Your kind of event !

This conversation  took place between me and my husband while he was at work this morning on chat.   There was a story on the midday news about an "event" coming up, and 2 people were there representing the event and giving information about it.  It so happens that my husband enjoys these types of events but has NOT been to one in the over 15 years we have been married because he had the common sense to completely avoid letting me be aware of this until I had invested way too much time and gained too much weight to go back in the dating pool.   The names and places of the event have been changed to protect the creepy people that may or may not be innocent... allegedly.

Peach- it was just on the news the local dude, I guess it lasts 24 hours straight and they camp out??? seriously?? anyway the 2 guys on totally look like text book pedophiles, I'm sure they are super skilled at social settings, anyway it kicks off with a free pic nic & food at noon on "insert date", then they start " insert activity" at 1pm, then the continuously "insert activity"t until 1pm on sunday, they are encouraging families to come out, they will have "insert 3 kinds of modern and not modern technology", "insert awards" for kids to make contact, and "other stuff" whatever it's called it took me a minute to figure out they weren't profiling serial killers. here's the site they gave "insert website" and I could only write down 1 guys phone number fast enough "insert guy who gave his personal cell phone on the news "it's in "insert town"

Droid- yeah, we can go check it out if you want. Unless its a big "insert word that implies that this event could be bigger" event it will be fairly boring....I have been in many "insert event" as an " insert term for person who spent time at these". I even had a pic of me and Pat Sherrill at one of the events.lol

*** If you don't know who Pat Sherril is, but have used the term "going postal" at this point I will wait while you go and google Pat Sherril because you need to understand that there is a picture of my husband WITH this person????"

Peach- oh we totally need to find that picture because that is probably the ONLY thing that would make those people less creepy

Droid- Well It had pat standingin front of one of the emergency op vans...

Peach - but yes we should go, it does sound like fun, and it would be cool for you and "the prince" to do/see, plus we really don't get out and I will assume that it's free... and they probably have candy in their pockets or vans

Droid- black and white thing.. might be in that red photo albmun or something somewhere

Peach - their rape vans

Droid- oh it will be free, trust me, they WANT the public to see it, and hopefully get some new meat interested in "insert hobby/obsession"

Peach- yeah you said meat,

Peach-  ok well I guess we will go, I've never been, I'm up to trying new things, that don't involve me or my kid getting murdered.  Do you think the Prince is too old to wear a leash?

Peach-  I think I will dress like a cop just in case  or do you think that would make people less or more likely to kill/injure/kidnap me?

Peach-  not sexy cop, like in a mini skirt and boobs out and high heels, but like a manly cop, with a bullet proof vest so you can't even see my boobs cause they are mashed down. Never mind that sounds really uncomfortable and if I am uncomfortable I wont have a good time no matter how awesome and friendly these people who avoid all human contact are.  Do you think that's why some cops seems grumpy?

Peach-  Never mind the cop thing, " the prince"  is a green belt now so I wont worry about the leash plus we had that gps chip implanted in him when he became a tween anyway.   Plus it will probably be really hot out, so I might wear something like the thing Princess Leia wore when she was chained to Jabba the hut.  WAIT  I have it, you wear the Princess Leia slave bikini thing and I will go as Jabba the hut and you can be chained to me, that way you will be like bait and I can eat all the free food they have there.  That's the plan ok?

Peach- I thought about I will pack us a lunch their food probably has ruffies in it.  That would totally suck if we got ruffied and then " the prince" had to drive us home because he still has a couple years before he can get a license and he nearly drove into the house on the riding lawn mower this weekend,  how does that happen?  I mean he has 2.5 acres to drive around the house is not in the way.  So yeah he's totally not driving us, but I don't want to pack a lunch, so here's the deal, YOU don't eat there, I will, because honestly I don't care what you do if I am ruffied as long as you don't sell me to anyone or something, but since I will be dressed like Jabba the hut I will probably be good.

Peach-  do you think we can rent one of those scooter things?  I mean if I get ruffied it would probably be better to have a scooter so you could just drive me around rather than drag me since you will be dressed in a bikini like Princess Leia.

Peach-  ok so we will go to this thing,  we know what we are wearing, who is eating, transportation,  it's all set,  do you realize how hot our UPS guy is?  Seriously?  that guys is flat out smokin' hot,  he just came by but we didn't get anything he was on the wrong road which is his code for,  " hey baby want some afternoon UPS guy?" and I was like oh yeah you know it,  then I told him I would be all ruffied up after this event, and he gave me that look and said he would be back,  even if I have to send something to myself.  Are you even listening to me?  WTH are you doing?

Droid-  yeah baby I'm listening,  sounds good looking forward to it,  I'm eating a Beef Stew MRE for lunch, it's pretty good.

