You can click here to watch it, it's pretty honest and hilarious, so it's honestly hilarious. Allegedly.
Then I had this weird email exchange which was more like watching someone go so far off the deep end that a rope and ladder wouldn't save them. Being the true
She also blatantly tried to kill me in the end. But you can read for yourself.
ME at 12:00am
did you try to chat or call me last night AFTER I TOOK AMBIEN?
I only ask because I just now took it and thought shit what was Clarice talking about, was she talking to me, did I club a baby seal or go clubbing with a navy seal. Obviously the world needs more ambien
Clarice 12:01am Report
Yep. And the answer to your question on WTF is... I am waiting for my period to start to confirm the pregnancy test I took yesterday that says I am NOT pregnant with the guy that is "just friends"baby.
Clarice 12:02am Report
I'm not sure what the original conversation was about but I think it was that. probably.
Me at 12:03am
how long ago was the ll lovin ( ambien typing rocks)and when was your last female time?
Clarice at 12:05am Report
Remember I stopped the pill like 3 months ago and am trying out new BC methods but since I never get laid I didn't have anything? Not sterile, no vasectomy, no rubbers... he (left the building like elvis) but i KNOW some of his gunk got on my junk.
4 days after sex I ( HAD VERY GRAPHIC DETAILES THAT ARE INDICITIVE OF BEING PREGGO). I NEVER ( DO THIS SYMPTOM THAT COULD INDICATE BEING PREGGO ) between periods.
************Ambien must have kicked in because it's now the next day****************
So yeah, you're both completely fucking stupid. I hope you realize this will probably end up on one of my blogs. Also can my husband the Android and I have the baby? He told me today we had to have another baby because my first goal was to survive long enough to see Oldest Child graduate and go to college, and for the past 4 years my goal has been to see youngest child graduate and go to college, so if we have a baby now, that will mean I will live 20 more years instead of 8. Obviously having my own baby would indeed kill me, youngest child nearly did, but I won that fight,
keep me posted hooker I will start decorating a nursery here in my house today.
Certain things are NOT an option
********Later that night********
Clarice 10:14pm Report
ugh. everything points to "yep, sounds like you could be pregnant". I'm really hoping Sunday I start. Have I mentioned that? except that I hope I don't start b/c I'm sick in the head like that
Me at 2:03am
oh, then I guess what your saying is you're kind of on the fence about us adopting this fictional baby? how solid are you on that? Did I even fucking tell you that I want to be like Angelina Jolie and adopt a ton of foreign babies? Then get their geographical birth locations tattooed on my body? Could you image the awesome multi culture reputation of our family if we adopted your fictional Canadian baby? Hello? I mean getting to explain the exotic and forieng birthplace of my clearly adopted child would make me like so frigging cool. can you say OPRAH?
Clarice 7:36am Report
Under no circumstances would I let you have this baby, I am worried that you are in charge of a goldfish let alone a child. Also Canadian children look just like american children so your plan doesn't hold water and you and I look so much alike no one would even guess it wasn't your kid.
Me at 7:42
I like the way you said "your kid". Let's talk this over. What about the dying part? The reason to live part? The you could save my life like an organ donor but it would be a child with it's own organs not actually an organ for me.
that kind of sucks. let me clarify this- what your saying is you want me to die faster? and some douche that didn't even use birth control with you and his" feelings" are WAY more important than my being not dead? Clarice you are such a cold hearted bitch, geesh. I will let my kid know you are hoping I die soon. Thanks. Now I hate you and wont talk to you again for at least 15 minutes... which is like a year for me. Also as you are the direct cause of my demise as a last request I demand you to wear thigh high leather boots, a aluminum foil thong and mardi gras colored tassel pasties, while you do the original Vanilla Ice dance in front of my coffin for everyone in attendance.
I know... I"m a terrible friend!!! :( I still haven't started, I know it's only been a week and I wont technically be late for another11 days but I think I felt the baby kick
Me at 9:12am
Really, your fucking mental, also, you're trying to murder me, I have written proof you are trying to kill me by not giving me this fictional baby that you probably aren't even pregnant with. Probably not, assassin....
I think my milk is coming in, just found out through his linkdin and we both have twins in our family tree.
Dear Assassin- they make meds for this kind of shit. I thought you had free health care in Canada. Also I am pretty sure when the Queen of Canada see's this, she's going to strip you of your citizenship and send you out afloat on an iceberg to die alone with your fictional baby, named NANUK.
Yeah your right, "I" am the idiot here.
Well now at least we agree on something.
