BEARS and BACON

A man in rural Wisconsin wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.  So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit  bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.  When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go.  The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the  back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof shoot dog!"





what?   where is my bacon?  oh you want bacon?  you can't handle the bacon !

This glorious turkey bacon is the perfect meat for Thanksgiving!
I totally stole it from The Domestic Diva

Now that's truth in advertising,  Bears and Bacon?  yeah I am this cool.


xo
PEACH OUT

Let them Eat Shit!

Yes Miss Hopkins please take this article and make several copies send it out to everyone in the United States marked Urgent and then make sure it gets placed in the ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME file.  Right next to the dumb bitch who went on the national news saying she needed to file a law suit against McDonalds for selling a product in the Free Market America. Thank you.  I will be inside a bottle of Vodka rocking back and forth in disbelief this is happening in my country.

Click to See Full Size -  Article from Chicago Tribune

I could write a rant of epic proportions on the level of fucking insanity that this country is turning into.   I could spew from my mouth about the level of utter moron-ism that it takes for a mega twit to stand on the damn news and think it's ok to say shit like " I can't tell my 7 year old she can't eat a happy meal and that's why she is fat and it's because of the toy so you shouldn't sell toys"
Because GOD/Budda/Alla/ Zeus knows  it's that Damn Red headed Clowns fault you're a shit for brains no spine sorry excuse for a parent to a spoiled little fucking brat and so we need to shut down free commerce so your little princess of pork doesn't want a happy meal.  It's not enough they offer apple slices, milk and salads,  NO.  It's not enough you could just drive a route that doesn't send her into a freaking ravenous rage for a fucking $1.00 toy in exchange for a greasy bag by seeing those golden arches.  NO.   But most definitely we could never expect you to actually parent YOUR own damn child.  That would clearly be asking too much, so lets have the fucking Government waste some more money tying up our courts with your stupid case,  then do some testing, research, write up some legislature and spend about 5 billion bucks because you have the FUCKING AUDACITY TO GO ON THE NEWS AND SAY YOU ARE A SHIT FOR FUCKING BRAINS HORRIBLE FUCKING PARENT WHO CAN NOT PARENT.   The best part, the news pampered your baby ass like you were such a victim.  I wanted to vomit and then mail it to you.  I can't wait until she's 12 and wants to have sex in her bedroom.  Hope you learn to say no in the next 5 years or are you thinking the Government is going to handle that one too?  OH wait let me guess planned parenthood? Welfare?  OH yeah guess I will pick up that tab too you lovely piece of work.  Hold up. Drugs are running rampit what if she wants to try booze and crack around 14? I mean seriously, that's way more freaking addictive than a little mermaid doll.  Shit. I certainly hope they come up with a solution for that soon.  You are seriously screwed.  Oh no your not. I am, because that's right, YOU REFUSE TO PARENT AND ADMIT IT.  Thanks, and a Big Thanks to the news, which is no longer the news, it's actually just a twisted version of whatever cause needs to be pushed by whoever owns whatever they want pushed.



