Implied Meaning- ThePeachyPit-a-Pedia

It appears that what we have here is a 

failure to communicate.

Pulling my hair does not mean grabbing 1 strand or a fistful from the top of my head.

It is quite clear that often i have some words/terms or colloquialisms  that are either original, geographical or just plain misunderstood.  Most of the time There are other times that I just don't make sense to anyone but me and my 32 other personalities. 

A long while back on Being Peachy I released the first edition of the "Peachy to English Dictionary". Words terms and phrases I invented or that were invented by myself or my daughter or my daddy.  Or at least I thought they were. 

  

Over the last year I have continued to add to each category thus building this into something completely insane  that is surely a huge contribution to society as a whole and the very future of mankind. 

There are 3 main categories-   Definitions,  Phrases and then Implied Meaning ( which includes southern speak) In many of the below  I am a result on a google search and I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but the Leo in me says,  " obviously it's all good baby".  

Definitions-

Epic Asshattednes- Ok so I didn’t invent this even though I had thought I did, but I do rank third and fourth in it on google for a few months so I might has well have invented it.  { Update I think I pretty much eat up the entire first page?}

Muffin Man- I know you all heard it when you were kids but it did not mean what I mean by it, therefore even though I didn’t invent the term I invented this definition and if you don’t know what I am talking about that sucks for you  here is a link to that information. You’re Welcome invoice is in the mail.

WereDroid –  this is all my daughter, I call my husband the droid because he is very smart, and yet amazingly void of most human emotions and social interaction skills.  He is hairy and so she calls him the WereDroid.  The perfect combo of a hairy werewolf and a droid.

AssFaceShitard – although you may have heard of both parts of this term unless used properly and in combo like this well then you haven’t met one of these. I totally invented it.

Ambidextraphibion - A person who can go adjust the water with their feet while in the shower or bathtub.

Hippopotwatamus –  this is when a female ( usually) is such a huge twat that you are left speechless and or so full of angry you kick teddybear hamsters like hacky sacks.

Tyrannosaurusbitch-  this is exactly what it sounds like. A gianormus fossil bitch. Again with the daughter it was invented the same day I invented the Hippotwatamus during our brainstorm of new names to call people. Yeah we are that cool.  ( also see BitchasaurousRex)

HerpaGunaSyphillCraibs - the daughter again. Explaining to her younger brother what he would catch if he bonked the little scuzzbucket he was dating.  ( I am paraphrasing to clean it up a bit.) Break it down and figure out how many VD’s oh I am so sorry young people STD’s are in that word. Pure Genius.

BOB -  sure you think it’s some guy that works as a greeter at walmart, but everytime I see the name Bob on someones shirt I bust out laughing.  Why you ask.  Because my friend KM invented it about 13 years ago. Not only is it a palindrome but more importantly it’s a acronym .  Wait for it..  Battery Operated Buddy.  You will never see any Bob in the same light.

StudleyDooRight-  A hot sexy guy with manners and chivalry and all that “help the damsel in distress”  stuff.   Could be a helpful Muffin Man with morals.

DingesKhan -  This is a usually a male who is such a freaking huge moron that he gets named after history that he probably doesn’t know but with a sprinkling of Dingus in there.

ClosetBabe-  this is a guy or girl ( I am not judgmental about your preference)  is so cute/hot/smexy/adorable/smokin  that you want to take them home and chain them in your closet.  Like your favorite pair of Pj’s they are right there waiting happily for you when you want them.  Be careful not to confuse Muffin Men with ClosetBabes, totally different. You want the muffin man to leave, you want to chain and lick the closetbabe. However a cloestbabe could turn into a muffin man.

Jizz Gurggler-  not to be confused with the old and nearly antiquated cum guzzler the jizz gurgler , is in the same family/species,  but is not a guzzler, just a gurgler.