Peach-  MRE?  uhm your a computer guy in a downtown complex with 5 restaurants within walking distance?   I have to go. I think the cat did bath salts it's trying to eat the stairs, which I guess to a cat on bath salts looks like a human face.

Have a great week...

xo
PEACH OUT

Marriage and Porn

An adorable old couple that had been together more decades we have been alive were sitting on the couch watching TV.   She had her crotchet afghan on her lap,  he had "the clicker" ( that's a remote for you young wipper snappers).

She was doing her word search puzzle and he was doing his nightly habit of clicking back and forth between 2 stations.

Finally after 30 minutes she looked up to notice that the 2 channels he kept clicking back and forth between were a Fishing Channel and a Porn Channel.   She rolled her eyes and ignored him knowing he would eventually " rest his eyes " thus ending the horrible switching back and forth.

45 minutes in she had enough and slammed her book on her lap and said.

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD JUST PUT IT ON THAT PORN CHANNEL AND LEAVE IT!!!!!"

Her husband completely confused, yet strangely giddy about hearing her make that demand, had a smile across his face as he clicked it to the Porn Channel thinking quietly to himself that he may just end up getting lucky for the first time in a decade.

His smile left his face when she made her next remark..............

" This is the obvious choice,  you already know how to fish."

To be an idiot or Not to be....

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary & his wife was angry. She said, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds & IT BETTER BE THERE!" When she woke up, she looked out the window & sure enough there was a box in the middle of the driveway. She ran outside to open it & inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.


sometimes it's better to contain your inner smart ass, sometimes it's totally worth it.




go kick Mondays ass yall !


xo
PEACH OUT

Up thy ass

As you know by know I have a bit of a " don't give a hoot" personality.  This bodes me well especially in the epic fucktastic worldwind that is my life.

I lazily roll over roadblocks while laughing and at them and shouting my mantra that "everything happens for a reason".

Then today.

Today a troll of a bitch from the bowels of satan calls my phone.  She has never met me.  She is in the medical field. She can not pronounce my DX and obviously has no clue what it is or how it works.  Yet she felt the need to pass her own little narrow minded behind a desk, Monday Morning judgment on me.  I took her verbal stabs and blows.

There was no need for what she did. None.  I was disappointed in my lack of usual fire back, and put in place ability.  Maybe the last seizure weakened me,  maybe the heart attacks have me down,  maybe I am just tired of being the "educator of the medical field"   but I let her think she had won.

I did something I never do.  I called my husband, and turned her in.  I told him with a quivering voice that I was done, and she was the cause and that I didn't want to fight anymore.  I wasn't expecting him to break character but just as I had today he did also, he picked up the baton, and proceeded to verbally beat the ever living shit out of this woman with it for 30 minutes.  That is not his style.  That is not him.  That is me. But I had dropped the ball.  He picked it up.

Thanks Droid.

You're a good man Charlie Brown

xo

PEACH OUT

Yeah you enjoy that mkay...

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more; whatever the
case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to W est Virginia together! Have a great life!

--------------- ------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I t urned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem .




OH how I love things like this....


XO

PEACH OUT

Dry Hump Day

Happy Dry Hump Day yall

I got 2 awards yesterday.  Both from guys?  Dig that.  

1 from Oil Field Trash at  http://make-daddy-a-sammich.blogspot.com

and the other from

@Grocery_Dad  at  http://grocerydad.blogspot.com/

As usual I suck and fail and have a high rate at losing these things I will slap them up in the trophey case over at http://www.beingpeachy.com  Thanks guys, YOU ROCK.

Here's your Dry Hump Day Chuckles.

********************************

A man was sitting on the porch with his wife and he says "I love you."

She asks "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies,  "It's me.......talking to the beer."”

**************************************

*****************************************************************

Enjoy 

XO

PEACH OUT

I got some action yesterday

Yesterday I was sitting there reading this magazine article minding my own business and this hot guy walks in and sits down, we were alone in a tiny room.

He was hot.

I could tell he liked me, he barely made eye contact with me, but he struck up this intimate conversation, he wanted to know everything about me, and had a witty way about him, before you knew it I had put down my magazine. I spilled my guts and the conversation got very personal very quick.

Don't get me wrong I am happily married to the Droid and I don't go running around hap hazzardly flinging myself on men, it's  hard to contain this level of hotness on a daily basis but I do my best.  This guy was just so damn smooth.

Next thing I knew there he was looking me dead in the eyes, holding my hand, inches from my face. Can you say "awkward?"   

It didn't go any further than that.  However I did give him my name and phone number, I also agreed to see him again  in a couple weeks.   

The only thing that pisses me off about the entire thing was the co-pay.  I mean that just cheapens the relationship don't you think?  I couldn't figure out if I should call the girl who took my check his receptionist or a pimp?   I told Droid about it and he said next time I should go ahead and make him strip for me, so I get my money's worth.  