Now on to the wonderful article above in the Chicago Times-
YOU MUST EAT THE SCHOOL LUNCH.  Unless you have a medical issue with a Doctors note you may not bring a lunch from home.   This means  that the shit slop overpriced alpo that all the kids in America get mere seconds to chug down their digestive systems is now the ONLY option. Remember the Soup Natzi?  Yeah this Principal is the freaking lunch Natzi?  Holy Shit, that boat will not float. That's right folks !  Sexy huh? If you ever dared to say hospital food is bad, I beg you to sit through a weeks worth of school food, and do it on the students schedule.  It's awesome.  Watch the Chow Hall scene from GI Jane.  It sums it up pretty good.   First in many areas a large portion of the children are on free or reduced lunches.  The remainder of the kids are being overcharged for what is the nutritional equivalent to dog shit  with a crushed prenatal vitamin on top.  It has all the flavor of  Kim Chi that has been left in the trunk of a car in the deep south with melted ice cream for a week.  Simply put. I wouldn't eat that shit if you paid MY ASS in Pirate Gold.   So I pack my kids lunch.  He gets fruit, a sandwich, milk, cheese, pudding, whatever.  Also they get 30 minutes.  Wow. Lucky kids huh?  No not really. That's 30 minutes from the time they leave their class and have to get back, in that time they cross campus, wait in line,  have shit slopped on a ( often dirty) tray,  get over charged,   find a seat where they wont get the crap beat out of them by a bully,  sit down, by now 17-20 minutes have passed.  They have less than 6 minutes to actually eat and drink their " food like substance"  because they need to cross campus and get back to class.  Don't forget if you intend on washing your hands or using the restroom you better be damn sure you are at the front of the line.   Oh and if you think I am talking 9th grade and up. NEGATIVE.  It's been this way since 1st grade.  Not just my school system.  Today I heard 10 callers on the radio from 4 states all with the same sceneries.   Shocking !   So here a principal has no decided that CHILDREN CAN ONLY PURCHASE FOOD FROM HER SCHOOL.   The CAN NOT BRING HOME MADE LUNCHES.  This means if you don't qualify for free or reduced lunches but you don't have the funds you can't pack your kid a lunch.  It also means if your kid doesn't like sloppy joes and meat loaf, and hamburgers, TOUGH SHIT.  That's right, my kid who doesn't eat hamburger, or as in the case of school lunches, ground up cock roaches, at least 3 days a week he would go without eating from  610am until 325pm  to me I find that completely UNHEALTHY and a FORM OF CHILD ABUSE.   If my child lived in that district, or if they were to dare and enact that law here. You could bet your sweet ass I would end up on the news and chances are they would not be speaking favorably of me like the did the dumb bitch suing McDonalds.

Just saying.  If we don't collectively as a country say enough of this bullshit we wont be taking anymore, then we will indeed wake up one day with no more rights, how much will we hand over before it is all gone.  We were once the land of the free and the home of the brave. Now we are the land of the
_______________________ and the home of the ______________________________


You fill in the blanks.




XO


PEACH OUT

Mayans- budget cuts and calendars OH MY !

DAY 2 APOCALYPSE COVERAGE

THE FACTS I WILL REVEAL IN THIS SERIES WILL GET ME

COMMITTED,  PICKED UP BY HOMELAND SECURITY

IN THE HISTORY BOOKS 

AT LEAST UNTIL THE EARTH ENDS.

PART 3 OF THE MOST FUCKED UP  IMPORTANT SHIT YOU WILL EVER READ MAYBE!

As I revealed to you on Monday only me, (click here) Tom Hanks and Mel Gibson know the truth.  I am choosing to share it with you sans the stuffed beaver or best friend soccer ball head. 

I have spent   minutes,  hours, weeks, months,  years  researching the topic I am about to present you with and find that the following series will be the most fictitious conclusive argumentative  Scientific Study I have brought to you in at least a couple days, EVER.   The New York Times would  describes it as "Earth Shattering" and Wall Street Journal would say, " most enlightening series known to mankind."  if they were  tripping on LSD and buried in an under ground bunker with the only escape being writing what I say, they would probably have said that.

Just like a mommy logger giving away a $1.00 off coupon for huggies  first class national news programs.  I have the kind of dedicated dogs staff that will come through when it counts. This "BREAKING NEWS GRAPHIC"  should appear on your screen every 15 minutes as we flood you with utter speculation and misinformation  nothing but the facts. 

 A lot of credit is being given to the Mayan Calendar and Millions of Dollars are being spent to study it, why it ends when it does and what it means.  

 Some really smart Scientist Guys ( code for dudes who don't get laid EVER) have determined that it's based on their 2600 year cycle and December 21 2012 will be the birth of a new era and that birth is bloody and painful. ( clearly they have NEVER seen the Orgasmic births on YouTube.  I really do wish I could scrub that from my memory.)

My staff ( dogs)  did dug freaking holes all over my yard  an actual archeological dig and found stone tablets that clearly were the original version of Dilbert.  It also highlights the social and political climate of the culture at time.











That's the  mystery behind they Mayan Calendar. Now you know.

You are welcome.

XO

PEACH OUT

Why some people think I am a shitty friend.

When it comes to friendship you could call me, SPECTACULAR.  Of course that would be silly of you and it would point out to me that you are delusional,  not that being delusional and thinking I am like rainbow skittle shitting unicorns, would rule you out. In fact it could get you moved to the front of the line.  I would see the signs and  attempt to help you in anyway possible  attempt to use that to my personal benefit however possible.

A while back I  a video was made of  an email exchange from a new friend,  it was called

 "The Friendship Disclaimer".