PHRASES

The IQ of a _________ ( below are the common things I fill in the blank with )

Carrot,  Blade of Grass, Frog shit on a log, Popsicle stick in a toilet, hamster wheel, soggy toilet paper roll, used tampon, bowl of unset jello,  fetus.

The personality of a _________ ( below are the common things I fill in the blank with )

toilet tank, litter box, hippo shit, enema, piece of carbon paper, someone I would stab with a rusty spoon,  poached egg,  stinky sock.

That person is such a ____________( below are the common things I fill in the blank with )

lyinflatfootedguttersnake,  smacktastic wench,  AppleII,  DickHeadimusMaximus, snorkelneedingpitypoolswimmer,  rectumblister,   cracketysmacketyhobag,  oralfacialpedomite,

IMPLIED MEANING- 

Douche-     do not need to use word bag or canoe or hat  because this is the simplified version and the other endings are implied.  example:

"every time I am around her I am like, "uh, your mans like a douche? " 

* Silent Stare* -  do not need to use the really?  wow?  ( in person)  because the silent stare is the simplified version of, " you need medical help"   or  " I can't speak right now as I am contemplating how you will die"

"Bunco" -  do not need to explain anything to your spouse, it is implied that this means you are going to bunco to get wasted,  it's understood,  this is the equivalent to guys poker night but with a lot more boobs and sex talk.

"medicinals" -  do not need to explain that you are not actually getting these from the drug store or dr,  it is implied they will come from a liquor store or still.  

UNDERSTANDING SOUTHERN SPEAK-

When presented with a photo or heaven forbid in person the view of friends daughter in a wedding dress and she looks like a wilder beast got caught in a white silk trap  you say,

  " beautiful dress"     NOT -  OMG is that your husbands child? or did you get impregnated by a yeti? 

When presented with an ugly baby ( and there are ugly babies)  you have many options but most used is the 1 spouse option.  Meaning if only 1 spouse is with the baby you say,

" aww  he/she/it  must look just like the mommy/daddy/missing spouse"    not  "aww  he/she/it must look just like if a goat and a tele-tubbie bread, sorry about that try again?"

When you are confronted with someone you can not stand/tolerate and wish ill you say,

" well bless your pea pickin heart"   not " I want to stab your stupid ass with a spork and push you in a vat of lemon juice filled with zombie sharks that have lazor beams on their head so they can track you and slice you and then flip you around like a volley ball."

*  do not confuse this with  Bless your heart"  which literally means OMG you are so screwed .

When something happens you always thought was not only possible but indeed probable yet the person involved seem shocked since they have been living in denial,  such as a neighbor tells you a local kid who was always a rotten little rat but since he played sports all his nasty deeds were over looked gets popped with 32 charges in the next town for doing the things your town has been letting him get away with and your entire town is shocked, you say-

"Well shut my mouth"  not  "I FUCKING TOLD YOU PEOPLE HE WAS A LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT FOR YEARS!"

Ok that's enough for now, if I give you too much too fast your brain will "pop like a tick" ( another southern saying, that makes me quite barfy).   Plus I want some Tator Nuts and they close in 30 minutes.

xo

PEACH OUT

Also this week I was honored to receive the "Stylish Blogger Award" from Sunny Sings the Blues and my Daughters Guest Post  here  at The Pits titled "Sam I am"  garnered the "LOL" award fromBran~Muffin.   Much thanks to both of them and the awards have been added to my award page  over at BeingPeachy ! Much Thanks Ladies.

also I hate it when this happens to me

If you're having Turkey..

If you hare having Turkey might I suggest you go ahead and buy that today.  There is of course a reason I say this, I don't just go throwing suggestions out all willy nilly.

