I will cut a bitch

DON'T   TOUCH   MY   DAMN   PIE ! 

I make stellar deserts, cakes, chocolates, candies, cookies, pies.  I'm really awesome.  I make them for people who need a pick me up.  I make them for birthdays, favors and gifts.

Sometimes I make a cake or pie for no special reason other than the wonderful smell and the fact I know someone will smile when I offer them a piece ( or 2).

One of the best parts of making pies, is sharing them.  I love to share my pies.  I will share an entire pie, not even keeping a slice for myself.  It's easy for me to make a pie, maybe not so easy for them.

However.   I will not have anyone  break into my house and steal my pie or even a piece of it.  I will stab them with a batter beater, or shoot them with a deadly spit ball fired at lightening speed.  

Seriously,  I will make pies if I have ingredients and time and skill,  and I will give them to family, friends, strangers and give the whole pie or the last slice.  But don't fucking tell me who get's my pie.  

If you can see the logic behind the above Pie story.  I hope with all my heart you understand exactly what is happening in our country.

You work for the money to buy the ingredients,   you work to bake the pie, and then, in front of your face, a stranger will walk in and take then entire damn pie.

It could be a murderer or a drug dealer, or a construction worker turned rouge burglar since jobs are short, and frankly just walking in my house and taking the pie without permission is a helluva lot easier than  carrying a kabillion tons of shingles up and down a ladder in the blazing sun.  Stealing the pie so much easier.

So we change the law so that it's no longer illegal to break and enter if you are only burgling pies. Because honestly everyone,  everyone deserves a pie,  what kind of monster thinks that they deserve a pie and someone else doesn't?   My god think of the children who have no pie.  it's in the damn constitution,  equal pie for everyone.  ( except for the bitch who made it)...

I'm too tired to fight, and can't stand the constant going without once my pies are stolen.  It's hard work,  I mean it costs money for the ingredients so we have to work, and then I have to shop, oh how I hate walmart.  Then making and cooking the pie, and the dishes oi vay!  I hate dishes.   Plus I have been making all these pies and all these people are taking them since it's legal and they deserve pies so my family hasn't actually gotten to eat a pie in months.  It seems like everyone has pie all the time, except us, no matter how many I bake.

Eventually all the other pie makers will become unhappy that they forgot what pie tastes like even if they bake 15 a day...  So slowly, one by one..  We each stop making pies.

OMG it's so awesome.   Since we stopped making pies,  I have been able to walk in and just take a pie from a stranger.  It's so awesome, so easy, and costs nothing.   WHY THE HELL HAVE I BEEN BAKING ALL THESE PIES FOR YEARS..

I was so stupid, I will never make a pie again, making pies is for pie suckers !  hahahah.  suckers...

( I hope they don't all wise up and stop,  but they probably will, because they are evil and don't care about all of us that have a right to a pie...   but I'm sure the Government will make sure we all get out pies from somewhere,  and it won't cost anyone anything.

it's like pie- fucking- magic....   free pie fucking magic.

Awesome.  I'm sure this will work out just fine.

xoxo
PEACH OUT

Apocalypse How?

This was originally posted 2/2/11 by me, the artwork and concept is mine, yes it's sad that I am proud of this  Also, I really really hope I am right about this one.

A lot of people are freaking smooth out because of the Mayan Calendar.  So I used my Government Experience to come up with a more feasible explanation of what happened.











That's the  mystery behind they Mayan Calendar. Now you know.

.

XO

PEACH OUT

I thought of you...

You need to realize I have this INSANE freaking phobia about public restrooms. 

 Which is just ONE of the 3 million and three reasons I should not have been allowed to have children.  Those little screaming heckling crotch fruits ( Holly's word)  will have to go in EVERY SINGLE ONE you ever pass or come within 25 miles of and the dirtier the better.

So Friday  I had to do fasting blood work for Dr Kavorkian.  When I finally finished I ordered a double protein strawberry mango banana smoothie which is apparently smoothie talk for laxative.  ( TMI? shut up there's a reason).

I have to of course face my fears and go into a public restroom on the military base who apparently can march in order and shoot a  non existent WMD from 500 miles but CAN NOT hit a toilet.

So after I did the Lysol, germ ex, bleach, rubber gloves haz-mat suit pre-qualification requirements for me to go in there ( all of which I took from their store shelves)  I hovered like a military chanook and then I noticed it.

Pants around my knees wearing yellow rubber dish gloves,  breathing in a paper bag,  and trying to go to my mental happy place,  I thought of you. ( touched right?) 

I saw the item below, neatly, cleanly, and more important, sterile, hanging on the wall.

In one gianormous swoop of genius it all became clear ! 

If they had these in stores and malls and restaurants people could strap in their precious snowflake ( DNA muddle puddle spuddle, )  in a sound proof booth and go on about their business without subjecting me to their freaking loud brats adorable children, or their eddie bower Humvee strollers, or more importantly their nearly always infectious bundles of joy that are drooling, coughing, sneezing and shitting with every breath.

It looks like a hard plastic and therefore hose-able jump seat.  which leads me to believe they could be welded to the OUTSIDE of all commercial flights?

and somehow this all made me think of you,  you're welcome.

xo

PEACH OUT

* I dedicate this post to the person who hates blogs that aren't funny, post about poop, and posts about children, she totally knows who she is. That's all I got to say about that.