You can click here to watch it,  it's pretty honest and hilarious, so it's honestly hilarious. Allegedly.

Then I had this weird email exchange which was more like watching someone go so far off the deep end that a rope and ladder wouldn't save them.  Being the true shitty friend I am you can only imagine the lack of total support I offered to my friend. Like if we were dating friends the constant minute by minute update over 7 days sharing of this most personal time of emotional upheaval nearly pushed me off the fucking edge and  I worried she would pop up in my kitchen with a boiled rabbit. only brought us closer.

She also blatantly tried to kill me in the end. But you can read for yourself.


ME  at 12:00am
did you try to chat or call me last night AFTER I TOOK AMBIEN?
I only ask because I just now took it and thought shit what was Clarice talking  about, was she talking to me,  did I club a baby seal or go clubbing with a navy seal. Obviously the world needs more ambien

Clarice  12:01am Report
Yep. And the answer to your question on WTF is... I am waiting for my period to start to confirm the pregnancy test I took yesterday that says I am NOT pregnant with the guy that is "just friends"baby.

Clarice  12:02am Report
I'm not sure what the original conversation was about but I think it was that. probably.

Me  at 12:03am
how long ago was the ll lovin  ( ambien typing rocks)and when was your last  female time?
also am I safely guessing he did not have a vasectomy, isn't sterile  and didn't use rubbers   both of you mature adults who KNOW better didn't use any protection at all?

Clarice  at 12:05am Report
Remember I stopped the pill like 3 months ago and am trying out new BC methods but since I never get laid I didn't have anything? Not  sterile, no vasectomy, no rubbers... he (left the building like elvis) but i KNOW some of his gunk got on my junk.
Also, ( I neurotically checked every website to do with Junk near spunk and it appears I was ovulating at the time.). Yes, the day after we had lunch and you fell on your face taking me to the airport . Then asked TSA to feel you up even though you weren't flying, thus causing me to get violated on every feasable level because you were causing a scene and with me.  I was kind of ( turned on by the nearly sexual experience with TSA thanks to you)  celebrating the fact that you lived and when he  picked me up at the airport because his sister was " busy"  we  BUCKED LIKE 11th GRADE FUNNIES, hooked up.I am due to start my period on Sunday.

4 days after sex I ( HAD VERY GRAPHIC DETAILES THAT ARE INDICITIVE OF BEING PREGGO). I NEVER ( DO THIS SYMPTOM THAT COULD INDICATE BEING PREGGO ) between periods.

************Ambien must have kicked in because it's now the next day****************

Me  3:19pm
Well you know this kind of things happen and your an awesome person and mother and obviously capable of handling whatever happens just know I am here for you because that's what friends do.
So yeah, you're both completely fucking stupid.   I hope you realize this will probably end up on one of my blogs.  Also can my husband the Android and I have the baby? He told me today we had to have another baby because my first goal was to survive long enough to see Oldest Child graduate and go to college, and for the past 4 years my goal has been to see youngest child graduate and go to college, so if we have a baby now, that will mean I will live 20 more years instead of 8. Obviously having my own  baby would indeed kill me, youngest child nearly did,  but I won that fight, so youngest kid you deal with that guilt I plan to use like a weapon against you when your a teenager   So I told him we have to hope oldest child gets married and has a baby in the next 9 years, and she said not likely so can we have your baby to save my life? 
also you  are driving me fucking crazy with your neurotic menstal cycle updates I think you may need to be hospitalized.   have got to try to stop worrying about it, other wise you will make it NOT come.   Unlike him.
keep me posted hooker I will start decorating a nursery here in my house today.


Clarice 3:41pm
Certain things are NOT an option  like common sense, or my personal story ending up on your blog, me turning down hot monkey sex with this smoking hot dude, because I haven't been laid in so long I feel like Hillary Clinton and  honestly the guy I only know in a casual setting   will be a GREAT dad someday... maybe in 8 months, maybe in 8 years... hopefully the latter. and no, you can't have the baby. The guy would lose his shit.

********Later that night********

Clarice 10:14pm Report
ugh. everything points to "yep, sounds like you could be pregnant".  I'm really hoping Sunday I start. Have I mentioned that? except that I hope I don't start b/c I'm sick in the head  like that( NO FUCKING WAY?)  and I've always wanted more babies, just not with that fuckface I was married to. It's why I didn't get my tubes tied after my last kid was born.