See I am a
* No friends, fictional babies, baby seals, or Navy Seals, were harmed during the making of this post. My friend told me I could use this since she paid like 598 billion Loonies ( no shit that's their money in Canada, which is appropriate in her case and ironically hilarious, to take a blood test that said she was not knocked up but since it's MONDAY and she's now 3 hours late she's convinced the blood test is wrong. So she is out buying maternity pants and nursing bras.
also- I made pancakes at 10pm last night for a herd of kids that happen to be here, this is a picture of them because I am FREAKING AWESOME with kids AND Goldfish spank you very much.
I love how you talked about "baby batter" and then mixed in something about pancakes. lol
Damn. Im taking your ambien from now on. Everytime Ive taken it Ive only had dreams of Ninja Navy Seals trying to repel off of my roof. I kept waking the husband up telling him this and asking him to walk to Wendy's to get us all baked potatoes. Or so Im told... I was sleeping and the husband has been known to mess with my head.
also... bwwaahhhaa.. baby batter. I will never look at pancakes the same!
omfg that was the funniest shit I've read in such a damn long time!! gunk on the junk? wth?
Canadians are kinda dumb huh
....I am humbled and in awe of your pancakes!
(I laughed my ass off when I read this post! Thanks for starting my day off right!)
I had a really witty remark to make but then Miley got me all sidetracked!
WTF Chuck? Canadians are dumb? Funny how there's a shitload of jokes 'bout the Southerners, but the only jokes about the Canadians are... wait a minute, NONE! Booyaw!
Oh, and Peachfuzz: you are the sunshine of my life...
ツ my cyber house rules
I love you all widely and think we should get together for naked twister. Megan way to insult an entire country there girl. Nikki, sorry but there are sooo MANY jokes about canadians, nearly as much as southerners but since your boarder patrol escorted me out of that country last time I was there, I don't think I will be telling any, plus I like to make pancakes not war.
Autumn Rose- hey think thi sis the first time I have met you so welcome aboard, yes every once and a while I kick out something out of character just to shake up the folks who think they know me.
Great post! I love disjointed conversations between hormone/pharmaceutically addled women...
As long as the conversation is taking place somewhere other than where I'm trying to sleep.
The crack about stupid southerners hurt, even if it's true. Listen, we're trying to correct that down here... I'm dumping massive quantities of chlorine into the shallow end of the gene pool, and we're lobbying Congress to give us funding for a southern fence on the northern border of Texas. We figure that alone will solve most of America's problems.
Gotta go... call now, ovulators on duty.
Did you just lie to AutumnRose and say this post was out of character?
Okay, is that icing on the pancakes?
I can't believe you made pancake manjunk with icing. I've heard people drive & shit on the Ambien, and don't even know they've done anything when they woke up; which would explain the junk, except that you remember doing it.
Now I'm back to being disturbed about pancake junk in general.
Squalto- you sexy thing, who would have pegged you as a lover of drugged females, well other than the FBI. Glad you popped by!
Chuncky Momma I meant the pancakes, you know that's kind of out of character since it's nearly domestic and stuff.
Venom- no those are the pancakes, I make my mix then add food coloring and then make designs, I think it totally covers up the fact there is no meat, dairy or anything healthy involved but that I still love them. ( also they are not my kids, so why not)
Oh Peachy, I nearly pissed myself reading this. I think I'll go ahead and charge you for the new drawers I'll need since I kind of dribbled a little before I made it to the bathroom. You really should put a disclaimer on ALL of your posts that says "Please void BEFORE you read this post" to avoid any potential lawsuits and shit.
ACTUALLY- that is tattooed on my inner thigh per order of the Florida supreme court.
( whiny ass frat boys and their OMG I thought she loved me bullshit)
but I guess since you guys can't see my thigh ( which is a good thing for yall trust me).
I just assume people start at being peachy and fall over here and that eases them off the crazy train and into the nut hut.
@Peach, ohhhhh gotcha now. :)
But, I seem to remember some awesome reindeer cupcakes in your past?
@Venom - pancakes + icing = brilliance
Holy shit Peach, that is SO much more work than I would ever have done for my own children (whom I love), much less whiny neighbour children whose parents might later insist I chip in on psycological assessments and stuff.
I have thought about it, and though I plan to love them beyond all reason (should I ever have any, absolutely not one second sooner than a decade from now thank you), I cannot envision myself going to this much trouble for grandchildren either. At least, not my son's kids, because at any moment their mother could decide I'm not very nurturing and refuse to leave them alone with me, which also kills my dream of dressing them up in weird outfits and taking pictures of them for spare $$... My daughter's kids though? HAH! They're stuck with me for LIFE, suckas.
My daughter says she is going to be sterilized at the first opportunity.
Brat is always screwing with me.
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