The Family Christmas Party

Come they told me, Barumbabumbum, to the party Barumbabumbum, we will have food for you Barumbabum,  the finest liquor for you Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum.

So I got dresssed up Barumbabumbum, we parked a van near their trucks Barumbabumbum, we smiled and hugged everyone Barumbabumbum, the food was good Lloyd ate 3 plates Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum

Then I had a drink Barumbabumbum, Then I had a drink Barumbabumbum,  Then I had 5 more Barumbabumbum, next thing I knew I was on the floor Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum.

We haven't opened the gifts they cried Barumbabumbum, I said I didn't get you any so it's fine Barumbabumbum  they screamed and cursed at me Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum

Lloyd drove me home Barumbabumbum, he had to stop 2 times Barumbabumbum, the cheap liquor left me Barumbabumbum,  when I passed out I had this dream Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum.

I was dating Optimus Prime Barumbabumbum, I asked him if he could be more Barumbabumbum,  like a washer with a non rusty front door, Barumbabumbum,  he got all screamy saying why you want to change me Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum

I was like because you are a transormer Barumbabumbum, do you ever have wierd dreams like this Barumbabumbum,  it could have been the dip Barumbabumbum, I am too old for this shit, Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum

when we got home I woke up fast, Barumbabumbum,  I promtply stumbled over  our stinking cat Barumbabumbum,   I fell into the tree lost my hat bruised my knee Barumbabumbum, I smashed a present but it was just a sweater, it will survive Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum Barumbabumbum

My family's pissed at me Barumbabumbum,  but that's the norm you see Barumbabumbum, I have to stop right now Barumbabumbum,  my head is pounding OOOW !  Barumbabumbum, Barumbabumbum, Barumbabumbum

and now.  My Favorite Christmas Carol for 2010. It's worth the 4 minutes because around 3:10 it gets insane !



yep, that pretty much sums up this year.

Happy, Merry, whatever this season means to you, TO You from me.

xoxo

PEACH OUT

Holiday Break ups are stupid

I am not sure about the Northern Ladies but all southern girls know that timing is everything.
Especially in relationships.

For example you never break up with your man within 1 month of your birthday, valentines day or the mother of all mothers,  The Christmas / New Years double whammy combo.


The below is an adaption by me of what recently took place scrolling across my wall as 2 of my friends did a very public break up, which made all of their friends sit back in disbelief of how non intelligent they both look doing this.  Actually they are both smart but apparently when you break up and do it publicly you can't help but look like a MONDO COSTCO sized idiot.  It simply had to be re-enacted.




You are welcome.  Have a good Monday.



xo
PEACH OUT

Smacktastic Spam

I get more spam than those cruise ship passengers on the Carnival Spamder.  I usually just hit the delete and I am lucky enough to be sleeping with the system administrator god of all geek for my ISP. ( its my husband and by sleep with I mean actually sleep with not anything more than that because really I am far too lazy for smexy time)

This weekend I was feeling a tad froggy because I spent a week attempting to kill my liver with nyquil liquid caps washed back with hot toddies.  ( click here for that story)

When I popped over to my blog email and found I had an amazing 123 emails waiting.
30% is random bullshit smack talk interaction with my blog buddies.
20% is actually people emailing for non advice, or a personal comment on my blogs they were too nervous to share
less than 1% is insane business  proposals that are legitimate although quite insane because I don't want my blog turned into a diaper and tampon pimping place.
greater than 49% is spam.
( I totally couldn't use the < and >  because I could NOT remember which meant what so damn it I am like Barbie this morning "math is hard"

anyway here's one that happened over the weekend when I was doped up on nyquil and sick of being sick.

FROM THEM TO ME-

Dear Sir,

My name is Diipak Gupta, and I am the CEO of iSilkRoute Software Technologies. I was just browsing your blog and was wondering if you had considered outsourcing blog management. Blogs need more maintenance than most would fathom and this is why you should consider outsourcing your Blog management to a professional.

It is very much possible to manage your blogs yourselves. But it become very much time consuming. Whether you blog individually or for a company, there is only one goal of a blog – To be more visitors. If you are not a social networking specialist you should understand that your lack of knowledge could very well harm your blog. Getting visitors can be easy in case you can handle SEO (to get search engine traffic) and internet marketing (social media tools). Also you need to update your website quite often. Blogs demand constant upgrading not only weekly but on a daily basis. Updating your blogs can aid with the expansion of your website as well as internet users being able to find your website more easily through search rankings within the major search engines. This can be very stressful to maintain on your own.

A virtual assistant can aid with increasing the time spent with your family while giving you peace of mind that things are getting done in the office. By outsourcing your social media marketing, you do not have to invest in time and money for learning the tools and technologies involved in marketing your business in social media. Outsourcing social media to a knowledgeable company means that they will handle the ins and outs of the different social networks in terms of selecting the ones that will be best for you, finding the right contacts, spreading your message, and monitoring your brand using the various tools that are available.

You just need to provide creative inputs and may invest time in directing the efforts of virtual assistant. Since most of the social media activities that you outsource will be public knowledge, it will be easy for you to observe what we are doing and see how it benefits your company. Also, this does not cost much, you can hire a virtual assistant at $5 per hour. No upfront investment is required and you can test the system out before actually incorporating it into your long term strategy.

