Why some people think I am a shitty friend.

When it comes to friendship you could call me, SPECTACULAR.  Of course that would be silly of you and it would point out to me that you are delusional,  not that being delusional and thinking I am like rainbow skittle shitting unicorns, would rule you out. In fact it could get you moved to the front of the line.  I would see the signs and  attempt to help you in anyway possible  attempt to use that to my personal benefit however possible.

A while back I  a video was made of  an email exchange from a new friend,  it was called

 "The Friendship Disclaimer".

You can click here to watch it,  it's pretty honest and hilarious, so it's honestly hilarious. Allegedly.

Then I had this weird email exchange which was more like watching someone go so far off the deep end that a rope and ladder wouldn't save them.  Being the true shitty friend I am you can only imagine the lack of total support I offered to my friend. Like if we were dating friends the constant minute by minute update over 7 days sharing of this most personal time of emotional upheaval nearly pushed me off the fucking edge and  I worried she would pop up in my kitchen with a boiled rabbit. only brought us closer.

She also blatantly tried to kill me in the end. But you can read for yourself.


ME  at 12:00am
did you try to chat or call me last night AFTER I TOOK AMBIEN?
I only ask because I just now took it and thought shit what was Clarice talking  about, was she talking to me,  did I club a baby seal or go clubbing with a navy seal. Obviously the world needs more ambien

Clarice  12:01am Report
Yep. And the answer to your question on WTF is... I am waiting for my period to start to confirm the pregnancy test I took yesterday that says I am NOT pregnant with the guy that is "just friends"baby.

Clarice  12:02am Report
I'm not sure what the original conversation was about but I think it was that. probably.

Me  at 12:03am
how long ago was the ll lovin  ( ambien typing rocks)and when was your last  female time?
also am I safely guessing he did not have a vasectomy, isn't sterile  and didn't use rubbers   both of you mature adults who KNOW better didn't use any protection at all?

Clarice  at 12:05am Report
Remember I stopped the pill like 3 months ago and am trying out new BC methods but since I never get laid I didn't have anything? Not  sterile, no vasectomy, no rubbers... he (left the building like elvis) but i KNOW some of his gunk got on my junk.
Also, ( I neurotically checked every website to do with Junk near spunk and it appears I was ovulating at the time.). Yes, the day after we had lunch and you fell on your face taking me to the airport . Then asked TSA to feel you up even though you weren't flying, thus causing me to get violated on every feasable level because you were causing a scene and with me.  I was kind of ( turned on by the nearly sexual experience with TSA thanks to you)  celebrating the fact that you lived and when he  picked me up at the airport because his sister was " busy"  we  BUCKED LIKE 11th GRADE FUNNIES, hooked up.I am due to start my period on Sunday.

4 days after sex I ( HAD VERY GRAPHIC DETAILES THAT ARE INDICITIVE OF BEING PREGGO). I NEVER ( DO THIS SYMPTOM THAT COULD INDICATE BEING PREGGO ) between periods.

************Ambien must have kicked in because it's now the next day****************

Me  3:19pm
Well you know this kind of things happen and your an awesome person and mother and obviously capable of handling whatever happens just know I am here for you because that's what friends do.
So yeah, you're both completely fucking stupid.   I hope you realize this will probably end up on one of my blogs.  Also can my husband the Android and I have the baby? He told me today we had to have another baby because my first goal was to survive long enough to see Oldest Child graduate and go to college, and for the past 4 years my goal has been to see youngest child graduate and go to college, so if we have a baby now, that will mean I will live 20 more years instead of 8. Obviously having my own  baby would indeed kill me, youngest child nearly did,  but I won that fight, so youngest kid you deal with that guilt I plan to use like a weapon against you when your a teenager   So I told him we have to hope oldest child gets married and has a baby in the next 9 years, and she said not likely so can we have your baby to save my life? 
also you  are driving me fucking crazy with your neurotic menstal cycle updates I think you may need to be hospitalized.   have got to try to stop worrying about it, other wise you will make it NOT come.   Unlike him.
keep me posted hooker I will start decorating a nursery here in my house today.


