begging, urging, and just learned to focus on conveying the fact that you love the elephant in the room, and you love that elephant when your eyes open in the morning, and you love that elephant when your eyes wont close at night without a tear quietly running down your cheek.  No one see's your tear. No one hears your cry and no one, no one on the planet can understand why this elephant is needed so deeply and is somehow comforting.

Then as you are in your happiness on the back porch wind blowing you sit with your little family, cross legged looking at your happiness, eating sandwiches and thinking how peaceful and loving and happy this all is.  The phone rings.

The elephant steps outside.  With 1 sentence the elephant sits on your chest, takes your breath, and overcomes your world as it's sucked away by the crushing.  But sometime when that elephant climbs on your it compartmentalization your body,  the soul, the heart, the brain, are functioning separately.  This is good for you, it allows you to attempt to speak in a sane, calm, tone, using gentle words, no blame, just love.  The call ends, with mutual " I love you's"

The happiness is gone for them. Now faced with a very adult matter that simply can't be "worked away".

You don't remember the rest of the happy picnic,  the people in your happiness with you do not have a conversation with you in regards to it.  You move on as you do after every call.   But something is wrong.  Very wrong

You can't tell anyone, yet you don't cry, you don't sob, you don't fall to the floor throwing up, you don't steal a car and get to the elephant just to hold them.

What the hell is wrong with you.  Why are you not responding like a human,  why not like all the times you had hard news before.  You haven't fallen apart yet.   Will you fall apart?  Will this change your ability to move forward?  Will this person now want back in your happy?  If this person comes back can you handle it, can the happy team handle it,  what will be the cost of the elephant if you don't?  What will be the cost of happy if you do.  

I know the other shoe will fall, It has to, there is just no way to process this without dying more inside,   maybe I am out of soul, heart, tears..  Maybe I have been cried out, maybe I am stronger, maybe my brain is trying to protect me.

I am very much not ok.  Mostly because I feel ok,  there is no way I should feel ok.  Why am I not shaking sitting in the shower crying and sobbing and vomiting like I have done so many times before when the not happy, no ok news came in.

I'm not even shaking.

The shoe will drop, I hope, I beg, I have the strength, the knowledge, the wisdom, the compassion, the ability, the life experience, balanced with the brain, the heart and soul, to take this journey.  To share my happy,  to understand their happy, to make a new happy, but most of all, to convey they undying, deepest of love and the basic humanity to make their happy the best happy I can make it.
          photo credit to

please find your happy, please let everyone you know how much you love them, even if their happy is so completely different than your happy.



Elly Lou said...

Can't. Breathe.


Venom said...

Think I've told you that I have one of those elephants too...
long squeezy hug,

The Reckmonster said...

Actually, you've got it all wrong. The fact that you are doing what you need to do (compartmentalizing, establishing clear boundaries, realizing that you cannot control other people or situations) to keep yourself sane is OKAY. It's not okay when you allow boundaries to crumble and it destroys you. You ARE doing it right...because it works for you - that's all that matters. You can still love someone with every fiber of your being and have to have the most stringent boundaries with them. Sending you oodles and oodles of supah strong KBC mojo and positive chi to keep mah boomslang sistah strong!! On a lighter note...was that your pet elephant from Thailand?! XOXO, Peach!!!

Busana Muslim said...

This is a great posting I have read. I like your article.

DB Stewart said...

Wow. I really like the way you phrase your attempt to push people into the happy. I've been there too. It's exhausting and devastating.