This is totally why our marriage works.

xo

PEACH OUT

Things I've learned along the way

There are a few life lessons to take into consideration. I will attempt to cover a few areas for you.  You Are welcome..

Career Hint: If you are working through accounting technical problems with Coca-Cola Inc, and you need to call them about it in the morning, do not write 'DEAL WITH COKE PROBLEM" on your Outlook calendar. It comes across badly to co-workers.

Marriage Hint: When your wife informs you that her period has begun, saying "Kinda figured" won't add to marital harmony. 

Educational Hint: When writing a paper for history, make sure you know who it’s supposed to be about. That A+ 3 page paper on Ben Franklin will get you an F if you were supposed to write about Thomas Jefferson.

Parenting Hint: If your son trips into the bowling lane you are playing in, do not run out to rescue him as fast as you can. The lanes are waxed.

Legal Fun Hint:  Wear a red polo and kahkis to Target, when customers ( or other employees)  talk to you speak  back in pig latin or just move your lips without making noise.  I checked, it's not illegal.

Go ahead guys, enjoy the ride, it's too short not to.

xoxo

PEACH OUT

What I don't blog about

Hello there, this is the VERY FIRST, of a New Feature on my blog.  If you look up, you will see.  "YOU WRITE HERE"  a page, that gives you, as a friend, follower, fellow blogger, non writer, an option.  An option to get it off your chest.  Step out of your box even if it's just some imaginary rules you have cornered yourself into.  Go read it, it will bring you right back here.  To a post by a very brave, very honest, very lovely woman who needed a place to write what she can't in other places.

xo

PEACHOUT

This writer wishes to remain anonymous 

Legal Disclaimer stuff: The views, thoughts, choices or opinions on this post are those of an author who wishes to have anonymity and not necessarily those of ThePeachy1 


I do not blog about work. The fear of being found out and the need to
go through entire archive. Or worse, the need to kill this, my life's
work. (I can hear you snicker. But sometimes it feels exactly like so
to me. Actually, I lied. It is not sometimes. It is always...)

I do not blog about my co-workers. Even though one of them causes a
lot of stress for me, and it would have been a great release for my
mental anguish to "talk" about it, I still desperately need his (and
everybody else and their uncle's) acceptance and approval. You wonder
how bad it is? How about this: My co-workers have managed to make me
feel ashamed of my PhD degree and therefore I stop bringing it up when
people ask me about my credentials. When I think about it, WTF. Srly.

I do not say much about my siblings and their families because they do
not speak the language in which I write this blog in and I feel it is
unfair to do so.

I do not talk about my friends in real life because well, I have none.
LOL. In fact, my really really good friends and friends that I feel I
can trust? I have told them about my blog. So far only TWO of them
actually read my blog. What does it say about me and my friends and
our relationships that when I repeatedly sent them emails wth the URL
to my blog, they do not even click on it? I assume they are busy. Or
that they are just not into reading stuff online. I get that and I
respect that. However, it does puzzle me that one friend particularly
seemed to go out of her way to ignore the words that came out of my
mouth, "I have a blog." Pause. She just ignored it, as if she did not
hear what I had just said, then carried on with our conversation.

I do not blog about "dirty laundries".

I do not blog about things I heard when inside my "cultural circle"
said by my people. I do not blog about how my  friends ask me
what Americans eat at home and make faces when I tell them what I make
for dinner if I am home early enough to make dinners. I do not blog
about how ridiculous I think it is that after being in this country
for decades that many of them still think that bread is not as filling
as rice and that sandwiches are exotic, unhealthy, food.

Because that would totally play to the stereotypes and undermine the "cause".

I do not blog about the happy moments in my life. Well, not too much
anyway. I use this blog as my therapy coach and when you are seeing
your shrink, what's the point if you are all happy and content? I see
my contribution to you all as the blog that does not make you feel
shit(tier) about your life and the woman who has more issues (or at
least, just as many).

I do not blog about how awesome I think I am. How gorgeous. How
charming. Because it really is 50-50. And I do come tumbling down from
the highs almost as soon as I declare myself to be perfect just the
way I am.

I do not blog about my in-laws. Again. In case one day THIS is found
out. More importantly, my husband reads my blog and he takes great
offense to any slight jab at his mother. I only wish my children put
me on a pedestal as such when they are older.

I do not blog about however hard I try, I cannot be convinced of the
concept of Immaculate Conception and Jesus Christ, and how I wonder
how any devout Christian can without irony and self-awareness make fun
of Scientologists. Just wait for a few hundred years, I sometimes
think, you never know.

I do not talk about how I worry for my children's attending religious
education because one of them seems to be especially susceptible to
authority figures and doctrines. I do not voice my concern because I
believe that THIS will be one of the things that create an irreparable
fissure in my marriage.