What kinds of blogs can be outsourced?

Here are a few examples of "outsourceable" blogs:
•    Blogs that aggregate daily/weekly news
•    Blogs that review gadgets, books, movies
•    Blogs that complement a website
•    Blogs that analyze trends
•    Niche blogs such as health content, tech advice, parenting tips etc

We, at iSilkRoute Software Technologies, propose to explore the opportunity with you as a technology partner by providing you eLearning platform. We intend to meet your current and future requirements. If you are already associated with us, request you to please ignore this mail.

We are looking forward to establish long term association with you. Please feel free to contact us on numbers below.

Yours Sincerely

TEAM ISILKROUTE
DELHI, INDIA

. 

FROM ME TO THEM

Dear Non Gender Specific Team;

          Thank you for your email.   I have to say I am very impressed.   First you identify me as a "sir" even though all my websites and writing and photos clearly show that I am a female and you said you checked me out.  Is it because I had my mustache waxed prior to my photo shoots that's confusing you?  If I had more hair on my face would you think I was indeed woman?  It's probably the lipstick and eye liner that's making you think I am a "Sir".    My fault.  But I have total proof I am of the female persuasion  however in order for me to prove it I will need at least 2 of the credit cards you have on file along with the DOB and social security numbers of the people named on those cards.  I must be able to verify you are indeed actual people and over the legal age of 21 prior to sending any visual proof.  Sorry we have these crazy ass laws in the United States that make it that way so send that in.   

          After that I will probably go ahead and hire you even though you want to be hired to be an editor of my blogs and you actually have worse technical writing than I do.  That is indeed shocking.  Not to mention you can't throw around southern colloquialisms  and chances are we will disagree politically and all that jazz. I am totally willing to over look all this because today is my day and in turn it's your day.

        In an unimaginable stroke of luck I was just contacted by a very very rich widow in your country and she needs MY help.  She is willing to compensate me with boatloads of cash once I send her my banking information and I will be rolling in the dough and will want to hire someone like you.

       I have a counter proposal.  I would like to just cut out the middle man.  Me.  You go ahead and help this rich widow chick by sending her your banking info.  Then consider yourself paid by me and go ahead and work for me forever.  Obviously you will be over paid because you can't possibly charge that much to manage and edit 5 blogs  in poor English I do it for next to nothing.  The overpayment I am offering comes with strings attached.  Here are the additional services I require.

      I need a maid, in fact give me two.  I also need a chaffer, a butler, a chef, a pasty chef, a bartender.  A genius and manly manny for my kid would be nice also.  Then I need a masseur,  a personal assistant, a secretary and receptionist.  A couple landscapers and a pool boy will also be needed.  I think the would balance out the ratio of men and women under our employee not just pleasing me but also my husband.  They need to all be highly intelligent, and extremely good looking, that's probably more important.   As much as they are going to be paid by me giving you that widows money I would like my own set of Doctors too.  It will be so nice to have them on staff instead of having to go and see them because all my Doctors here already have names like yours so I am sure you will have no problems finding a team of specialists to work for me.  This still leaves me with a massive over payment according to the widows email so here's what I am thinking.   I really like that Ballywood Dance stuff.  So if you could send me a team of Dancers that have one or two routines for me to watch a week that would be awesome.  After all this just keep the rest for a tip.  Wait, I have a crappy minivan so go ahead and buy me a couple awesome vehicles like a Rolls Royce and Jaguar, have your people fly over with them and handle all that customs crap.  Don't argue you work for me now. Please warn my staff I will be changing all of their names to things like  "Jeeves"  and "  Consulia "  because I can.  No one really believes you guys names are John and Peggy anyway so lets go a little  more " staffy" here .

    If I find out I need more help I will let you know, but for now this sounds like a pretty good deal for you, I am super nice like that.  So just go ahead and send me the needed info and I will start this ball rolling.

Thanks,

ThePeachy1

I am shocked they haven't gotten back with me, they are probably working out the financial stuff and interviewing my new staff.  It could take a while.

xo

PEACH OUT

Tuesday 4 Trevor

Today as you are making plans for Thanksgiving I need to borrow a second of your time.

Whether you are cringing at  bouncing from the thought of seeing all of the Holiday people I hope we might all take a second to put ourselves in these shoes.

There's a cool little guy named Trevor and here's the story.

If you read nothing else I write or nothing else anywhere today please take the time to read this.  Due to extremely grave circumstance with a friend of mine last year 2 states away I met a lovely lady named Heather via facebook but never in real life.  She worked with the husband of my friend, and reached out to him, his work, and my friends 3 children she had never met.  She is not a blogger but I can vouch for the year I have known her on FB that she is certainly an exceptional, human being.  She went above and beyond time and time again to go out of her way to help the family even though she had never met my friend or the kids.

Now in a horrible twist of fate I bring you Trevors story via his loving cousin Heather.

****************************

“My 12 year old cousin, Trevor B, is going to be having heart surgery on Nov 30^that UAB.  He began having issues last year while playing baseball and it was discovered that he has hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy .  It is  a very scary procedure and there is a chance that he will not make it.  If he does make it through the surgery he will be dealing with this for the rest of his life.