Me at 2:03am
oh, then I guess what your saying is you're kind of on the fence about us adopting this fictional baby?  how solid are you on that?   Did I even fucking tell you that I want to be like Angelina Jolie and adopt a ton of foreign babies?   Then get their geographical birth locations tattooed on my body?  Could you image the awesome multi culture reputation of our family if we adopted your fictional Canadian baby?  Hello?  I mean getting to explain the exotic and forieng birthplace of my clearly adopted child would make me like so frigging cool.  can you say OPRAH?

Clarice 7:36am Report
Under no circumstances would I let you have this baby,  I am worried that you are in charge of a goldfish let alone a child.  Also Canadian children look just like american children so your plan doesn't hold water and you and I look so much alike no one would even guess it wasn't your kid.

Me at 7:42
I like the way you said "your kid".   Let's talk this over. What about the dying part? The reason to live part?  The you could save my life like an organ donor but it would be a child with it's own organs not actually an organ for me.

Clarice 7:45
 NO dammit

Me at7:42
that kind of sucks.  let me clarify this- what your saying is you want me to die faster? and some douche that didn't even use birth control with you and his" feelings" are WAY more important than my being not dead? Clarice you are such a cold hearted bitch, geesh.  I will let my kid know you are hoping I die soon.  Thanks.   Now I hate you and wont talk to you again for at least 15 minutes... which is like a year for me.  Also as you are the direct cause of my demise as a last request I demand you to wear thigh high leather boots, a aluminum foil thong and mardi gras colored tassel pasties, while you do the original Vanilla Ice dance in front of my coffin for everyone in attendance.


Clarice 7:45
I know... I"m a terrible friend!!! :(    I still haven't started,  I know it's only been a week and I wont technically be late for another11 days  but I think I felt the baby kick

Me at 9:12am
Really,  your fucking mental, also, you're trying to murder me,  I have written proof you are trying to kill me by not giving me this fictional baby that you probably aren't even pregnant with.    Probably not,  assassin....

Clarice 9:22am
I think my milk is coming in,  just found out through his linkdin and we both have twins in our family tree.

Me:  11:30
Dear Assassin-  they make meds for this kind of shit.  I thought you had free health care in Canada. Also I am pretty sure when the Queen of Canada see's this, she's going to  strip you of your citizenship and send you out afloat on an iceberg to die alone with your fictional baby, named NANUK.

Clarice 12:15
Yeah your right,  "I" am the idiot here.

Me:  1:55
Well now at least we agree on something.


See I am a piece of shit selfish moron, good and supportive friend


XOXO
PEACH OUT
* No friends, fictional babies, baby seals, or Navy Seals, were harmed during the making of this post.  My friend told me I could use this since she paid like 598 billion Loonies ( no shit that's their money in Canada, which is appropriate in her case and ironically hilarious, to take a blood test that said she was not knocked up but since it's MONDAY and she's now 3 hours late she's convinced the blood test is wrong. So she is out buying maternity pants and nursing bras.


also-  I made pancakes at 10pm last night for a herd of kids that happen to be here, this is a picture of them because I am FREAKING AWESOME with kids AND Goldfish spank you very much.

You can't buy friends like this. Unless you have paypal.

People. I adore you. I also adore the fact that yesterdays post garnered me a plethora of  tweets, dm's, facebook emails, gmails and regular emails. It was by far the undisputed most "private" reaction post EVER on any of my blogs.   The deal is, I had a week long series of MORE scientific studies planned for you all this week.  It was, dare I say it, beyond genius absolutely awesome.  So last night moments before I chug down a handful of ambien with vodka  at a final review with my staff, dalmatian, a used paper towel, I  made  the decision to shelf it for now due to current social climate and recent events.

I hyperventilated a little and then I ate a banana.  Then that stuff flew from my fingertips like the debil in that song, "The debil went down to Georgia".  I totally blame the banana for this mayhem.

photo credit to Slaraffenland on Flickr.com

( I need you to know that I wrote this post with no images, then simply went to google and typed in "devil banana" and this popped up.  FRUE TRUCKING STORY ! I SWEAR TO BOB !)

My dear friend Holly at MidWesternMamah gave me the down low of what happened and it was very 80's rocket concert days of me, included me not knowing anything about the post because I woke up today hog tied in the back of a Chevy van with a new tattoo of Mighty Mouse flying out of my ass crack.   Do you people realize what a valuable asset a friend like that is?   I do. Anyone who can think up a cover that fast  remember what happened so accurately is priceless.