 I always over cook for all holidays,  invite everyone, including strangers and military people I don't know who may be all alone. It's my thing. I have always done it. I never have less than 6 people but could have up to 25 or 30 any given holiday. Everyone is always welcome, it's a serious production and I cook for days to prepare.  But in 2004 I started having funky undiagnosed medical issues, in 2005 Hurricanes kicked our financial butt and we have been working hard  to recover but not quite making it.  In 2008 my daughter moved out for college in 2009 my son had moved out. I took both of these events really hard and they happened within 50 days of me founding out what my medical problems were, which was just not good news on any level.On top of all our family issues, one of my long time friends had just suffered a serious major medical issue and it was touch and go in ICU and I worried about her and her young family although I was helpless and heartbroken. To say the holiday mood just wasn't upon me would be an understatement.

No one else in the family ever cared if I had the  HUMONGO  event I always thought I needed, in fact they usually rolled their eyes and avoided me acting like I tortured them into being there.  Honestly it  was my own neurotic we HAVE to have a tradition mental status that drove it, and I just didn't have it in me last year.

The day before Thanksgiving my daughter shows up and  then my mom calls. OH holy bat turds. You mean I have to climb out of my pity party and pull this off again folks?  Also I need to do it on a budget of -42.57  well this is just already smelling of sparkly awesome.

I slipped off my proverbial pity party water wings and did some financial magic tricks. ( you know that proverbial money tree the husband and kids think you have, yeah it involved that.) Against my better judgement I bothered to get out of my pajamas and actually went to the store to buy a turkey.

There are a few problems with buying a turkey on the night before Thanksgiving.

#1- You know you will have issues thawing it

#2- There might be a limited selection

#3- combine 1 and 2 and you get holy craptastic bird day folks they only have hypothermic birds that a only second mortgage can purchase and they aren't available in any store located in my state.

so for your math people that's  1+2= your screwed. ( there may or may not be a test )

I finally at the 3rd store found a bird but it cost more than my vehicle. I kept looking,  store number 4 was a waste of time but I got a twix bar and mt dew  to  rejuvenate me in battle, because they were straight up out of double mocha latte Valium.  The 5th store I found a bird, although he was roughly frozen to the solidity state of a cannon ball he was less than the cost of a bionic arm so I bought him.  But not before I dropped him and actually cracked the tile on the supermarket floor.  Sorry about that unnamed store that was me.  Well actually it was your bird and therefore your bad.    I blame you since you should have had it somewhat thawed by Thanksgiving eve your a bunch of shatards and obviously deserve broken floor tile.

So by 6pm I am home with a bird that there is no hopes of thawing and cooking for 1pm feast in just 17 hours.   Panic + Vodka = Epiphany. ( that is math question number 2, well sort of, it's a word problem but it has math symbols so I guess it's higher math or something.)

I threw the bird in the hot tub and turned on the jets.  I sat and watched him spin head over nubby little would be feet and figured I would drain then bleach and possibly burn the hot tub afterwards.  See I have this aversion to poultry.  Kind of like my aversion to bugs.  If I see a bug I will go to any lengths to make sure it and anything it touched pays dearly. With poultry, I have to bleach repeatedly anything that could have touched it, or throw it away.

I wasn't sure if it would work. Would this sexy hunk of arctic poultry thaw. Would it reach a temperature that bred some bacteria that would send us all to the ICU with some funky butt explosion disease?  Was I going to run out of Vodka before this damn bird finished spinning missing head over butt ?

So the long and short.  It worked, the Turkey was tender, and juicy and yummy. In the culinary world it would have been described as very relaxed. But wouldn't you be after 5 hours in the hot tub?

It was cooked and served on time.  I was thankful that my family through all their years of faining eye rolls and acting like they hated my tradition actually wanted and expected it.  I was Thankful that I was physically capable of gathering and making Thanksgiving dinner.  I spent Thanksgiving bleaching the hot tub and being Thankful I had found a stinking turkey and had a hot tub to thaw the damn thing out in.  I also found it's spinning very hypnotizing, or it could have been the vodka, not sure.

So go forth and win the epic battle of Monday knowing your not alone in your journey of suck, you are in good company.  Me and my Local news.. Ok partially good company.

Peach Out...

Fire Crotch- revisited.