“Trevor will be in the hospital for quite some time (ICU for at least 7 days and another 7 days in a regular room at minimum).  I am getting up a care package for my cousin (Todd B) and Trevor’s mom (Terra).  I wanted to reach out to you guys first to ask that you pray for Trevor and his family in the coming weeks”

********************************************************

Ok people this means a 13 ( birthday)  year old boy whose adventure in this world  is just beginning is not only stuck in ICU isolated, far from home, loved ones and team mates but he is facing a life that will pretty much remove his love of participating in sports.

We know this world can suck, and bad things happen to good people and children become ill every day.  It’s not right it’s not fair, but there is nothing we can do about it usually.

This time you can.  I am asking, actually begging for you to send Trevor a card, if you have little kids let them make Trevor a card. If you can get your local High School Football, baseball or basket ball team to send a group card or picture with their autographs( which makes high schoolers feel super cool)  EVEN better.  If you have age appropriate books you are looking to get rid of,  or happen to know someone who is an athlete that would ROCK.

I fully understand that right now the economy is in the trash and a lot of people are living paycheck to paycheck. I would NEVER ask  anyone to do without to donate to someone they haven’t met.  But I do ask that if you can, even $1  would make a difference.  His parents costs to be near him 24/7 are approaching $1500 a week, and the type of parents Trevor has are a blessing because they are THOSE type of parents that wouldn’t leave little guy alone even if it met sleeping in the bushes to do it.

I have 380+  Twitter Followers,   1290 Face Book Friends,  and between the 2 blogs I am guessing around 500 visitors a week.  If each one of you sends just $1  and just 1/2 of you send a card. Imagine the support and love Trevor and his family would receive.  I have watched the internet and social media do so much good for so many people.

If you can’t swing a card, a minimal donation or a small token, I understand, if this is your case I ask you to get with your higher power whatever it is, and send good thoughts to Trevor.  If you can think of him during your Thanksgiving supper and send out a silent thought that’s fine, it will make a difference.

I have never met Trevor. Clearly that is my loss, the more I learn the more I find out what an awesome little guy he is.

Mail everything to  his Cousin, Heather, she will be handling the mail and taking bundles over. I say bundles because I am optimistic that social media will indeed come through.  I am not a power blogger or a famous person.  I am just a chick thankful she was able to enjoy her youth and make huge mistakes and live on the edge, who turned into a Mom even more thankful, it’s not my 3 kids in there, with my world on it’s head scrambling as my heart breaks to let my child know he is loved and does matter and so many people care.

If you can donate anything even $1.00 like I said before it will be so appreciated by those that know and love him and of course by me more than you will ever know.

Last year my little Prince was 8,  he told me to use the money I saved up for his Christmas to go help my friend.  He said he had his mom and dad for Christmas my friends kids didn’t.  This year he wants to pay it forward to Trevor.  Yes my 9 year old informed me today even though he only asked for 2 things for Christmas to either give them the money I would have spent on one of those or to send the gift to Trevor.   I spend every day in awe of my Prince who 10 Dr’s said would probably never survive, who was supposed to stay in NICU for months on end, who shows more compassion, understanding and humanity than most adults I have ever met.

If you are a blogger and willing to participate in a blog post for Trevor please let me know via email  beingpeachy@gmail.com

*********************************************

You can click on the paypal secure link below to do a donation to help with costs associated with Trevors hospitalization.

From the bottom of my heart I thank you for reading along and hope you are moved to reach out with whatever you are comfortable doing.

xo

PEACH OUT

If you can help financially this is the PayPal that has been set up to help.

.

 

To send cards, photos and other great ideas to

TREAVOR

c/o  Heather Hendrix

942 Lee Road 374

Valley AL 36854

Thanks again. You people are  AWESOME !!!

4 Trevor !!!!!!!!!!!

I will have a page 4 Trevor will stay on my site until the new year, please link to it or copy it or tweet/share/ whatever lets get the word out and make a difference. Click here to get the link to the permanent  page

If you're having Turkey..

If you hare having Turkey might I suggest you go ahead and buy that today.  There is of course a reason I say this, I don't just go throwing suggestions out all willy nilly.

 I always over cook for all holidays,  invite everyone, including strangers and military people I don't know who may be all alone. It's my thing. I have always done it. I never have less than 6 people but could have up to 25 or 30 any given holiday. Everyone is always welcome, it's a serious production and I cook for days to prepare.  But in 2004 I started having funky undiagnosed medical issues, in 2005 Hurricanes kicked our financial butt and we have been working hard  to recover but not quite making it.  In 2008 my daughter moved out for college in 2009 my son had moved out. I took both of these events really hard and they happened within 50 days of me founding out what my medical problems were, which was just not good news on any level.On top of all our family issues, one of my long time friends had just suffered a serious major medical issue and it was touch and go in ICU and I worried about her and her young family although I was helpless and heartbroken. To say the holiday mood just wasn't upon me would be an understatement.

No one else in the family ever cared if I had the  HUMONGO  event I always thought I needed, in fact they usually rolled their eyes and avoided me acting like I tortured them into being there.  Honestly it  was my own neurotic we HAVE to have a tradition mental status that drove it, and I just didn't have it in me last year.