So I ran to my bathroom dropped trow and contorted myself like a pretzel to see if any of it was true.  There staring back from the very clean big mirror, was my very sexy, firm,  hot  big freckled ass,  and then THIS...

Saving the day are we #eve? 

and in the immortal words of the best news guy that ever lived.  Now you know the rest of the story. ( sort of)

xo

PEACH OUT

** yesterday I got an award from Oil Field Trash at Make Daddy a Sammich  to which I thank him and UPS him a poboy. I put it on the award section of my other blog you can see it over there by clicking here.

also this guy is only wearing children's party favors for clothes

and now I sing, "brass monkey, that funky monkey, brass monkey junkie that funky monkey."

Goats who stare at women

I have never blown up a goat. ( shut up I haven't)  Recently I finally saw the movie " Men who stare at Goats" and  I wanted to punch my TV  admire the genius behind that piece of shit that only works because of the actors amazing film.  I need to point out that I am indeed a insane woman and horrible mom   Expert in the realm of all things Goaty.

I have painful memories extensive experience when it comes to Goats.
I need you to stop being so damn  jealous, we all can't be goat whisperers.

If you want to know how to become the laughing stalk of your town,  on homeland securities watch list,  drug through a competency hearing by your friends and family  A real Goat Expert.  Simply follow the steps below

Like Cesar Milan but Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-dder

1-In a gigantic leap of  stupidity faith,  convince yourself  your kids wont get shot or stabbed in elementary school like they would in the city the country is a better place to raise children.  Move your 2 little kids under 5 and decide to buy land whose only other occupant was Big Foot in the woods.

my yard was like this but without the castle in the background

2- Have your kids bug you every waking second about wanting a pet, a dog, a cat, a rabbit, a hamster, a horse, a pony, a pig, a duck, a freaking anything. psychological warfare. They used it.

3- Come up with a fucking insane brilliant plan to buy a pet that will help serve a purpose. Yes no more cutting the waist high wild grass if you buy a pet that will eat it. ( still researching what animal eats dirty laundry)

I iz a GENIUS !!!

4- Buy a baby goat and a red dog harness and a bell and tie it in the yard on Christmas morning put a note under the tree telling the kids the goat is Rudolphs best friend and he has come to live with you and they better take good care of him.  ( because who needs a fence when you dress your goat up like a dog/pet)


5- Kids can not properly identify goat and scream, SKUNK !!!!

This is a Skunk. I did not buy my children a skunk.  I later found out they both needed glasses.

6-The children will run at the tied up non skunk goat full speed. The goat will then attempt to run away from screaming children thus hitting the end of his rope and back flipping into chasing children ending with all of them in a pile of upset in the yard on Christmas morning.

when they hit it looked like this, but with less cars, and more kids and goat

7- A month later you will figure out that your particular goat will eat NOTHING but table scraps and gourmet dog food. He will not eat grass, weeds, or anything and has in turn become yet another mouth to feed.

** BONUS FUN FACT***

 A goats ass is like an auto pez dispenser, Every time they take a step poop pellets pour out.

8- Your goat thinks he is part of the family, and follows you to the mail box, goes on car rides and plays tag with the kids.

9- Being a single lady in the country you totally want the name, " Goat Lady" to be forever attached to you in the small community you have chosen to set up family roots in.

10- Further propelling you into the desirable woman category your goat head buts any guy who pulls into your yard and chases them back to their car.

11- Wake up one morning and find goat in bed with your kids. Throw the goat out of the house clean up his pez poop and scold children while they scream how they didn't do it.

12- Jump in your shower and soap up your hair, feel the curtain touching your legs and get soap in your eyes, be sure it's one of the kids harassing you as usual. wash out eyes and see it is A KID. THE GOAT ! The damn goat has climbed into the shower with you and is standing next to you and licking the water off your leg taking this entire pet thing to a creepy new level.

13- SCREAM

14- Fall on slippery wet floor and bust your ass trying to get away from the goat.

15- Run naked except for the washcloth to the front door and attempt to push the wet goat out of your house.

16- wave back at the neighbors honking and waving as they drive by and see the wet goat and naked wet you in epic battle that could only be viewed as questionable.

17- Find out that your goat has figured out how to open the door by standing on his hind legs and hitting the door latch.