The setting:  my house, well over a decade ago.
The issue:  I had to wear pantyhose to work every day even in the sweltering heat. That weekend I had been on this mad hiking trip in 3782 degree weather with 700% humidity.  I think I wore jorts because it was the 90's and I was that cool.   To finish off my trilogy of terror the next day I went to a 50 acre water park and proudly sloshed my wet shorts over my bathing suit wearing sexy self over every inch of that hell pit.

As all  most of  you ladies who experience insane heat know there are 3 deadly things to avoid in extreme heat.


1-Long walks/hiking in the heat in jorts ( thigh length jean shorts).
2-Short walks in extreme heat wearing panty hose.
3- Wet shorts over your bathing suit at a huge water park after doing 1 or 2.

So you get the picture.  If you don't here is a visual aid. My thighs had less skin on them than your knuckles after a cheese grater incident.

"Thank you Walt Disney for lending me tinks butt as a visual aid."

Yes even the fold where your butt cheeks meets your thighs was red and skinless. (if you know not which fold I speak of, you're young show your but off while you can, soon you will be able to hold a pencil there). I know hot right?  You think I'm sexy, you want to kiss me.

I tried everything and let me tell you people soaking in a tub is like sitting in boric acid, not really a brilliant idea when you are in the chaffed thighs and butt hall of fame.

So I sat around the house in a sun dress going commando cause that's my privilege plus the idea of fabric even possibly touching my thighs made me scream in an octave high enough to break glass.

After about the 30th ibuprofen  chugged down with medicinal vodka. I went to the cupboard like old Mother Hubbard to dig for some type of glorious topical relief.

Then I saw THIS  and I heard Angels singing.

"I only saw the parts I underlined. Quick Fix - Relief . blah help. Angels singing"

I had never used this product and had no idea how it ended up in my cabinet. Clearly it was divine intervention.  or I bought it when  my kids had poison ivy/sumac/oak.


So I grabbed the tube of angelic cream that promised a quick fix, fast relief and all that jazz. 
probably because my judgement was impaired due to alcohol and or pain.
.

I slathered up my thighs and butt like I was putting on SPF Eleventy Kabillion for my trip to the surface of the sun.

Confident in my new found angelic cure I  walked into the living room and flopped my  sun dress wearing commando butt on the couch. The events that followed will be reenacted with interpretative dance since I am pretty sure I either blocked it out or blacked out not sure.

"Important information aka the beginning of the end.."

"Important information aka the beginning of the end.."

This seems like a good time for an important PSA

Sensitive girly parts + RAGING FIRE CREAM OF DEATH =  FIRE CROTCH

I call this one the flaming crotch of death."

]

"I realize that looks like a squid shot out of my crotch, but it's interpretative dance people, those are flames"

In the midst of the medicinal scalding of my lovely lady hump.  I thought fast and headed for the bathroom to rinse of my milkshake and stop the pain. I was so graceful and lady like I heard it looked like a ballet.



[

This ends the interpretive dance section of this post.  
( mostly because I suck at it )
.

The truth is. If you ever had a dog, or been at someones house with a dog, or seen a dog in a park or a neighbors yard.  You already know what I looked like.

"All reports say this is a more accurate depiction of my movements"

and I screamed .. " E ! E! E!" all the way home to the bathtub, where I flipped myself over the edge of the tub like a walrus and put my hoo hah as close to the ice cold running water as possible for a few hours

minutes.

There ya have it guys,  do NOT chemically scald your cooter today and there's a good chance your Week will be better than mine.  My name is ThePeachy1 and I suffer from Epic Asshattedness.

XO

PEACH  OUT !

** DISCLAIMER**  2 thighs and 1 Vaj were critically injured during in the making of this post. However they have recovered nicely since it was about a decade ago. They are still in therapy working out their hatred for me.

**ANOTHER DISCLAIMER** this is not a sponsored post, a review or anything other than a story of me being a twit. Obviously who would pay for advertising like that?"