The day before Thanksgiving my daughter shows up and  then my mom calls. OH holy bat turds. You mean I have to climb out of my pity party and pull this off again folks?  Also I need to do it on a budget of -42.57  well this is just already smelling of sparkly awesome.

I slipped off my proverbial pity party water wings and did some financial magic tricks. ( you know that proverbial money tree the husband and kids think you have, yeah it involved that.) Against my better judgement I bothered to get out of my pajamas and actually went to the store to buy a turkey.

There are a few problems with buying a turkey on the night before Thanksgiving.

#1- You know you will have issues thawing it

#2- There might be a limited selection

#3- combine 1 and 2 and you get holy craptastic bird day folks they only have hypothermic birds that a only second mortgage can purchase and they aren't available in any store located in my state.

so for your math people that's  1+2= your screwed. ( there may or may not be a test )

I finally at the 3rd store found a bird but it cost more than my vehicle. I kept looking,  store number 4 was a waste of time but I got a twix bar and mt dew  to  rejuvenate me in battle, because they were straight up out of double mocha latte Valium.  The 5th store I found a bird, although he was roughly frozen to the solidity state of a cannon ball he was less than the cost of a bionic arm so I bought him.  But not before I dropped him and actually cracked the tile on the supermarket floor.  Sorry about that unnamed store that was me.  Well actually it was your bird and therefore your bad.    I blame you since you should have had it somewhat thawed by Thanksgiving eve your a bunch of shatards and obviously deserve broken floor tile.

So by 6pm I am home with a bird that there is no hopes of thawing and cooking for 1pm feast in just 17 hours.   Panic + Vodka = Epiphany. ( that is math question number 2, well sort of, it's a word problem but it has math symbols so I guess it's higher math or something.)

I threw the bird in the hot tub and turned on the jets.  I sat and watched him spin head over nubby little would be feet and figured I would drain then bleach and possibly burn the hot tub afterwards.  See I have this aversion to poultry.  Kind of like my aversion to bugs.  If I see a bug I will go to any lengths to make sure it and anything it touched pays dearly. With poultry, I have to bleach repeatedly anything that could have touched it, or throw it away.

I wasn't sure if it would work. Would this sexy hunk of arctic poultry thaw. Would it reach a temperature that bred some bacteria that would send us all to the ICU with some funky butt explosion disease?  Was I going to run out of Vodka before this damn bird finished spinning missing head over butt ?

So the long and short.  It worked, the Turkey was tender, and juicy and yummy. In the culinary world it would have been described as very relaxed. But wouldn't you be after 5 hours in the hot tub?

It was cooked and served on time.  I was thankful that my family through all their years of faining eye rolls and acting like they hated my tradition actually wanted and expected it.  I was Thankful that I was physically capable of gathering and making Thanksgiving dinner.  I spent Thanksgiving bleaching the hot tub and being Thankful I had found a stinking turkey and had a hot tub to thaw the damn thing out in.  I also found it's spinning very hypnotizing, or it could have been the vodka, not sure.

So go forth and win the epic battle of Monday knowing your not alone in your journey of suck, you are in good company.  Me and my Local news.. Ok partially good company.

Peach Out...

A Peachy PSA

Peachy Public Service Announcements 

Every once in a while I use my imaginary fame and rarely visited high traffic blogs  to send out very important Public Service Announcements.  This one is very near and dear to my heart.  It was sent to me in an email by a dear friend and is probably one of the most important emails I have every received.  Please  if you are not lady, you probably know a lady, so you should read this and take it to heart also.

Important Women's Health Issue:

 

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

* Do you suffer from shyness?

* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or

pharmacist about Margaritas.

 

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident

about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of

your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing

to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas

almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can

overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want

to live.

 

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will

discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start

living, with Margaritas.

 

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or

nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind

nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

 

Side effects may include:

- Dizziness

- Nausea

- Vomiting

- Incarceration

- Erotic lustfulness

- Loss of motor control

- Loss of clothing

- Loss of money

- Loss of virginity

- Table dancing

- Headache

- Dehydration

- Dry mouth

- And a desire to sing Karaoke

 

WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering

when you are not.

* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over

and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

 

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.

I have to go take care of my health now.  

xoxo

PEACH OUT

An island

I wrote my posts in time for all my deadlines.  I had them all saved for the differant places I write.
I set them up to be auto mailed so I could actually sleep.  I woke up to find out.

NO FLIPPING INTERNET

A neato side note is that my house phone is through my internet.
Second neato side note- my cell phone doesn't get reception in my house.

So  I woke up an island. 

None of my articles got sent out which means my internet went out prior to 4am.  I couldn't call to apologize because I had no phone.

I walked out about 50 feet from my house in my Pj's and sent a simple text.

"No internet"

I sent it to 50 people and walked inside because honestly who needs to stay out in the yard in their PJ's to get yelled out via text messages.

So around 730pm we got a connection that is slightly less spectacular than dial up. But it allowed me to tweet, update my facebook, put up a post on each of my blogs and send off the other articles even though they are roughly 13 hours past deadline.

Monday,  there is a special part of my fat freckled ass for you to kiss.  

I ain't your Average Bear Boo Boo

I love Yogi and Boo Boo, I just want to pick up a pic a nic basket now.  Filled with yummy stuff like potato salad, and ham and a pie.  I love food, either I am a pig or a Bear, I guess that depends on the time of day and if you piss me off or not.