The goat went to live on a farm like all animals do once they have worn out their welcome.


I promise you will never ever be forgotten for this.  Nearly a decade later I was nominated for a small local public office.  I didn't campaign, but did end up getting elected. During my first Board meeting, I heard, "so you're the goat lady?"

yeah, nice.  That's me.

xo
PEACH OUT

Epic History

If you have been following either of my blogs you probably realized that I have an affection for vodka history and chocolate comedy.   Back quite a few months ago I published ( with permission)  World War 2 if it had facebook (here).

Simply put this stuff is epic.  It's accurate and cracks me up.  Pure genius way beyond my scope of  effort or string of conscious thought capabilities. Especially when I am suffering with the plague/flu/hangover stuffs.

So then yesterday I get sent this   -  If Twitter had been around for our Founding Fathers " We hold these tweets to be self evident"  I couldn't reach the genius Matt Silverman in time to get permission and since I don't know nothing about thieving Ms Scarlett I will just link to "that" site for now. Here

Then I got this.  I will admit to you that I shared it via email with about 30 people and then contacted the creater Nice Peter. I went and liked his FaceBook page ( here) and sent him an email asking if I could share his video over here on the pits. Here is his reply.

:)

Most definitely.

Feel free to embed any of my youtube videos on your wonderfully peachy vlog. 

-nice peter

Ok  people,  I got a smiley face (BONUS) and I have to tell you seeing  "Nice Peter to You"  on my email  (DOUBLE BONUS) was pretty damn funny all in itself.

So check out this Rap Battle between the Awesome Abe Lincoln and the Grand Master Chuck "hammer nails with my nuts" Norris.   from the Genius of Nice Peter.

Dare I say...  Indeed Sir Abe and Master Norris  This battle was epic !
I hope you all enjoyed it as  much as I did and now you can run about liking Nice Peters Facebook and subscribing to his YouTube and leaving funny comments for him.

I am totally ready for the weekend.


XO
PEACH OUT
***DISCLAIMER***- I have spent the last 49+ hours totally hopped up on Nyquil and junk. ( by junk I mean hot toddies)   So I may find myself and these posts way funnier right now then they appear in the mirror.   Also did you guys know they stuck a liver damage warning on Nyquil?  WTF?  Really cause I am thinking washing those Nyquil back with a Hot Toddie can only add to my chances of winning this lotto.  

Send help

I am so sorry you guys, I can't possibly right, draw, scratch out, write a post today.  I am tramatized.  I accidentally watched a horrific train wreck of a movie with a creepy factor of  way the hell over 10.  Unfortunately I didn't turn it off, and I ended up being forced by some hypnotic movie curse to see...

remember Mork? Jack? Patch Adams?


Yeah I totally saw his man junk .. I am going to need a serious shit ton of therapy.

By therapy I mean vodka, and chocolate.

Sorry guys I have to run to the liquor store therapist  so just be glad you aren't me today.

Read about the horror as it happened at http://www.beingpeachy.com/2010/09/23/fun-with-facebook-friends-the-dork-of-mork/

I don't own enough bleach to get rid of this..

Amazon Societies

I have always had a fascination with the law, how it has evolved and especially loved the old laws that somehow remain on the books.  We all have them, most of them no one has heard of.  Last night I decided to check some old laws on the books in my state.  


Fasten your seat belts grab your latte and hold on folks, I am using scientific theory as related to law to prove my theory  our founding fathers and lawmakers  were really women.




97-35-17-Private citizens may personally arrest any person that disturbs a church service.
Wow.  All babies would go directly to jail.  But they would get out eventually.


97-29-59.  It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.
Ok so every male 6th grade and above would do jail time according to this one.


97-29-55  A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.
This means every man who finally got out of jail after infancy and then puberty would be thrown back in the cell.

So at this point in society we would clearly have a 1000 to 1 female/male ratio and we all know what would happen.  We would have to share, like in grade school when the teacher asks if you brought enough for the whole class, but this time it would be with the entire subdivision. But wait !

97-29-43 It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.

SHIT FIRE AND SAVE MATCHES Y'ALL.  there goes a majority of whats left of the men, wait we don't actually have to get married to pro create?  Duh. nice try old timey law makers.

97-29-11  If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.

OK, well then yep nothing left but us jail house wives and female children. 