Clarice 3:41pm
Certain things are NOT an option  like common sense, or my personal story ending up on your blog, me turning down hot monkey sex with this smoking hot dude, because I haven't been laid in so long I feel like Hillary Clinton and  honestly the guy I only know in a casual setting   will be a GREAT dad someday... maybe in 8 months, maybe in 8 years... hopefully the latter. and no, you can't have the baby. The guy would lose his shit.

********Later that night********

Clarice 10:14pm Report
ugh. everything points to "yep, sounds like you could be pregnant".  I'm really hoping Sunday I start. Have I mentioned that? except that I hope I don't start b/c I'm sick in the head  like that( NO FUCKING WAY?)  and I've always wanted more babies, just not with that fuckface I was married to. It's why I didn't get my tubes tied after my last kid was born.

Me at 2:03am
oh, then I guess what your saying is you're kind of on the fence about us adopting this fictional baby?  how solid are you on that?   Did I even fucking tell you that I want to be like Angelina Jolie and adopt a ton of foreign babies?   Then get their geographical birth locations tattooed on my body?  Could you image the awesome multi culture reputation of our family if we adopted your fictional Canadian baby?  Hello?  I mean getting to explain the exotic and forieng birthplace of my clearly adopted child would make me like so frigging cool.  can you say OPRAH?

Clarice 7:36am Report
Under no circumstances would I let you have this baby,  I am worried that you are in charge of a goldfish let alone a child.  Also Canadian children look just like american children so your plan doesn't hold water and you and I look so much alike no one would even guess it wasn't your kid.

Me at 7:42
I like the way you said "your kid".   Let's talk this over. What about the dying part? The reason to live part?  The you could save my life like an organ donor but it would be a child with it's own organs not actually an organ for me.

Clarice 7:45
 NO dammit

Me at7:42
that kind of sucks.  let me clarify this- what your saying is you want me to die faster? and some douche that didn't even use birth control with you and his" feelings" are WAY more important than my being not dead? Clarice you are such a cold hearted bitch, geesh.  I will let my kid know you are hoping I die soon.  Thanks.   Now I hate you and wont talk to you again for at least 15 minutes... which is like a year for me.  Also as you are the direct cause of my demise as a last request I demand you to wear thigh high leather boots, a aluminum foil thong and mardi gras colored tassel pasties, while you do the original Vanilla Ice dance in front of my coffin for everyone in attendance.


Clarice 7:45
I know... I"m a terrible friend!!! :(    I still haven't started,  I know it's only been a week and I wont technically be late for another11 days  but I think I felt the baby kick

Me at 9:12am
Really,  your fucking mental, also, you're trying to murder me,  I have written proof you are trying to kill me by not giving me this fictional baby that you probably aren't even pregnant with.    Probably not,  assassin....

Clarice 9:22am
I think my milk is coming in,  just found out through his linkdin and we both have twins in our family tree.

Me:  11:30
Dear Assassin-  they make meds for this kind of shit.  I thought you had free health care in Canada. Also I am pretty sure when the Queen of Canada see's this, she's going to  strip you of your citizenship and send you out afloat on an iceberg to die alone with your fictional baby, named NANUK.

Clarice 12:15
Yeah your right,  "I" am the idiot here.

Me:  1:55
Well now at least we agree on something.


See I am a piece of shit selfish moron, good and supportive friend


XOXO
PEACH OUT
* No friends, fictional babies, baby seals, or Navy Seals, were harmed during the making of this post.  My friend told me I could use this since she paid like 598 billion Loonies ( no shit that's their money in Canada, which is appropriate in her case and ironically hilarious, to take a blood test that said she was not knocked up but since it's MONDAY and she's now 3 hours late she's convinced the blood test is wrong. So she is out buying maternity pants and nursing bras.


also-  I made pancakes at 10pm last night for a herd of kids that happen to be here, this is a picture of them because I am FREAKING AWESOME with kids AND Goldfish spank you very much.