Thursday, September 9, 2010

you really shit in your pot this time baby Osmond

As you guys know I am pretty scientific. I mean I did a study on weebles, with pie charts and illustrations and all that jazzy stuff.

Then through my diligent and professional mostly made up by jumping to conclusions journalistic research I busted one of the biggest Hollywood / Utah Secrets wide open and offered scientific proof that

But now I kind of feel bad for that Beaver kid, because I am the first to come to a solid and scientific realization that his career is over.  So young, so spoiled and it's over, all over, and I blame the adults around him for not keeping him from ending his own career so early. This was totally avoidable.

As we all know Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are robots of mass destruction.  No one can act, sing, be that fashionable, look that good, and make that level of adorable kids and keep the press from publishing anything horrible unless they sold their soul to the devil OR they are robots of mass destruction.  Since their children have also been privy to acting, musical skills, and looks they can't have sold their souls to the devil because who would sell their infants soul to the devil.  This leaves 1 undeniable conclusion.  They are robots of mass destruction.  ( they probably also have blackmail pictures of everyone in Hollywood and NY that has ever taken a breath and this is how they control the press so well  OR it could be robot of mass destruction hypnotism.)

The moment of the beginning of the end.
1- When I released to the world  that Justank was an Osmond
2- When Justank got a little too big for his britches and had a dance off with Jaden Smith.

Justin.  It's bad enough you were handed a career of boyhood stardom at a young age by being plucked out of oblivion  by super stars in the music field and then jammed down every young girls throat with your pre pubescent Vienna boys choir auto tuning screach owl music and thrust into super stardom.

But my petite super star, as my Daddy would say, " I think you shit in your own pot" here little boy.

JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING BY HAVING A DANCE OFF WITH 
JADAN SMITH?


Did that water bottle hit you a bit hard on the brain?  You little dumbshit.  There are a few rules the yes men ass kissing adults around you need to ball up and remind you about.

1- You ARE indeed a child and not a small adult and therefore you should have enforced rules instead of yes men.
2- The talent you think you currently have is fleeting. By fleeting I mean when that first crotch hair busts through your voice will change and it will probably become too expensive to auto tune you back into a 6 year old little girl voice.  Although it worked for MJ, but he had to give up his monkey, ranch and nose? Are you willing to go that far?
3- You really really really need school.  Not surfing ( because you were boogie boarding or another acceptable term would have been body boarding, not surfing  idiot). 
exhibit A


4-Don't bite the hand that feeds you and don't EVER bite the hand that holds the black mail photos of the hand that feeds you
5- See number 4 but understand they are robots of mass destruction and your life is over.


OK so beside the obvious every  person in the Pinkett / Smith family  right down to the kids hamster could buy your dumb ass 5 times over and have serious industry staying power.  Did you know Jaden could do this?
Obviously a ninja/jedi/robot of mass destruction.


a-Lets review this research. You have no real viable talent or staying power and just like Shawn Cassidy and Greg Brady and even Corey Haim, your career has the shelf life of flash paper. 

b- you got too big for your britches and had a dance off with a kid who has a massive movie career, his mom is a movie star of epic proportions and his dad not only over came being the Fresh Prince of Belair to become a  massive movie star but is also a pretty kick ass musician .

c- you have the appeal of a dog fart and the intelligence of a rabid gecko on a shit stick.

so my little Justank Beaver I say to you, So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodnight"
Not that you would have a clue about that movie or the breakfast club, or gone with the wind, or war and peace or of mice and men,.the green mile, or any other film old or current that doesn't have some bimbo flashing her tata's  Because that stuff probably isn't hip or cool or the shnizzel in the hinizzle  or whatever the fuck new non english word you idiots will make up because you can't possibly use a thesaurus to find alternate real words.

Also giving less credibility this dance off took place in a freaking bowling alley. so this is either a scene out of Porkeys or Grease.  Both of which I would assume you have never seen or  you would know that a dance off between 2 kids under 17 in a bowling ally is more gay than tube socks with 8o's basketball shorts.

Really you won with the moon walk?  1 out of of 3 people can moon walk,  only 1 out of 5 can properly do the tootsie roll. Plus you had more yes men there than Jadan ( because Robots don't need a  lot of body guards) so if you judged it by applause then of course you won, they were all on your payroll.

On your way out can you please take those sparkly ass vampires and bad boy werewolves with you?  Frankly I am pretty sick of adult women acting like 12 year olds over this crap.

I enjoyed the ride, thanks for the fish ( from a book you probably will never read)




xoxo
Pits of the Peach





6 comments:

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Well what's left to say? I think you've summed it up quite nicely.

Barbara said...

Dark side peachy!
As further evidence, Jaden's grandmother passed very close to his birthday. Instead of a party he chose to have his friends give gifts to a children's hospital instead of getting gifts for him. I think the robots need to write a book on parenting.

ThePeachy1 said...

Barbara- indeed. this is where you run out of peach and only get the pit. Like Dr Peachy and Mr Pit or something. But you bring a valid point, the Pinkett/Smith children are not ONLY pint sized replicas of their awesome parents and robots of mass destruction, they are being raised NON spoiled, and treated like kids with rules and manners and common sense. Thank you Robots. Please set your phasers to remove and point at Justin Bieber.

Kevin said...

Justin Bieber (more like Justin Gayber, amirite?) is a Canadian singer that sounds like a prepubescent 8 year old girl and is probably the biggest wigger since Vanilla Ice. He needs to do the world a favor and grow some pubes and his balls, if he/she has any, need to drop faster than Tiger Woods' sponsors. His dream is to become black and someday be as good a rapper as his idol K-Fed (who he views as a rap god).

There's also rumors that he sits down when he pees, but no one in their right mind wants to look at his nasty mangina to prove it. He's the product of a mad scientist's drunken afternoon when he mixed too much douchebaggery while trying to create a new Hannah Montana/Jonas Brother hybrid.

It's a mystery why his fangirls (aka Biebtards) actually find him sexy. It's probably because they're secretly lesbians because it's common knowledge that he's really a female...I could continue to rant about this irrelevant little piss stain but I have better things to do with my time...like licking piss off of nettles!!

R.W. Wells said...

First off, you make me spurt Yoohoo from my nose...

Secondly, you had me convinced scientifically and factually that Justank is an Osmond (an evil minion at that) and...

Thirdly, you lost me with the snide remark about tube socks and 80's basketball shorts. Mark my words, they'll be making a HUGE comeback!

ThePeachy1 said...

1- I have never been so happy to see YooHoo and nose in a sentence. that could have went another way.
2-evil minion baby osmond, note the purple fetish, and since he doesn't look like prince but does look like Utah breeder Donny, I am calling a springer here.
3- yes that and mullets along with black and white beta max are all the new plaid.