So we will become a society of amazons.  Which would be FREAKING AWESOME.  Cause Wonder Woman was from an Amazon society and she had an invisible jet.  I just want a jet, the invisible part would seem like a hassle and an accident waiting to happen.

Why didn't she make her chair invisible ?  really?  I would so fall out of that.

But what baffles me is all of these laws where written by MEN.  Wow, they are so smart.
 ( or more than likely they were smart women dressed like men to pass these laws.)

xo

PEACHOUT

Well dingbat since you asked...

Over on my other place. The place where I am nice. (BeingPeachy.com) I have this tell it Tuesday Non Advice Column and give absolutely stupid advice I channel straight from my Dalmatians Brain.  People know they are getting advice from a totally unqualified person, but they write anyway and I don't even bribe them with Cheesecake.

You are welcome to send your questions in to beingpeachy at gmail dot com

But this is one  question/comment  I had to answer. It nearly drove me to the brink of a doing a reverse look up on the IP and sending over a dead octopus with instructions on how to shove it in their ass then poop it out into their air and heating ducts. I couldn't put what I wanted over there. Because posting it on my regular Being Peachy blog would have thrown 2/3rds of my followers into stab mode.
That's right out of the 3 people that read my blog 2  would have become Homicidal.

The true meaning of this "spare/extra" blog came to light.  I didn't. instead and   So I decided this was the place I could call BS, or proclaim the reign of utter morons. Simply put, this blog is the pits, what's left when you run out of Peach.  So thank you, you gianormus cerebral fart for showing me why I started this place up.


Here is the one that pushed the buttons that caused me to push the buttons that made this place be delivered to you via a bored person looking for a victim.

Peaches:   I see on your Face Book, twitter and blogs that  you often joke about brain injuries and such and some people might think it's funny.  I don't.  Do you know what hardships a person with a Brain Injury has to go through.  How dare you make light of it.   

sincerely,

Put yourself in their shoes

Dear Hoity Toity Self righteous heffer who thinks I should put myself in their shoes.  One of my dear friends had a series of strokes/bleeds in her brain and nearly died, her life and the life of her entire family is forever altered.  But that's not my story or my shoes so here's a clue dingus.  I worked in a TBI hospital for children.  Let me spell that out little Miss my poop don't stink.  That's Traumatic Brain Injury.  We had kids from age 7 to 18 for long term 24.7 rehab that went from 2 months to 18 months.   I DO IN FACT KNOW VERY WELL what it does to people, not just the person but the entire family. I watched parents not able to accept their "new child" with all the changes.  Do you know why I left my career in the field of law and went into this field?  Nope probably not, because I had a child who was diagnosed with autism ( and every other mental health issue known to man) and at the time that was the closest thing I could find as a job that I could use to help him and still make money to feed him.   Oh yeah and just a side note smart ass warrior Shena self designated defender of the Brain Damaged. I happen to have an issue with my brain and have had 5 surgeons ready to cut it open to try and help even though they weren't sure how, in all of them I would end up with considerably less skull, and more titanium to hold my head on like a toothpick.  Every day I crawl out of my bed I watch how my brain issues affect my children, husband and friends. The daughter away at college paying her own way working 40+ hours while she takes 18 hrs a semester, while driving an 89 build because Mom can't work anymore and her college money was spent on my health.  My 9 year old that will more than probably have to put himself through school like his sister due to my issues and our income.  That same 9 year old boy who sits inside once the temp hits over 90 ( around 7 months a year), because his mom is subjected to hyperthermia due to her meds that's no summer fun, ponds, pools, going places, sports or anything.  The friends I have to apologize to because I write  emails that look like they were typed in a foreign language and my husband, who spends all his annual leave from work  to drive my ass to Doctor after Doctor and watching them all be useless.  I mean I am positive that all my kids and my husband enjoy picking me up off the floor when I pass out, or following an ambulance  down the road to sit in an ER for hours just to hear,  " what does she have" from every Doctor as they back out of the room to google my diagnosis.   I mean who would want to go to a water park, camping, kayaking, canoeing, to  mall, or anything like that, have vacations, help their kid through school, have 2 incomes to make ends meet. OH yeah  MY FAMILY and me.  What kid shouldn't worry when they hear a thud that it's probably their mom hitting the floor again?  I came to the internet because it's one of the few things I can still do without having to bug some already burdened family member to help.   Yep, no shit.  OH yeah and I laugh about it, I joke about, and I get through it. Because you can pull on your big girl panties, suck it up and do the best you can with what you got.  That goes for Brain Damage, Strokes, Autism or any other issue. No matter the issue.  Or   I guess I could sit around and publicize my poor little self and whine and bitch constantly and get offended when someone says, "tard" or  " OMG I am so ADD",  " Dude what are you Rainman?" or  "this isn't Brain Surgery".  But why?  Is your life so friggin boring you have to stumble around the internet to find crap to complain about that probably doesn't have a damn thing to do with you to begin with?   So you take up some superficial shield to guard all these helpless victims.  Your an idiot, simply put. STOP TRYING TO MAKE VICTIMS. We don't need more victims in this world, we need more survivors, more laughing, more warriors. We  don't need your kind of defense, any more than any other person with a medical issue or disability.  If you can't laugh at yourself, your troubles and your triumphs then you're a miserable Bitchasourus Rex.  Go crochet a friggin dog snugglie you can pawn on Etsy with a 1500 word description for 'CROCHETED DOG SNUGGLIE".    Unless you're Dr. Laura and you want to complain about me having the right to complain about something then kiss my ass, oh and if you are her, kiss it twice moron, my butt cheeks get all jealous so take a moment out of your busy skimming around and say something offensive to others. Hell with a resume like this I am sure you could get a job at the Post.  I hear they hire a lot of idiots, you should be a shoe in.  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.  

