The fur was a flying I tell ya!

Ok I know I have been all kinds of missing but people I have some great shit to tell you.

You see it's Spring break down here in the south and that means GOOD TIMES, and when I say GOOD TIMES I mean FREAKING HILARIOUS RED NECK DEBAUCHERY.

Ok I have another post to show you of shit I saw in a 5 mile radius when I had my camera out that will just blow your mind but this one I have to just write down before I forget things ok? good glad you agree.

It's spring break, so I have my extra kid, who is really my great nephew but he lives close down the road, him and the prince are best buds, only a year apart and so during the school year we only have him on weekends but it's spring break YO so he's here for the 4th grade debauchery that is farts, yohoos and all the xbox they can wrangle up.

I have to go and run some business errands so I totally bribe them with junk food and toys they are such well behaved young men and accompany me helping me with the business. Then in the midst of everything 2 cities from where I live  I realize one of them blows out a shoe, the other pops a button off their shorts and I need a mailing label and  sharpie because I wrote the competitors contact name under the other competitors business companies name and they are both my customers and OMFG the world would surely end and I would indeed lose both my customers. Then the world would end, since both of those customers are fairly large corps and some of the few NON Gulf Coast Customers.  It is important to have NON Gulf Coast Customers.  Ask me why.  ( from the crowd)  WHY?  ( thank you)  Well because hurricanes, and oil spills make people unable to pay their freaking bills every couple of years and if you really like things like food and electricity you can't just be a local company.  ( from the crowd,  wow you sounded a bit angry maybe you should get some therapy)  Shut the fuck up NOW I have a story here !

So I have this epiphany,  ( check my big word yo!)  but it's a sad one,  like when you are around 7 and realize that your gold fish isn't fucking sleeping?  that kind of sad,  but throw in that OMFHMOG  ( that's a HOLY MOTHER OF)  panic feeling in there from the first time you stopped on the train tracks in traffic with a car in front of you and an super douche on your bumper and then heard a train whistle.   That kind of sad/panic epiphany when I realized that here in podunkville south deliverance land the only solution would be
( que the evil music here)

dun dun dun

DEVIL MART !

Yes I hate the place I refuse to shop there, it's a guaranteed  way to get every single one of your 5 senses offended then it will offend senses you didn't even know you had, especially if you live in the south, and if you go to the particular one in the city were we happened to be it's a double win with a chance of seeing a drug deal/fist fight/man in drag/500lb man/woman in a pair of shorty jorts.  

So we go in on a mission, snag stuff, no lolly gaggin grab it in out hit check out 11, touch nothing, no eye contact,  as we are checking out it goes down.   

Me and the boys are at check out 11.

When all hell breaks loose.  Apparently the  quite well fed Jack Ass Ho in a grungy bikini top and jorts at aisle 13 becomes every level of unhinged on the half shirt, landing strip and sun visor wearing Redneck Douche pimp Wanna Be at aisle 12.

She could have skipped a couple piercings and visited a dentist?   Hopefully she bought a clean and larger/longer shirt while she was at the store.

I also hope he purchased a larger longer shirt,  and a razor.  Possibly a brain.

They were so loud and over shouting each other that I couldn't make out a damn thing they were saying, which was sad actually. Because if your going to make a huge ass of yourself in public at least put on a good show and let people decide who the clear victor is right?    As the one 4'11"  80lb unarmed security gaurd approached looking more like a sacrificial lamb than anything else, I suggested to check out lady #11 some one might consider calling  el- 911.  She said, " that's not my job".  Gosh I love the American work attitude.   

I was able to make out the Redneck Ho Jack ass Scream,  " YOU NEED TO QUIT SELLING DRUGS ASSHOLE !!!"

To which the Redneck Pimp retorted , " Then where would you get your get your free shit for just sucking a dick?"

to which he ended the argument with this.

  

Except it was him, and it was a couple $1 bills and some change, but I totally got what he meant.

xo

PEACH OUT

10 Truths about Camping

Ok I am back. I have been gone, say you missed me and I will come over and comment on your blog and sing your praises, if you don't own a blog I will send my dalmatian over to kiss you, he's super affectionate. (and in time out with me anyway as you will find out in a minute.)

In case you didn't notice due to my extreme journalistic professionalism. Stop laughing damnit. ( That's code for I wrote posts and had them set to auto publish while I was gone.)  News flash I have been gone since Friday morning- yes that's like 5 days of a total lack of internet and communications.

News flash 2- I lived.

So anyway I figured out 10 Truths of Camping that are pretty much the rule and here they are.

1- If you built your house in the deep woods and have a 500 foot driveway and never see humans unless you drive over 2 miles then camping has little appeal unless you are a 9 year old boy who never goes camping.