I also do not blog about how I sometimes wonder whether I should have
given this whole inter-faith thing much more thoughts before I said
yes. I did not realize that it would have become a point of discomfort
at least for me. Or about how I sometimes think WTF because it was not
made clear to me that he would have taken such a strong stance when it
comes to our children's religious upbringing even though he himself is
a twice-a-year-Catholic and making sure the kids attend Religious Ed,
Ash Wednesday, misc. special masses has somehow, ironically, become my
responsibility.

I do not blog how fortunate I am that my husband takes care of me and
helps out after all day of hard work. How I feel appreciated and loved
and protected. How I feel pampered because my husband buys me shit.
Because that would have been lying.

I do not blog about the ONE thing that causes strife and stress in our
family. Chores. Division of labor. I know I should. It would have
helped some other women out there who are also struggling with this,
to know that they are not alone. It would be an exercise in futility I
know that in my heart. Nothing is going to change. And I have learned
to live with it. I think. I did not however relinquish my right to
bitch.

I do not blog about how I cringe when reading posts about other
people's husbands. Where did they find them? "Model Husband
Warehouse"?

I do not blog about how for an itty bitty tiny moment I wish women who
brag about their husbands and their happy marriage ill and then very
quickly I am disgusted by myself. I have learned to simply skip those
posts and sometimes the entire blog.

I do not blog about the fights I've had with my husband even though I
feel that I should because I always wonder whether I am the only one
who's worried that it's all going to the dogs.

I do not blog about how I actually wonder whether it would have been
better with someone who has found "god" or a mountain man or a strong
but silent carpenter/plumber/handyman since they all seem so calm and
patient and I bet they don't yell at their wives.

I do not blog about how I am not sure whether this time would be the
last time I put up with the short fuse, the quick to anger, the lack
of patience. About how I devote 50% of my energy in preventing a
blow-up, making sure to phrase my questions and announcements of
household repair needs in the right way so we could solve the issues
rather than waste time on an argument over how my tone is picking a
fight.

I do not blog about how I can't call myself a feminist because I
simmer but I bite my tongue. I let "it" go whenever the 30-second
storm is over even though now it takes me an hour to get over having a
voice raised at me.

I do not blog about the fact I smirk behind his back even though I
manage to bite my tongue.

I do not blog about how I scream my retort back in silence inside my
head so loudly that I have a headache all the time when I bite my
tongut because I secretly think I am the more mature one in our
relationship.

I do not blog about all of this because I don't want people to think,
Oh, she puts up with this because she is, you know, from another culture, further
reinforcing the stereotype of submissive and subservient little women
that devote themselves to pleasing their husbands.

I do not blog about how I buy shit for myself as retaliation. Or,
actually, since I bring in a substantial amount of income, I am
entitled to buying shit for myself for no reason at all.

I do not blog about my sex life becasue in order to write about
something, you need to have it first.

I do not blog about how one night when I asked my husband how come we
don't do it like when we started dating and we had sex almost every
day and he said "Because we have each gained 40 lbs.", I turned around
and wept silently into the pillow.

I do not blog about how I have strangely come to terms with the idea
that I may never ... again [omitted for modesty]. Hello, right hand.
Actually, I don't even bother with that any more.

I do not blog about how I actually thought about joining some cult
that demands chastity: since I am not going to have any, I may as well
get a sainthood out of it, right?

I do not blog about how on some days stepping off the train track as
the train is barrling down to the station feels easier than carrying
on. Or how the lights from the oncoming traffic beckon at me like the
fire that lures the moth.

I do not blog about how the movie Sunshine Cleaning has banished those
thoughts from my head.

I do not blog about these. But I write about them inside my head. I
write out an entire post and then I squeeze my eyes tight to erase it.

When I open my eyes again, I forget how fucked up all this is and I
carry on my merry little ways.

Helpful Hints part 1

There are a few life lessons to take into consideration. I will attempt to cover a few areas for you.  You Are welcome..

Career Hint: If you are working through accounting technical problems with Coca-Cola Inc, and you need to call them about it in the morning, do not write 'DEAL WITH COKE PROBLEM" on your Outlook calendar. It comes across badly to co-workers.


Marriage Hint: When your wife informs you that her period has begun, saying "Kinda figured" won't add to marital harmony. 


Educational Hint: When writing a paper for history, make sure you know who it’s supposed to be about. That A+ 3 page paper on Ben Franklin will get you an F if you were supposed to write about Thomas Jefferson.


Parenting Hint: If your son trips into the bowling lane you are playing in, do not run out to rescue him as fast as you can. The lanes are waxed.


Legal Fun Hint:  Wear a red polo and kahkis to Target, when customers ( or other employees)  talk to you speak  back in pig latin or just move your lips without making noise.  I checked, it's not illegal.


If you have a helpful hint  please send it in this may just become a regular feature.




xoxo
PEACH OUT