PS if you could please hum in your mind the goodbye/farewell song from the sound of music as you leave that would be great".

no xo for you.  

ThePeachy1

Back to School. Important tips you should know.

Ok so even though my little prince is rounding out his 3rd week in 4th grade and my daughter finishes her bachelors this year.I am a tad bit stabby about the entire  supply list/homework issue.  Selling organs and  dog hair on ebay has not worked well enough for me to cover their expenses.
I realize some of you are hearing the choir of angles as your short ones return to the educational system. Allowing you to cut  back on your "happy pills". ( while the teachers dosage goes up)
To help decrease the " I hate your guts" factor and possibly lessen the chances of them getting to sit all alone at a table for every lunch the rest of their lives and put kittens in a sack, I have come up with a list of DON'TS.  I love you that much.

Step 1-  Appearance is EVERYTHING.

That entire beauty is only skin deep is total bullshit, I mean what's on the inside counts on the computer and  it counts eventually but don't think for 1 second that your looks do not play a part in how you get along. Don't let your child no matter how brilliant or stylish go unmonitored by your parental common sense. Do NOT let your 7 year old daughter dress like a hooker. You're asking for major issues.  Do not let your teenagers run wild with your credit card.  You don't really want the yearbook pictures to look like this do you?

I am sure they have cute, nearly normal baby photos, maybe

Step 2- Shop Smart

When purchasing school supplies, remember your child will be around other children.  Not within the safe protective environment you provide. Somethings just automatically put your child on the sit alone at lunch list and might as well just say KICK ME IN THE FACE.   Skip these.

loving Cher and Beefcakes is  barely ok at home, but at school it just says, "throw raw meat at me"

Step 3-  Your presence.

Please remember the other kids will see you during school visits, drop offs and pick ups.  Please do NOT make these kind of images associated to your child unless that college fund you started when they were babies can be transfered into a Therapy fund.

OMG Daddy please go away, easy to spot the Grands in the car line

Luckily I live in a very rural area ( and by rural I mean armpit of the universe).  So we don't put up with things like this. Which scares me beyond belief because I never sent my kids to a SHCOOL.

Mostly because all of our roads aren't all paved and the paint we do have  is used on the water tower. Apparently Jimmy Bob loves Janie Sue.

Clues something might be wrong

But I will tell you that no matter how lazy you are, you may need to consider the car rider option or change of class request.  I know that totally messes with sleeping in and afternoon nap times but if the school bus looks something like this, or the teacher like this, honestly spare them the trauma.

if the bus looks like this, or the teacher like this, consider Private School

If you have run into any of the things on this list, fix it over the weekend.  Because really,  8 hours a day with people laughing at you is too much for anyone. Unless your a comedian and then you get paid. Then you can afford private school.
So go forth and enjoy the heck out of your weekend.  Hug your kids ( or pet) and live this weekend, don't just exist because that is just so lazy.

XO

PEACH OUT