Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The fur was a flying I tell ya!

Ok I know I have been all kinds of missing but people I have some great shit to tell you.

You see it's Spring break down here in the south and that means GOOD TIMES, and when I say GOOD TIMES I mean FREAKING HILARIOUS RED NECK DEBAUCHERY.

Ok I have another post to show you of shit I saw in a 5 mile radius when I had my camera out that will just blow your mind but this one I have to just write down before I forget things ok? good glad you agree.

It's spring break, so I have my extra kid, who is really my great nephew but he lives close down the road, him and the prince are best buds, only a year apart and so during the school year we only have him on weekends but it's spring break YO so he's here for the 4th grade debauchery that is farts, yohoos and all the xbox they can wrangle up.

I have to go and run some business errands so I totally bribe them with junk food and toys they are such well behaved young men and accompany me helping me with the business. Then in the midst of everything 2 cities from where I live  I realize one of them blows out a shoe, the other pops a button off their shorts and I need a mailing label and  sharpie because I wrote the competitors contact name under the other competitors business companies name and they are both my customers and OMFG the world would surely end and I would indeed lose both my customers. Then the world would end, since both of those customers are fairly large corps and some of the few NON Gulf Coast Customers.  It is important to have NON Gulf Coast Customers.  Ask me why.  ( from the crowd)  WHY?  ( thank you)  Well because hurricanes, and oil spills make people unable to pay their freaking bills every couple of years and if you really like things like food and electricity you can't just be a local company.  ( from the crowd,  wow you sounded a bit angry maybe you should get some therapy)  Shut the fuck up NOW I have a story here !

So I have this epiphany,  ( check my big word yo!)  but it's a sad one,  like when you are around 7 and realize that your gold fish isn't fucking sleeping?  that kind of sad,  but throw in that OMFHMOG  ( that's a HOLY MOTHER OF)  panic feeling in there from the first time you stopped on the train tracks in traffic with a car in front of you and an super douche on your bumper and then heard a train whistle.   That kind of sad/panic epiphany when I realized that here in podunkville south deliverance land the only solution would be
( que the evil music here)

dun dun dun

Yes I hate the place I refuse to shop there, it's a guaranteed  way to get every single one of your 5 senses offended then it will offend senses you didn't even know you had, especially if you live in the south, and if you go to the particular one in the city were we happened to be it's a double win with a chance of seeing a drug deal/fist fight/man in drag/500lb man/woman in a pair of shorty jorts.  

So we go in on a mission, snag stuff, no lolly gaggin grab it in out hit check out 11, touch nothing, no eye contact,  as we are checking out it goes down.   
Me and the boys are at check out 11.

When all hell breaks loose.  Apparently the  quite well fed Jack Ass Ho in a grungy bikini top and jorts at aisle 13 becomes every level of unhinged on the half shirt, landing strip and sun visor wearing Redneck Douche pimp Wanna Be at aisle 12.
She could have skipped a couple piercings and visited a dentist?   Hopefully she bought a clean and larger/longer shirt while she was at the store.
I also hope he purchased a larger longer shirt,  and a razor.  Possibly a brain.

They were so loud and over shouting each other that I couldn't make out a damn thing they were saying, which was sad actually. Because if your going to make a huge ass of yourself in public at least put on a good show and let people decide who the clear victor is right?    As the one 4'11"  80lb unarmed security gaurd approached looking more like a sacrificial lamb than anything else, I suggested to check out lady #11 some one might consider calling  el- 911.  She said, " that's not my job".  Gosh I love the American work attitude.   
I was able to make out the Redneck Ho Jack ass Scream,  " YOU NEED TO QUIT SELLING DRUGS ASSHOLE !!!"
To which the Redneck Pimp retorted , " Then where would you get your get your free shit for just sucking a dick?"

to which he ended the argument with this.

Except it was him, and it was a couple $1 bills and some change, but I totally got what he meant.



Oilfield Trash said...

Now do you see why I don't ever go in that damn place??

Rachel said...

Whoa. I think you may be experiencing aftermath.

Al Penwasser said...

I have Social Studies after math. BA DUM BUM

Al Penwasser said...

Seriously, that place DOES suck. Although it occasionally offers up some right good comedy (in a Hee Haw kind of way), you're just as likely to walk through a fart cloud in the snack foods section.

And that ain't fun after a shower.

The Reckmonster said...

DEBILS! DEBILS shop at DEBIL-Mart!!! Peach, I'm so glad you got out safe and alive! Never go there again. NEVER. Do you hear me?!

The Animated Woman said...

I'm wondering how I'd do as a security guard in that place - sounds like the perfect job for a 98 lb weakling.

ThePeachy1 said...

Dear Cobra Sister Reckmoster from the KBC- I hear ya, it is indeed the DEBIL. I think I saw someone playin da foosball up in dar. but it was the only place in that area I could find to cover all those emergency needs in one stop.

laughingmom said...

And the prince and xtra kid had nothing to say?...

ThePeachy1 said...

Actually they are VERY well behaved boys, I always get complimented on both of them, they had NOTHING to say as soon as it started I pushed them behind me, and put the universal "shh sign over my mouth with the finger to the lips. Once we got in the car they were said things like Drugs are bad, and do you think they were on drugs and that's why they acted like that? other than that nope the kids had nothing to say.

SOMS said...

Wow! Now that's a story! Rednecks -1

Opto-Mom said...

At least now the kids will think that dick sucking is synonymous with drugs. When they get older, if a girl is trying to give them a tongue twirly, they will probably shout, "I don't have any drugs, you whore!" and push her away. Awesome!

The only way the ending would have been better, is if the Redneck Pimp had yelled, "WINNING!" all Charlie Sheen style when he threw the money.

Moobeat said...


The Absence of Alternatives said...

You are saying that pictures you took are going to be even more awesome than this episode you witnessed?


p.s. At first I pouted 'cause you did not take pictures of these two and submit them to People of Devilmart. But then I am happy 'cause they sounded rather crazy. Like the bad kind of crazy.

leslie (crookedstamper) said...

O. M. G.

Word Verification: spermusl

I am not making that up, and I am not using it in a sentence.