2- Camping in a huge RV is not really like camping it's more like sleeping poorly crammed in your half bath if you move all your food in there and had people play crappy music loudly in the living room and realatives wake you up all night.

3- No matter how much you love your family,  when they fart in a small enclosed space it is a viable defense in a criminal trial.

4- No matter how much you love your family, the one who wakes up at 4am every morning is the one who sleeps in the one area of the RV you could sleep through all the noise that person is going to make at 4am.

5- If you are camping at a campground you have never camped at, once you are set up you will find out you picked pretty much the crappiest spot on earth and there were 40 choices that would have been better but you are not about to tear down camp and set it up again so you will just deal with it and pretend it's FANTASTIC to the other adults so they don't get crazy moving ideas in their head.

6- big huge luxury RV's are like doing Calculus when your are drunk off MD20/20, and were exposed to IV Opium with a Valium chaser. There are generators, grey water, white water, onans, converters, pilot lights, flip switches, and fuses. Most of the shit wont work because your Dad owns the RV and can't remember how to work anything so assumes it's all broken including the awning and fridge so you buy 10 bags of ice a day and explain to your elderly parents why you don't eat open mayo that has been at room temp for 3 days. They must then tell you 5 hour stories of how they made their own mayo from the gravel on the road they walked to school up hill both ways 30 miles in the snow barefoot between their 5 jobs when they were 7 years old. You will shut up and eat the mayo with an imodium sandwich.

7- A husband who has an IQ that places him in Mensa that has not spent 20 hours off the net since 1995 can indeed go 3 days without internet.  However he will think a rented Kayak can fit in a Mini Van and when you point out that it's touching the windshield his response will be " no shit".  Then he will shamefully come to you a few hours later explaining that Kayak busted out the windshield of your minivan even though he didn't even go over a bump or anything but since it's day 4 you will be too tired and covered in dirt to be pissed or argue. 

8- Your 9 year old is pretty literal. When his pawpaw taught him how to tie a hook on a fishing line and then how to put the worm on the hook then took him fishing for 3 hours and they didn't even get a nibble. He will say something like, " PawPaw said today we weren't really fishing, we were just drowning the worms, tomorrow we will try to fish since we got the worms dead."

9- Some campgrounds are just filled with rednecks of all levels.  

To our left - was the RV whisperer. He got our fridge working ( day 3), He got our white water dumped ( day 3), explained how to open the awning ( day 4), replaced bathroom light bulb ( day 2), he had 2 huge RV's and 2 boats, he even let the prince borrow a life jacket 3 times, and fixed the generator, refused any payment or thanks.

To our right - were the people who rented a pull through concrete RV site with power and water for their pup tent. They secured cardboard boxes and had huge but short lived very dangerous fires 3 feet from their tent and Truck(s) every night.  On night 3  they got so drunk they decided a fight would be a good idea, she threated to shoot "his dumb redneck ass"  ( pretty sure there were just as many guns as campers) and he stumbled out of the tent with his Pabst blue ribbon beer in hand crossed 3 camp sites to pee next to our van.

Behind us-  An RV that had over 15 cars or more at all times, professional sound system speakers on stands all pointing in every direction other than at their own campsites.  They played Johnny Cash,  Hank Williams Sr., Patsy Cline, and every other dead old country musician in addition to night 2 of the bluegrass jam out.  Now this wouldn't be so bad if it ended but their "sleep" or "pass out" or  "shut their shit off"  period was from between 2am and 9am. Other than that you had to yell at our campsite.

In Front of us-  People that clearly hated the music from the rednecks behind us so they turned on their truck(s) radios to play rap songs with absolutely filthy lyrics as loud as they could  so it sounded like totally crap and you couldn't make it out clearly. That was kind of a blessing because I didn't have to explain to my 9 year old what some of those words and phrases meant. Plus their batteries died within a few hours.

air guitar play off, I think they were each playing a song from different camping neighbors.

10- Jungle Fever isn't just a song or movie.  It's what happens when you go camping and decide to hike on a "scenic trail" after a long day of kayaking and are delirious from rancid mayo.

Don't get excited you closet fiends, I am pretty sure that's a plant of pokey death, not a
happy hemp plant on the "scenic route" hiking trip of death 

So there you go.   All in all it was a fantastic trip. Thanks much in part to the RV whisperer dude.  

**  3 fingernails, 1 ankle, 1 doge grand caravan windshield, 3 packs of hot dogs  were indeed harmed in the making of this post**

** Also my Dalmatian punished me for not taking him by pulling 1 shoe from 4 pairs off the shoe rack and chewing it to oblivion, along with a bag of chips ahoy, box of honey buns, and capri drink, and my electric duster all met their doom at his hands. uhm mouth. **

If you want to see more pics and a nicer more meaningful 
story of the trip go to
BeingPeachy.com click here