My kids seriously pissed me off all the time,  but usually not on the same day. Because no one needs me to lose what little is left of my mind.

So you can imagine how the shit rained down  on their collective parade  when they BOTH got in trouble at school on the same day.

After the school meetings and such I set forth to make them hate me. To realize that psychological warfare was not invented by the Government, but instead in the real trenches, where your momma does indeed wear combat boots.

For dinner they got liver, cauliflower, whole wheat bread and tonic water.  Now I realize some of you may be going OMG YUM!  To you I say WTH  are you serious that shit is totally nasty. It's like organs with a side dish of coagulated zit.  Lucky for me. My kids feel the same way. Which made it AWESOME.

not Yum just uhm and eww.

But I wasn't going to eat that crap, I didn't get in trouble at work that day, which is part of the reason I ordered pizza to be followed by an ice cream sundae social  and Soft Drinks for me and their Dad.  Why?  Isn't it clear folks. I am an evil witch.

We ate it all  making yum yum moaning noises in front of the kids who sat there crying and pissed with their ubber disgusting meal.  

Pouting, attitude, tears, and finally one of them screamed, " I am going to turn you in, this is child abuse".

That was the pivotal moment that brought them a new speech and a new understanding.

I began with, "  really?  the law says I have to feed you,  the meal in front of you is not only food, but very nutritious, I find it hard for this to be child abuse in the eyes of the law."

The blank stares back from my children alerted me that I had their full attention.

So I then explained they owned nothing,  not the shoes, the clothes, the books, the toys or even their bedrooms.  Those were all mine, but I was generous enough to let them "use" my things.

I also reminded them the law only says you have to be clothed, it does not specify that it has to be name brand totally awesome and in fashion.  That they could indeed go to school in flower print and plaid overalls with hand me down shirts saying things like " I love figure skating"  or "my parents love me".

By this point I had their attention, and my point had gotten through quite nicely.   For the next 13 years I had no debate, no discussion and definitely no more days that they both had a call from the school.

Yep that's how I roll,  also see, " more reasons I wont ever get mother of the year" 

Go out and enjoy your weekend, be safe and laugh often.

xoxo

PEACH OUT

I had to stop dancing Naked

First you must know that my daughter is awesome, responsible, brilliant and she farts glitter.  She had her first 2 years of college near our home on scholarship, once she got her AS  she had to move a few hours away on her own to attend the University of which she pays for by herself.  (Thank you douchebag grant and scholarship people I hope the people you give the free education to actually use for something other than a meth lab)


In August 2009, she had just left home, spreading her confident wings when  less than a week and sent me an email detailing her daily struggles in a new town.  The end of it surprised me because she said,
 " Pray for me that I don’t get lost, I don’t get rained out, I make new friends, and that I get to Applebee’s on time and DON’T lock my keys in my car!

I love you and I can’t wait to see you this weekend.

Sam"

Sam's not a super religious person but clearly the compounding stress drove her to this request and I could tell she was homesick and a bundle of nerves.  At this point most mom's would have said something inspirational, motivational and loving.  I am not most mom's and the response I gave her is probably one of the reasons I will never be mother of the year.

Dearest Samantha,

 

    In accordance with your written formal request for prayer ( which dumbfounded me)  I immediately began the prayer procedure of my choice due to the fact you failed to outline the type of religion or diety rules.  Therefore the official minutes of the prayer meeting are enclosed as follows:

 

1-  the nekkie dancing under the moon with candles and flowers began at precisly 11am,

2- the wood nymphs watched in horror at my wiggidy whack dance moves for aproximately 15 minutes

3- around 1115 the majoritey (2/3rds) of the wood nymphs began puking

4-those wood nymphs who were not puking joined in my prayer dance

5- by midnight, the woods surrounding our house were sufficiantly cleared of those wildlife without a previous visual impairment.

6- by 1245am, the police showed up in haz mat gear saying they were responding to a suicide call from a racoon who was obviously driven to the state of madness from watching my fat ass jiggle around nekkie in the yard attempting to summons good tidings to you from the gods.

7- by 1am I was served with official legal notice from law enforcement to cease and dessist all nekkie dancing.

8- by 130am a judge came to the house after being woken up by the police chief due to an immediate danger to all citizens.

9- by 2am I was officially charge with animal cruelty and terrorist activites via my nudity and jiggling.

10-at 210am I entered a plea to a lesser charge and made an oath to never dance nekkie under the moon again for any reason.

11- by 230 all paperwork was notarized and filed in triplicate form, with the county clerks office, and 2 drunk wood nymphs were my witness.

12- at aproximately 305am I asked your father to summons his indian ancestors via a tribal dance

13- by 308 your father had fallen in one of the massive holes in our yard and twisted his ankle

13-b-  he landed in a pile of wood nymph puke

14- smelling like wood nymph puke and being injured, 3 drunk wood nymphs then violated your father in ways too illicet for me to speak of.

15- I beat the wood nymps off and out of your father using my bra as a sling shot and dante turds from the dirty kitty litter box as amo.

