Yeah you enjoy that mkay...

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more; whatever the
case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to W est Virginia together! Have a great life!

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Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I t urned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem .




OH how I love things like this....


XO

PEACH OUT

Dumped but with kindness

I have noticed over the past few months that I am quite the bitch maybe not as nice to people in public as I should be.  So until I can get my social butterfly wings back I  am not allowed to leave the house limit my public appearances.

This is an issue.  Due to where I live ( 5thousand and 2 miles from any civilization).  There is no food delivery, or grocery delivery or people. Hell we are lucky to have sunlight piped in and on random occasion phone service.

So I jump on the web yesterday and did some Christmas shopping.  In 3 stores/websites I had knocked out nearly all of my shopping  and for a lot less than I would have spent on the bail money had I gone out in public and had to jack somebody up.

I got clearance deals and free shipping and cyber week sales and woot I never even had to get dressed or comb my hair.  This is what I am talking about.   

All my confirmation emails came in I did it early enough to not worry about shipping times.  I was so proud of myself for doing that all that and bargain shopping to stay in budget was worth it.

Then as my Grandmother used to say, " pride cometh before the fall "

I woke up this morning ( far too early)  and in my email was what can only be construed as a Dear John letter to me.

This totally wreaks of a break up letter where they say, " oh it's not you " and that stirs up bad repressed feelings that make me even more stabby.

There's nothing in the letter saying that they are giving me my money back. I don't want a personal shopper I am quite capable of looking for cheap stuff on my own.  

I should also mention that this order was the one where I bought all of you a present, and now they aren't filling it so boo your Christmas is ruined too.  

I need chocolate.  NOW !

XO

PEACH OUT