16- by 319am the wood nymphs were defeated by my ample supply of amo

17- at 325am I applied neosporin to your fathers wood nymph love bites and put him to bed

18- at 350am I placed my slingshot/bra in the washer

19- at 355am the police returned as they had a report from a pissed off armadillo that there was a domestic disturbance and possible sexual assult at this address.

20- by 415 am I had sucessfully bamboozeled the police into believe you dad is just a kinky dude and we were having fun.

21- at 420 am I quietly lit candles for you.

22- at 430 am I slipped into the tub to relax and meditate for good vibes for you.

23- at 440am I began to smell smoke

24- at 445am I began to worry about the smell of smoke

25- at 450 I convinced myself I should get out of the tub and do something about the smell of smoke

26- at 5am I came out to the family room to find ferries smoking a big fattie

27- at 510am I got out the cheetos, mt dew, recees cups and bong, and joined the ferries

28- around aproximately 530am me and the ferries got into a heavy discussion about politics and religion we were in strong disagreance but to stoked to fight

29- by 6am I thought the ferries should leave since alex would be up soon for school

30- at 610am I was escorting the ferries out a couple of wood nymphs saw me with the ferries and a big woodland mythical species gang style war broke out

31- at 620am the sun came up and all the mayham and lifeless bodies that were causalites of the woodland war just disappeared making little "poof" noises

32- at 630am alex woke up and I told him to help me pray your day would go good.

he blew out the candles, bowed his head and said, dear god, please keep my sissy safe and happy today in everything she needs,  and oh yeah, tell my mom to keep her bong in her closet.

33- I am promoting alex to the king of the prayer request club.

 

 

Hope everything is AWESOME FOR YOU MY DEAR....

 

I love you

mom

So I ask you my friends is it any wonder she changed her major to Abnormal Psychology?  She get's her bachelors in May.  I intend on keeping her busy with family stuff.

XO

PEACH OUT

* disclaimer*  I do not now, nor have ever owned a bong. Nor was my husband violated by fictional creatures.  Because if he was it would totally be on you-tube.

In Your Face International Trade !

Are you kidding me?   Everything I own is made in Tiwan or China.  I went to purchase an American Flag and guess what it was too.  So what does America produce anymore?  Is anything actually MADE here.




I just feel like we don't make anything anymore yet we have some of the highest standards in the world.

I was so upset over this epiphany that I loaded up my family and went to the authentic Chinese Buffet.

They don't speak English, but they smile and their food is so good ( No MSG)  and priced just right.  At the end of the meal our waitress brought us our Fortune Cookies.   We always laugh and say who should have gotten which fortune cookie.  Then as I grabbed up the little plastic wrapper I saw this.

WONTON FOOD INC. 220-222 Moore Street Brooklyn, NY 11206

Hell yeah !  Take that international Trade !  Boo Ya ! The fortune cookies at the Authentic Chinese restaurant were ....

MADE IN THE USA

XO

PEACH OUT

My heart is filled with sorrow

At one point in the 80's there was this soulful sound that came out of my crappy car speakers that  paired quite nicely with making out while drunk on cheap booze with strange dudes.  His name was Michael Bolton.  He could sing with sexy voice.  Your panties would almost fly off. Almost.  But then you would envision him and they would staple themselves to your body like your socks and force you to get home way before curfew.

Now all these years later my soul weeps, for Michael Bolton. 

If there is any justice in this universe tonight Michele Bolton will go home, go to bed, and wake up with amnesia. The world will just pretend it never happened. We will just all be polite and not mention it. He will forget that he was ever absolutely humiliated on Dancing with the stars.

He will forget that he crawled out of a dog house, that he chewed on a dog bone, that he made Frankenstein look like a smooth operator.


This man that crooned such soulful panty flinging tunes, has less mojo than a stick man drawn from poo.  Poor Michael. I hope the universe lets you have amnesia and if there is any justice you will also wake up with some more hair.
Sorry man.

xo
Peach Out

  The past 5 days of my life have been such an outrageous roller coaster I could sell tickets and mouse ears.

I am so tired y'all that it seems like I am living in a musical. 

So if "SweeneyTodd" was being chased by the " Phantom of the Opera" in downtown "Chicago" and bumped into "Billy Elliot" who was holding some "CATS" with long "Hair" then cut a quick left and dodged into the  "Moulin Rouge"  so they could blend in by dancing to a "Fiddler on the Roof" and enjoying a reheated plate of "Spam"(a lot)  it would be a " Wicked " situation.


But I am not in Broadway, because that's far too cool and cultured for me. (By cultured I mean the last time I went to Broadway a homeless women beat me with her cane for standing in the doorway that was apparently her home.)


To my friends who have spent the last 5 days, listening to the drama, been there, stood back, jumped in, been subjected to and put up with,  this UTTER FREAKING insanity that consumed my life these past few days.

I can only say, in from the most sincere place in my heart. Thank you.


xo
PEACH OUT

why I want to win

http://www.babble.com/mom/work-family/top-50-twitter-moms-nominate-favorites/index.aspx

10 Reasons I want to win this contest
( and by win I totally mean anything above placing  250th out of 252 entries)
                                            

1. When they did the editors top 50 pick, there were some monumental people on there.  People who have been on Opra, Today Show, GMA, Martha Stewart, and The View.  I sat in awe thinking damn I will never been in a group of people like that.  All in all it's probably a good thing I wasn't on that " super star I shit skittles" editors pick list.  Then I thought shit, if I was, my shirt would pop open, pantyhose would run, contact would fall out and I would trip getting to the set.   I fall a LOT, it's never pretty. Gum would fly out of my mouth and get stuck in the hair of the news person interviewing me or my satalitte connection would be so bad I would have that dreaded dead air of doom shit going on. Also I don't kiss ass well, so chances are I would call someone a stupid shitard with the personality depth of a eye dropper. There would also be a greater than zero probability of a wardrobe malfunction that would make Janet Jackson's incident look like something off the wiggles.

2- Then late Thursday Afternoon I found out I had been nominated for the Peoples Choice version of the top 50.  By Holly at MidWesternMamah.  I was ranked 138 but still honored there were around 185 nominees.  Without realizing I only had 1 vote a day I voted for someone other than myself. Why?  Because they are a better writer.  But within 4 hours I moved into the top 30.  


3- This is the top 50 Moms on Twitter-  but there are a couple dudes ahead of me. ( although I love their blogs and tweets) . They do not now nor ever have been is possession of a Uterus and are not to my knowledge a "Mom" ( even though they are pretty kick ass Dads), so that's kind of a kick in the throat, considering I get PMS, cramps, and had 3 kids which kind of means I am indeed a "MOM". Including the 58 days I laid in the hospital in labor with a pump in my leg and my stomach looking like a Randall McNally road map from all the scars. I don't mind, other than it's a 50 awesome MOMS of Twitter contest, and I am pretty sure they are implying you should indeed leave the penis at the door and know the drama of a breast pump or tampon. Kind of embarrassing to all us actual MOMs to get our child birthing asses handed to us by a dude.

4- You know how every year at homecoming there are the 4 super popular girls that win everything and they are shoe ins for Home Comming Court. Then out of the blue pops the one that represents the majority, the average chick, aka the sacrificial lamb put forth to triumph forever in the halls of average people shame or fame.  That's me.  I am You, the every girl. No fame. No Pride just me. Honestly I would pick the hall of fame instead of Hall of Shame so please vote for me.

5- Every day I plunk out a minimum of 2 blogs,  1- BeingPeachy the cheery side ( where my server crashed today, perfect fucking timing thank you. ) and 2- The Pits the down to earth and possibly NSFW side( where you are at right this second).  I guest post a couple times a month when asked by other bloggers, and always try to support the newer people, because well, that's how I roll. Some people write 1 article a week and tweet it over and over, and fb post it over and over, and you wonder.  "Self, are they writing somewhere else or did they forget their log in passwords to admin".  On the same token I am a big fan of quality -vs- quantity, especially when it comes to twitter followers.  But I always try to bring it in almost every post.

6-I seriously need an auto glass repair/replacement sponsor. I am willing to pretty much pimp myself and my blogs  out like a $5 crackwhore to get my minivans windshield repaired after the #kayakincident  that happened at the end of the #infamouscampingtripof2010.  ( click here if you need more info). ( but you can't click there because my friggin server is down right now) I can only think being near the top kabillion in this contest may be something I could put on the table with a marketing person thus giving me a fighting chance to at least get a tube of super glue. ( but probably not since my freaking server is down)

7- Y'all, I am just a dork, in yoga pants that are a size too small, with a pony tail, sitting in front of her broken and duct taped lap top, FREAKING BEGGING asking you to vote for her.

8-Me placing well would be a multi cultural victory sort of like if Benetton made a come back.  I am a redhead of scottish, irish, spanish and blackfoot Indian decent. Born in Thailand, and married a Choctaw/Cherokee indian and between us we produced blonde haired blue eyed children. For shit sakes yall I should just change my name to America because I am a genetic melting pot.

9-I don't use 4 square,  shred heads, couch to 5k or blip fm on my twitter.  This fact alone should catapault me into the top 25 because if people use these things no matter how much I love them. I don't care that they have the most check ins at Yougart Kingdom or they ran 3 miles that day and it felt great.   Honestly do I tweet lazyboy2potty posts?  No.  If I tweet that I ran, you can bet there was a fire, a sale or a police chase, otherwise I am not running and definitely not tweeting it. I also don't flood twitter with out of focus pictures of my dog, yard, a random snail or a fucking sunflower. Seriously people all sunflowers look alike, however all babies don't. Just saying.

10- Dear Mr. Babble 50-, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Friday in voting for @IamThePeachy1 for whatever it was we did that brought us here. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...and an athlete...and a basket case..a princess...and a criminal.Does this make you want to vote? Sincerely yours, the Peachy1.



So that's it,  I didn't pull a pity card, I didn't name drop and I didn't offer odd favors.  Which is probably why I suck at politics.  I was however once elected to a small local community board to which I took great pride. Obviously they didn't do background checks either and they never accepted my nomination for people to thumb wrestle to settle huge debates. ( snotty politicians)


If I do by some fluke win ( or even come in the top 10 ) I make you these campaign promises.

1- a Chicken in every pot
2- No new taxes
3- All my meetings will be broadcast on CSPAN
4- Everyone will be able to see Russia ( or Mexico or Canada) from their backyard.
5- I will not have sexual relations with that woman.

Thanks for your time and possibly your vote.  You rock.

ThePeachy1